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OK so im 32, and My wife is really starting to criticize my behavior...

Im messy.

I cant get off my computer, my research is borderline obsessive, and it takes away from sleep...

Ive no real apparent feeling side, tho things can get me emotional, but it must come from a pure source.

I sweat and am jittery from absorbing too much information at one time..

I think about things she thinks are different or weird..

Im frustrated when people do things I find pointless.

I get mad when things I know are true and real are not easily understood by others, then when asked to back up my data, I say I cant, its intuition...

She doesnt understand why I dont want to do anything with her, her family or her friends, EVER. and they are good people..

She is an ENFJ

Im not saying sympathize with me, but maybe if enough of you can relate, she will see a pattern...

Im desperate guys my relationship with her is so important, but she acts like I have a medical condition and I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Can you guys respond as if it were to her, maybe letting her know Im not the only one.

Im not looking for sympathy or an excuse to continue doing things the way I want, and I know somethings I can change, but I think she feels that something is wrong with me, I told her its just who I am.. I was an extrovert at the beginning of our relationship, something changed when I accepted my way of thinking..


Please guys, I dont know what else to do. Her name is Shawn, again, she is an ENFJ

thanks for any insight you could provide her with, I want to show her this thread once I get some replies.
 

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What are you researching?
 

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Dear Shawn,

Let me dispense with the usual banter about how different types of people are...ya know, different. I'm sure you're intelligent enough to appreciate your husband's idiosyncrasies and enjoy the quirks he might bring to the table. Seriously though, the whole "I don't like to do things with her, her friends, or her family" thing seems a little weird to me. I feel like you should cut him a break on the rest of that shit, because, well, I can relate to it (and I want my own break, ok?) but the part I mentioned should be one of those "compromise" things. He's going to have to suck that one up.

Best,

Haldir
 

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Hey Shawn,

If you're wondering if your husband has a medical condition, please check out the thread "You Know You're an INTP When..." Seriously. I also felt like something was fundamentally wrong with me until I read that thread and realized that there are people like me out there in the world, it was like coming home. As for the other issues in your relationship, work those out as you will, but you gotta start from a place where you accept your husband for who he is and compromise from there.

Good Luck,
Deanna
 

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She doesnt understand why I dont want to do anything with her, her family or her friends, EVER. and they are good people..
Marriage=Contract.

Once you signed that contract, for better or worse, you promised to perform certain duties as a husband for the benefit of your wife. Now I don't think spending a little time with her and her family is too much to ask. I'm not sure how you guys did not establish the type of relationship that would be acceptable to both of you before marriage.

Your life isn't "your" life anymore once you get married. All assets, money, etc, is jointly owned now. On a less technical level, this means her family is your family now.

I think showing her a thread you started trying to justify your behavior will only make your situation worse. I advise against it.

And it would personally piss me off if someone publicized my personal problems to complete strangers then expected me to find insight in what the strangers said.

Imagine if I went in front of a judge and said: "Your honor, there is nothing wrong with this person. People steal property every day. In fact, this is normal behavior. I mean, look how many thieves are in jail."

Not to say INTPs are thieves, but justifying behavior based on MBTI is sort of taking the easy way out and is not a very convincing argument to present somebody, particularly a wife who no doubt does not want to hear excuses, but instead wants to see action.

So take her out for a nice dinner, buy a nice bottle of wine, then see if you can make her happy so she'll leave you alone and not bother you about your anti-socialness. Perhaps the woman just needs a little attention. Not too much to ask.


If she's not happy after you show a little effort, then I'll be happy to write a letter to Shawn.
 

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OK so im 32, and My wife is really starting to criticize my behavior...

Im messy.

I cant get off my computer, my research is borderline obsessive, and it takes away from sleep...

Ive no real apparent feeling side, tho things can get me emotional, but it must come from a pure source.

I sweat and am jittery from absorbing too much information at one time..

I think about things she thinks are different or weird..

Im frustrated when people do things I find pointless.

I get mad when things I know are true and real are not easily understood by others, then when asked to back up my data, I say I cant, its intuition...

She doesnt understand why I dont want to do anything with her, her family or her friends, EVER. and they are good people..

She is an ENFJ

Im not saying sympathize with me, but maybe if enough of you can relate, she will see a pattern...

