Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,678 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So my husband and I were bantering back and forth as we often do, teasing each other, and I made the comment to him (after he told me he wouldn't do something crazy I jokingly told him I was going to do) "You're so boring!" Then the conversation just turned weird from there....

Him: Well that would explain why I have no friends

Me:.....What are you talking about? We just spent the weekend with a group of people who told me first hand how cool you are.....

Him : Yeah...people like me, for whatever reason. It's not the same as having friends. What did I have to contribute to the conversations? Nothing.

Me: All the more to your credit, that they like you I suppose. *wracking my brain trying to think of something helpful*

Him: Don't worry about it. I'm not complaining. I just making a statement. I shouldn't have said anything. Lets drop it.

Me: You just sounded depressed.

Him: I'm fine. No point in being depressed, it's not like it'll change anything. It is what it is.

Me: *hits head against proverbial wall*

So do you relate to this type of thinking at all? And if so, are you truly content with it? He sounds depressed, to me but it seems ISTPs hate to have people to have people try to help them, and it would just come across as me imposing... so what am I supposed to do? Nothing? And he's made these sort of comments in passing before, and then immediately tries to change the subject every time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,225 Posts
Well, I think the same way most of the time. I add nothing to conversation unless two criterias are fulfilled.

1.) The topic is relevant to my interests.
2.) It's more than scratching the surface.

Though, I don't worry much about having friends or not, it also depends on what his definition of a friend is. Take social networks for instance, friend became a synonym for acquaintance. As for me, I don't have any friends. I know a handful of people and I meet and converse with on occasion, but none I'd trust as much as myself, let alone more than myself. Sometimes dwelling in self pity for the sake of TLC can be refreshing, though :tongue:

EDIT: You can try to talk to him about it in depth assuming he's up for it and there's really any concerns for him (talk about it, not giving ideas or telling him what to do). Given the difference in your personalities however he's probably nowhere close to what you can pull of social wise which may causes an ever so slightly crack in a confident ISTPs being. Most likely only a temporarily one though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
Well I sometimes have little turns like that I don't know why it just sort of happens. Usually I just remember something that annoyed me and get all grumpy and moan about whatever. Its weird but it passes quickly and I'm quite happy afterwards. It might just be that
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
743 Posts
Oh god that sounds just like me. :confused:

Yes, "helping" would be seen as imposing.

In all honesty, people seem to like me from afar. When we become closer it becomes a different story, as far as I can tell ISTP really DON'T have much to contribute to friendships. Friendships are a lot of work for us, which is why we don't bother unless it's someone we really care about. :frustrating:

You have to remember that ISTPs hate everyone. That tends to mess with things:

Jedi Girl - Personality Types - Type Humor

ISTP: "Assassin"
Hates people, and is good at killing them.
Young ISTP's are good at killing pictures of people in video games.
:tongue:

To sum up, I'd say he's just fine the way he is. I'd say it's pretty common ISTP behaviour.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2012
Joined
·
6,514 Posts
So my husband and I were bantering back and forth as we often do, teasing each other, and I made the comment to him (after he told me he wouldn't do something crazy I jokingly told him I was going to do) "You're so boring!" Then the conversation just turned weird from there....

Him: Well that would explain why I have no friends

Me:.....What are you talking about? We just spent the weekend with a group of people who told me first hand how cool you are.....

Him : Yeah...people like me, for whatever reason. It's not the same as having friends. What did I have to contribute to the conversations? Nothing.

Me: All the more to your credit, that they like you I suppose. *wracking my brain trying to think of something helpful*

Him: Don't worry about it. I'm not complaining. I just making a statement. I shouldn't have said anything. Lets drop it.

Me: You just sounded depressed.

Him: I'm fine. No point in being depressed, it's not like it'll change anything. It is what it is.

Me: *hits head against proverbial wall*

So do you relate to this type of thinking at all? And if so, are you truly content with it? He sounds depressed, to me but it seems ISTPs hate to have people to have people try to help them, and it would just come across as me imposing... so what am I supposed to do? Nothing? And he's made these sort of comments in passing before, and then immediately tries to change the subject every time.
I swear, take out you and your husband, and put in my brother and me. Uncanny...

It's true. People liking you is not the same as having friends. People may like you, but that doesn't mean that they want to form a relationship with you.

