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Spotlight March 2016
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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
How do you make them? Push them off for as long as possible? Avoid them?

Do you tend to require approval, and/or consensus from outside sources?

I find I even have a difficult time figuring out what I really think, or want. I'm a walking contradiction half the time.

I remember most of my life thinking that other people would be able to tell me the way I am far better than I could, and I almost wished someone would say, ''You are this type of person, so this should be your career.''

Narrowing it down and leaving me unable to be indecisive. That'd be great.

So, how do you make decisions in your life, 9s? Do you feel that you are able to do so independently?

If not, have you developed 'coping mechanisms' for making decisions independently?

How do you find out what you really think?
 

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I have never had any problems making decisions that affect only me, like what flavour of ice cream I want, or even my own career choice.

Decisions on when to leave a social event when I'm driving a bunch of people are a lot harder though, I want to make sure everyone gets what they want, and I don't really trust them to tell me explicitly what they want. With people I am close to though and who will tell me what they really want and I have a sense of their priorities, I have a lot less problems with making decisions, but usually I ask the others to confirm. :)

Sometimes though I don't have an opinion. Which is weird to some people, because they always have opinions about everything. Sometimes I'm just looking at a situation from an angle whereby the factors that they are looking at just don't matter.



How do you find out what you really think? Well, I'd say the ice cream store is a good example. I look at each flavour, imagine eating it, and imagine how much I would like to enjoy that. If it's something I've had recently it might be off the list. Some days I'm in the mood for something really chocolaty and sugary, some days I want to enjoy an intense vanilla, some days I'm feeling playful and will go for bubblegum or rainbow or something like that. Then I choose the one that I would like to try. Deciding if I would like to try it comes from imagining me eating it, and from my own curiosity about trying something. The one that has the biggest appeal to me is the one I go for.

Other decisions are similar, they often depend upon my mood (tired or energetic or brain not working yet) or my curiosity. Other people can't really know what is going on in my brain, so I don't rely upon them for advice. :p (except my boyfriend, but that's another story. :p)


My sister, who is an INFJ, tends to rely on other people's advice, demand it even, and then get mad at people because she didn't really want to do what they advised her to do. *frustrating* :p I think she needs to learn how to look into her own thoughts and own her own decisions... I think she needs to learn how to think about the problems from many angles and then come to a conclusion herself, and own it.
 

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Spotlight March 2016
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have never had any problems making decisions that affect only me, like what flavour of ice cream I want, or even my own career choice.

Decisions on when to leave a social event when I'm driving a bunch of people are a lot harder though, I want to make sure everyone gets what they want, and I don't really trust them to tell me explicitly what they want. With people I am close to though and who will tell me what they really want and I have a sense of their priorities, I have a lot less problems with making decisions, but usually I ask the others to confirm. :)

Sometimes though I don't have an opinion. Which is weird to some people, because they always have opinions about everything. Sometimes I'm just looking at a situation from an angle whereby the factors that they are looking at just don't matter.



How do you find out what you really think? Well, I'd say the ice cream store is a good example. I look at each flavour, imagine eating it, and imagine how much I would like to enjoy that. If it's something I've had recently it might be off the list. Some days I'm in the mood for something really chocolaty and sugary, some days I want to enjoy an intense vanilla, some days I'm feeling playful and will go for bubblegum or rainbow or something like that. Then I choose the one that I would like to try. Deciding if I would like to try it comes from imagining me eating it, and from my own curiosity about trying something. The one that has the biggest appeal to me is the one I go for.

Other decisions are similar, they often depend upon my mood (tired or energetic or brain not working yet) or my curiosity. Other people can't really know what is going on in my brain, so I don't rely upon them for advice. :p (except my boyfriend, but that's another story. :p)


My sister, who is an INFJ, tends to rely on other people's advice, demand it even, and then get mad at people because she didn't really want to do what they advised her to do. *frustrating* :p I think she needs to learn how to look into her own thoughts and own her own decisions... I think she needs to learn how to think about the problems from many angles and then come to a conclusion herself, and own it.
Hm, thank you for your insights.