Im desperate guys my relationship with her is so important, but she acts like I have a medical condition and I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Can you guys respond as if it were to her, maybe letting her know Im not the only one.

Im not looking for sympathy or an excuse to continue doing things the way I want, and I know somethings I can change, but I think she feels that something is wrong with me, I told her its just who I am.. I was an extrovert at the beginning of our relationship, something changed when I accepted my way of thinking..


Please guys, I dont know what else to do. Her name is Shawn, again, she is an ENFJ

thanks for any insight you could provide her with, I want to show her this thread once I get some replies.
I actually think it is you that needs to open up.

I have been together with an ENFJ for 15 years. It actually works very good although she sometimes gets irritated for me thinking to much and doing to little. One of the reasons that has made it work good is that I made sure to give her time every day undependently if I want to or not.

What you are saying to Shawn is that she must be open for your needs to be alone but you shall not be open for her needs to be together. Seriously. Why would she like to be together with someone that only takes his own needs seriously?

So I think you are being selfish. Turn off your computer and start to do things with your wife and her family. Thats what she needs. You will loose her unless you start to meet her needs.

About being mad for someones opinion being not logical. I have gone in that trap many times as well. What we INTPs need to understand is that for the Fs it doesnt really matter if it isnt logical. For that reason we INTPs must be more tolerant in such discussions.

You also needs to understand that just because you find something pointless doesnt mean it is pointless to others. So why be frustrated about it when the outcome distant you from other people which makes you life harder to live?

Same thing about people dont understand. People are different.
 

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You are using your MBTI typing as an excuse. You also seem to be quite arrogant. These descriptions aren't concrete for (most) people; everyone is capable of performing all other functions. If you love your wife, the only intelligent thing to do is to compromise.

We can all relate to at least certain parts of your post, but a relationship is give and take. In the given context, it does not sound like you are doing much giving. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional, so if things are truly serious, you should seek professional help.
 
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Dear Shawn and @2fast4u2 ,

Apologies for sounding harsh, but you two need to grow up. As a couple, both of you fail. You married this guy didn't you? I doubt any of these personal quirks spontaneously appeared after marriage. Was he not messy before he got married? Was he super social and loved hanging out with your friends and family prenuptial? Answers are probably no, right? You knew this going in. Thus, have some patience, and realize that this is just who he is.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean he doesn't need to grow up as well. I've painstakingly outlined how to improve each of the points, so, OP, read up, and start improving! Don't use your MBTI as an excuse to be a slob.

Im messy.
-> Your wife is probably upset because she has to pick up after you. Clean up after yourself. Is it really that hard? If so, hire a maid please.

I cant get off my computer, my research is borderline obsessive, and it takes away from sleep...
-> Your research isn't obsessive, you are. Set specific benchmarks for completing your work. Force yourself to finish work at 12, or any hour you two agree to be decent. She's worried about your health. Be grateful someone cares more about your body than yourself.

Ive no real apparent feeling side, tho things can get me emotional, but it must come from a pure source.
-> Unfortunately, that's just who you are, nothing to change here, nothing needs to. She needs to understand that you express your feelings differently than other people.

I sweat and am jittery from absorbing too much information at one time..
-> You got a physical problem. See a doctor.

I think about things she thinks are different or weird..
-> Shawn, you need to broaden your horizon. Just because your husband thinks about odd things doesn't mean it's pointless. Things are weird only because you choose to not understand them. I'm not saying you should try to understand your husband's daydreams, but at least keep an open mind about it, and realize it's healthy.

Im frustrated when people do things I find pointless.
-> I do too. However, OP, you need to improve your EQ. Part of self improvement is learning not to be easily affected by other people. Do the things they do impact you physically? If not, why be bothered or frustrated by them? Meditate, learn to control your anger and frustration.

I get mad when things I know are true and real are not easily understood by others, then when asked to back up my data, I say I cant, its intuition...
-> Try to learn how to articulate yourself better. Realize that when people don't understand you, it's not because they're dumb, it's because you're not capable of explaining them in a way they understand. Improve your vocabulary, and try to think of ways to help other people understand complicated concepts. Also, meditate, see above.