I don't think it's depression...it's resignation. I don't know what to do to make what you might call a deeper connection. And when it happens, I don't know how it happened. In the past, I actually made the effort to form closer friendships, and failed without knowing why. In these instances, it seemed like I was always initiating it. There was no reciprocity. Eventually I just gave up.

Like what Capsicum said, people like me, but from a distance. I have many amicable acquaintances, but few real friends. I think the problem is, I am not objectively aware of how people see me or my actions...resulting from my subjective Ti and inferior Fe. So, people like me, but something about me keeps them at arm's length, even when I try to reach out and close the gap.

So, I guess my question to you is: what do you think you can do to help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,208 Posts
I also think it's not depression. If he's really an ISTP, he wouldn't confess so directly something that is bothering him. If he's straightforward about something, it's probably not very related to his feelings but just to how he objectively sees the situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,678 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I swear, take out you and your husband, and put in my brother and me. Uncanny...

It's true. People liking you is not the same as having friends. People may like you, but that doesn't mean that they want to form a relationship with you.

I don't think it's depression...it's resignation. I don't know what to do to make what you might call a deeper connection. And when it happens, I don't know how it happened. In the past, I actually made the effort to form closer friendships, and failed without knowing why. In these instances, it seemed like I was always initiating it. There was no reciprocity. Eventually I just gave up.

Like what Capsicum said, people like me, but from a distance. I have many amicable acquaintances, but few real friends. I think the problem is, I am not objectively aware of how people see me or my actions...resulting from my subjective Ti and inferior Fe. So, people like me, but something about me keeps them at arm's length, even when I try to reach out and close the gap.

So, I guess my question to you is: what do you think you can do to help?
What type is your brother?

The weird thing about my husband is that he has a couple *close* long lasting friendships, one guy in particular loves him like a brother and they don't seem to be pushing him away or trying to keep him at a distance. He just doesn't do much to keep things up on his end so it's all on them all the time. Which is fine, if everyone's satisfied that way....

As far as your question to me, I haven't a clue. I don't even want to help if he doesn't want to be helped. Which means supressing my imposing ENFP save the world nature, but hey, if he truly is content, then why make such comments? I'm judging the situation by how I myself speak when I am unhappy or depressed. He has admitted to me that he does have depression, though but that there's nothing I or anyone can do about it, and that I shouldn't worry because it has nothing to do with me and it's just something he has to deal with.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2012
Joined
·
6,514 Posts
What type is your brother?

The weird thing about my husband is that he has a couple *close* long lasting friendships, one guy in particular loves him like a brother and they don't seem to be pushing him away or trying to keep him at a distance. He just doesn't do much to keep things up on his end so it's all on them all the time. Which is fine, if everyone's satisfied that way....

As far as your question to me, I haven't a clue. I don't even want to help if he doesn't want to be helped. Which means supressing my imposing ENFP save the world nature, but hey, if he truly is content, then why make such comments? I'm judging the situation by how I myself speak when I am unhappy or depressed. He has admitted to me that he does have depression, though but that there's nothing I or anyone can do about it, and that I shouldn't worry because it has nothing to do with me and it's just something he has to deal with.
My brother is INTJ.

Personally, I don't think your husband is content with it. I know I'm not. Even this hermit gets lonely. It's hard, because an ISTP, I need my space, but too much space means not enough stimulation for my Se. I actually get Se cravings (does that make sense?), and no way to fulfill them. That's when the loneliness and "depression" sets in.

He does have to deal with it himself, which sucks, because it means I have to deal with it myself, and I really want someone to do all the work for me. But that never works out either. I frequently make the mistake of relying on one person to be the conduit of my social interaction, namely my INTJ bro or my ENFP friend. Not only is it not fair for them to give them such a responsibility, but it also gets me nowhere. It keeps me from stepping outside my comfort zone and from making new connections. It's a vicious circle.

Maybe a way you can help is to encourage him to step outside his comfort zone. Even though we don't like, it is amazing how talented we are at adapting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
236 Posts
On the friend issue...I'm a loner, but I have a ton of friends. I have very few close friends, but I have friends for multiple activities you could say...some I exercise with, some I talk and produce music with, others I talk politics and philosophy with...some I talk relationship issues with, and so on and so forth...so I don't know if thats true of all ISTPs...I might be the exception and not the rule however.

