Personality Cafe banner
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a quite general subject here - it's called depressed state.
Lately Ive been dating a guy who has depression problems (an ENFJ but im not asking an advice according to types here)
When i met him he was depressed, then he snapped out of it and told me I have a great credit for it. I do believe that new love and new hope gets you out of depression and i personally don't know what i did but im glad i kinda helped.

Now he had bad experience and has law problems about it even now still. And now he got again in one bad period of time. The third one since i met him actually. The first was one when I met him, the second was in December and now is the third one.
In december i tried to be attentive around him but i kinda got sort of a "slap" back cuz he's depressed state reflected badly on our relationship and he kinda hurt me. We sorted it out...but i still have trust issues.
Now I kinda got scared of him emotions. Used to i was very cool headed and could be a support. Now i don't know how to do it. Cuz one part of me is quite anxious. He is progressing kinda and is able to look positive bad he is in a bad period.
But i sense myself full of nerves and fear cuz once that reflected badly on us.
I like this guy - and when he is not depressed we really have a good time. When he is - we still have a good time but conversations get a bit weird. He is hardly concentrated on anything i say that is not about his problem. I understand he is struggling but i often feel left out.
What im mostly worried about is that im full of fear and that wont be well for us. Also i think i lost a lot of trust and got quite nervous about him...when he doesn't reply on text i kinda get completely irrational and start thinking panic thoughts. And then turns out to be nothing.
I am kinda seeing myself in a very bad state when it comes to relationship with him, and personally i think i have paranoia and that things are not that bad as i see them.
I feel like i can't be a support if i still hold grunge or if im completely not well with nerves. I feel anxious and with lack of confidence when it comes to relationship with him. And i also think it's all in my head and how i see things - cuz in reality it's not that bad. Most of my friends told me a make a lot of fuss and that is very unlike me.
I personally can't find the right switch to turn this off and him being depressed is also not helping.
I don't wanna be like this. It's not a case i don't like him anymore...the case is that my head won't let me enjoy it.
And part of me things that he is transferring his depression on me and it can be also one of the things causing nervous state. But i know i would usually stay quite firm and stable if i wasn't this anxious in general.
My mind got obsessed with thinking about him and analyzing it over and over. But it's not working well my analysis is not going in a healthy direction. I feel a bit obsessed with thoughts about him and my mind is creating problems where there is no problem.

I have a few questions here:

How to stop being anxious?
How to control paranoia thoughts?
How to treat someone who is depressed? What is a best way?

Also you can forget about question and give me any advice you won't about this! I'm really looking for a help here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
618 Posts
You are right. As humans we are easily influenced by other people, we are influenced by friends alone never mind people we are in a relationship with. He is obviously bringing you down, if you want to help him then try to get him to go counselling otherwise it is not your place (as Surreal Snake mentioned) to try and fix someone who has a serious problem. Especially not when you're in a relationship. For someone to get out of serious mental/emotional setbacks they have to work on it with people outside of the circle first, and people who are professionals because this is a very delicate area. Even if you know what you are doing, you are too close to him to help him.
If you want to stop being so anxious and obsessing over him like that then it is simple, tell him how you feel and stop talking to him. Shut him out of your life until you can find the path back to yourself and be assured of who you are again. We are under no obligation to take other people's burdens along with their attitudes "oh he hurt me, but it's alright because he was depressed", that doesn't still make it okay. Take some time away from him and when you do, cut all ties. Don't let him have 'only texts' or 'only a phone call every now and then' because when someone is depressed and they feel they are being left, they will become manipulative and try to make you guilty and feel horrible for what you have done. It is an unfortunate circumstance, yes, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it. It is not a healthy relationship. It is not only bad for you, it is also bad for him. Try to get him some counselling, and give yourself a break. Be strong. All you have to do is focus on that thought in your head "I want to be myself again" and be firm with it, you will be sad at first and feel guilty and horrible and scared, but eventually, the anxiety and paranoia will go away. I have been in the same situation before, trust me. You deserve better than that.

There really aren't any tricks here and I know it is easier said than done, but you have to think hard of what you want more, and realise that either option will not be easy to you so you might as well decide.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a bad state at the moment, and I am sorry for your friend. Good luck.
 
