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Here it goes.

The 2 year anniversary of my father's death is next week. I've spent the last 3+ years (approximately when he was diagnosed with stage 3 malignant melanoma) figuring out all the implications of his death to me. It's amazing how much one life event can teach someone.

Anyway, last night I woke up at 4:30am in the middle of a strange dream.

I dreamt I missed my dad, so I got his (very well preserved, non-decayed) corpse and made a suit out of it and put it on. So I was basically walking around as my dead dad, talking to people. People in the dream knew it was me, even though I looked like my dad.

Then I dreamt that, while on a little outing with my dad's widow - who I've only started getting along with since he died - she was hit by a car and sustained massive injuries and died.

While we were transporting her body back home, her "spirit" (which I don't believe in) contacted me to ask me to do her a favor. She brought me to her private, locked room at her house where she had stored a bunch of gifts for her elderly mother. She wanted me to give her mother the gifts.

In my dream, I was very desirous of money from her room as well. And she told me I could have it. But I'd have to be careful taking it because, since she was dead, no one would probably believe me that she had said I could have the money.

Finally, I realized my dad's corpse was probably going to start getting stinky and so I'd have to say good bye and let it go. I took it off and let it fall onto the bed behind me. People took it away and I didn't watch...which is basically exactly what happened when he died. I didn't go to see his dead body. My brother did.

Any reactions, critiques, insights or observations are welcome.
 

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Very interesting dream. Are you at peace with the decision in not seeing your father's body like your brother did?

In any case, I am sorry for the loss of your father two years ago. I can't imagine how you deal with such a loss, but you're proof positive that we all can and do deal with it, some how and some way.
 

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Thank you for responding! :)

I didn't regret it at the time. It got VERY stressful at the end and, though I obviously didn't want him to die, it was a bit of a relief when it finally happened. He was in excruciating pain all the time, incontinent and bed ridden. His arm (where the cancer originated) was 3X the size of his other arm, covered in puss filled lesions. In the end, he didn't actually die from cancer. It was the pain killers. But anyway.

We all knew he was going to die the night he did. He had been taken off of the feeding tube. A large crowd came to his house and said goodbye in a big procession. At the end, I got my chance. My brother and I had written him poems that we read. He probably couldn't hear us, but I will choose to believe he did.

In the morning we got the call that he had died. I needed everything to be over, so I stayed where I was. My brother went to my dad's house to see him. He said he didn't look real. He said it was a mistake to touch him because he felt very strange. I felt slightly guilty for not wanting to see him. But I wanted to remember him alive.

Thank you for asking and giving me the opportunity to talk about it.
 

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Dream interpretations are very subjective.

I find it interesting that instead of walking along with your father, that you became him by putting on the suit. Most kids who spent time with there fathers always picture them as being beside them, while kids who spent time watching their father interact with others put the suit on. Do you feel that your father spent enough time talking directly to you? Enough leisure activities.

Then there is the act of talking to others as your father. It could be a moral and ethical pull back to the values he taught you as a kid. Possibly a subconscious want to be more like him by taking up his mannerism and customs. Did he impart strong moral and ethical believes to you? Are you straying from those believes now?

The Step Mother thing I'm going to go Freudian with and say that you are mad at her. Possibly that she had a stronger emotional reaction to his death then you did. That maybe she cried a little more or wept a little longer and it created resentment. Thus her death. Also the giving of things and money may be the resentment saying that she got more then she deserved in the end. That more should have gone to you.

I believe that the not seeing him taken away has already been hit on well enough. You'll never see the body taken because you didn't go and see him after the death.

Really I might be wrong on all accounts. Maybe you just miss him, wish he was still here. I am sorry for your lose.
 
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OK. Om, first off, wow.

Dream interpretations are very subjective.

I find it interesting that instead of walking along with your father, that you became him by putting on the suit. Most kids who spent time with there fathers always picture them as being beside them, while kids who spent time watching their father interact with others put the suit on. Do you feel that your father spent enough time talking directly to you? Enough leisure activities.
He was a well-known figure in our community and I always felt that he gave all his time and attention and talent to other people.

Then there is the act of talking to others as your father. It could be a moral and ethical pull back to the values he taught you as a kid. Possibly a subconscious want to be more like him by taking up his mannerism and customs. Did he impart strong moral and ethical believes to you? Are you straying from those believes now?
Yes and yes.

The Step Mother thing I'm going to go Freudian with and say that you are mad at her. Possibly that she had a stronger emotional reaction to his death then you did. That maybe she cried a little more or wept a little longer and it created resentment. Thus her death. Also the giving of things and money may be the resentment saying that she got more then she deserved in the end. That more should have gone to you.
Are you psychic?? LOL :p

She still cries daily, after two years and just recently joined a grief group.

The one thing my dad WAS generous with me with was his money...until he met her. Then it dried up. :O I would have preferred he got to know me well and thought I was great. But I always thought, at LEAST he buys me things. Once they were together, he took her on fancy vacations several times a year and cut me off, stopped paying for my doctor bills.

I believe that the not seeing him taken away has already been hit on well enough. You'll never see the body taken because you didn't go and see him after the death.

Really I might be wrong on all accounts. Maybe you just miss him, wish he was still here. I am sorry for your lose.
Thank you. That was pretty awesome.
 

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Are you psychic?? LOL :p

She still cries daily, after two years and just recently joined a grief group.

The one thing my dad WAS generous with me with was his money...until he met her. Then it dried up. :O I would have preferred he got to know me well and thought I was great. But I always thought, at LEAST he buys me things. Once they were together, he took her on fancy vacations several times a year and cut me off, stopped paying for my doctor bills.

Thank you. That was pretty awesome.
Not a psychic no. You told me everything I needed to know.

So I think it would help you to do something for your dad's anniversary. It could be something like going to his gravestone every year or if you can't reach his stone possibly wearing something of his on that day. Say maybe he left a tie or hat (I can't resist saying suit). Something that is obviously masculine and would not be something you would normally wear. So that when people see it they will ask you about it and you can share with them the story of your father.

People show grief in different ways. Though you are jealous of your step mom for showing grief by crying, because that is what you think you should also be doing, you can show grief by remembering. Having a chance to talk about him is a form of grief counseling and it may help you.

But have fun with it. When people ask you about the hat or tie, tell them stories about a fishing trip, a baseball game, bowling, barbecue, vacation, or something that he taught you while you were together. Maybe like how to change a tire, or check the oil on your car.

How about we give it a test run? Would you like to share something now?
 
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@Wheeze - Cool ideas. :D

I am actually having a party two days after the anniversary of his death, in his memory. We're going to play games he used to have people play at his many gatherings. He was a very social person. I will have a picture of him displayed and I'll mention to everyone there what inspired me to invite everyone on that particular day.

I've been feeling an especially intense need for attention recently, started planning the party on this day, and then realized it was a form of grieving.
 

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@Berdudget What is special about two days after?
 
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@Berdudget What is special about two days after?
Oh nothing, really. He died on the 17th, which is a Thursday. The 19th is the weekend. It's easier to get people to come on the weekend. :)
 
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