Joined
·
22 Posts
*EDITED* Desperate INFJ Needs Help Understanding Love of My Life, ENFJ
I am an INFJ who has been in love with an ENFJ for almost twenty years. And I still don't have him. I wonder if I've made every mistake that it's possible for an INFJ to make and I need help understanding what's going on...
We grew up together and from childhood I felt a connection with him. It was as if I understood the deepest part of him in a way that no one else did. And when he looked at me, I felt he understood me, too.
In our teens, lightning struck. Our eyes would connect, the world would fade away, and it was just he and I in a crowded room. I've never felt that with anyone else. But I was too young to realize what it meant. We never did anything about it, moved on, grew up, and I married someone else. He dated other people but never married.
For several years, I didn't see him. And yet, I never forgot him. It was as if he were a part of me; my soulmate. I was happily married. Content. But at night, sometimes I would dream about him. I would go months without a thought of him and then I would have a dream and I would think of him for days. Usually I dreamed that I was searching for him but I could never find him. Or if I found him, he never saw me. I came to believe that there was a connection between us that was unexplainable and I would just have to live with it. I went on with my life and tried to bury his memory deep inside.
Last year, my life changed; I discovered my husband was cheating. An intensely loyal INFJ, I was devestated. I mourned and grieved and started to rebuild my life. Six months ago, I saw my ENFJ again for the first time in all these years. It was like magic, all over again. We sat and talked and he opened himself up to me in a way that I am only just beginning to realize was pretty special. He's always been the life of the party, the funny guy, but I've always seen beneath that to the serious, deep, real man that he is. I was blown away. I fell even deeper in love, but for absolutely real this time. Call it the hopeless romantic INFJ part of me, but if I've loved him this long and it's only getting deeper, I can't imagine loving anyone else.
We began to text and email and carry on a long-distance...something. We talked about deep stuff. Real stuff. Fun stuff. Not every day but enough that we stayed in each other's lives for the next two months on a regular basis. Usually he initiated the online conversations; we would sometimes chat for two hours without saying anything very meaningful or important. We were just completely comfortable and natural with each other.
After two months, I began to feel that he was pulling back.The INFJ in me quickly retreated. I became scared. And I was already so deeply in love, I didn't know what to do. To be fair, he was very busy. Typical ENFJ, he was never home on any given night but was always busy "doing" with his hands in about a dozen pies. But I felt like he was rejecting me. My intuition told me he was pulling back. I wondered if it was too much, too fast. I decided to leave him alone.
I wasn't sure what was going on and began to feel that he was blowing hot and cold because he would still occasionlly seek me out online. But he never called me on the phone or did anything that was overtly flirty. I began to go back over his behavior toward me. I wasn't convinced he viewed me any differently than any of his other friends. He had never given me any indication that he viewed me romantically. The last time I had seen him, he continued to joke and laugh and treat me like everyone else. And yet, there was a subtle difference when he was around me. If I caught him unawares, came upon him when he wasn't expecting me, his eyes gave him away. There was an expression in them that caught at me, made me lose my breath. Like his soul looking into mine. It killed me; hooked me.
There were other things, too. I had noticed that when we first met again, he refused to look into my eyes at all. He would talk to me or rather "at" me, but wouldn't make eye contact. If he did, it was a glancing blow. It was so obvious that I had begun to wonder if maybe I was wrong and he wasn't really an extrovert, but was really shy instead. But that didn't add up. With everyone else, he was completely natural and confident. It was only with me that he was different and, when I thought about it, he had acted this way right before I married my husband years before. And there was always, always this tension within me when he was around, as if I were hyper-aware of him. I intuitively felt like he felt it, too, but wondered if I was imagining it.
I also noticed that he never hugged me. Never, ever. But he hugged everyone else in a friendly, affectionate way that seemed to be a part of his personality. Just not me. I wasn't included. I had even started to wonder if there was something wrong with me that he didn't want to hug me.
Over the next four months, our contact became less and less. I became desperate and yet determined not to beg. I wanted him to come to me, if he wanted me. And yet, if he wanted me even a little, I would have been willing to beg. I just wanted him. But I didn't know how to get him or if he even wanted me at all. I began to wonder if I had made a serious mistake by pulling back. I had thought he was playing games but I began to wonder if maybe he just hadn't thought I was interested. I had guarded my heart closely because I was afraid he wouldn't want it; what if he thought I didn't want his? If I were honest, I had to admit that I had carefully treated him like a friend when everything inside of me had been dying for him.