Some decisions are not difficult for me either, sometimes I really know what I want. But, it's still difficult to be assertive.

I think the reasons I have difficulty with certain decisions when I need to make a choice, have to do with knowing who I am.

I have a bit of an identity issue-- Because it seems that who I am depends on who I am with, this merging that happens with others...

I may still have a stance, but it's as if another person's viewpoint can soften mine, or even change it altogether. To please others? To make sure people like me? Probably. This is how it appears on the outside.

I am so frickin' variable. And then I will go back and try to get my prior stance, but then it doesn't seem right anymore.

And then, when left alone, I'm confused and uncertain with myself. With who I am, with my characteristics, with what I really want. It seems that I live day by day, trying to ignore that, despite being focused on the future at the same time.

I know I want to be assertive, but it just seems like I can't.

Does any of this make sense?
 

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Hm, thank you for your insights.

Some decisions are not difficult for me either, sometimes I really know what I want. But, it's still difficult to be assertive.

I think the reasons I have difficulty with certain decisions when I need to make a choice, have to do with knowing who I am.

I have a bit of an identity issue-- Because it seems that who I am depends on who I am with, this merging that happens with others...

I may still have a stance, but it's as if another person's viewpoint can soften mine, or even change it altogether. To please others? To make sure people like me? Probably. This is how it appears on the outside.

I am so frickin' variable. And then I will go back and try to get my prior stance, but then it doesn't seem right anymore.

And then, when left alone, I'm confused and uncertain with myself. With who I am, with my characteristics, with what I really want. It seems that I live day by day, trying to ignore that, despite being focused on the future at the same time.

I know I want to be assertive, but it just seems like I can't.

Does any of this make sense?

Yes, it does all make sense. And I do experience the merging stuff and sometimes lose my own opinions due to being around other people.

I'm not sure if my solution will work for you though, as I'm not sure how the introvert/extrovert differences come in to play. But I find that I need to isolate myself from other people and just have some alone time to think things through. Once I get stabilized and back to being myself, then I can be confident in what I've concluded from my alone time and usually that can carry over for a while, until I need some alone time again. :p

I'm working on being more aware of myself though, so that I don't need to withdraw to figure out my own opinions. For me it comes with being aware of my own feelings, especially being aware of when I'm feeling frustrated, because frustration is tied with me not communicating my own opinions well, or feeling like I am setting aside my own opinions in favour of other people's.
 

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Spotlight March 2016
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yes, it does all make sense. And I do experience the merging stuff and sometimes lose my own opinions due to being around other people.

I'm not sure if my solution will work for you though, as I'm not sure how the introvert/extrovert differences come in to play. But I find that I need to isolate myself from other people and just have some alone time to think things through. Once I get stabilized and back to being myself, then I can be confident in what I've concluded from my alone time and usually that can carry over for a while, until I need some alone time again. :p

I'm working on being more aware of myself though, so that I don't need to withdraw to figure out my own opinions. For me it comes with being aware of my own feelings, especially being aware of when I'm feeling frustrated, because frustration is tied with me not communicating my own opinions well, or feeling like I am setting aside my own opinions in favour of other people's.
I think the extroverted/introverted dichotomy may be significant in this case, so I'm glad you brought that up.

Although I value being alone occasionally...

When in solitude and contemplation, I find the urge to converse about my thoughts with others, because it's easier for me to think and process thoughts when I'm bouncing ideas back and forth.

Kinda counter-productive in certain ways, even though it's also helpful in others.
 

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I think the extroverted/introverted dichotomy may be significant in this case, so I'm glad you brought that up.

Although I value being alone occasionally...

When in solitude and contemplation, I find the urge to converse about my thoughts with others, because it's easier for me to think and process thoughts when I'm bouncing ideas back and forth.

