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Hi everyone,
I recently have connected with two thinker types, and this has been really great for me because they have a completely different perspective on the world and everything. So I'm learning a lot from them right now, but I do have something pretty sensitive that I don't feel completely comfortable speaking about with people who know me.

When I was a kid I went through physical and some sexual abuse that no one knows about and because of it, I haven't let anyone close to me. I'm on and off on dating websites, and I say I'm open to dating, but I don't let myself take it seriously. My extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) think there's something wrong with me for never having a boyfriend. I'm not projecting it onto them, it's the things they've said and how they say it. It makes me feel so badly about me. And most of the younger ones don't agree with my life choices- they think my life is boring and sheltered- but the older ones know I'm thinking of my future and they think I'm smart. But when my cousins pick at me about these things, and I'm so obviously uncomfortable, I have a REALLY hard time sticking up for myself, and no one has ever tried standing up for me (that really hurts). And my cousins seem to enjoy my discomfort- they laugh about it.

All of this to say that I have a family party coming up that I can't get away from, because it's at my house. My parents are hosting, and I go to all the parties anyway but this one is going to have cousins who look down on me and think I'm a loser, and it's 10 days away and I can't sleep sometimes because I have this crushing anxiety. I have no idea how to communicate with them, mostly because all they talk about is sex and how they cheat on their boyfriends and just incredibly superficial stuff. And I know they're just going to look at me like I don't belong there. I have self worth issues, and I'm trying hard to work through them, but right now it's just crashing down on me. And my cousins will have their partners with them, and I know it's going to be a topic of conversation that I'm alone, and oh my god, can you believe I'm so inexperienced? And I still live at home like a little kid. I hear them talking about me now.

Does anyone have advice on how they would handle this? How do you deal with people looking down on you? For me, I feel like I'm going to flip out or something because other parts of my life are falling apart anyway, and now this is coming and it feels like a train crash waiting to happen. I told my dad I'm thinking of not being here for it but it's my grandparent's anniversary and I'd feel bad missing it.

I'm trying hard not to say sorry so much, so I'm so not sorry for how long this was haha. I'd like to ask my thinker friends for how they'd do things, because they're so much better at confrontation than I am. When I'm on the spot and my emotions are high nothing I say makes any sense. Thank you for reading through this if you did.



TL;DR I have a lot of uncomfortable moments coming up and will need to seem like I'm totally confident when I'm not, and may even have to tell people to back the heck off. What's the best way to handle and approach this sort of thing, and to not make a scene and not be too meek?
 

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Hi everyone,
I recently have connected with two thinker types, and this has been really great for me because they have a completely different perspective on the world and everything. So I'm learning a lot from them right now, but I do have something pretty sensitive that I don't feel completely comfortable speaking about with people who know me.

When I was a kid I went through physical and some sexual abuse that no one knows about and because of it, I haven't let anyone close to me. I'm on and off on dating websites, and I say I'm open to dating, but I don't let myself take it seriously. My extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles) think there's something wrong with me for never having a boyfriend. I'm not projecting it onto them, it's the things they've said and how they say it. It makes me feel so badly about me. And most of the younger ones don't agree with my life choices- they think my life is boring and sheltered- but the older ones know I'm thinking of my future and they think I'm smart. But when my cousins pick at me about these things, and I'm so obviously uncomfortable, I have a REALLY hard time sticking up for myself, and no one has ever tried standing up for me (that really hurts). And my cousins seem to enjoy my discomfort- they laugh about it.

All of this to say that I have a family party coming up that I can't get away from, because it's at my house. My parents are hosting, and I go to all the parties anyway but this one is going to have cousins who look down on me and think I'm a loser, and it's 10 days away and I can't sleep sometimes because I have this crushing anxiety. I have no idea how to communicate with them, mostly because all they talk about is sex and how they cheat on their boyfriends and just incredibly superficial stuff. And I know they're just going to look at me like I don't belong there. I have self worth issues, and I'm trying hard to work through them, but right now it's just crashing down on me. And my cousins will have their partners with them, and I know it's going to be a topic of conversation that I'm alone, and oh my god, can you believe I'm so inexperienced? And I still live at home like a little kid. I hear them talking about me now.

Does anyone have advice on how they would handle this? How do you deal with people looking down on you? For me, I feel like I'm going to flip out or something because other parts of my life are falling apart anyway, and now this is coming and it feels like a train crash waiting to happen. I told my dad I'm thinking of not being here for it but it's my grandparent's anniversary and I'd feel bad missing it.

I'm trying hard not to say sorry so much, so I'm so not sorry for how long this was haha. I'd like to ask my thinker friends for how they'd do things, because they're so much better at confrontation than I am. When I'm on the spot and my emotions are high nothing I say makes any sense. Thank you for reading through this if you did.



TL;DR I have a lot of uncomfortable moments coming up and will need to seem like I'm totally confident when I'm not, and may even have to tell people to back the heck off. What's the best way to handle and approach this sort of thing, and to not make a scene and not be too meek?
I'm in full support of you cutting out emotionally toxic and abusive family members.

Alternatively, you can celebrate with your grandparents alone with just you three. You can do something special like bake them a cake, cook up a small meal, and take them somewhere special and scenic. Then skip town.

Your traumatic childhood is enough to warrant compassion from the people who should have your back. Even though blood is thicker than water, sometimes it cuts sharper than a knife, and you really need to sever ties from people who put your down just to bring themselves up.

Sounds like that's been a reoccurring theme in your life. People can say not to take things personally, but it's really about your own personal boundaries and how much abuse you're willing to take, in which I'd say "zero tolerance" to anyone who seeks to harm you in anyway.

Now's your time to break the cycle, mend your pain and create a new narrative in your life, because life is short, and you do deserve to be happy and surrounded by people who truly care and love you like how healthy families do!
 

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Hi saph,

I'm sorry that you are going through a tough time right now. I hope you can feel our support and love reach you wherever you are. I agree with strawberryLola, her reply is excellent.

I can only assume that your cousins haven't matured enough from life experiences and that they judge you because they are ignorant and shallow. Try to be strong against their hurtful words. It is really none of their business anyways how your life appears to them. I bet their lives aren't as perfect as they show to the world either.

I think I would ignore and avoid the bad relations as much as I could. If a confrontation was unavoidable I would do my best to plow through it. If this was something that was going on for a long time I probably would have spent a lot of time thinking about possible outcomes and witty insults to arm myself. At the very least I would turn my scrutiny on them and figure out what their flaws were and see if they enjoyed being ridiculed for them. But that's me. You need to follow your own path. Decide what approach makes you feel good according to your values.
 

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Does anyone have advice on how they would handle this? How do you deal with people looking down on you? For me, I feel like I'm going to flip out or something because other parts of my life are falling apart anyway, and now this is coming and it feels like a train crash waiting to happen. I told my dad I'm thinking of not being here for it but it's my grandparent's anniversary and I'd feel bad missing it.
I feel I'm pretty assertive for an ENFP, I will not take sh*t. I have a long leash (giving people the benefit of the doubt) but the moment a line is crossed and actions show that you're trying to demean or use me, I stand firm. I don't yell, but I am firm in articulating that, that is not OK.

That said, you have been abused. That's very harsh and would result in many people having issues standing up for themselves and resolving these issues.
 
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