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So, a while back I made a topic wondering if a friend of mine really was INFJ. After that I've gotten him to do the test and it's now official; he really is one. However, although my suspicions have been proven true, he still continues to confuse me to no end. That's why I'm here again, asking for help - maybe you guys can read him better than I can. I'll refer to him as J from now on. Sorry, but this will be long; I'll try to add some kind of tl;dr synopsis at the end.

The reason I'm concerned is because J's behavior has been... well, off lately. It first started a few months ago, when he suddenly stopped talking to me and started ignoring me for no apparent reason (one I could think of, at least). For a while I was completely sure he'd doorslammed me, but then just as abruptly as the whole thing had begun, he started talking to me again. He was warm and sweet and as kind as he usually is, like nothing had ever happened. He almost seemed to get closer to me, I think. The sudden change in his mood was still startling, though, and I figured he must've hit a bad spell and had needed some alone time from the world in general.

Well, wrong. We have some mutual friends - I'm not particularly close to them, they're more like buddies, and we don't speak that often. That's why I was surprised when I happened to run into one of these friends, and after a moment of chatting, J came up. I casually mentioned he had seem a bit aloof some time ago and wondered if something bigger had happened (J can be moody sometimes, but usually not to this extent). Our friend looked completely surprised, saying he had noticed no such thing. This confused me, but I didn't think much of it back then. Should've, apparently.

Although J was back to his usual self, sometimes things would get awkward. It was like he was pushing me away and pulling me in at the same time. Sometimes he would be his usual, great self, sometimes he would completely run out of things to say and become horrifyingly hard to communicate with. We live in different cities, about 20 miles from each other, so we mostly converse through the Internet and sometimes over the phone. My city is bigger, his is more like a village, so he comes here often - he's also taking a course at my school, so we usually see each other face to face at least a few times a week. Occasionally we have lunch. The contrast between him online and him in real life is noticeable - he's much better at written communication, so his "awkward spells" aren't nearly as visible over the Internet, they mostly come across as short answers and a bit colder approach. When talking to him IRL these things become much more obvious. Once, after a night of talking and enjoying each other's company online, the next day he came to my school cafeteria - and sat into a different table, ignoring me completely. What.

Soon after the cafeteria episode, about two or three weeks ago, he stopped talking to me again. I tried telling myself he needed some space, but then I ran into him with his friends multiple times. I even talked with a few of them, and nothing seemed to be off. He was acting completely like himself around everyone else except me. I confronted him about it, but never got a straight answer, which itself is really weird because he's one of the most honest, straightforward people I know.

Things returned back to normal pretty quickly after this, with him talking to me like he always does. That was around a week ago.

His behavior has been weirding me out, but it reached its peak today while we were talking on the phone. The day before yesterday I'd invited him to movies with me, and he brought it up, asking if anyone else was tagging along. I told him that I hadn't really planned anything that much, but I could ask this friend of ours to join us. He just said 'sure', but something in his voice went off, and suddenly it was like he hit that awkward phase all over again. Soon after that he ended the call. Again: what. I'm bad at reading people and seeing hidden meanings, but even I could pick up I had said something wrong. I just don't know what. Is there something wrong with the person I suggested? Did he want to go with just the two of us? He didn't say anything like that. Is he mad at me for something? I know my spontaneity and last minute attitude have put him off before - actually he's the one who's made me work harder to always keep promised dates and deadlines, since he's much more stable with those things. Not that he's a stuck-up, I just have the tendency to, uh, change plans.

I don't understand. Usually we get along really well; we have amazing conversations, and I have the feeling we get each other, there's this connection. Was, anyway, since right now I have no idea what's going on in his head. We've known each other for two years, and this has never happened before. I have a feeling I'm doing something terribly wrong, but I have no clue what that something could be. Is this common for INFJs or is it just him? Please help me out!

tl;dr - An INFJ friend has been acting weirdly for the past few months. He keeps getting hot and then cold again; first he's all friendly, kind and buddy-buddy and then he's ignoring me and being horribly awkward. This is limited to me only, as he acts normally around all his other friends. I first took his behavior as a doorslam, but he keeps coming back to me, and that's not supposed to happen, is it? We've known for two years, and he's never done this before. Being horrible with finding out people's intentions, I need a fellow INFJ to decode him.
 

