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Since the summer, I've working with/alongside someone whom I actively like - 'as a person'. On the sexual/romantic front though . . . no interest at all. We've been getting along great but by the end of last week, I started to pick up the definite message that he's in the prodrome phase of a crush.

I always turn instantly hostile, clam up and start giving out fuck-off vibes when I catch that feeling. I've had this happen often enough that I'm really starting to dislike the dynamic itself, in myself. I'm not going to alter my stance with this guy, i.e. there really is no chance of any relationship and I have no intention of going there just to prove that I'm right. But I want to try and catch my own default reflex in the act, this time. And try to do something more graceful and grownup for once.

This isn't necessarily about what I should do/say to achieve the ultimate goal - making him drop the idea. I just want to try figure out a couple of things about my own reactions/behaviour. So if you've ever noticed the same thing yourself, and/or been in a similar boat, I'd like to hear from you. Let's have a symposium!

What I've figured out by this point:

- the revulsion has something to do with sudden awareness that there's an inward, emotional aspect to him. Well, of course there is - he's a human being.

- I'm not saying he can't have an emotional life. I know he has one, I just don't want it anywhere within sixteen parsecs of me. Fair/unfair? Reasonable? After all, reason leads me to conclude that he has genitals too, and I don't want to know thing one about them.

- I am reacting as if he'd suddenly brought out his stuff and displayed it to me. This isn't fair in the least because he hasn't done anything of the kind. He's just showing signs of a perfectly normal and human reaction; probably autonomous too.

- I'd actually be far less troubled if something made me suddenly aware that he has random autonomous physical reactions to me. Don't know why that is. Because I feel far more confident that the social rules around sexual reflex are understood and kept to by everyone, but I don't feel like I know what he might do with his random feelings? And/or feel I should do?

Huh. Pondering . . .
 

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Isn't a crush a temporary romantic interest? You said you have no romantic interest, but your reactions match those of someone interested romantically.

You feel negative emotions around him, but are they directly caused by something he does or do your reactions cause negative emotions?

If you look at aspects of his behaviour one by one, objectively, and without considering the person behind the behaviour, do they still cause negative emotions?

---

My crushes aren't nearly as complex. They occur when someone meets most of the requirements for being in a romantic relationship with me, but not all of them. They can be the direct cause of feelings and more thoughts become focused on them than is normal. Eventually I reason it out and tell myself how a long-term relationship would ultimately fail.
 

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Hm.

I think, for myself, despite being socially inept in general, friendships I can handle most of the time and know the 'expectations' of.

But when someone develops feelings for me, all the sudden that throws a whole other level of randomness into the equation. I feel like they may randomly cause an emotionally awkward scene. It's just a huge unknown factor.

On thinking about it though, with people who don't usually talk to me, who I haven't developed a friendship with, then I feel much more uncomfortable, like they might randomly approach me, and I don't know much about them anyhow so I have no basis in knowing what they are like or what they will say. However, I have had one friend crush on me, I think. I was careful, at least, in how I acted around him, but I happen to like him a lot 'as a person' as he is an interesting and intelligent ISTP ( For various reasons a relationship was out of the question) so we're still good friends. We had one weird texting incident where he thought I was asking him out, but when I said I wasn't I guess that made things clearer for him and it's all been normal and friendly since then.

The other factor is people's personalities. It seemed like the ISTP friend had his head screwed on right, so nothing 'bad' or challenging happened. Other people's personalities just seem so much more prone to doing stupid stuff, like my fencing instructor... Rule number one of trying to get a girl: Don't stab them with a sword.
 

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I was involved in a similar situation with an INTJ female, except both of us had the reactions you describe. When she would show more of an inward side to me, my emotions would freeze and I would exude a very cold demeanor. She would have the same reaction when I would deeper into emotions also. I do not know if one was simply reacting to the other, or we both truly felt the same way. It became an intense circular avoidance of emotion, which is why it ended fairly quickly. The INTJ-INTJ relationship, at least from my one experience, was much too mentally intense, while devoid of any mutual emotional or feeling perspective.
 

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Hm.

I think, for myself, despite being socially inept in general, friendships I can handle most of the time and know the 'expectations' of.

But when someone develops feelings for me, all the sudden that throws a whole other level of randomness into the equation. I feel like they may randomly cause an emotionally awkward scene. It's just a huge unknown factor.

On thinking about it though, with people who don't usually talk to me, who I haven't developed a friendship with, then I feel much more uncomfortable, like they might randomly approach me, and I don't know much about them anyhow so I have no basis in knowing what they are like or what they will say.
I was going to reflect on my general discomfort of this type of situation, because though it doesn't make me hostile it does make me very uncomfortable. But I can see that my perspective has been written above, perfectly.
 

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I always find it a little disappointing. It's happened to me in the past where I think I have this great working relationship with someone and omg finally someone that I can work with and that's on the same page and then it turns out that all they were trying to do was work up the nerve to ask you out for a date. Awkward and completely ruins it.

