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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I started seeing this ISTP about 2 months ago. We live in different cities so we've only hung out a few times, but have been texting/talking almost everyday. I recently started getting mixed signals from him (e.g. being hot/cold, texting me less frequently, etc.) so to get a better understanding on where we stood, I asked him "what do you see me as? what are you looking for?". His response:

"I'm not looking for something specific and just try to let things happen as they happen. I think I'm aloof bc I didn't expect to like you as much as I do"

... what does this mean? Does he want a serious relationship or something more casual?

Any help decoding the conversation above or advice/insight into new relationships with an ISTP would be much appreciated - Thanks!!
 

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I'm confused because he said that he doesn't want to get too attached and isn't necessarily looking for a relationship, but then also said ...
This is because you are operating with a wrong definition of what an opinion (or an intention) is. Strictly speaking, they are valid only exactly at the moment they are stated. Not before and not after. So, leaving aside that the first part is very obvious (a general intention vs. a particular intention in your specific case), he puts out there that he doesn't want to get too attached (true) and then has another thought of the opposite direction (also true).

Which is more relevant is something he'll have to spend some time thinking on and will be eventually reflected in his actions.

(And I'm not even going to parse what the wife thing means. Culture gap, age gap, the result would be gibberish. If no one here can help you out, ask him.)

Also, obligatory link.
 

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You definitely got his attention or he wouldn’t have had such frequent contact with you. You are trying to figure this out and he is likely doing the same thing.

ISTPs can be pretty free spirited. You might consider keeping the door invitingly open but not crowding him. Stay in touch but don’t apply too much pressure. Be your natural self when you are together.

Let this play out. Don’t put too many eggs in your basket to start with. Add more with time if things come together.

If he is talking wife he sounds pretty taken with you so I wouldn’t close your door too early. A little patience will be helpful.

Good luck.
 

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livenlove said:
ISTP: True. I would wife you up in a heartbeat though

Me: Your actions aren't matching your words

ISTP : You'll see
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you based on this exchange. He sounds cute himself. He's going to need to decide if he's ready for a potentially long-term commitment. Sounds like you've got him thinking! :)

I hope my ISTP brother finds someone like you.
 

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Any help decoding the conversation above or advice/insight into new relationships with an ISTP would be much appreciated - Thanks!!
You do what you want. If you want a decision now and he can't decide then dump him. Keep it simple!

I asked him "what do you see me as? what are you looking for?"
Without stating what you see him as his answers are useless and mean nothing.
You have to answer those questions yourself, "could you husband him up?". He's unsure of you!
 

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Discussion Starter #7
This is because you are operating with a wrong definition of what an opinion (or an intention) is. Strictly speaking, they are valid only exactly at the moment they are stated. Not before and not after. So, leaving aside that the first part is very obvious (a general intention vs. a particular intention in your specific case), he puts out there that he doesn't want to get too attached (true) and then has another thought of the opposite direction (also true).
I appreciate the response! How could I have phrased the questions to better understand his intentions? Perhaps I will just have to wait it out and let his actions speak for themselves...

Thanks for the link! It's so informative!!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
ISTPs can be pretty free spirited. You might consider keeping the door invitingly open but not crowding him. Stay in touch but don’t apply too much pressure. Be your natural self when you are together.
Thank you for this...As an ISFP, I can also be free-spirited and hate feeling trapped, so I understand not crowding him. There just seems to be such a fine line between staying in touch but not applying too much pressure. My fear is that over time, we will gradually drift apart into oblivion due to the lack of communication, especially since this is long-distance from the get-go.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "Don’t put too many eggs in your basket to start with. Add more with time if things come together?" As far as letting things play out, I don't have an issue with taking things at a glacial pace and going with the flow, but what makes me feel uneasy is not knowing what our status is. I typically don't have enough energy to be romantically involved with more than one person at a time, so how long would it take before he lets me know what the status of our relationship is? Is this something he would bring up himself?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you based on this exchange. He sounds cute himself. He's going to need to decide if he's ready for a potentially long-term commitment. Sounds like you've got him thinking! :)

I hope my ISTP brother finds someone like you.
Awh, you're so sweet!! Thank you for your kind words :heart:

I hope he doesn't take too long to decide...my heart feels like it's being tortured LOL. Just not used to having my patience be tested to this degree, but hopefully all of this will be worth it in the end!

I'm sure your brother will! ISTPs seem awesome and whoever he finds will be lucky :)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Without stating what you see him as his answers are useless and mean nothing.
You have to answer those questions yourself, "could you husband him up?". He's unsure of you!
Funny that you said that, because he initially responded to my questions by asking them back to me LOL. My first thought was "Are you serious right now? How old are we?", but I ended up answering them first before he gave me the responses posted above.
 

