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This first video depression had taken me, but the worst was over... but I was still pretty darn depressed man. I explain why in the video, but I was at the point of a turn, where I was moving away from depression. I woke up and just started to talk to my camera, with this one. When I say a savior isn't coming for you, I am not dissing "Christianity", I am a Christian of sorts, I am just stating a fact, in such depressive states if no one is around, you're going to have to make the decision to pull yourself out of it, to make the effort. it doesnt matter what or who you believe in, it will depend on you.


This is also a audio recording I made a week before this, http://vocaroo.com/i/s0UiXyfIlCCl

so what you hear was me still suffering through it. I am passed it now.

It's slowly returned, it's winter but somehow the warmth has made its way to me, under my feet. Before I felt like the foundation beneath me had opened, like a sink hole, and I found myself in a dark space, and gravity held me there, in the depths of a heat that I really felt like I could not contain. But I could no longer run from, nor deny, the reality of my state and life. No one was around, and the distance from the surface on both sides was the same. She had left me, my friends were no more, and no one I could reach for guidance -- and I had to just face it, full force, and it was very heavy, the force of my own negativity.


But the thing about time, the wounds begin to heal little by little, but they never heal fully, and scars always remind you of it's trauma, when it was sliced by life. But a new orientation to experience can emerge, where pain is felt instead of reacted too, and happenings around you, begin to take on a more impartial form, and no longer drain you, but enlighten you, lighten your load. And, although you loss, you will have not loss the lesson, but instead use it for what is really your own.


With time and realizations of the situation, I came to a point of stability, and I feel like there is ground to walk on again. But it still hurts of course. But what can I say, this is planet earth? A strange world, a bizarre beauty. The problem is she was the first of many things for me, as a result, the trauma is deeper. But it's okay, I'm alive, im on a planet, that is revolving around a sun, sun which is a dot among billions of other suns, within an galaxy that is a dot among many other galaxies. My smallness shows me something very real about all our situations.
I listened to a track by Kendrick lamar ( "u") a lot through this and one of Kid Cudi's tracks (Solo Dolo), sometimes you have to remember that everyone is in a great battle, and greatest ones are fought with oneself. its something to always keep in mind. Your not the only one suffering, so embrace that fact, everyone is, find strength in the reality that your not alone, even if you think you are. What we do is not only for ourselves, and those closest, but the whole world.
 
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