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Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
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Discussion Starter #1
I just received word that my brother in law has died.
It appears to be suicide, since he was found in his bed,
with a onetime grill on the floor emitting smoke and choking him.

I feel like the world is spiraling out of control with this news.
My sister marrying him was in many ways one of the few rays of light in an otherwise troubling story.
I certainly hasn't managed as well in that department.
Now I feel a crushing weight upon me, not only for all the issues this brings forth.
Yet also because I genuinely liked the guy, and had pretty friendly relations with him.
He will be missed!
I write here in the advice center because I need a line out somewhere,
because I know that in my current circumstance, life is going to be very trying.
I usually don't handle family stuff very well, and this will just pile on that.

I feel sort of guilty, because I set certain boundaries towards him,
even though I know he meant well, I also needed my space.
It becomes one of those things where I wonder, what if I did X differently.
It is natural and yet irrational, because what happened happened.
I really could not have handled things differently at the time,
and I know that hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway I'm just posting here to be able to vent,
as I know from experience that none of the people around me will be able to help me right now.
They will need my help more than I will need theirs.
 

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What is done is done. It is very hard to undo things with the living, and even then memories linger. It is impossible to undo the past with the the dead, no matter how much you want to. This is over.

I have been through this in my life. I gave it some thought and realized two things. The first was that if this person lived another 50 years nothing would have changed. The second was you can drive yourself crazy with concern, guilt or worry. This is over. Put it in the rear view mirror. If you are going to worry, worry about yourself as you get on with your life.

Your ability to change this is zero. The best you can do is say “I wish this would have worked out differently.” You have likely already done that. Your job is done. Move on. You have bigger fish to fry.
 

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Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
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10,672 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
What is done is done. It is very hard to undo things with the living, and even then memories linger. It is impossible to undo the past with the the dead, no matter how much you want to. This is over.

I have been through this in my life. I gave it some thought and realized two things. The first was that if this person lived another 50 years nothing would have changed. The second was you can drive yourself crazy with concern, guilt or worry. This is over. Put it in the rear view mirror. If you are going to worry, worry about yourself as you get on with your life.

Your ability to change this is zero. The best you can do is say “I wish this would have worked out differently.” You have likely already done that. Your job is done. Move on. You have bigger fish to fry.
Thank you!
I needed to hear a more reasoned perspective on this.
You are right, I need to focus my attention on things I actually can control.
It doesn't help wasting my energy on futile what if's!
 

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I just received word that my brother in law has died.
It appears to be suicide, since he was found in his bed,
with a onetime grill on the floor emitting smoke and choking him.

I feel like the world is spiraling out of control with this news.
My sister marrying him was in many ways one of the few rays of light in an otherwise troubling story.
I certainly hasn't managed as well in that department.
Now I feel a crushing weight upon me, not only for all the issues this brings forth.
Yet also because I genuinely liked the guy, and had pretty friendly relations with him.
He will be missed!
I write here in the advice center because I need a line out somewhere,
because I know that in my current circumstance, life is going to be very trying.
I usually don't handle family stuff very well, and this will just pile on that.

That’s like the worst thing I’ve heard. I think it would also cause some form of clinical depression having gone through that. I went through something bad recently, and I only realised I was depressed until later. It’s good to check in with yourself, to see how you’re doing. Maybe journalling your thoughts and expressing what you’re thinking and feeling more and seeing alternative ways you could think about the situation or even your own thoughts. CBT . Here is also a good point



I feel sort of guilty, because I set certain boundaries towards him,
even though I know he meant well, I also needed my space.
It becomes one of those things where I wonder, what if I did X differently.
It is natural and yet irrational, because what happened happened.
I really could not have handled things differently at the time,
and I know that hindsight is 20/20.

Anyway I'm just posting here to be able to vent,
as I know from experience that none of the people around me will be able to help me right now.
They will need my help more than I will need theirs.

I guess there is no way to envision doing anything differently. There’s this mentality when dealing with trauma, that you think you could have done this or that differently. The person who resolves trauma, realises that there is nothing they could have done differently. They experienced what they experienced and that is the only path, because that is the nature of life.
 

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I am very sorry for your loss. :(
These things are never easy. And for what it's worth, your words sound very typical of a grieving person.
For some reason- we tend to blame ourselves. Especially when it seems it's a self-inflicted death.
If my recent experiences help you at all- I will go ahead and share them in the hopes they will.
There was a recent apparent suicide in my community of a young person. :( One that we were close to- but perhaps not in the last 2 years. Not because of anything bad. Just sort of drifting apart due to not being involved in the same activities. There is automatic guilt - wondering if we had said something, done something, been in their life- if the outcome would have been different. This is not truly logical- but I think a normal, human response.

I also feel like a hex these last few years. Like 3 different (adult) people I restricted from my social media life for being overwhelming with me --- just interacting with me way too much or feeling smothered by them---- died. It's so weird, but in each case, I was thinking, "Wow- I just pushed this person away in the virtual world- and now they are gone." So automatic guilt. Like what an awful person I am that I took my space back from these people- but little did I know it was the end of their lives. ugggh. 2 of them were very nice people- friends - good parents--- good people. Just overwhelmed me. The 3rd- we butted heads and didn't see eye to eye- but I would never wish harm upon.

I am over those guilt feelings for the most part with the adult deaths- now that enough time has passed. Rational reasoning has now replaced my initial emotional "guilt" responses. Much of this is simply shock. I will always feel a bit bad --- but we cannot be there in every way/every day/for every person. And people are going to die when they die. It is what it is.

Hugs to you and your family during this difficult time. Time does make things more clear and make things easier for sure.
 

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Heretic
ESI 9w8 5w4 2w1
Joined
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10,672 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
That’s like the worst thing I’ve heard. I think it would also cause some form of clinical depression having gone through that. I went through something bad recently, and I only realised I was depressed until later. It’s good to check in with yourself, to see how you’re doing. Maybe journalling your thoughts and expressing what you’re thinking and feeling more and seeing alternative ways you could think about the situation or even your own thoughts. CBT . Here is also a good point

I guess there is no way to envision doing anything differently. There’s this mentality when dealing with trauma, that you think you could have done this or that differently. The person who resolves trauma, realises that there is nothing they could have done differently. They experienced what they experienced and that is the only path, because that is the nature of life.
Thanks, I've done a fair bit of mindfulness in my life, so I'm able to deal with thoughts to a degree.
Yet I still find myself escaping into games and such.
Even replying to the responses in this thread took me a while.
I'm pretty stable and I'm able to get stuff done, as much as is needed in these times of social distancing anyway.

I am very sorry for your loss. :(
These things are never easy. And for what it's worth, your words sound very typical of a grieving person.
...
...
...
Hugs to you and your family during this difficult time. Time does make things more clear and make things easier for sure.
Thanks, I guess I'm grieving but I'm not fully able to face it yet.
It changes so much stuff in my life, leaves a big vacuum.
 

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As time moves on, things, memories, and pain will change along with the feelings growing weaker. Don’t get me wrong the feelings will be the feelings they were and will hit you hard in moments, but you will learn to deal with them and put them in a different perspective—it’s not in forgetting them but letting them be what they are—moving and changing. I don’t know if this will help you or even makes sense to you. My deepest condolences for your loss, and in all the ways the loss affects you.
 
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