[Ember]

I have been away lately trying to focus on studying and my girlfriend (who is just a close friend, now.) I missed this place quite a bit.

We decided to end things when we realized how different we were in society as a whole. When we were alone, it was like 'magic' but around friends and/or strangers, it was pretty meh. We used to think, "Oh, if we love each other, who cares about everything else?" but it isn't so.

She wanted me meet her friends and talk to the people she spoke to in class. She loved talking to everyone and make everyone feel comfortable. You know? A real ENFP. It wasn't as though I didn't like talking to them or was shy but I was just not interested. Meeting and talking to strangers just isn't my thing. When I talk to people without being interested, its pretty much written all over my face.

Even though I knew her for only three months and were together for just over a month, it was the most intense relation I have been in. We didn't even get physical. It was above emotions and intellect. I don't think I'd find anyone like her. It was such a burnout.

We decided to get to know each other for another year or two and make some more mutual friends or something similar where both of our ideas about what we'd want from a relationship starts converging.

Also, these quotes from a different forum regarding INTP/ENFP relationships.

Yeah if you arent careful, they will use their mind ray to switch your T to an F, and being in unknown territory, you will do a lot of really irrational things!

Honestly, I would like to know if it's the same way for the ENFP. I think it's common for INTP's to get that way, because the ENFP's are just kinda able to eff with us that way where most other people don't. it really is like they are staring into your soul. But I haven't figured out if they feel equally as freaked out because we kind of stare back into their's? Any ENFP's have an answer on that one?

ENFPs and INTPs

Do you think I did the right thing by ending stuff and being 'best friends' instead?

 

[qingdom]

Love her, you fool!

all caps not working.

 

[Ember]

Love her, you fool!

all caps not working.

I have thought about it, man. A lot.
It's pretty much like the 'social-reject-stoner-geek-metal-head' dating the 'popular-amiable-kind-talkative'.

I am a level 6.

 

[Promethea]

I personally can't date extroverts. They want to drag me around too much to interact with people, and expect me to "come out of my shell." What makes them think I want to/need to? That just isn't me. I feel like interacting sometimes on my own terms, and I will pick when. That isn't enough for an extrovert in a relationship in my experience. They try to push me to do more, interact more. It ends up frustrating me. I used to lock myself in my bathroom and cry when I dated this ENFP guy in college. He wouldn't stop talking. I need time to mentally shut down and he never gave it to me. I tried to communicate with him and let him know I needed lots of time to shut down and not talk.. and he just yipity yip yip yap yap yap yap all the time.. So, I had a mini-breakdown sometimes.

 

[Tulipgarden]

Hmmm...I dunno about this. I am ENFP (although, I am starting to wonder if I am ENTP--Im new to this, but we won't go there right now) and my husband is INTJ, though, not INTP. I wouldn't change it for the world. He still attends functions with me and I enjoy having him go even if he is quiet. At my brother's wedding reception I don't think there could have been enough horses to keep me seated in one spot, I had to go mingle. I had my eye on every person I was going to talk to next before I was finished meeting the first person. My husband just let me go be me (for the most part -- he did dance with me and the more alcohol he drank the more awesome it got lol, even though I don't drink. I am ALWAYS deeply aware of when I am getting close to pushing the line with ignoring him too much and I always draw back to him. I am aware when enough it enough for him (because he isn't going to say anything) and it is probably time to wind things down. I wonder if how I draw back to each other is what makes the difference? I like my husband and he likes me so I know that the introvert vs. extrovert thing can work.

 

[Jennywocky]

I find aspects of extroverts attractive, but I don't know if I could make a long-term relationship work with one... not unless they were a "low-key" extrovert with a healthy degree of self-awareness.

As far as whether you should have broken it off... how would we know?
That's something only you and she could answer.

If you can love her and want to and can ride out the bad parts, go for it.
If not, end it.
That's about all it is.
I think if you broke up with her for some "logical" reason, though, while still really wanting to be with her, and being able to ride out the rough spots, then maybe you logicked your way out of a positive thing. Love can be hard to find sometimes.

 

[qingdom]

.. and he just yipity yip yip yap yap yap yap all the time..