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Thank you for this...As an ISFP, I can also be free-spirited and hate feeling trapped, so I understand not crowding him. There just seems to be such a fine line between staying in touch but not applying too much pressure. My fear is that over time, we will gradually drift apart into oblivion due to the lack of communication, especially since this is long-distance from the get-go.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "Don’t put too many eggs in your basket to start with. Add more with time if things come together?" As far as letting things play out, I don't have an issue with taking things at a glacial pace and going with the flow, but what makes me feel uneasy is not knowing what our status is. I typically don't have enough energy to be romantically involved with more than one person at a time, so how long would it take before he lets me know what the status of our relationship is? Is this something he would bring up himself?
Don’t put your heart into this quest too early. If it doesn’t go anywhere you can minimize the damage by not being fully invested. If things grow and ripen put more of yourself into it.

He may be in a quandary. He calls & texts so he’s interested. The “wife you up” comment has my attention. I think he has been smitten and is attracted to you. The quandary comes from being attracted to you and realizing he could be giving up a measure of his freedom.

His ISTP type makes this interesting. Being an ISTP myself, I know what we can be like. We tend to be freedom loving and spontaneous. Being tied down really runs against the grain. We often wonder what is around the next bend in the road or farther down the railroad tracks. We wonder what the next adventure or challenge will be, or who the next female in our lives will be.

Women tend to want to pair up, to enter into a relationship. Guys tend to be more inclined to work the herd and not commit to one woman, despite saying otherwise. That all changes when they meet “The One.” At that point ISTPs can love deeply and with long term commitment.

I’m not about to tell you how to behave around him. Women are well endowed tactically when it comes to maneuvering men. I’ll just say, using typical male language for clarity, that we tend not to put up with a bitch, no matter how appealing she is. Far better is the ability to be someone he enjoys and wants to be around. Being compatible and comfortable with each other would be great. If his life feels empty when you are not around and misses you, that would be perfect.

I think staying in touch is the right thing to do. Also, letting him know you are really into him, or attracted to him, however you prefer to word it, would be good. Being upfront is appreciated and will give him confidence. He may be having as many doubts as you are. When you spend time together you two should feel mutual attraction, and that should be evident.

How long will it take? Forget glacial. You should be able to gauge the attraction. If there is mutual magic it will happen sooner rather than later.

Direct questioning, such as “What is your intent?” may put him off because he likely does not know the answer. If you are “The One” this is new ground for him and his head will be swimming. The heart begins to take over very quickly and this may be a new experience for him.

You might hit him with a comment about “wifing you up.” That’s pretty intriguing stuff. Maybe something about you having not hearing that before. It might be a conversation starter that leads in the right direction. Getting him talking might be helpful.

You must be something, all right. You’ve got me doing Ann Landers work at 2:00 AM.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
 

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He is interested in you and wants you to be his significant other. The reason why he is being dodgy is because he is waiting for you to state that you are interested in him first. If you insist that the ISTP be the one to confirm first, you will both suffer both mentally and emotionally and be stuck in this sea of uncertainty. So if you want to overcome this roadblock and make your dynamic with him go further, you must tell him you want to be his significant other (girlfriend). He's basically saying 'you first, then I'll confirm.'

Take this to a bank and cash it.
 

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I appreciate the response! How could I have phrased the questions to better understand his intentions? Perhaps I will just have to wait it out and let his actions speak for themselves...
You couldn't have, because the answer is as clear as it can be. Meaning, he likely told you everything he knew, he can't answer questions he hasn't got an answer for yet himself.

As for deciding, it could be a while. It's not going to be solved in a day or two. Don't nag, but if he takes overly long, remind him. The angle to take here is to remind him that this affects you as well (we tend to forget that others might be affected by something we're doing), he's not going to want to be the cause of trouble for you.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
He is interested in you and wants you to be his significant other. The reason why he is being dodgy is because he is waiting for you to state that you are interested in him first. If you insist that the ISTP be the one to confirm first, you will both suffer both mentally and emotionally and be stuck in this sea of uncertainty. So if you want to overcome this roadblock and make your dynamic with him go further, you must tell him you want to be his significant other (girlfriend). He's basically saying 'you first, then I'll confirm.'
Interesting...Although, isn't it automatically a turn-off for guys in general if the girl is the one who initiates the "what are we" conversation? I always thought that guys want to feel challenged and not like they are forced into a relationship. I suppose it would depend on how I raise the conversation regarding exclusivity but I've already made it clear to him that I like him a lot and am interested in potentially a LTR. Appreciate your input!
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Don’t put your heart into this quest too early. If it doesn’t go anywhere you can minimize the damage by not being fully invested. If things grow and ripen put more of yourself into it.
This is really good advice...It's not easy for someone who wears their heart on their sleeves but I definitely needed this reminder. Thank you!!

