Depression is changing me and I hate it

I still have depression, and I think I understand how you feel. Depression sucks. It saps your energy and willpower, and it's hard to deal with. I'm not a Type 7 or a Type 8, but I've always been an energetic person, so it sucked when suddenly my energy had a damper put on it.

While it might have been nice to be able to deal with things on your own in the past, it's not a bad thing to have help from other people in terms of getting strength to deal with your problems. There's a humility that comes with that, and it's best to think of it as building character. You'll come out stronger than ever before, with more self-awareness too. Depression comes with lies and self-doubt, but it also comes with sobering wisdom and a unique perspective that many other people don't have.

Don't let depression steal your self-identity—use it to grow as an individual to become a better person. Also don't be afraid to sob your heart out sometimes. Every now and then, we all need a good cry (or at least, I do haha). Don't bottle up your feelings—let them out (in a healthy way of course—not by lashing out at others).


For me personally as a Christian, I turned to God in my times of depression. That gave me even more strength to carry on, and I grew a lot spiritually from it.

Little_Bird said:

 

I'm a 7w8 sx. I've always taken life by the horns and bended situations to my advantage through force of will or charm. I've gone through all kinds of hell. When I get tired or down, I bounce back insanely quick. I've stood up to depression for years now, since I was 17.

When things got really rough internally, I was always able to draw energy from within me and kick it to the curb. I kick myself in gear and fight my way out of everything. I fight, fight, and fight some more. That's who I am. But what do you do when the energy you always counted on, the one that you drew from seemingly nowhere, the core of your being, is gone? What do you do?

Good heavens, now I have to count on people to save me?? I can't fix myself like I would always do? I can face my negative thoughts, I can cope with suicidal thoughts, I can fight off depression trying to taint my self image. But I can't do this. It's stealing my life force, the one thing in my life that I could always count on. My passion, my fire, my drive, my resilience. Everyone used to believe that I was capable of everything and now they're surprised and shocked at the fact that I apparently can't do *THIS* anymore.

I don't know what to do. I don't want depression to change my personality. I want to fight it off, but when I will that energy and spirit I used to have, nothing is there. Like something was extinguished or stolen. It makes me wanna scream in frustration, sob my heart out, and punch everything in the face.

Has anyone else gone through this? Even more so when you're a 7 or 8? How did you get back what depression stole from you?

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No, or yes, I mena, I am not a type 7 nor 8. I am a type 4-6-9. I am used to being depressed, and have a different way dealing with it than you have. I don't bounce back that easily so quickly. I stay a while that, slowly crawling back to feeling okay-ish enough. And it kinda goes back and forth between that. I find it very interesting to read how depression and dealing with it works so different between you and me.

Westy365 said:

I still have depression, and I think I understand how you feel. Depression sucks. It saps your energy and willpower, and it's hard to deal with. I'm not a Type 7 or a Type 8, but I've always been an energetic person, so it sucked when suddenly my energy had a damper put on it.

While it might have been nice to be able to deal with things on your own in the past, it's not a bad thing to have help from other people in terms of getting strength to deal with your problems. There's a humility that comes with that, and it's best to think of it as building character. You'll come out stronger than ever before, with more self-awareness too. Depression comes with lies and self-doubt, but it also comes with sobering wisdom and a unique perspective that many other people don't have.

Don't let depression steal your self-identity—use it to grow as an individual to become a better person. Also don't be afraid to sob your heart out sometimes. Every now and then, we all need a good cry (or at least, I do haha). Don't bottle up your feelings—let them out (in a healthy way of course—not by lashing out at others).


For me personally as a Christian, I turned to God in my times of depression. That gave me even more strength to carry on, and I grew a lot spiritually from it.

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Thank you for the encouragement! I know it's best to admit when we can't handle something, but it's difficult to accept when you've always been seen as the strong one, the unbreakable one, and have lived your life very independently. Thankfully, I have great friends that stick around me and reassure me that they don't see me any different and are willing to carry me

But it still feels extremely uncomfortable. I'm fighting the negative energy inside me and that's something I have to do on my own, no one can do that for you. God can help, but you have to do your part.

Thanks for the advice! I'm not willing to let depression eat me alive, but I kinda need the power to fight it off of me again. I take natural supplements and used to go to a psychologist. That can only do so much. I mentioned being a 7w8 because that way, maybe some 7s or 8s would be able to understand a bit more where I was coming from.