About a month and a half ago, I saw him again. I was still deeply certain that he didn't love me, that I was destined to live my life desperately loving him and pretending that I didn't. And so, I closed down my deepest emotions and pretended that I was perfectly calm and he was just a dear, treasured friend. There were no lingering glances, no accidental touches. But still...he sought me out. I told myself he was seeking out the entire group of friends. But he sat next to me, often. I felt torn, emotionally chaotic, absolutely certain one moment that he felt the same way for me and then just as certain the next that he didn't. Finally, he caught me alone in a quiet moment and started to ask the deep questions, the kind that we had once shared so freely. But I couldn't share; it was awkward and painful and I was in love with him and wanted ALL of him. And so I shared very little.
This time, when I left, he hugged me. It wasn't a friendly, arms-around-shoulders-hug that he gives everyone else. It was closer, intimate; I was the one to pull away, certain still that he viewed me as a friend. It was only later that I started to wonder... He told me specifically to keep in touch with him. I, trying to protect my heart, told him just as specifically that he could contact me if he wanted to. He told me that he hadn't seen me online lately and he seemed awkward, hesitant, unsure... I didn't know what this meant. I had felt that he didn't want to talk to me as much and so I hadn't been as available to him online but he could have called me if he had wanted to. He had my number. But he never had. I wasn't sure that I bought his reason. But the way he looked at me, it was almost as if he blamed me for our lack of communication. I was confused and didn't know what to think.
That night, I took a chance and texted him about how much I had enjoyed seeing him. He immediately texted back, asking if I was home. I said no and he texted back that we would "talk soon" and that he wasn't very busy over the next week. I thought, "Ok, I've done my part," and I didn't reply and just waited. I waited for a month. Out of the blue two weeks ago, he contacted me again, wanted to know how I was doing and told me a little bit about his "busy" life. We chatted online for an hour and then I initiated the goodbye, told him I loved talking with him but had to go. The truth is, I could have sat up all night talking to him and I don't want to be that girl! I'm so confused by him that I don't know if he wants me or not. My INFJ intuition says yes, but my INFJ need to protect myself says maybe not.
Why isn't he being bolder if he truly wants me? Is he just being nice to me because I'm a friend who's gone through a rough time? Or is he an ENFJ who's afraid of my rejection? I will tell you that my intuition says he's in love with me. But my logical brain keeps making me doubt because he's never actually done anything that could be considered romantic.
Should I take a chance? Should I open up more and be more vulnerable with him or should I just continue to wait?
Thank you in advance for your advice.
I am an INFJ who has been in love with an ENFJ for almost twenty years. And I still don't have him. I wonder if I've made every mistake that it's possible for an INFJ to make and I need help understanding what's going on...
We grew up together and from childhood I felt a connection with him. It was as if I understood the deepest part of him in a way that no one else did. And when he looked at me, I felt he understood me, too.
In our teens, lightning struck. Our eyes would connect, the world would fade away, and it was just he and I in a crowded room. I've never felt that with anyone else. But I was too young to realize what it meant. We never did anything about it, moved on, grew up, and I married someone else. He dated other people but never married.
For several years, I didn't see him. And yet, I never forgot him. It was as if he were a part of me; my soulmate. I was happily married. Content. But at night, sometimes I would dream about him. I would go months without a thought of him and then I would have a dream and I would think of him for days. Usually I dreamed that I was searching for him but I could never find him. Or if I found him, he never saw me. I came to believe that there was a connection between us that was unexplainable and I would just have to live with it. I went on with my life and tried to bury his memory deep inside.
Last year, my life changed; I discovered my husband was cheating. An intensely loyal INFJ, I was devestated. I mourned and grieved and started to rebuild my life. Six months ago, I saw my ENFJ again for the first time in all these years. It was like magic, all over again. We sat and talked and he opened himself up to me in a way that I am only just beginning to realize was pretty special. He's always been the life of the party, the funny guy, but I've always seen beneath that to the serious, deep, real man that he is. I was blown away. I fell even deeper in love, but for absolutely real this time. Call it the hopeless romantic INFJ part of me, but if I've loved him this long and it's only getting deeper, I can't imagine loving anyone else.
We began to text and email and carry on a long-distance...something. We talked about deep stuff. Real stuff. Fun stuff. Not every day but enough that we stayed in each other's lives for the next two months on a regular basis. Usually he initiated the online conversations; we would sometimes chat for two hours without saying anything very meaningful or important. We were just completely comfortable and natural with each other.
After two months, I began to feel that he was pulling back.The INFJ in me quickly retreated. I became scared. And I was already so deeply in love, I didn't know what to do. To be fair, he was very busy. Typical ENFJ, he was never home on any given night but was always busy "doing" with his hands in about a dozen pies. But I felt like he was rejecting me. My intuition told me he was pulling back. I wondered if it was too much, too fast. I decided to leave him alone.