How long will it take? Forget glacial. You should be able to gauge the attraction. If there is mutual magic it will happen sooner rather than later.
There is definitely mutual magic whenever we are together in person. It's only when we are apart that I start questioning his interest and become afraid that he'll get bored of me or forget about me. Maybe I'm just overthinking everything or maybe he's also uncertain because of the long-distance. How do ISTPs handle LDRs?

You might hit him with a comment about “wifing you up.” That’s pretty intriguing stuff. Maybe something about you having not hearing that before. It might be a conversation starter that leads in the right direction. Getting him talking might be helpful.
Ah I love that suggestion! Next time he says something like that, I'll definitely inquire about it more, or if I can loop it into a conversation at an appropriate time...

You must be something, all right. You’ve got me doing Ann Landers work at 2:00 AM.
LOL this has been so helpful! I appreciate it SO much!! :smile-new:
 

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How do ISTPs handle LDRs?
The answer is in what constitutes a "relationship". I'd assume it's a lot about physical presence and experience for us, the way it is for me. So without that component, you are rapidly approaching the point where the difference between 'no relationship' and 'that kind of relationship' vanishes. It ceases to make sense -- if you are "together" with someone because you enjoy their presence, then what is the point in considering it "together" if you factually aren't enjoying their presence?

On the other hand, I think we'd be good at picking up where we left of. So if one side went away for a year or whatever, I'd probably consider it something like hitting the pause button. Relationship off while away, and back on at return.
 

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Interesting...Although, isn't it automatically a turn-off for guys in general if the girl is the one who initiates the "what are we" conversation?
No. How has that assumption worked out for the guys you've dealt with so far? This ISTP in particular.

I always thought that guys want to feel challenged and not like they are forced into a relationship.
No, you thought wrong. Put away that Cosmo magazine.

I suppose it would depend on how I raise the conversation regarding exclusivity but I've already made it clear to him that I like him a lot and am interested in potentially a LTR.
Huh? Do not use the term "LTR" (long term relationship). Nobody can ever confirm that a relationship is 'long-term' at the beginning of the relationship. You can only call a relationship 'long-term' only after you have been with each other 'long-term.' You can officially be in a relationship today, but break up tomorrow. The relationship you're asking for seems contractual with a predetermined length of time.

Do not use the word "interested" or "potentially" either. They are not 100% concrete. Tell him you want to be in a relationship with him.
 

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Interesting...Although, isn't it automatically a turn-off for guys in general if the girl is the one who initiates the "what are we" conversation? I always thought that guys want to feel challenged and not like they are forced into a relationship. I suppose it would depend on how I raise the conversation regarding exclusivity but I've already made it clear to him that I like him a lot and am interested in potentially a LTR. Appreciate your input!
Boy, am I glad this came up.

So you’ve been living with yourself all your life. To you, you are just you, and you have always have been you. No mystery here, right?

But to guys women are an enigma that really can’t be figured out. And that creates doubt about what to say or do. He may be concerned about messing up this budding arrangement that looks so promising.

And guys may be fearful of rejection, which means they may go slowly as they find their way. And no one wants to suffer the ego destroying and humiliating pain of rejection.

Liove is dead on right. Being up front with him eases the way. There is no chance of rejection and less to figure out. Just don’t try to go from 25 miles an hour to 140 all at once. Going from a handshake to an openly declared relationship will take more than a movie and sharing a coke... well, usually.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
The answer is in what constitutes a "relationship". I'd assume it's a lot about physical presence and experience for us, the way it is for me. So without that component, you are rapidly approaching the point where the difference between 'no relationship' and 'that kind of relationship' vanishes. It ceases to make sense -- if you are "together" with someone because you enjoy their presence, then what is the point in considering it "together" if you factually aren't enjoying their presence?

On the other hand, I think we'd be good at picking up where we left of. So if one side went away for a year or whatever, I'd probably consider it something like hitting the pause button. Relationship off while away, and back on at return.
That's a good point...something I'd have to think about. I have thought about just suggesting that we be friends for the time being. The pandemic is making it really difficult for us to see each other physically so what would even be the point of a relationship?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
No. How has that assumption worked out for the guys you've dealt with so far? This ISTP in particular.
I've always been aggressively chased by extroverts in the past hence that assumption. This is my first time encountering an ISTP so this is a completely different ballgame for me:frustrating:

Huh? Do not use the term "LTR" (long term relationship). Nobody can ever confirm that a relationship is 'long-term' at the beginning of the relationship. You can only call a relationship 'long-term' only after you have been with each other 'long-term.' You can officially be in a relationship today, but break up tomorrow. The relationship you're asking for seems contractual with a predetermined length of time.

Do not use the word "interested" or "potentially" either. They are not 100% concrete. Tell him you want to be in a relationship with him.
LMAOO you're right - I didn't think of it like that but it does sounds like a contractual agreement...yikes! I'd be scared off too. It doesn't come naturally to me...maybe it's that F/T difference but I'll be sure to use concrete language.
 
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