He may be depressed...but I know I talk like that on occasion...for me, it's not always from a self-esteem angle however. I can take a lot of shots at myself or make self-deprecating jokes about myself, and not really think much of it. When I do this, its usually just me orally recognizing a problem within myself, and I just realize its something that I have to correct. Some people on the outside have taken this as me being depressed or having low self-esteem...so now I make a conscious effort not to say things, or recognize that what I might be saying is being perceived in a whole different way than I am perceiving it.

But...

I know the times I do get down...I really get down on myself. Like end of the world, suicidal down...well maybe not suicidal down, but my mood is usually pretty f*ed for about a day or so. Sleep, or a really involving activity usually corrects this rather fast I must say though.

Unfortunately, it may not be something you can help...my suggestion would be...tell him, if he ever wants to talk, your there for him...and when he does, believe me he will talk to you eventually...give him the criticism and objective opinion you believe will help him, and not what he wants to hear. I tend to back away from people emotionally when I believe they are pandering to me, and if he is an ISTP through and through, he'll probably do the same thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
376 Posts
I'm not sure if this is answering the question or not, but I'll try!

I have had episodes of depression in the past. I think that a person looking in might consider my "content" as my "depression". In both instances I like my solitude. When I'm happy though my thought are more ambitious and I'm usually tinkering around and always doing something. I'm easy going, flexible and I usually don't mind company as long as they are similar to me and do not look to me for entertainment. I talk to my friends on the phone...I guess you could say I'm quietly sociable. As with any other introvert, I can't keep it up for too long and I need to retire especially if I am with someone that requires my constant attention. I guess it goes without saying I don't like crowds or going into a situation (like a party) that makes me uneasy. I think these are the traits of my personality that people consider as depression. Wanting to be alone, not enjoying highly social activities, not really speaking unless I have something to say, etc.

When I am depressed I still want to be alone, however I kind of shut down. I always want to sleep, I'm not doing anything at all besides laying on the couch or in bed. I do not want to talk to anyone, I want everyone to leave me alone, I don't make calls and I don't answer the phone. I ruminate about everything that went wrong in my life and I have a lot of negative thoughts. As far as my attitude is concerned I'm snappy, short, easily set off, and nasty. I don't want anyone prying either, I usually come out of it on my own and the more you try the meaner I become. Thankfully, the people I have in my life now know the difference between the two and act accordingly. I'm at the point in my life where I can't be bothered with training someone on how to deal with me; therefore, I have little to no interest in fostering new friendships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
ISTP's are normally content, but because ISTP's especially men, don't have an outlet to release their feelings it can come out blunt sometimes. asking ISTP's about other ones is a good suggestion though, considering lots are psycologists and understand the minds of other people. He most likely wasn't depressed, but sometimes ISTPs can let some words and feelings get to them and start thinking abuot them, because it is their strong trait. I don't know about other ISTP's but im self conscious.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Choice

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
My brother is INTJ.

Personally, I don't think your husband is content with it. I know I'm not. Even this hermit gets lonely. It's hard, because an ISTP, I need my space, but too much space means not enough stimulation for my Se. I actually get Se cravings (does that make sense?), and no way to fulfill them. That's when the loneliness and "depression" sets in.

He does have to deal with it himself, which sucks, because it means I have to deal with it myself, and I really want someone to do all the work for me. But that never works out either. I frequently make the mistake of relying on one person to be the conduit of my social interaction, namely my INTJ bro or my ENFP friend. Not only is it not fair for them to give them such a responsibility, but it also gets me nowhere. It keeps me from stepping outside my comfort zone and from making new connections. It's a vicious circle.

Maybe a way you can help is to encourage him to step outside his comfort zone. Even though we don't like, it is amazing how talented we are at adapting.
Hi! =) Do you mean you wish you could make more friends, or, do you mean you wish you could make more friends so that you can have more people to do new activities with for your Se cravings (hee hee, that sound cute :) ...?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,438 Posts
I'm not an ISTP, but I found that this resonated very much with me and my relationship with my ENFP (Sharing a dominant and inferior function can make the INTP and ISTP kinda similar, in my experience). Essentially, I can talk very plainly about something that's bothering me without really getting emotionally attached or involved with it. Granted, there are times when I am affected by it, but often times I can say something really terrible about myself almost in the abstract. It's not it's not a problem as I see it, it's that I keep myself from really showing on the surface how deeply it may bother me. I've had almost the same conversations before with my ENFP (and it's usually something similar, about how I have so little to offer in conversation and how little I trust other people and have such trouble speaking when I need most to have my thoughts heard), and even if what I'm saying really bothers me I show nothing on the surface. It's because it's something I deal with constantly and it's just a part of my self-perception. It's not something that has happened to upset me in the moment; that causes a different reaction. If the things I really detest about myself come up like that, as if on their own, I'm not likely to seem too upset about them, even if what I say is really upsetting and causes a lot of worry. My ENFP can get really sad when I say things like that about myself and this can actually make it harder because I don't want to make someone upset over me when it's only something that's eating at me in general and doesn't need to be and can't be taken care of in the moment. Because of that, I recede deeper into "not wanting to talk about it" than I was before, and that can make me feel even worse about my inability to really talk about my feelings and difficulties with trust.

