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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey INFJs, I'm curious how you all deal with a loss or death of someone you know.

It's weird for me, I don't really feel anything until I see my family of friends upset. That's what gets me. Maybe because I know death is inevitable and is going to happen to everyone eventually? Maybe because I understand it's just a part of life?

I'm not sure if I'm just suppressing emotions or legitimately not having any, I ended up writing a very sad song yesterday though. That's the only thing that has allowed me to actually feel sad about this.

Am I actually a sociopath, or just weird? idk
 

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It has to do with your relationship with the departed. Someone very close to you or someone you barely know makes a big difference in how you feel and process.


I cry openly and uncontrollably at funerals for ppl not close to me or I barely know (parent of a coworker, say). I feel their pain of loss acutely. I also cry for the day I must bury someone I love dearly. I process it all right there.


I couldn't do this at my dad, my grandma, and my SIL's funeral. I was stoic while tears flew down quietly. The pain of loss was so huge that letting it all hang out during the funeral is useless. Instead, I processed it over the years and decades. I wept at times when I thought about them. I wept regretting not being closer and nicer. The tears cleansed and mended. Time takes the burden away gradually.


Stoicism is a safety measure. When something extreme happens, human mind (and body) shuts down.
 

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I lost my father at age 10, what really gets you is the realization that you will never be able to share anything anymore with that person. There's nothing left, the feeling of powerlessness, the feeling that you, and all those you hold dear can vanish into nothingness, into worse than oblivion, complete and utter void, is soul crushing. Everything feels meaningless, doom is written all over any dreams or hope you might have. You feel lonely with your despair, it is fearful or pitiful to others, and you feel that ultimately nobody can comfort you, there's no right answer to death, no words or feelings can wash it away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I lost my father at age 10, what really gets you is the realization that you will never be able to share anything anymore with that person. There's nothing left, the feeling of powerlessness, the feeling that you, and all those you hold dear can vanish into nothingness, into worse than oblivion, complete and utter void, is soul crushing. Everything feels meaningless, doom is written all over any dreams or hope you might have. You feel lonely with your despair, it is fearful or pitiful to others, and you feel that ultimately nobody can comfort you, there's no right answer to death, no words or feelings can wash it away.
I don't really see it that way but I'm sorry you do. Thanks for your input.
 

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I don't really see it that way but I'm sorry you do. Thanks for your input.
Age influences your reaction significantly, when older you have a more intellectualized approach to death, a defense mechanism. You don't let yourself being too much affected because you understand it isn't worth it. Maturity and all.
 

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A bit more than a year ago my grandma passed away. The moment I've got the news I felt sadness, and I've cried at the funeral and for the next few days, and had to take some days off work to process it. Our relationship was not of a too close one, thought I lived with her when I was younger and death to me is the end of everything that is of that lifetime. Relationships, memories, all these are ended along with death. Even thought I believe in reincarnation, these are ended and we won't have it anymore.

It feels like a part of my life is gone definitely. Remembering her can still hurt a bit from time to time, as the realization that she is gone hurts a bit.

As for other people who are not really close at all, I'm not really affected emotionally and might not cry, unless I feel someone else's sadness for the deceased. What I might feel is that thinking of how the other person I once knew is now gone feels a bit weird (lack of a better word to describe it).
 

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Shock, disbelief, numbness are the initial waves. I don't connect to my own feelings right away because it doesn't feel real.

When one of my closest friends died 3 years ago, the numbness only started to dissipate when I allowed myself to think about her family. Losing a child. It's a completely helpless feeling to know that these people who you care about will always be incomplete, and for the rest of their lives will feel that.

I then start try to grasp at every memory I have of this person, every moment, every conversation, her voice, her laugh, how she made me feel. I try to gather all of it, sort it, and keep it with me. It's terrifying to think that anything might slip away.
 

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I tuck into myself. Add a few more layers between me and the outside world, and process everything internally and silently. I have a very, very hard time displaying grief in front of others.

On an internal level, I'm always torn between holding onto every last memory, and forcing them down so that I can hold it together emotionally. It takes awhile before old memories become bittersweet.
 

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I think it depends on other factors as well. Like whether or not we spent a lot of time together with them and whether or not we share any memories together with them. Let's say if they are an acquaintance whom we only say hi bye to and didn't really have a personal relationship with them, I think it's quite normal for that reaction.

My grandparents passed away when I was a child, but because we weren't very close to each other and I didn't really have much memories of them so when they passed away I didn't really cry at their funeral. But when my pets died, I can't help but to cry, because I have quite a close relationship with my pets and I have spent every day of my life together with them and they are like a family to me.
 

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There was a study showing that 50% old people who lost their partner showed normal behavior after one year. Death is often over exaggerated. You shouldn't feel bad for not acting a certain way. That'd be like not crying at the movie theater while everyone else is.
 

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There was a study showing that 50% old people who lost their partner showed normal behavior after one year.

Interesting study. But I seemed to notice the opposite though.

From what I noticed, people who lost their partner usually started losing part of themselves as well. They go about life like a normal person, but their emptiness is actually reflected in their eyes.
 
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