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Discussion Starter #1
PLEASE NOTE: I have had a girlfriend and I'm socially competent around girls. This desire is not a yearning for the unknown/unexperienced.

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As an 18 year old guy, I have hormones running through me that make me feel sexual towards girls in a wide variety of circumstances, sometimes when I think they aren't appropriate (not just socially but morally and intellectually). I came to this realization when I was reading this one book, written by a female author. Her style and thoughts were interesting and I felt very connected to her at times in how she expressed things I agreed with. I felt happy in reading this book. However, at a point I came across a picture of the author, and sexual thoughts immediately pass through my mind: "Is she hot? Am I attracted to her? Do I want to have sex with her?". Suddenly I realize that these perverted (use the denotation) thoughts are not appropriate in this situation. I was having a good time connecting with her intellectually, but suddenly my teenage sexual desires are aroused and suddenly the connection fades and the new attraction/sexual connection begins.

I've observed this to be true in other facets of my life, perhaps even universally. It's almost impossible for me to view women without including their physical attraction or my attraction (or lack) in the equation. Of course, I can suppress this feeling and behave like it doesn't exists, which I do, but it still occurs. To borrow a term from sitcoms, it feels like there is always some sort of "sexual tension", albeit sometimes very small, between me and any women - and I'm guessing maybe even most men and women around the world.

I realize this is a product of hormones telling me to procreate the human species combined with the social urge for young people to date each other. Still, I don't like having these feelings crop up all the time and they feel hollow to me, especially when I feel sexual/attracted to just random girls for no reason other than them having breasts and a pleasing face. Plus, this often stops me for being able to develop meaningful friendships with girls similar to myself because I'll keep having this sexual attraction towards them that probably won't result in a relationship anyway.

My question is: For the older members here, is this a thing that goes away with age, or is it something you have to learn to live with? And for anyone else, how have you learned to cope with your natural attraction towards girls? Have you had relationships ruined because of your own sexual desires, even if you don't act on them?
 

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I am older AND a woman top of that. My opinion is just that: An opinion, based on my own experience and therefore biased (but probably far from uncommon):

Chill ;)
Feeling sexually attracted to men/women is a part of life and living and makes evolutionary sense.

I am in a very happy, monogamous relationship. I still feel sexually attracted to other men (and occasionally women). I look at actors and think:"Yeah, wouldn't kick him out if bed."
I know my partner is physically attracted to other women, but I perceive that as normal. He can look, I really have no problem with that whatsoever. In fact, I'd find it somewhat strange if he didn't. Do we act on it however? No, because we really have no interest in doing so for a multitude of reasons I won't go into here.

Being human means being a sexual being, and reacting on certain "cues". That doesn't mean they're unhealthy (especially not at your age ;)), but they also don't control your life.

I think it's rather sad how warped today's attitudes towards sexual attraction have become:
Feeling sexually attracted to someone at first sight is not shallow. Not knowing the difference between sexual attraction and feeling something deeper is.
 

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I think that's pretty normal. Humans are sexual beings, after all. As long as your attraction toward a girl isn't the only thing that matters-and as long as you can "see past it" in professional situations-you're fine.

As for your third paragraph, I think it's normal to be attracted to attractive people. However about you not pursuing friendly relationships with girls, it doesn't matter if the sexual desires come to fruition or not-if it's friendship you're after. I've found male and female friendships particularly rewarding even if they don't lead to a relationship (different perspectives and all that, not to mention you could be missing out on some pretty cool people).

So I think you just have to accept that your urges are there and are normal, but realize that they don't control you. When I first started having "thoughts," I was surprised, but since then it's become fairly normal to me. Just remember that there's a person with hopes and dreams and all that jazz behind that nice body.
 

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This is normal for young people (especially boys?). It'll probably get better when you're a bit older. At least you're aware of it and you say that you don't like it. Lots of people act on every little random urge they feel and can't even imagine being friends with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe it helps if you start thinking of your (potential) female friends as sisters? Or find something about them that you respect a lot. Respect can kill off those instincts.
 

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I remember that feeling... I had it between 12 and 15 years old. It's called puberty.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for the responses (especially the girls, it's particularly illuminating).

If you read my first post fully you'll see I mentioned that this does have to do with hormones and societal pressure. Obviously I'm aware of this. Regarding the advice of "just accept it", I do realize that being attracted to people is natural and you can't just suppress it. Still, it's frustrating that I've have a very hard time making meaningful friendships with girls because of this attraction. The majority of my friends are guys. This could just be because INTJs and math/CS oriented people are mostly male, but I feel I should have a few close female friends. I'm guessing that I might see a shift in my perspective (and that of others) as I reach college and adult life, opening this possibility. As a (previous) high school student, I honestly cannot imagine having a deep platonic friendship with any of the high school girls I've known.