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My instinct is to say that he's romantically attracted to you, and you're completely oblivious, or at least giving the impression that you're completely oblivious. He wants there to be something more and has no idea what you want, which is making it difficult for him to decide how to behave around you.
 

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yes, I agree with the analysis of geekofalltrades . He is not sure of his feeling himself , maybe , and how to manage it in someway.

there is some kind of attract (natural instinct ) and repulse ( rational control mode ) .
 

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Hahahahaha, sorry but it's so funny seeing this from the other side. I just realised some of my friends might feel this way about how I act and it's like, "woah, I probably look like a total cunt sometimes" :p Okay, now the helpful part: As above, I might like you, not because of the hot and cold thing (I, for one, do that with alot of people), but I get that vibe with the whole movie thing and him probably thinking that it might-have-kind-of-maybe been a date :p

Anyway, what you see as "hot and cold", that's pretty INFJ. We don't really know how to keep the fluidity in a friendship and we constantly wonder if we're hang-out-all-time-friends, kinda-friends, best-friends, only-when-we-see-each-other-friends and when and how that's changed and it's EXHAUSTING. We're constantly second guessing whether or not the other person wants to talk to us today, are they busy, etc that it just becomes tiring and our motivation to initiate fizzles. We overthink, and him potentially liking you makes that alot worse.

It's not surprising he's better at talking over the internet, pretty common with INFJs, so we much prefer txts over phone calls.

If he's "ignoring" you, he's probably not actually ignoring you. Chances are you did nothing wrong and he probably wants to talk to you, he might just feel awkward about initiating. Our overthinking is at it's peak in the moments before we talk to you/initiate. When he's actually talking to you and you get into a good conversation, then he can be himself.
 

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I agree with what everyone is saying that this could be total normal infj liking someone crazy.

The only thing that struck me is what you were talking about with the other group of friends and him not ignoring them, but still ignoring you. The wording and the way you put it sounded like something I could have written myself. My two infp friends have both done this to me. They are really different people depending on who they are socializing with. Sometimes I'm just not cool in person, but I'm cool on the internet. It's very odd. Especially with structured events. I get ignored by them in strange spurts, but I've learned not to take it personally.

Not saying he is an infp, just something that struck me. If he is an infp and not a freaking out infj, just wait it out and continue to be your awesome self. It'll normalize out.
 

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Holy crap, this has been how I'm acting towards a lady ISFP I currently like o_o
She has an INFP friend that she hangs out with every weekend and I also have a male ISFP friend and we all used to hang out as a group of four until the male ISFP and lady INFP dated, which caused issues with the INFP's mom...

Anyways, I accidentally started an arguement with the INFP and now the INFP kind of dropped contact with my male ISFP friend and I, but I've been talking (or trying to) with the lady ISFP during the 15 minutes we have together in our school mornings. Besides texts that's it, and she usually doesn't respond to me via text so I can only really talk to her. The issue with that is I don't know what she wants to hear or not, or if she even wants me to be around her, so sometimes I sit there quiet and other times I talk about random crap that I'm doing/have recently done. I also have difficulty trying to find something to talk about since I personally don't do too much besides walk, think, play games, do school work, do reiki, etc. Before I got attuned for reiki I also used to be filled with self hatred, so I would beat myself up about not having much to talk about and try to hide my negativity from her because I didn't want her to worry or be frightened. This also once caused me to stop communicating with her and she thought I was mad at her when I was really just mad at myself (which is what I told her). I've been talking to her more lately though, although in person not in text. Perhaps the same thing is happening here?
 
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Oh, also, the title of the thread, in my mind, makes your specific INFJ sound like a machine outputting a random code XD
 
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I'm with Geek on this one.

Does he want your body? Because that's my educated guess. :crazy:

I know when I have a crush I don't know if I should run away or give them a hug, smile, act normal, or what.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Wow. Okay. This turned out quite differently than I originally thought.

Seriously? He likes me or is attracted to me or whatever it should be called? This is how INFJs express that? Why? My head is hurting! Might be because I just banged it against the desk, though. The trouble with initiation thing @%1; mentioned sounds familiar since I have the same problem sometimes, but otherwise this completely blew me off. Seriously?