This should be made into a greeting card or a tshirt.... with something that says "You had to have been there", perhaps on the back of the shirt.


For example, How to make people go "WAT?" in real life.....

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

I find aspects of extroverts attractive, but I don't know if I could make a long-term relationship work with one... not unless they were a "low-key" extrovert with a healthy degree of self-awareness.

There are extroverts and there are EXTROVERTS, lol.
The small-e extroverts I do fine with. I'll listen to them, talk with them, go out and socialize with them if they don't mind me being quiet sometimes.
But then there are the others.. no concept of boundaries, personal space, alone time-- I can't even be friends with them!

 

[ambiguous entity]

I'm in a relationship with an ENFP as we speak.. It is much like how you describe it, magic alone together but meh around everyone else. Sadly I see an end soon.

 

[Ember]

Hmmm...I dunno about this. I am ENFP (although, I am starting to wonder if I am ENTP--Im new to this, but we won't go there right now) and my husband is INTJ, though, not INTP. I wouldn't change it for the world. He still attends functions with me and I enjoy having him go even if he is quiet. At my brother's wedding reception I don't think there could have been enough horses to keep me seated in one spot, I had to go mingle. I had my eye on every person I was going to talk to next before I was finished meeting the first person. My husband just let me go be me (for the most part -- he did dance with me and the more alcohol he drank the more awesome it got lol, even though I don't drink. I am ALWAYS deeply aware of when I am getting close to pushing the line with ignoring him too much and I always draw back to him. I am aware when enough it enough for him (because he isn't going to say anything) and it is probably time to wind things down. I wonder if how I draw back to each other is what makes the difference? I like my husband and he likes me so I know that the introvert vs. extrovert thing can work.

I find aspects of extroverts attractive, but I don't know if I could make a long-term relationship work with one... not unless they were a "low-key" extrovert with a healthy degree of self-awareness.

As far as whether you should have broken it off... how would we know?
That's something only you and she could answer.

If you can love her and want to and can ride out the bad parts, go for it.
If not, end it.
That's about all it is.
I think if you broke up with her for some "logical" reason, though, while still really wanting to be with her, and being able to ride out the rough spots, then maybe you logicked your way out of a positive thing. Love can be hard to find sometimes.

Yeah, the both of us started thinking about it after this particular incident after a class. She wanted to introduce me to all her friends but I told her I rather read a book. It made her feel extremely guilty for not talking to me after class but I didn't even complain. It doesn't bother me all that much but she feels as though it made me sad. Although, I don't know if I'll be all that uncaring about her wanting to be social with everyone at every moment on the long-term.

The only logical explanation I had was if we ended the whole thing now, it would be a little less painful rather than getting really emotionally attached and fucking things up later.

 

[NeedsNewNameNow]

Yeah, the both of us started thinking about it after this particular incident after a class. She wanted to introduce me to all her friends but I told her I rather read a book. It made her feel extremely guilty for not talking to me after class but I didn't even complain. It doesn't bother me all that much but she feels as though it made me sad. Although, I don't know if I'll be all that uncaring about her wanting to be social with everyone at every moment on the long-term.

The only logical explanation I had was if we ended the whole thing now, it would be a little less painful rather than getting really emotionally attached and fucking things up later.

I don't really understand. She only wanted you to meet her friends? Are you sure you aren't running away because you are scared?

 

[Ember]

I don't really understand. She only wanted you to meet her friends? Are you sure you aren't running away because you are scared?

Honestly, I suck with small talk and I'd be just staring at them giving them monotone answers. Also she told me about how in the future, she'd want all our friend circles to be merged where everyone knows everyone. It made me think about my rather small friend circle and how I couldn't put up with being around a lot of people for the most time.

It's no one's fault and it's all about where you draw your energy from. Her idea of growing as a couple would be spending time with close friends and doing things together, being comfortable with people who mean a lot to her, and having them around most of the time save for a few 'wanted' intimate moments.
I, on the other hand, visualize growing as a couple to being able to spend more quality alone time with each other. Obviously, I'd want to go out and socialize sometimes but our priorities were completely different.

 

[stuff]

It's scary when a XXXX starts to wonder if they could date a XXXX. Any type could date any type if they respect each other. So i hope your decision isn't based on you reading how a T shouldn't date a F or anything like that. It's a challenge but it could also be very rewarding. They do always say opposites attract.