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You are right. As humans we are easily influenced by other people, we are influenced by friends alone never mind people we are in a relationship with. He is obviously bringing you down, if you want to help him then try to get him to go counselling otherwise it is not your place (as Surreal Snake mentioned) to try and fix someone who has a serious problem. Especially not when you're in a relationship. For someone to get out of serious mental/emotional setbacks they have to work on it with people outside of the circle first, and people who are professionals because this is a very delicate area. Even if you know what you are doing, you are too close to him to help him.
If you want to stop being so anxious and obsessing over him like that then it is simple, tell him how you feel and stop talking to him. Shut him out of your life until you can find the path back to yourself and be assured of who you are again. We are under no obligation to take other people's burdens along with their attitudes "oh he hurt me, but it's alright because he was depressed", that doesn't still make it okay. Take some time away from him and when you do, cut all ties. Don't let him have 'only texts' or 'only a phone call every now and then' because when someone is depressed and they feel they are being left, they will become manipulative and try to make you guilty and feel horrible for what you have done. It is an unfortunate circumstance, yes, but that doesn't mean you have to go through it. It is not a healthy relationship. It is not only bad for you, it is also bad for him. Try to get him some counselling, and give yourself a break. Be strong. All you have to do is focus on that thought in your head "I want to be myself again" and be firm with it, you will be sad at first and feel guilty and horrible and scared, but eventually, the anxiety and paranoia will go away. I have been in the same situation before, trust me. You deserve better than that.

There really aren't any tricks here and I know it is easier said than done, but you have to think hard of what you want more, and realise that either option will not be easy to you so you might as well decide.

I'm sorry to hear you are in a bad state at the moment, and I am sorry for your friend. Good luck.
That is my point - it is not his right to hurt me cuz he is depressed. I am willing to help but not if i get slap for it. The point is - he doesn't talk a lot about his depression and is trying to be as normal as he can. But every time he does smth shitty cuz of it, i sense it right away (cuz i personally am very sensitive on a background of what someone says) and i freak out. The good side of it is that he apologizes pretty soon. Still, it is not his right to react that way.
Personally i decided that is not healthy to feel this way about someone. That is completely true. So i decided to make step away from him. Stop being anxious about what happens and detach myself emotionally from him.
The problem is - I'm the kind of a person who is pretty sensitive about how other person is and everything about it if it's bad - hurts me. Often cuz i have expectations of him and when he is depressed it doesn't become real.
He is not burdening me with it himself...that's the funny part - i feel it myself cuz i know the problem is there. He is not all around it that much.
But it's not my place to fix him or i do want to fix him.
You might think im stupidly idealistic here - but i do believe in him. Cuz he shows he can snap out from depression if i react badly on smth he have done and he tries to be ok for me as much as he can. He doesn't mention a lot how he feels - but i do feel how he feels.
And honestly i wouldn't feel guilty if i would leave someone who is bringing me down on purpose cuz he is depressed. Cuz i don't appreciate a person who would do smth like that to a person who he or she loves.
The point is - i might haven't presented it in that way - but he is not trying to burden me himself directly. I can feel his mood in background but on the outside he is trying to laugh and have a jokes with me and everything and talk to me normally - ofc you can feel the difference cuz he is bad.
And about taking a step away you said...yes that would be best...and i did made a shield here...cuz it won't disappear if i will still care this much and burden myself too much. Points of view need to be changed.
I have to admit - i am a bit confused about what to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
618 Posts
That is my point - it is not his right to hurt me cuz he is depressed. I am willing to help but not if i get slap for it. The point is - he doesn't talk a lot about his depression and is trying to be as normal as he can. But every time he does smth shitty cuz of it, i sense it right away (cuz i personally am very sensitive on a background of what someone says) and i freak out. The good side of it is that he apologizes pretty soon. Still, it is not his right to react that way.
Personally i decided that is not healthy to feel this way about someone. That is completely true. So i decided to make step away from him. Stop being anxious about what happens and detach myself emotionally from him.
The problem is - I'm the kind of a person who is pretty sensitive about how other person is and everything about it if it's bad - hurts me. Often cuz i have expectations of him and when he is depressed it doesn't become real.
He is not burdening me with it himself...that's the funny part - i feel it myself cuz i know the problem is there. He is not all around it that much.
But it's not my place to fix him or i do want to fix him.
You might think im stupidly idealistic here - but i do believe in him. Cuz he shows he can snap out from depression if i react badly on smth he have done and he tries to be ok for me as much as he can. He doesn't mention a lot how he feels - but i do feel how he feels.
And honestly i wouldn't feel guilty if i would leave someone who is bringing me down on purpose cuz he is depressed. Cuz i don't appreciate a person who would do smth like that to a person who he or she loves.
The point is - i might haven't presented it in that way - but he is not trying to burden me himself directly. I can feel his mood in background but on the outside he is trying to laugh and have a jokes with me and everything and talk to me normally - ofc you can feel the difference cuz he is bad.
And about taking a step away you said...yes that would be best...and i did made a shield here...cuz it won't disappear if i will still care this much and burden myself too much. Points of view need to be changed.
I have to admit - i am a bit confused about what to do.
Ah, I do understand. You are very sensitive and able to pick up emotions easily. It hurts you not only because you can feel his pain, but you also feel like you are unable to help at the time and it makes you sad. I'm not saying he is a bad guy either, of course he does not mean to hurt you, but as you have recognised, this still is an unhealthy relationship. It is not so much focused on whether you two match each other, but 1. he is not in the right place right now to even BE in a relationship. and 2. You are not in the right place either, because as you have said, you are being affected by it negatively and indirectly, which shows that you have changed within yourself. You are not sure of who you are anymore because now you are uncertain, insecure, anxious, you may feel inadequate.
Things sometimes just run their course, you know? And it's good that regardless of how upset this is making you, you can understand that you still need to take a step back. Sometimes it takes a strong person to let go, sometimes you can fix things by just letting it go. Only then will he be at liberty to progress because his personal feelings with you (wanting to be okay for you and hide his feelings) are stopping him from facing his problems and working with them. Do you know what I mean?
You're perfectly normal, you have a caring heart and because of that you are more sensitive to his feelings but I think it will help you both to leave it for now and continue your lives separately until you are both ready to be in a relationship again. Once you are at that stage you will be able to make an *informed* decision, and once he can be independent, he will be able to really choose what he wants in his life. It doesn't have to be the end you know, life has a funny way of bringing two people back together if it is meant to be, but you have to realise that right now the relationship needs a breather.