AAADD Pumpkin Rupsje said:

No, or yes, I mena, I am not a type 7 nor 8. I am a type 4-6-9. I am used to being depressed, and have a different way dealing with it than you have. I don't bounce back that easily so quickly. I stay a while that, slowly crawling back to feeling okay-ish enough. And it kinda goes back and forth between that. I find it very interesting to read how depression and dealing with it works so different between you and me.

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That's interesting, it reminds me of my best friend. She goes through bouts every once in a while, and that's how she described it. "Slowly crawling from the hole". Her words, not mine.

I'd say for me it's more like energy spikes. It feels like something is pulling me in and I'm pulling myself out. Like a bird with it's feet being pulled by something. I'll be depressed but then I'll yank myself out of its grasp and fly away. My mind and heart will heal. Then it'll drag me down again. Repeat. So I'll have a few weeks of struggling against the heavy drag downwards filled with spikes that makes it seem like I'm better. But really, I'm still not totally fine. I'll free myself from it after pulling hard again and again. That's why it's more like energy spikes for me.

Keep going friend! We'll win

Little_Bird said:

That's interesting, it reminds me of my best friend. She goes through bouts every once in a while, and that's how she described it. "Slowly crawling from the hole". Her words, not mine.

I'd say for me it's more like energy spikes. It feels like something is pulling me in and I'm pulling myself out. Like a bird with it's feet being pulled by something. I'll be depressed but then I'll yank myself out of its grasp and fly away. My mind and heart will heal. Then it'll drag me down again. Repeat. So I'll have a few weeks of struggling against the heavy drag downwards filled with spikes that makes it seem like I'm better. But really, I'm still not totally fine. I'll free myself from it after pulling hard again and again. That's why it's more like energy spikes for me.

Keep going friend! We'll win

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I feel like something constantly is pulling into depression, my head, I keep (over) thinking and it's all pro negative focussed. All I have to do is spent some time alone, and it won't take long, and I feel depressed again. Or be with the wrong kind of people, or at the wrong place, ... I need to feel at home, or good, need to right kind of distraction, it's almost like something inside of me doesn't want me to be happy (actually, that's been told to me to be the case).

Then after feeling depressed long and deeply enough, I then suddenly I am like... this needs to change, and then I will crawl back. I am perhaps too used to feel like this, I easily allow to feel that way until it gets too worse for my liking.

I am going through the same period. I have been known to energetically do things on my own independently of the will of others, pushing myself out of pain and worries in the pursuit of achievements and success. I earned a lot of money in the past 2 years, despite living with depression for almost 6 years. I fought with people, I pushed people away because they were coming in my way, I made people spite me. Sure I had occasional downs, but this time I just lost so much hope that I can't do trivial living stuff. There is no meaning in life, there is just not any incentive to do anything, even though I have been existentially nihilist for years, this cognitive state of feeling no point/value in anything is just itching me constantly. All I do is play video games, watch movies and listen songs, with long periods of brooding, regret and self-loathing until I feel the need to lie down and sleep. It's like living with a very heavy weights dragging you down. I lost social skills to make new contacts, lost focus to earn new clients, lost interest in things I loved (participating on forums like this for example).

I was looking for the possibility that I might be core 4w5 (which I always do when I feel down, duh) despite being it my image-fix, but obviously depression can happen to any type. What kinds of thoughts are you having when you are silently sitting? We both are anxious/fear types. I can confirm that I am getting anxious thoughts that something bad is going to happen (angst) because I am not doing anything, that people are plotting against me and I feel worthless, and that the more I live in this state the likelihood of worse thing happening is increasing. It forces me to distract myself in time-consuming activities (even though I am not getting any 'fun' out of them) and smoking. How do you present yourself to other people? What is your image-fix? (if you are into tritype) Are you comfortable with the idea that people see you as a person with depression and low energy?

In the past, I took care of depression through replacing negative feelings with positive ones by throwing myself into work activities (6->3 connection?), ambitiously talking about my goals with people, demonstrating a lot of aggression for the aggression sake to intimidate people. This includes meeting people who share the similar interest and talking with them to "brush off" negative feelings, and seeking explanations (for e.g., using Enneagram/personality systems to pinpoint exactly what I am feeling). I also took some natural supplements.

I am also not 7 or an 8 (although I've had one person suggest I could be a 7w6), but I also feel this. At my core I'm an independent optimist who, like you, uses my energy to push through life's problems and struggles. I've always been the type of person that, despite my lack of decisiveness, could easily solve their problems and even find solutions to other's peoples problems quite simply all on my own. It used to be very easy to see the beauty that the world had to offer and to find self worth/identity, and even when things began to get really bad, I was still able to push through because of my ambition, my drive to make my life and other's lives better, and my focus on the future. But now I can't seem to do any of that, though I can't seem to bring my ego down low enough to ask for help either.