When I am actually aware of the situation developing I will try to make it very clear that I'm not interested without having to actually say those words. Nowadays that's easy: I drop boyfriend's name several times in his presence and that's that. But when there was no boyfriend I'd be prone to just turn cold and sort of close the door on any sort of interaction that goes beyond the professional interaction that's required between us.
 

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Since the summer, I've working with/alongside someone whom I actively like - 'as a person'. On the sexual/romantic front though . . . no interest at all. We've been getting along great but by the end of last week, I started to pick up the definite message that he's in the prodrome phase of a crush.

I always turn instantly hostile, clam up and start giving out fuck-off vibes when I catch that feeling. I've had this happen often enough that I'm really starting to dislike the dynamic itself, in myself. I'm not going to alter my stance with this guy, i.e. there really is no chance of any relationship and I have no intention of going there just to prove that I'm right. But I want to try and catch my own default reflex in the act, this time. And try to do something more graceful and grownup for once.

This isn't necessarily about what I should do/say to achieve the ultimate goal - making him drop the idea. I just want to try figure out a couple of things about my own reactions/behaviour. So if you've ever noticed the same thing yourself, and/or been in a similar boat, I'd like to hear from you. Let's have a symposium!

What I've figured out by this point:

- the revulsion has something to do with sudden awareness that there's an inward, emotional aspect to him. Well, of course there is - he's a human being.

- I'm not saying he can't have an emotional life. I know he has one, I just don't want it anywhere within sixteen parsecs of me. Fair/unfair? Reasonable? After all, reason leads me to conclude that he has genitals too, and I don't want to know thing one about them.

- I am reacting as if he'd suddenly brought out his stuff and displayed it to me. This isn't fair in the least because he hasn't done anything of the kind. He's just showing signs of a perfectly normal and human reaction; probably autonomous too.

- I'd actually be far less troubled if something made me suddenly aware that he has random autonomous physical reactions to me. Don't know why that is. Because I feel far more confident that the social rules around sexual reflex are understood and kept to by everyone, but I don't feel like I know what he might do with his random feelings? And/or feel I should do?

Huh. Pondering . . .
[Concerned look]...are all INTJs this frightened of genitals? Perhaps I should take another type-test.
 

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Why not just go out with the guy? Are you married...or gay...or have a history of being sexually abused? I mean, in those cases, I can see why you'd automatically turn him down. It just doesn't sound to me like there's a single thing wrong with the poor bugger--he just has a crush and wants to give you lovey-dovey looks over dinner.
 

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Why not just go out with the guy? Are you married...or gay...or have a history of being sexually abused? I mean, in those cases, I can see why you'd automatically turn him down. It just doesn't sound to me like there's a single thing wrong with the poor bugger--he just has a crush and wants to give you lovey-dovey looks over dinner.
You might have missed the point of 'not interested' that was made in the OP. If you aren't interested to begin with, why in the world would you want to go and out with someone and lead them to believe that there is a possibility their crush is a mutual one.
 

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You might have missed the point of 'not interested' that was made in the OP. If you aren't interested to begin with, why in the world would you want to go and out with someone and lead them to believe that there is a possibility their crush is a mutual one.
Eh, fair enough. Disinterest is disinterest. I was just trying to suss out the reason for it...which seems kinda...I don't know...bizarre? It just didn't read to me like there was a problem with this guy. It seemed like Lily got a serious case of hives because he looked at her with faint longing one afternoon. The "...eww! Icky!..." reaction just struck me as immature to the point of being strange.

I don't know. To each their own. Forgive me and what I said if I offended. If I seriously misinterpreted the situation, or was too crass, I apologize.
 

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Not fully fleshed out thought here...but I wonder if it has to do with some discomfort with being disingenuous. I dunno. I had a good, good friend who I could tell developed a crush on me and I was able to maintain the friendship without doing a total shut-down but I did not like that underlying current where maybe I say or do something that encourages his attraction or leads him on. Or that some part of our friendship was a pretense and we weren't addressing it.

I felt much better once I had stated that I wasn't into him. It came up naturally when I was (unrelated to him) talking about the type of guy I'm attracted to and he said "well I have those qualities, what about me?" I just said I wasn't into him as though we were only friends, even though I had felt that current running through our friendship on his part. And he had to take it like we were just friends (he also had a girlfriend at the time). He did attempt to kiss me one drunken night after that (apologized a year or two later). But I guess at least at that point it had been laid out that I wasn't interested so anything else is all on him. I think I felt at that point that at least my part in our friendship from that point on was clear and honest about where I stand. If we never addressed it at all...i think eventually I would have shut the friendship down.

Even though we maintained a fairly stable friendship (those couple of awkward moments were over 3-4 years of time), I did tend to avoid certain topics or steer conversations away from deeper topics or topics related to inner feelings because that felt like going into intimacy/feeding crushes territory.