Kinda counter-productive in certain ways, even though it's also helpful in others.
:)

One thing you could try to do is find another 9, or even anyone who will truly listen to you and be non-judgemental, and work on extrovertedly searching for what you really think. (I say another 9 because then you could help each other. :p )
 

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What used to block most of my moves was: "what would person X think about me if I did this?". Luckily I have abandoned this kind of brainchat.

Decisions are horrible to make (for me, the most "dangerous" are about my job, all the others are easy for the most. That's because I'm sp/so, maybe). The only thing I can hope to do is to have enough energy to let me be able to make these decisions that would change my life. Change destroys myself from the inside and it takes tons of energies to face a change.
 

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Spotlight March 2016
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
What used to block most of my moves was: "what would person X think about me if I did this?". Luckily I have abandoned this kind of brainchat.

Decisions are horrible to make (for me, the most "dangerous" are about my job, all the others are easy for the most. That's because I'm sp/so, maybe). The only thing I can hope to do is to have enough energy to let me be able to make these decisions that would change my life. Change destroys myself from the inside and it takes tons of energies to face a change.
Wow, that sounds powerful.

I don't have issues with change. In fact, I love change. I always thrive when something changes-- Particularly in my environment.

But, handling the 'big' most significant decisions are the most challenging for me.

It's like I have no 'inner compass' that most people seem to have when making decisions. It's like it's fuzzy, I always need outside perspective to fuel and clarify it, but that also alters what I might think if I were thinking of that independently. If that makes sense. I have a difficult time knowing my 'true' self.

It's not always like that, but ... Yeah. I resist it, but I bend to it. It's a kind of struggle.
 

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Decisions, decisions!

*Dies*

When I was seven (according to my mum, five, but I'll go with seven), I told everyone "When I grow up, I wanna do this!" And until a few years ago, I was always so proud of myself because I never changed my aspiration. But now, although it hasn't changed YET, if you told me I could study psychology and be good at it, I'm not sure if I'd stick to my dream or go and chase psychology down because it's become my Plan B.
In the end though, I'd probably choose my original aspiration because when I have passion for something, I think I'm willing to take the risk. So while having to make a decision like this might bug me for a while, I'll eventually go along with what I've always wanted. Passion makes it easy.

Other things though - Ironically, the smaller, less significant things - are harder to decide on xD When I'm all hyped up over wanting to achieve my dreams, everything comes easy - even facing the judgement that other people might make. When I'm NOT hyped up over something...Then I start caring way too much about what other people think. For example, when my friend suggested we start learning ballet, even though we were 15 then. I love watching ballet, but I wasn't so sure if I should join - I was too caught up worrying about how we'll be the oldest kids in class, and how embarrassing it'll be. I was way more insecure than I am now too, so I also worried about how people might think I'm a wannabe, and then laugh at my lack of flexibility.

In cases like this, I'm actually so glad I can be quite impulsive. I eventually joined ballet because I had this sudden urge to just try, then I fell in love with it. (But my impulsiveness eventually led to me quitting classes too, ack. It's a love hate relationship!) I guess that's how I make my decisions - Going along with the strong feelings that come randomly usually leads to the right choice - Because of it I now love playing the guitar, which would never have happened (especially since I told some people I was NEVER going to learn the guitar xD) I think my impulsiveness only helps in making decisions that might give me new experiences though, not so much decisions that I'm FORCED to make.

So in short, I've wasted your time and I honestly don't know how I make most decisions, they just come naturally after a lot of hemming and hawing - I just go according to what feels right to me! When I start thinking too much about what others might say or think about my decision, I just remind myself that in the end, that decision would affect my happiness, and it wouldn't be smart to compromise happiness for the sake of not getting criticized. Sometimes a decision can either lead you to a path of improvement or regression, so for those times we might have to be a little selfish for once.
 
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