@walloftext, I doubt he's INFP, but thanks anyway :) Right now that sounds like a wonderfully comforting and much simpler answer. Not that this is some horrible, life ruining thing, it's just that I'm not very good with handling drama and emotional tangles and, well, relationships in general.

So, a follow-up question: what should I do now? It's relieving that he's apparently not mad at me, but now I'm clueless again. Should I say or do something or what? Just act normally? My ISFP brain is confused! What would you guys like a person to do in this situation, are there some big no-nos and/or things that should be avoided? How does one even act in this scenario? He's so complex and sensitive somehow, it feels like handling a ticking time bomb.

Oh, also, the title of the thread, in my mind, makes your specific INFJ sound like a machine outputting a random code XD
Waahh, but he is! D: And I'm bad with technology, my Internet provider can be the witness!

Anyhow, thank you for all your answers, this has been helpful. Really weird, but helpful. His actions make much more sense now that you've broken them down.
 

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@Tove Not to be the bearer of bad news, but this isn't only an indication of attraction.

It's also possible that he is at his "social maximum".

INFJs can only have so many close friends, because each friend requires an investment of emotional energy. If he is at his "social maximum", it's possible that he might have moments where he is feeling energetic enough to "invest in someone else", while also having moments where he needs to pull back away in order to keep from expending too much energy.

That is the other possibility. . . even though it is a little less. . . flattering, I figure you'd want to know it was a possibility as well.
 

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@Btmangan
No, actually that's more 'flattering' than the whole attraction thing, mostly because right now I only see him as a friend and relationships are hard and blah blah you know the drill. Not that I'm happy about this option either, it just seems much less hurtful to him than him having a crush on me.

So if this is the case, should I just back off and give him space? My biggest fear right now is that if I withdraw from him while trying to give him the space he needs/might need, we'll drift completely apart sooner or later, with him being his on-off self and me not initiating things because of the feeling of prodding too much. Is there anything I could do to prevent that, or is it inevitable?
 

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Ok my guess.............(and yeah, I think it's a pretty good one)

He indeed has a crush on you (not like loving you or anything) so suddenly he has a big conflict to deal with: he wants to be with you, but at the same time he KNOWS that you are not interested in him
So he has a big problem: if he spends time talking or hanging out with you he starts feeling sad because you always remind him that you don't like him in a romantic way (that when he becomes cool) , but at the same time if he does not spend time with you he starts feeling even worse (that's when he starts talking with you again)

So conclusion: I have been in a situation like this once and IT SUCKS; got out of it by severing any kind of connection with the girl for a pretty long time

What you could do: well at the moment I have no idea but I will tell you if I think of something

PS:I really feel bad for him.............
 

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I think it's entirely possible that he's acting this way because he has a crush on you or has entertained romantic thoughts about you. That would definitely explain it, but as always: only he knows.

Maybe you should confront him about this in the written form; you might get something out of him that way. Distancing him from yourself may not be a good idea; he might never come back. If he's not the initiator, you should take the charge of keeping the contact alive.

There is always the off chance that he's going through some tough shit. Dieu seul le sait.
 

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@Tove

You don't lose really an infj , it s infj decide to exil you (but it only come after a lot of turmoil and internal conflict , usualy it s an "act of god" , mean the last thing he would do after try everything else and failed miserably and suffering more and more ). If infj reach this level, then it mean this persoon really deserve it . It s the sword of poetic justice , with the power of revenge ... But usually not because there is always a room to talk peacfully and to try to understand each other
 

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@Btmangan
No, actually that's more 'flattering' than the whole attraction thing, mostly because right now I only see him as a friend and relationships are hard and blah blah you know the drill. Not that I'm happy about this option either, it just seems much less hurtful to him than him having a crush on me.

So if this is the case, should I just back off and give him space? My biggest fear right now is that if I withdraw from him while trying to give him the space he needs/might need, we'll drift completely apart sooner or later, with him being his on-off self and me not initiating things because of the feeling of prodding too much. Is there anything I could do to prevent that, or is it inevitable?
If this is a non-crush scenario, if you just keep things light, fun, and positive.
 
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