I dunno what my point was. I guess just that I wonder if the urge to shut it down is just because participating in something that isn't the way the other person is viewing it, isn't true or honest, is repulsive to me/us(?). We don't want to lead them on, we don't want to participate in some form of a falsehood?
 

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Hmm thinking more though..I dunno how you handle it with a work friend or someone you are not that close to, though - how you can kind of clear the air and maintain the friendship at the same time. Hmmf. Someone else said bringing up the boyfriend often. That's one way to make your own intentions clear. So, again, trying to be more genuine and honest about the friendship.

Still just thinking aloud without making much sense of it :)
 
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Discussion Starter #15
[Concerned look]...are all INTJs this frightened of genitals? Perhaps I should take another type-test.
only the ones i'm not interested in :D the ones i'm interested in are sometimes frightened of ME.
 
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Sometimes the emotional focus that comes along with a crush feels like a threat to me--because I can feel the pressure of the other person's expectations. Also true: I like to keep my private "world" very private, and other people are really only welcome there if I decide to let them in. And sometimes, in that situation, it feels like the person is trying to get "in" without being invited.

I don't know if that's part of your situation, but it definitely gets a flight response out of me most of the time.

And I really hate being pursued. Hate it. It makes me feel obligated, and off-kilter. At least some part of that is empathy--even when I don't like the person chasing me, I've certainly been rejected, and I am reluctant to treat them too harshly.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Isn't a crush a temporary romantic interest? You said you have no romantic interest, but your reactions match those of someone interested romantically.
um. not wanting to be rude here, but what kind of 'romance' have you been mixed up in for you to see it that way? i remember reading this quote 25 years ago, from some woman who claimed her marriage had been platonic for umpty-ump years and she was on the road proclaiming this to be possible. 'physiologically, love is a disease. it's indistinguishable from any other stress-related condition.'

well, i guess. it was a helpful kind of remark in my later life, actually. because love ISN'T stress, or it shouldn't be when everyone knows where they stand. it gets over-represented that way, and the reverse comes along in its train. stress plain and simple comes to be taken as a sign of love, but to me it isn't. it's just anxiety. i'm not into that kind of thing and i'm not into this guy. i like him for true; i'm really glad that he's there at this job - as a colleague, he's the only qa person i actually like working with. but i don't want to know a thing more about him or get to know him any better than i currently do. and i don't want him to push any of it further than that. i don't want him shaky and vulnerable because there isn't a thing i'd be willing to do about it.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Someone else said bringing up the boyfriend often. That's one way to make your own intentions clear. So, again, trying to be more genuine and honest about the friendship.

Still just thinking aloud without making much sense of it :)
helpful though. you know how we hate to have sense told to us when we're just ruminating ;-)

so, yeah. the boyfriend idea . . . would be useful if i had one, i guess. but even though i could invoke the artsie that route always felt kind of left-handed and icky to me. it's not the flat truth of 'i'm not into you', it's the semi-truth of 'i'm taken'. i don't like the ethos of 'sure, you might not care what i have to say about me, but when it's a question of some other guy's turf . . . ' i don't like women defining themselves that way, you know? it doesn't subvert the dominant paradigm and all that.

i am thinking i'll bring up the artsie, all the same. which i wouldn't do if he and i still had a palpable Thing, in fact i'm considering it because we don't. i want to say 'look, here's what a real friendship looks like, for me. you and i definitely have a workplace friendship, which i enjoy. but it ain't a friendship.'
 
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You can ignore this post if you want. After examination, I've determined that the behaviour you describe does not match the behaviour I was thinking of and I was simply trying to push a square peg into a round hole. I apologise for my unsatisfactory reading comprehension.

um. not wanting to be rude here, but what kind of 'romance' have you been mixed up in for you to see it that way? ...
Don't worry about being rude. This is the Internet.

I may have misunderstood what you meant in your post. What I got from your post was:

You have a coworker who...
... shows a few overall positive aspects.
... shows many romantically negative aspects.
... may be developing a crush on you.
... has done nothing to intentionally repel you.

When interacting with him, you...
... become hostile.
... would rather he not be romantically interested in you.
... experience discomfort when considering he has an emotional life.
... act irrationally, as if he had done something inappropriate.
... are concerned about what he might do with his feelings.

I do not have distinct definitions for:
"as a person" (Best guess: none)
"hostile behaviour" (Best guess: defensive in conversation, desire to end interaction as soon as possible)
"reacting as if he'd suddenly brought out his stuff and displayed it to me" (Best guess: confusion, uncertainty, repulsion)

I think this goes without saying, but I have little experience in romantic things. Most of my conjecture is based on my limited experience. Anyway, when I have a crush (when I have an interest in someone), what usually follows is...
... a defensive attitude toward the idea of a relationship.
... thoughts on what the other person thinks of me.
... self-consciousness, irrational thoughts, and awkwardness around that person.
... inability to predict what may happen.
... etc.
 
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