If there's a point to all of what I'm saying, it's that your ISTP likely is really bothered by what he's identified, but it's not affecting him on the surface, not just because he won't let it, but because it's a constant thing he deals with rather than an emotional reaction to something. The fact that he would mention it at all is tantamount to the fact that it does really eat at him, but his very detached manner of talking about it would show that he doesn't want to upset you over something he doesn't believe he can change.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gurlcorporate

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,691 Posts
@RoSoDude you're right, INTP and ISTPs are very similar. Kiersey's an idiot to separate people with the same dominant function to tell everyone otherwise...

Hi! =) Do you mean you wish you could make more friends, or, do you mean you wish you could make more friends so that you can have more people to do new activities with for your Se cravings (hee hee, that sound cute :) ...?
Do I want more "activity partners" to satiate Se cravings? No. I don't even have to like a person to do something with them because the focus is on the activity not the people, actually I'd rather go with a stranger who's interested in the activity than me because an amused stranger is easier to leave to it (so I can focus on the doing) than a disinterested "friend" who needs supervision/help.

What's really going on when I make comments about having no friends is acknowledgement of the difference between activity partners and friends - if I need to vent I do so to an anonymous forum because I have no close friends or relatives. Most of the time I'm "happy" alone (where happy means busy) but there is a strong desire for closer connection that I have no idea how to fulfil without absolutely decimating the Golden Rule. I hate small talk along the lines of showing interest (which to me is being nosy - if I want you to know something I'll tell you) so I struggle to inflict it on others despite knowing on an intellectual level that most people don't see it this way at all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
There is dark magic at work here...
Do I want more "activity partners" to satiate Se cravings? No. I don't even have to like a person to do something with them because the focus is on the activity not the people, actually I'd rather go with a stranger who's interested in the activity than me because an amused stranger is easier to leave to it (so I can focus on the doing) than a disinterested "friend" who needs supervision/help.

What's really going on when I make comments about having no friends is acknowledgement of the difference between activity partners and friends - if I need to vent I do so to an anonymous forum because I have no close friends or relatives. Most of the time I'm "happy" alone (where happy means busy) but there is a strong desire for closer connection that I have no idea how to fulfil without absolutely decimating the Golden Rule. I hate small talk along the lines of showing interest (which to me is being nosy - if I want you to know something I'll tell you) so I struggle to inflict it on others despite knowing on an intellectual level that most people don't see it this way at all.
I see... It's the go-getter thing. I mean of course, you can't like... Airsoft by yourself. Wouldn't be much fun. :)

I enjoy the activities as well and most of the time wish I didn't have to supervise, but, I can't deny that I enjoy doting on people. Sometimes on the verge of annoying them or freaking them out, especially females. I have been suspected a lesbian on several occasions due to this. As I got older though, I learned to lean back a bit and let people warm up to me.
 

·
MOTM Jan 2012
Joined
·
6,514 Posts
Hi! =) Do you mean you wish you could make more friends, or, do you mean you wish you could make more friends so that you can have more people to do new activities with for your Se cravings (hee hee, that sound cute :) ...?
More friends.
 
  • Like
Reactions: gurlcorporate

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,752 Posts
I relate to this 100%.

I don't want people to like me for the sake of it, nor do I want people to pretend with me either: The word which comes to mind for these kinds of relationships is 'superficial'. I find people who speak as though they like me and act otherwise to be completely insufferable.

I can only grow to respect and care about someone if they are willing to play as level with me as I am with them; unfortunately, this takes a level of emotional vulnerability which most people aren't easily capable of, thus I seem aloof and anti-social to the world, perhaps depressed if you are feeling dramatic.
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Top