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What are INFPs like when they are starved for a human connection? It's difficult for me to even put into words. No matter how hard I try to explain it, people always find a way to make it my fault. They blame it on my shyness or my tendency to guard myself until I can trust someone. They tell me to open up more, to try a different job, to try a different environment, to stop being so shy. When all I really need is for someone to just tell me that I'm not insane.

I never realized how much I needed a connection with someone until I didn't have it. Every time I start to build a friendship with someone, it just falls apart. That person becomes too tired, too busy, or too preoccupied with their own friends to think about forming a friendship with someone new.

Everyone's go-to excuse is that they are busy. I understand that people can't drop everything to have a heart-to-heart with me, and it's wrong to ask them to. But I can feel myself starting to get desperate. I've always had this deep rooted need to connect with people. I am an introvert at heart, so I welcome alone time. But even though I enjoy being alone, I can't bear being lonely. I don't know how else to explain it.
 

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Hello fellow INFP, I'm here to tell you, You're not alone at all!
I am actually going through this same problem, I have been going through this for years.
it was this indescribable human connection I was searching for since forever ,honestly. I couldn't find it. At one point in my life
I started to find it, as If they we're soulmates then each time I find it, they just drift away. I couldn't understand why. They became too busy with bigger & better things, so they just left me in the dust. I couldn't fucking understand. I began getting super frustrated and as of lately I hadn't been trying to make friends at all. The whole art of making friends, Is to not make them. Sometimes you have to let situations work themselves out. Sometimes you don't need to take the initiative. You probably need to wait for that person who actually wants to make the effort. Normally when I have to initiate the first conversation, I have to initiate everything. It gets fucking exhausting.
 

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I can relate. It's a cruel irony that when we are full of happiness and bubbling with enthusiasm people want to be around us, but when we hurt and feel lonely nobody does. It can be really hard to make friends when few people understand us.

It's very hard to think you have friends, but they all make excuses when you want to hang out. I understand you when you say you like to be alone, but can't bear being lonely. They are completely different things.
 

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*Big hugs* I get you. You're not insane. It's tough to find deep connections. It seems like most people like to keep things shallow and easy. Keep your heart open and your chin up. There are people like you out there looking to make a good friend. You're in the land of INFPs now and you can believe we're all right there beside you. Right everyone? :happy: I think we can build up our strength here and then take it out into the real world.
 

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Even the loner gets lonely. I feel like it's hard to have both. It's hard to have relationships to an extent for the simple fact of sometimes I just want to be alone, do things on my own. Sometimes I don't. Having a person understand these aspects help, but I don't know I think people get tired of being blown off when they want something and I don't want to be bothered, expect when I do and they remember when I didn't. Or that they expect me to be more like them to make things a little easier, because an attempt to understand is such hard work?

Luckily I have people in my life, I'm willing to step a little out of my comfort zone for and give up some of my me time when they call, cause they have shown me patience and understanding, so fair trade. That's all I ever wanted. True friends right there.
 

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Yeah.. I've jumped to drastic measures to try to fill that empty space in me that yearns for human connection. Plenty of times, I've made a fool of myself--trying to contact ex-girlfriends, trying to fix the wrongs in my life (or someone else's life), saying things I should have probably kept to myself, trying to connect with people whom I work with that could give two shits about what I'm talking about, etc etc
 

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True friends, deep connections, even spending quality time with another...they are hard to come by. I daresay I've struggled with trying to obtain and develop meaningful connections with other humans for my entire life. I am quite an introvert and loner at heart, but at the same time, we all need interaction and real friendship just the same. I relate to what everyone has been saying here; it's hard to balance both quality, well-needed time alone and quality, well-needed time with others. I have lost potential connections and friendships over attempting to strike this balance.
On the other hand, it would be nice to have friends who were more "regular", by that being they weren't busy all of the time with one thing or another. My friend and I have talked about this a lot; others we know simply just don't put in the effort to stay in touch or get together more. I feel like I am grasping at straws with these people. I put in my effort and try, but get little in return. It would be a nice change if we all could meet halfway.
 

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@endlessdaydream you expressed this feeling beautifully. You are not insane and me as well as other INFPs, I'm sure, are right there in the same boat with you. I could probably count on one hand the number of truly close relationships I've had with people. Most of which didn't last very long due to having to move around so much and me not being very good at keeping up long distance relationships. That's why I'm thankful for having found this forum where there's people I can at least relate to and they can relate to me.
 

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Something that helps me cope with this feeling is remembering all of the people I've rejected in the past. It helps me "Get real.", as the great ESTJ Dr. Phil would say.

I guarantee every INFP here has rejected people who wanted to be their friend because they considered the person lame. In turn, that lame person has rejected people they consider lame.

It's just the state of affairs. Finding mutual level interest in romance and friendship is rare-ish. This doesn't mean you should stop searching for it. Just don't dwell in victimhood in the process.

Treat the people who come into your life well. Don't expect anything back. And vow to treat those who treat you well with love in return.

Take longing for deep connection with one special person as evidence that you've not been loving yourself sufficiently lately. Ask yourself why that is and do something about it.
 

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Take longing for deep connection with one special person as evidence that you've not been loving yourself sufficiently lately. Ask yourself why that is and do something about it.
This is a constant mental war inside my mind. :confused:
 

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You're not alone! Before college, it was so difficult to find friends I could befriend, so in college, I acted as an extremely extroverted version of myself (attending parties and joining organizations), "put myself out there" as my family and friends kept telling me to do. Even among crowds of acquaintances and friends, that gnawing feeling never went away.


Of all the friends I made in college, I only remained friends with three and still can't connect with them as deeply as I desire to. I still feel that desperation as you described, but to a much lesser degree because I've become more realistic about not expecting friends to be perfect, to fit every single role I'd like them to have because it's unfair to them. Every once in a while I'd fall back onto my old habits and fantasize about "those perfect friends" whom I can share my deepest secrets and darkest fears, the ones who can sit with me in silence and understand my emotions without my vocalizing it. While the feelings during those fantasies are wonderful, I found that I was disappointed when no one seemed to measure up. That's where my flaw lay. I expected my friends to be perfect, when I am imperfect myself.


Sometimes you will meet hundreds of people in a room, but you find you can't connect to them personally and that is okay. Most of who you meet won't stay long enough to be your best friends. That is okay too. It's sad that we can't stay friends with all who we meet and click with so when it does happen, we cherish it that much more.


We all feel the need to connect with others. One other thing that I realized and want to mention is why I felt I needed to be loved by so many more people. I hated to admit this but I wanted others to validate me, to tell me that I was nice and thoughtful and caring among many other qualities. I thought that if no one told me they saw me as that, then I wasn't that. Therefore, many of my issues boiled down to lack of self-esteem, not believing I could be anything other than emotionally unstable and unlovable.


Pick one of your interests and meet some new people with same interests then go from there. If you have an idealized version of what a good friendship is supposed to be like, how they're supposed to speak, act, or feel, try to let go of those fantasies. Real friends won't ever compare. Furthermore, when you surround yourself with friends but still feel that same yearning for friends to fill the emptiness, then look inward for answers.
 
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