All and all, I suppose that is what depression does, it hides and damages the things that you love about yourself, be it your energy or my drive. It sucks, though I suppose I could say I've gone through that too.

seriousguy said:

I have been known to energetically do things on my own independently of the will of others, pushing myself out of pain and worries in the pursuit of achievements and success.

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Yep. I don't have the energy for that right now, and it angers me. I'm trying to slowly heal and regain that energy, but it's much harder than before. Sorry that you're going through that as well Have you ever gotten any sort of professional help for it? Did it help at all?

seriousguy said:

I was looking for the possibility that I might be core 4w5 (which I always do when I feel down, duh) despite being it my image-fix, but obviously depression can happen to any type. What kinds of thoughts are you having when you are silently sitting? We both are anxious/fear types. I can confirm that I am getting anxious thoughts that something bad is going to happen (angst) because I am not doing anything, that people are plotting against me and I feel worthless, and that the more I live in this state the likelihood of worse thing happening is increasing. It forces me to distract myself in time-consuming activities (even though I am not getting any 'fun' out of them) and smoking. How do you present yourself to other people? What is your image-fix? (if you are into tritype) Are you comfortable with the idea that people see you as a person with depression and low energy?

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I'm a 7w8 4w5 9w8 sx. My 4w5 is strong, but not nearly as strong as my first tritype. Actually, I have a pretty healthy 4w5 tritype. Instead of feeding into the negative tendancies of the 4w5, the 7w8 kicks it in gear, says "fuck that shit", and stabilizes me. I've found a balance between the two by letting myself fully feel negative emotions and then pulling myself out of them. 4w5s often think there's something beautiful in sadness and I do too... When it's in art. When it's a healthy expression of it. Not when it's eating me alive. I hate self pity and find no use in wallowing in negativity. But I have depression.

Your mental illness has nothing to do with your enneagram. I've found that the reason as to why each enneagram is afraid of depression is a sign of what their primary instincts are. In my original post, I basically said why I hated depression. It is stealing my ambition and my love for life. It's holding me back from dominating life. I'm not enjoying life like I used to. That's what irks me the most, the chains it's placed on me. That is what confirms to me that I'm a 7w8. My image fix is definitely my first tritype. I have a strong 8 wing, so I come across to people as intense, passionate, assertive, curious, and positive. Most of my close friends relate how intimidating I seemed to be when they first met me. That makes me a little sad, because I wish I seemed more approachable. The energy I project is too intense for most most people and that peeves me.

When I present myself to people, I want them to see somebody competent, intelligent, and positive. I will also take personal offense to being underestimated and make sure you don't make that mistake again. I want them to see the sun Which is why I hide away when depression is eating me alive, because that's not me. So I'm definitely not comfortable with people seeing me depressed. In my mind, it translates to being seen as weak and defenseless. I could be bleeding out on the floor, I'll be defiant towards any calamity in my last breaths.

However, I don't see people as "weak" when they're hurt or depressed. I feel the need to protect them. What I see as weak is people who wallow in it, are afraid to acknowledge it, or seek self pity. That annoys me to no end. "Stand up and fight! You think depression is going to feel any compassion to your suffering?? Get up! And if you can't get up but want to, then take my hand! But don't you dare feel sorry for yourself or refuse to acknowledge the existance of an enemy both of us can see!". Yeah, I come across as too intense...

Krayfish said:

I am also not 7 or an 8 (although I've had one person suggest I could be a 7w6), but I also feel this. At my core I'm an independent optimist who, like you, uses my energy to push through life's problems and struggles. I've always been the type of person that, despite my lack of decisiveness, could easily solve their problems and even find solutions to other's peoples problems quite simply all on my own. It used to be very easy to see the beauty that the world had to offer and to find self worth/identity, and even when things began to get really bad, I was still able to push through because of my ambition, my drive to make my life and other's lives better, and my focus on the future. But now I can't seem to do any of that, though I can't seem to bring my ego down low enough to ask for help either.

All and all, I suppose that is what depression does, it hides and damages the things that you love about yourself, be it your energy or my drive. It sucks, though I suppose I could say I've gone through that too.

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You definitely seem like a 7w6. Is what you stated your primary drive in life? What's your enneagram? I hope you get through this and flourish again!! I know you can. Just by hearing the type of person you want to be, I can tell you can survive. But seek help. I have friends that refuse to let me drown and they've pulled me out of the water. I feel pretty dead inside right now, but if I look hard enough inside of me, there's a small flame that refuses to be extinguished. It's inside you as well.