I wasn't sure what was going on and began to feel that he was blowing hot and cold because he would still occasionlly seek me out online. But he never called me on the phone or did anything that was overtly flirty. I began to go back over his behavior toward me. I wasn't convinced he viewed me any differently than any of his other friends. He had never given me any indication that he viewed me romantically. The last time I had seen him, he continued to joke and laugh and treat me like everyone else. And yet, there was a subtle difference when he was around me. If I caught him unawares, came upon him when he wasn't expecting me, his eyes gave him away. There was an expression in them that caught at me, made me lose my breath. Like his soul looking into mine. It killed me; hooked me.
There were other things, too. I had noticed that when we first met again, he refused to look into my eyes at all. He would talk to me or rather "at" me, but wouldn't make eye contact. If he did, it was a glancing blow. It was so obvious that I had begun to wonder if maybe I was wrong and he wasn't really an extrovert, but was really shy instead. But that didn't add up. With everyone else, he was completely natural and confident. It was only with me that he was different and, when I thought about it, he had acted this way right before I married my husband years before. And there was always, always this tension within me when he was around, as if I were hyper-aware of him. I intuitively felt like he felt it, too, but wondered if I was imagining it.
I also noticed that he never hugged me. Never, ever. But he hugged everyone else in a friendly, affectionate way that seemed to be a part of his personality. Just not me. I wasn't included. I had even started to wonder if there was something wrong with me that he didn't want to hug me.
Over the next four months, our contact became less and less. I became desperate and yet determined not to beg. I wanted him to come to me, if he wanted me. And yet, if he wanted me even a little, I would have been willing to beg. I just wanted him. But I didn't know how to get him or if he even wanted me at all. I began to wonder if I had made a serious mistake by pulling back. I had thought he was playing games but I began to wonder if maybe he just hadn't thought I was interested. I had guarded my heart closely because I was afraid he wouldn't want it; what if he thought I didn't want his? If I were honest, I had to admit that I had carefully treated him like a friend when everything inside of me had been dying for him.
About a month and a half ago, I saw him again. I was still deeply certain that he didn't love me, that I was destined to live my life desperately loving him and pretending that I didn't. And so, I closed down my deepest emotions and pretended that I was perfectly calm and he was just a dear, treasured friend. There were no lingering glances, no accidental touches. But still...he sought me out. I told myself he was seeking out the entire group of friends. But he sat next to me, often. I felt torn, emotionally chaotic, absolutely certain one moment that he felt the same way for me and then just as certain the next that he didn't. Finally, he caught me alone in a quiet moment and started to ask the deep questions, the kind that we had once shared so freely. But I couldn't share; it was awkward and painful and I was in love with him and wanted ALL of him. And so I shared very little.
This time, when I left, he hugged me. It wasn't a friendly, arms-around-shoulders-hug that he gives everyone else. It was closer, intimate; I was the one to pull away, certain still that he viewed me as a friend. It was only later that I started to wonder... He told me specifically to keep in touch with him. I, trying to protect my heart, told him just as specifically that he could contact me if he wanted to. He told me that he hadn't seen me online lately and he seemed awkward, hesitant, unsure... I didn't know what this meant. I had felt that he didn't want to talk to me as much and so I hadn't been as available to him online but he could have called me if he had wanted to. He had my number. But he never had. I wasn't sure that I bought his reason. But the way he looked at me, it was almost as if he blamed me for our lack of communication. I was confused and didn't know what to think.
That night, I took a chance and texted him about how much I had enjoyed seeing him. He immediately texted back, asking if I was home. I said no and he texted back that we would "talk soon" and that he wasn't very busy over the next week. I thought, "Ok, I've done my part," and I didn't reply and just waited. I waited for a month. Out of the blue two weeks ago, he contacted me again, wanted to know how I was doing and told me a little bit about his "busy" life. We chatted online for an hour and then I initiated the goodbye, told him I loved talking with him but had to go. The truth is, I could have sat up all night talking to him and I don't want to be that girl! I'm so confused by him that I don't know if he wants me or not. My INFJ intuition says yes, but my INFJ need to protect myself says maybe not.
Why isn't he being bolder if he truly wants me? Is he just being nice to me because I'm a friend who's gone through a rough time? Or is he an ENFJ who's afraid of my rejection? I will tell you that my intuition says he's in love with me. But my logical brain keeps making me doubt because he's never actually done anything that could be considered romantic.
Should I take a chance? Should I open up more and be more vulnerable with him or should I just continue to wait?
Thank you in advance for your advice.
I mean...I think you should...cuz otherwise you will be left wondering all the time. If it doesn't work out at least you know you tried and then you can start looking elsewhere...I mean there are a lot of other guys out there even if it doesn't work out...even other ENFJ's you might come across who would love to have you in their lives!