So this thread isn't about dealing with puberty and teenage hormones, but rather coping with attraction when it's not necessary, and dealing with societal assumptions about the interactions of (younger) men and woman
 

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My advice as a 19 year old male INTJ is this: Look analyze and move past it. I will evaluate attraction and appearance but then move past it. The stupid thing to do is try to deny or ignore it, cause a problem you don't deal with is still waiting in the wing to appear. Also, look women in the eyes more, it will drive them crazy and keep you from looking at less socially appropriate areas during a conversation ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I see people I wanna bang all the time. What's wrong with being sexually attracted to people?
When this attraction interferes with other things, like the ability to form deep platonic relationships or treat a female friend as you'd treat a male friend.
 

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You will eventually be desensitized to a certain degree to all the stimuli the older you get. And I agree with @WolfStar - don't beat yourself up too much. Your feelings are what they are - perfectly normal and healthy for you.
 
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When this attraction interferes with other things, like the ability to form deep platonic relationships or treat a female friend as you'd treat a male friend.
So maybe right now you don't want to form deep platonic relationships. Maybe you just wanna bang people. Nothin' really particularly wrong with that if you're happy overall and aren't a dick to people.
 

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What you're describing does not compute as unhealthy to me at this point in your life.

If you're really worried, use the M&M method. Masturbate and meditate.

Obviously okay to do even without being worried. :proud:
 

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Discussion Starter #15
To clarify, when I use the word "unhealthy", it means I consider it unhealthy. Surely you'd trust an INTJ such as myself to know that I should do what I want and not what society tells me what to do ;)

Indeed the issue is about the unwanted nature of these emotions - their cropping up at times when I don't want them to. I do notice that when I view a girl with respect (or as a sister, as another suggests) sexual thoughts are less likely to crop up, so I will definitely experiment with these thought patterns in the near future.

E: I'd also like to say this isn't a significant problem, but it's something every guy has to deal with to some extent. I'm trying to get some feedback to adjust my way of dealing with it.
 

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a guy once gave me a standup routine on what it's really like owning a libido like his, and instead of ticking me off or making me feel automatically dehumanized, it humanized him. it gave me genuine sympathy for the whole male-experience thing, probably for the first time ever. plus, it had me crying with laughter for days. this was a guy i'd known for practically 30 years without having the faintest idea he'd even noticed that i have boobs. turned out he'd been internally 'clawing the furniture' - his phrase for it - the whole time.

i don't think you should assume automatically that it's unhealthy to be like you are, honestly. in fact it would be kind of a shame if you wrecked your own opinion of something that's probably just an inherent, natural part of you without even waiting to find out whether it's even appropriate or necessary.

i've got to say i don't suffer the kinds of ideation you do (although i seem to have other women friends who do), but for what it's worth, i'm equating it right now with the way that i blush. i blush autonomously, whether i'm feeling anything that would set it off in less hair-trigger people or not. it has socially-loaded connotations, of course; people assuming i'm shy or self-conscious or what-have you. but in actual fact, it has NOTHING to do with any of that and it says nothing about the state of my mind. it's just something my body does without consulting me.
 

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It's also true that you can desire someone without turning them into the "object" of your desire. I'm not certain that the sex is a thing anybody can turn off completely--but you can channel it so that you are in charge of your libido, rather than the other way around.

From 16 until about 22, I had the same sort of problem--I was attracted to everyone who fit (even in a limited sense) my prerequisites for attraction, and I didn't like it, because it made me feel uncomfortable and out of control, and in many cases seemed like it was highly inappropriate or disrespectful.

Having the hormones level off was helpful, but what was also helpful was accepting the feelings. Once I'd accepted that I was... attracted to certain people (and gave up on feeling awful about it), I could take a step back and have a look at them holistically. And I found that I could still respect and like somebody, even though I was attracted to them and the attraction was a dead-end street. Which sort of made the desire bleed over into a more general kind of affection.

You know fantasies are just... fantasies. You can't always (can seldom?) control what your brain spits up at you, but you can control what you do with that energy, yeah?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
a guy once gave me a standup routine on what it's really like owning a libido like his, and instead of ticking me off or making me feel automatically dehumanized, it humanized him. it gave me genuine sympathy for the whole male-experience thing, probably for the first time ever. plus, it had me crying with laughter for days. this was a guy i'd known for practically 30 years without having the faintest idea he'd even noticed that i have boobs. turned out he'd been internally 'clawing the furniture' - his phrase for it - the whole time.

i don't think you should assume automatically that it's unhealthy to be like you are, honestly. in fact it would be kind of a shame if you wrecked your own opinion of something that's probably just an inherent, natural part of you without even waiting to find out whether it's even appropriate or necessary.

i've got to say i don't suffer the kinds of ideation you do (although i seem to have other women friends who do), but for what it's worth, i'm equating it right now with the way that i blush. i blush autonomously, whether i'm feeling anything that would set it off in less hair-trigger people or not. it has socially-loaded connotations, of course; people assuming i'm shy or self-conscious or what-have you. but in actual fact, it has NOTHING to do with any of that and it says nothing about the state of my mind. it's just something my body does without consulting me.
It's also true that you can desire someone without turning them into the "object" of your desire. I'm not certain that the sex is a thing anybody can turn off completely--but you can channel it so that you are in charge of your libido, rather than the other way around.