Look for natural remedies, work out, talk to someone trustworthy, push yourself to do things. You'll be infinitely thankful to yourself and those around you when the good times come

Little_Bird said:

You definitely seem like a 7w6. Is what you stated your primary drive in life? What's your enneagram? I hope you get through this and flourish again!! I know you can. Just by hearing the type of person you want to be, I can tell you can survive. But seek help. I have friends that refuse to let me drown and they've pulled me out of the water. I feel pretty dead inside right now, but if I look hard enough inside of me, there's a small flame that refuses to be extinguished. It's inside you as well.

Look for natural remedies, work out, talk to someone trustworthy, push yourself to do things. You'll be infinitely thankful to yourself and those around you when the good times come

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Do I? Certainly possible that I could have a 7 fix, although I'd change my 9 fix to 1 if that were the case. Currently I type 9w1 6w7 3w4/4w5 sp/so, but I'm pretty sure both of the options I'm oscillating between are wrong to some degree. Yeah, what I've stated has pretty much always been my goal (in addition to continuously keeping learning). You give good advice, I shouldn't be so stubborn. I really hope that all works out well for you as well!

I'll describe this using enneagram terms because the way I experienced the "loss of self" you've described is very much related to 7-specific concepts. Also, this is how I experience type 7 and relate to the concepts.

I understand the urge to fight that you described. But what I've come to understand over time is that although fighting is empowering, kicking and punching your way though life is not pleasant or sustainable. It takes a toll, and it definitely has on me. Ime, sevens use their feelings to get what they want or experience some sort of high from their mental state. The feelings themselves, however, are devalued. Negative feelings have no worth in themselves- sadness is seen as something to "get over" or "fix". It's a problem to solve. It is the enemy.

To not be able to move on from state of hopelessness is fucking terrifying. To stay still in undesirable circumstances is unthinkable because often sevens define myself based on what they do. It is difficult to have any real sense of permanency or seemingly unalienable characteristics this way- if you stop or slow down, you will have to confront the idea that you are your actions. That meaning, if you do nothing, you are nothing.

It's a classic case of selective identification- for example, I do not identify with negativity, hopelessness, or depression. There's a refusal to accept some parts of myself as valid. So when they suddenly start to permeate my entire life, I am no longer "myself". I have lost my true identity, which is defined by fighting for what I want and being "strong".

Depression does change you. But it won't take away what's truly at the core, or change the fact that you are strong, resilient, and capable. Dealing with depression is incredibly hard, and requires a great deal of mental strength. Simply staying alive or getting out of bed can be a struggle. There's no simple solution to any of it, nothing that can be applied to everyone, or even to a single individual in different contexts, because humans are complicated.

If you're anything like me, I suggest accepting stillness and trying not to feel like you always have to be "on" or fighting, or strong. Trying to be in the present moment and seeing things for what they are instead of looking at where they will take you. Allow yourself to be sad, because being sad is okay. Relax and replenish the energy you don't have, and postpone fighting the good fight for a bit. Sit down, reevaluate some things, take care of yourself, and essentially, do whatever it is you need to do.

//end of some irrelevant biased bullshit advice

Little_Bird said:

Has anyone else gone through this? Even more so when you're a 7 or 8? How did you get back what depression stole from you?

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Been there, done that, allowed it drag me down to the brink of the only escape: suicide. I was a train wreck of explosive volatile contents leaking everywhere about to blow up the whole neighbourhood at slightest spark. I was so good at hiding even my family was in COMPLETE DENIAL of my serious clinical sickness once I told them.

Solution:
Professional assistance. Medication.

Eclipsed said:

I'll describe this using enneagram terms because the way I experienced the "loss of self" you've described is very much related to 7-specific concepts. Also, this is how I experience type 7 and relate to the concepts.

I understand the urge to fight that you described. But what I've come to understand over time is that although fighting is empowering, kicking and punching your way though life is not pleasant or sustainable. It takes a toll, and it definitely has on me. Ime, sevens use their feelings to get what they want or experience some sort of high from their mental state. The feelings themselves, however, are devalued. Negative feelings have no worth in themselves- sadness is seen as something to "get over" or "fix". It's a problem to solve. It is the enemy.

To not be able to move on from state of hopelessness is fucking terrifying. To stay still in undesirable circumstances is unthinkable because often sevens define myself based on what they do. It is difficult to have any real sense of permanency or seemingly unalienable characteristics this way- if you stop or slow down, you will have to confront the idea that you are your actions. That meaning, if you do nothing, you are nothing.

