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891 Posts
Hello Sixes,
I had a terrible weekend. On Friday, my husband discovered me in the midst of seizure (had not had one for four years, and had been through several tests). Anyway, it took a long time for me to regain consciousness: for about a half hour after the seizure, when DH asked me "Where are you now"?, I was responding with where I was at mentally: I kept telling him all kinds of stuff about philosophy, how I was really an E1 and not an E6, etc.
Well, I actually had the insight hit me the night before (Thursday). See, for me, there is a very fine line between 6 and 1. Heck, my counsellor, who is the one who got me interested in the Enneagram, never even considered six. She thought I was a 1 or a 4, after I told her that I was indeed a 1.
So, how do I know that I am a 1? Well, I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions. People here know me as a non-conformist, and that is true. I am also the type of person who will come to another's defense if I believe it's warranted. Why? It isn't counterphobia.
It's my conscience. When I speak up, it's because I feel I must stand up for my beliefs in that instant. I believe it's the right thing to do, for myself, at least. Also, I looked at my self-esteem validation strategy (i.e. looking at those who behave very different from me). What I learned that was for me, this is a way of testing my boundaries. I left my religion six years ago, and have mentioned that here before. When I examined my main motivation for leaving, it was obvious that the main thing that pushed me out was corruption and hypocrisy in the Church. I figured, if there is a God (or more than one) then that deity would not support a church that promoted a cover-up of such a scandal.
Leaving was not easy- I was promised eternal hell for that action. I was looking for security in an unsecure situation, and I think at some point, something said to me: "You'll figure this out. You know your intentions. Any decent God would see that you are trying to do the right thing." And that is the belief that kept me secure throughout that difficult time. I had recurring nightmares about my parents finding out after. Also, in the past, I had occasional dreams about the afterlife. The good vs. evil theme really showed up a lot in my life.
Re: the inner critic that ones often feel they have inside themselves: I think if you are trying to decide between Type 1 and another type, you have to listen to what that inner critic says. Sometimes, the messages you hear back are downright nasty. Here are some messages my inner critic tells me:
-"You are a disgusting, bad person. If people knew what you were really like, they'd want nothing to do with you."
-"You are a slut-wannabe" (I was raised to believe that sex was bad, plus I have some medical issues that make intimacy a challenge, so that's where that idea comes from).
-"You are selfish, evil and bad, for being jealous of people who get things that you don't have. Yeah, you've worked hard to improve things. So what? You don't deserve anything good, you bitch"
(If I see a picture of a good looking man, and think of what I'd like to do to him given the chance): "You can't think like that, you're married. That is *emotional infidelity*"
The words "selfish", "evil", and "disgusting" are words that I use repeatedly. When I learned that my inner critic was having a heyday with these messages, that clinched it for me. I have been called a perfectionist. One label applied to me by my high school principal was "The Perfectionist Who is Her Own Worst Critic". I thought, with a label like that, Type 1 is too oversimplified. But sometimes, the simplest explanation is indeed the correct one. And in this case, it was the correct one.
Feel free to ask me any questions, but please also be patient with me. The seizure really messed things up, but I think it happened for a reason.
So there you have it. I am a 1, not a 6. But I still think 6s are awesome, and all of you have been really kind to me. I actually feel an immense sense of peace, being a 1, that I didn't have when I believed I was a 6.
I had a terrible weekend. On Friday, my husband discovered me in the midst of seizure (had not had one for four years, and had been through several tests). Anyway, it took a long time for me to regain consciousness: for about a half hour after the seizure, when DH asked me "Where are you now"?, I was responding with where I was at mentally: I kept telling him all kinds of stuff about philosophy, how I was really an E1 and not an E6, etc.
Well, I actually had the insight hit me the night before (Thursday). See, for me, there is a very fine line between 6 and 1. Heck, my counsellor, who is the one who got me interested in the Enneagram, never even considered six. She thought I was a 1 or a 4, after I told her that I was indeed a 1.
So, how do I know that I am a 1? Well, I had to ask myself a lot of hard questions. People here know me as a non-conformist, and that is true. I am also the type of person who will come to another's defense if I believe it's warranted. Why? It isn't counterphobia.
It's my conscience. When I speak up, it's because I feel I must stand up for my beliefs in that instant. I believe it's the right thing to do, for myself, at least. Also, I looked at my self-esteem validation strategy (i.e. looking at those who behave very different from me). What I learned that was for me, this is a way of testing my boundaries. I left my religion six years ago, and have mentioned that here before. When I examined my main motivation for leaving, it was obvious that the main thing that pushed me out was corruption and hypocrisy in the Church. I figured, if there is a God (or more than one) then that deity would not support a church that promoted a cover-up of such a scandal.
Leaving was not easy- I was promised eternal hell for that action. I was looking for security in an unsecure situation, and I think at some point, something said to me: "You'll figure this out. You know your intentions. Any decent God would see that you are trying to do the right thing." And that is the belief that kept me secure throughout that difficult time. I had recurring nightmares about my parents finding out after. Also, in the past, I had occasional dreams about the afterlife. The good vs. evil theme really showed up a lot in my life.
Re: the inner critic that ones often feel they have inside themselves: I think if you are trying to decide between Type 1 and another type, you have to listen to what that inner critic says. Sometimes, the messages you hear back are downright nasty. Here are some messages my inner critic tells me:
-"You are a disgusting, bad person. If people knew what you were really like, they'd want nothing to do with you."
-"You are a slut-wannabe" (I was raised to believe that sex was bad, plus I have some medical issues that make intimacy a challenge, so that's where that idea comes from).
-"You are selfish, evil and bad, for being jealous of people who get things that you don't have. Yeah, you've worked hard to improve things. So what? You don't deserve anything good, you bitch"
(If I see a picture of a good looking man, and think of what I'd like to do to him given the chance): "You can't think like that, you're married. That is *emotional infidelity*"
The words "selfish", "evil", and "disgusting" are words that I use repeatedly. When I learned that my inner critic was having a heyday with these messages, that clinched it for me. I have been called a perfectionist. One label applied to me by my high school principal was "The Perfectionist Who is Her Own Worst Critic". I thought, with a label like that, Type 1 is too oversimplified. But sometimes, the simplest explanation is indeed the correct one. And in this case, it was the correct one.
Feel free to ask me any questions, but please also be patient with me. The seizure really messed things up, but I think it happened for a reason.
So there you have it. I am a 1, not a 6. But I still think 6s are awesome, and all of you have been really kind to me. I actually feel an immense sense of peace, being a 1, that I didn't have when I believed I was a 6.