It is still good to talk to him properly before though to really help him understand how you feel and help him understand that he needs this too, and he needs some help.
 
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
It is not so much focused on whether you two match each other, but 1. he is not in the right place right now to even BE in a relationship. and 2. You are not in the right place either, because as you have said, you are being affected by it negatively and indirectly, which shows that you have changed within yourself.
this is well said. And this is my personal opinion that he is not in a position to be in any kind of a relationship momently and with anybody.

You are not sure of who you are anymore because now you are uncertain, insecure, anxious, you may feel inadequate.
This is true...but i feel uncertain about his feelings from time to time. Two weeks ago he was still very expressive. Now when he is depressed cuz smth happens on this friday, he kinda became a bit distant. Probably cuz partially he can't be to warm with anybody and doesn't want me to feel emotionally involved in the whole situation. Now thsi uncertain about his feelings, most people who know situation better said that it's my paranoia and that's from being all nervous - i agree with that, but we still have me being nervous problem.

you have to realise that right now the relationship needs a breather
i realized this while thinking about options i should take. Cuz when i decided to take a step back i felt more clamed. I didn't really moved completely from him but i gave myself a break with being too emotionally involved. And - voila - he responded well on it and actually became more calm about telling me things and being more close to me.
Remember also this guy is not in a relationship with me, we are only kinda "dating" cuz when we met we were living in seperate towns and stuff like that, plus these kinds of reasons were why i wanted to take it slowly and see what happens. But even if i am doing that , u see relationship for me is not being comitted to someone - it forms itself if two persons have conditions for it. If your emotions work that way and you care about each other and are in love then it goes together itself. So that's why i can't avoid being emotionally involved.

What i really feel like a right thing to do is not step back physically but step back in my head. I have a need to turn over my mind set about the whoel situation. Also the fact is...he is depressed with the reason but he is depressed and i need to stop having an urge to fix this or to influence on him being better - that he has to do himself and if he needs to talk - ill be glad to - but i can only listen and can't fix his problem.

But step back is teh only way really...
@CrabbyPaws
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top