Anyway, You can go hide in your safe INTP cave if you want or you can go see what else life has to offer. Just saying.

 

[kikikins]

Honestly, I suck with small talk and I'd be just staring at them giving them monotone answers. Also she told me about how in the future, she'd want all our friend circles to be merged where everyone knows everyone. It made me think about my rather small friend circle and how I couldn't put up with being around a lot of people for the most time.

It's no one's fault and it's all about where you draw your energy from. Her idea of growing as a couple would be spending time with close friends and doing things together, being comfortable with people who mean a lot to her, and having them around most of the time save for a few 'wanted' intimate moments.
I, on the other hand, visualize growing as a couple to being able to spend more quality alone time with each other. Obviously, I'd want to go out and socialize sometimes but our priorities were completely different.

Merging groups of friends is a hilarious concept to me. They are people, not cattle. I know how you feel though, my ex was an ESFJ and he always wanted me to go with him and his friends. I would decline and say i just wanted to be by myself and he would get hurt by this and think I didn't want to see him.
On the flipside, I would ask him for alone time, just the two of us, and he wouldn't be down for that either. I felt like he had this "date me and all my friends or no one at all" mentality.
This little "e" concept sounds bearable but all the extroverts i have dated called me a million times a day, wanted to meet up several times a week and just flat out didn't try to understand my needs beyond writing me off as an antisocial bore if I didn't want to go to every possible social event

 

[Bazinga187]

Even though I knew her for only three months and were together for just over a month, it was the most intense relation I have been in. We didn't even get physical. It was above emotions and intellect. I don't think I'd find anyone like her. It was such a burnout.

"But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." - John Green, Looking For Alaska

I really need to stop quoting John Green.

 

[Ember]

"But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane." - John Green, Looking For Alaska

I really need to stop quoting John Green.

Hah, I really liked it. Note to self: read said book.

 

[cranberryplains]

Hah, I really liked it. Note to self: read said book.

You need to read it. It is one of my favorite books of all time. Get off your computer, go to your local bookstore/library/ebook and get it. You will be thankful. And also, the second quote of @Bazinga187 's signature is also from Looking For Alaska, if you wanted to know.

 

[Ista]

ENFPs and INTPs

Do you think I did the right thing by ending stuff and being 'best friends' instead?

Who can say? Who can say?

Yes.

 

[Aislee]

I dated my ENFJ friend for a few weeks and now we're still very good friends. We went through similar things. It is amazing when we are alone together but in any kind of social setting, I fade into the background because he'd literally talk to EVERYONE. He assumes that it's because I'm shy, but I told him I'm just not that interested in people. He doesn't respond well to this concept and say that's "lame" and "Wow? Really?", painting me as some kind of bitter individual who just loathes people.

That's obviously not the case. I find it that most INTPs are just disinterested in people. No kidding, I WISHED I could be interested in random strangers and I even tried. But I just don't. I do think that this reason, alone, makes it difficult to maintain a relationship with a very extroverted person.

 

[QuietStorm]

I'm in a relationship with an ENFP as we speak.. It is much like how you describe it, magic alone together but meh around everyone else. Sadly I see an end soon.

I wasn't in a relationship with my ENFP love interest... but there were 'benefits' to our friendship. My biggest peeve was that (over a 4 year span) I couldn't get him to concretely admit to any kind of real attraction - though there were moments when I thought 'this could work'.... they were strongly overpowered by emotional breakdowns ...
Needless to say, I've been weaning myself off him. Because, as fun as being with him is, I don't get the chance very often anymore, and even then, I want someone I can depend on. And he hasn't presented himself that way to me. I still feel like I have to compete with a multitude of his male and female friends just to have a small part of his attention -- and if he's watching a game/show/movie? Forget it. (Guess that says where I stand, huh?)

Anyway -- that's my situation. I just don't have much determination when it comes to that stuff... I can be aggressive but I prefer not to be.
But if you're willing to tough it out, go for it. I have yet to experience something equal to the effect he has on me. And if it's like that for you and you think that that's worth it, then don't give up because it gets rough. Nothing worth having comes easily.