From 16 until about 22, I had the same sort of problem--I was attracted to everyone who fit (even in a limited sense) my prerequisites for attraction, and I didn't like it, because it made me feel uncomfortable and out of control, and in many cases seemed like it was highly inappropriate or disrespectful.

Having the hormones level off was helpful, but what was also helpful was accepting the feelings. Once I'd accepted that I was... attracted to certain people (and gave up on feeling awful about it), I could take a step back and have a look at them holistically. And I found that I could still respect and like somebody, even though I was attracted to them and the attraction was a dead-end street. Which sort of made the desire bleed over into a more general kind of affection.

You know fantasies are just... fantasies. You can't always (can seldom?) control what your brain spits up at you, but you can control what you do with that energy, yeah?

Lilysocks and etranger, your responses have been very useful in helping me continue to develop my own perspective - thank you.

etranger, you put into words the things I was uneasy about but for some reason could not express at the beginning of this thread: that these emotions are "uncomfortable" when I don't want them and make be feel "out of control". It is also good to know that you have experienced that this attraction persists over time, yet also found it's something you can allow to pass as your more conscious self decides on your actions. Your last sentence resonates well with me, and I will attempt to adopt this policy in the near future.

Lilysocks - blushing is a great comparison and I think I'd agree! I have a similar problem at times: if I'm trying to be serious/outwardly confident in a situation and someone attempts to make me laugh or lighten the mood, I'll naturally break a smirk and lose my composure for a second. It's the way my body reacts to a situation, even though I don't want it to. Indeed this is similar to my concern about sexual attraction - occurring when I don't want it to. As I think about it more I realize there are many emotions/reactions in life that pop up when we don't want them to, so I anticipate I will be able to use similar techniques for all of them.
 

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PLEASE NOTE: I have had a girlfriend and I'm socially competent around girls. This desire is not a yearning for the unknown/unexperienced.

----


As an 18 year old guy, I have hormones running through me that make me feel sexual towards girls in a wide variety of circumstances, sometimes when I think they aren't appropriate (not just socially but morally and intellectually). I came to this realization when I was reading this one book, written by a female author. Her style and thoughts were interesting and I felt very connected to her at times in how she expressed things I agreed with. I felt happy in reading this book. However, at a point I came across a picture of the author, and sexual thoughts immediately pass through my mind: "Is she hot? Am I attracted to her? Do I want to have sex with her?". Suddenly I realize that these perverted (use the denotation) thoughts are not appropriate in this situation. I was having a good time connecting with her intellectually, but suddenly my teenage sexual desires are aroused and suddenly the connection fades and the new attraction/sexual connection begins.

I've observed this to be true in other facets of my life, perhaps even universally. It's almost impossible for me to view women without including their physical attraction or my attraction (or lack) in the equation. Of course, I can suppress this feeling and behave like it doesn't exists, which I do, but it still occurs. To borrow a term from sitcoms, it feels like there is always some sort of "sexual tension", albeit sometimes very small, between me and any women - and I'm guessing maybe even most men and women around the world.

I realize this is a product of hormones telling me to procreate the human species combined with the social urge for young people to date each other. Still, I don't like having these feelings crop up all the time and they feel hollow to me, especially when I feel sexual/attracted to just random girls for no reason other than them having breasts and a pleasing face. Plus, this often stops me for being able to develop meaningful friendships with girls similar to myself because I'll keep having this sexual attraction towards them that probably won't result in a relationship anyway.

My question is: For the older members here, is this a thing that goes away with age, or is it something you have to learn to live with? And for anyone else, how have you learned to cope with your natural attraction towards girls? Have you had relationships ruined because of your own sexual desires, even if you don't act on them?
It calms down, it doesn't go away. It's completely natural.

Fucking enjoy it mate.

It's more unhealthy to deny yourself than it is to indulge it. Go flirt it out. You don't need to have sex, just flirt with girls.
 

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When this attraction interferes with other things, like the ability to form deep platonic relationships or treat a female friend as you'd treat a male friend.
You probably wont have the ability to form deep purely platonic relationships with girls, and later, women.

I like to deal in reality and honesty. I had the same issue growing up but I used the situation differently.
I just started hanging around girls I thought were sexy with the intent of forming a sexual relationship.
Eventually I became accustomed to being around them and I had regular friendships with them but, unlike my relationships with my male friends, occasionally, when the studying was done and the books where put away the clothes came off.
I cant even look at an attractive woman without thinking about how she would be in bed. I can laugh at my animal side though. The caveman on the inside of me is very funny at times.
The thoughts are not inappropriate. I think it is inappropriate to view a girl the same way you would view a boy regardless of what TV tells us.


Besides, I married one of my friends and we have been happily married for 16 years.
She is my best friend and there are benefits!
 
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