She doesnt understand why I dont want to do anything with her, her family or her friends, EVER. and they are good people..
-> Both Shawn and OP need to read this: you guys are married, it's all about compromises now. OP, you can't be a child and just refuse to do stuff with people she deem important. See it as your duty as a husband to blend into her world. Shawn, you need to be flexible, and understand that OP doesn't really enjoy these outtings. Thus, try to ask him to go to only the most important gatherings. OP, when she asks, GO!

Again, both of you need to grow up, and learn to compromise. That's what marriage is all about. You two need to understand each other better, and be a bit more considerate. I hope you see this as an early warning sign and start improving your relationship. Nobody said marriage is easy, but both parties need to know when to make a concession.

Hope this helps, damn, my fingers hurt :bored:

Love,
Alphacat
 

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Dear Shawn,

Give 2 Fast 2 Furious more sexytime and he may in turn cut down on computer twilight time.
 

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So... it has come to this.
 

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Rule 1 of INTP club, if you need help that involves relationship understanding, ask someone else. or prepare for ridicule
 

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OK so im 32, and My wife is really starting to criticize my behavior...

Im messy.

I cant get off my computer, my research is borderline obsessive, and it takes away from sleep...

Ive no real apparent feeling side, tho things can get me emotional, but it must come from a pure source.

I sweat and am jittery from absorbing too much information at one time..

I think about things she thinks are different or weird..

Im frustrated when people do things I find pointless.

I get mad when things I know are true and real are not easily understood by others, then when asked to back up my data, I say I cant, its intuition...

She doesnt understand why I dont want to do anything with her, her family or her friends, EVER. and they are good people..

She is an ENFJ

Im not saying sympathize with me, but maybe if enough of you can relate, she will see a pattern...

Im desperate guys my relationship with her is so important, but she acts like I have a medical condition and I feel like I am in the twilight zone.

Can you guys respond as if it were to her, maybe letting her know Im not the only one.

Im not looking for sympathy or an excuse to continue doing things the way I want, and I know somethings I can change, but I think she feels that something is wrong with me, I told her its just who I am.. I was an extrovert at the beginning of our relationship, something changed when I accepted my way of thinking..


Please guys, I dont know what else to do. Her name is Shawn, again, she is an ENFJ

thanks for any insight you could provide her with, I want to show her this thread once I get some replies.
right i will try and be serious and helpful.

If you partner has problems with you in areas such as being messy, then showing her that you are not messy, that u have grown up as such will help, be less messy, not for yourself but for her, make it look like you are making an effort for her.

It looks to me like you have someone who shows love in a different way, what ways does she show that she loves you? show her in similar ways, the ways of you showing love may not feel as good as they would to you.

You are trying to make her understand how you are and that it is normal for the way you behave, and it is, But the fact is both of you will have to have a better understand of each other, talk to each other and explain the problems to each other and both come up with a way to work thru it. if you want her to understand you, she will want the same, maybe even changing a few little traits you have, just while you are with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Lol, I expected an array of "helpful" comments..

Should have also stated that I am a w.a.s.p. and she is a catholic Jamaican... So theres that too....

Otherwise thanks for the replies, and yes I need to see a doctor, that was never in question.. lol..

I wanna come back and finish replying, we are heading out for the day, again thanks guys.. I know Im flawed, to say the least..
 

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Unchecked dominant Fe is going to want you to conform to whatever it wants you to do, be a little bit too bossy, and be around people all the time.

Unchecked dominant Ti is going to want to sit at home by itself all day, studying what makes the universe work, without any interruptions or noises from people.

There's nothing wrong with either of you. You just need to find a true middle ground so that both of you are getting what you need. Compromise. Be respectful of each other's needs.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Unchecked dominant Fe is going to want you to conform to whatever it wants you to do, be a little bit too bossy, and be around people all the time.

Unchecked dominant Ti is going to want to sit at home by itself all day, studying what makes the universe work, without any interruptions or noises from people.


There's nothing wrong with either of you. You just need to find a true middle ground so that both of you are getting what you need. Compromise. Be respectful of each other's needs.

had to reply to this from my iphone, man... I need to do a little more studying on our different types... This couldnt be more the case.. thank you.

be back later, me and her had a nice chat last night, and most of you are right, such a lack of communication... Weve been together for 10 years.
 
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