It's a classic case of selective identification- for example, I do not identify with negativity, hopelessness, or depression. There's a refusal to accept some parts of myself as valid. So when they suddenly start to permeate my entire life, I am no longer "myself". I have lost my true identity, which is defined by fighting for what I want and being "strong".

Depression does change you. But it won't take away what's truly at the core, or change the fact that you are strong, resilient, and capable. Dealing with depression is incredibly hard, and requires a great deal of mental strength. Simply staying alive or getting out of bed can be a struggle. There's no simple solution to any of it, nothing that can be applied to everyone, or even to a single individual in different contexts, because humans are complicated.

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I related to everything you've said in your post. Thanks for taking the time to reply!

I especially related to the feeling of if you're doing nothing, you must be nothing. That's a feeling that my closest friends have noticed and have tried to drag me out of it. I'm definitely trying to think differently and learn to slow down.

The other day I was feeling extremely guilty about taking a break. I had one of those annoying *numb* depression days and I seriously did nothing. Didn't go to work, lazed about, cried a lot. I felt so disappointed in myself. I kept thinking about all the things I could've done that day to get time closer to my goals. But I just couldn't do any of them.

At the same time, I really didn't want to be seen as weak and unfocused to my family or best friends. I was already losing my own self identity, so I didn't want the people I care about the most in my life to see me differently too.

They don't. I didn't realize I needed to hear this until I heard it (something from one of my best friends):

We Love You! Not the things you do. I mean they're pretty awesome but even if you didn't do them or if you stopped we would love you just the same. I know its hard. Believe me I'm trying to work on my own advice lol. I'll still love you just for being you. You won't be any less valuable in my eyes or anyone who loves you.

-INFJ bestie

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I think every 7 with depression needs to hear it haha. That it's okay, you don't have to be strong and perfect and constantly doing everything. Almost unconsciously measuring our self worth by what we do tears us apart when depression comes.

Eclipsed said:

If you're anything like me, I suggest accepting stillness and trying not to feel like you always have to be "on" or fighting, or strong. Trying to be in the present moment and seeing things for what they are instead of looking at where they will take you. Allow yourself to be sad, because being sad is okay. Relax and replenish the energy you don't have, and postpone fighting the good fight for a bit. Sit down, reevaluate some things, take care of yourself, and essentially, do whatever it is you need to do.

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I will, and I'm trying to. I've gotten a lot better at accepting negative feelings and sadness and letting myself feel them. But the accepting the whole, "You don't have to be strong all the time" is so much harder. It's as if my mind and body keep saying, "but I wasn't built to rest, I built to fight". I'm regaining a sense of self love as well and I'm trying to slow down and not push people away. My other best friend said the same thing, "Instead of using up that energy on your good days and essentially burning yourself out, why don't you take the time to keep building up that energy so that the bad days aren't so bad?".

Eclipsed said:

//end of some irrelevant biased bullshit advice

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It most definitely wasn't! When I read your post, I felt relief. You described on exact terms what I feel when I'm depressed and what I need to work on. It chases away those feelings of hopelessness. Thank you so much! I hope the best for you.

On lighter terms, I woke up this morning and waited for the feeling of self hatred to kick in. It didn't Looks like it's going to be a good day! I'm gonna take everyone's advice and try to replenish and heal (that includes slowing down and not burning myself out). Hope you have a good day too!

pwowq said:

Been there, done that, allowed it drag me down to the brink of the only escape: suicide. I was a train wreck of explosive volatile contents leaking everywhere about to blow up the whole neighbourhood at slightest spark. I was so good at hiding even my family was in COMPLETE DENIAL of my serious clinical sickness once I told them.

Solution:
Professional assistance. Medication.

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Yeah, my friends keep saying that I could some professional help. I used to go to a psychologist when I was a teenager, but I stopped by the time I was 19. I didn't feel the need to until now because my depression wasn't as strong after I turned 19 (it went into remission or something?) and I wasn't being attacked by suicidal thoughts. I almost killed myself back when I was 17. I'm glad I didn't.

However, the suicidal thoughts are coming occasionally and that's not good. Yesterday was such a crappy day, ugh. I laughed at those thoughts quite cynically, with a sense of "Oh joy. They're back". I'm seriously considering taking professional help, but I'm gonna first try to take everyone's advice and start taking the natural medicine I took when I was a teenager. Hopefully, it'll work.

Thanks for replying! Keep going and don't look back