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Discussion Starter #1
Hi,

I have some questions regarding a potential diagnosis or enlightenment about me, am I normal or not ? I'm french so my english isn't that good, I hope it will be clear though. Nobody is normal and I know it, but by not normal, I mean potential psychosis, mental disorders, etc ?

I have some background in my family (my uncle is schizophrenic, my father is something else, but i'm not sure what exactly, he may be a narcissist but I don't know for sure, and my grandfather had a mental disease as well, but we never got to know what it was).

I've had a difficult childhood, some traumatic events changed my way of perceiving the world at some point, I did depersonalization and tried to kill myself twice cause it came to the point I didn't feel like I was alive anymore, it felt like I was in a dream (I'd watch my arm and make it bleed until I didn't feel a thing anymore). I spent two months in a psychiatric hospital, I pretended I was better in order to get out, they didn't diagnose me with anything but truly, I put a mask on for them not to see anything, it wasn't a call for help, I wanted to end it all. I was intending to kill myself but someone helped me without even noticing it for a long time and now I'm out of this phase. I'm a lonely person, I don't like people, I only care about the ones close to me in a strong way. Someone of my family died two years ago, I felt like she was a second mother to me. My suicidal episodes came in almost a year before she passed, she had an alzheimer and we were really close, so as she was shutting down it felt like I did the same. A week before she passed, I had an argument with my aunt and we physically fought. I felt like at that moment I was only responding the way people wanted me to, like I was replicating only, like there was no " me " anymore. I felt an agression (my father hit me several times as a child, so when she pretended she was going to slap me, I saw red and I saw that as an attack) and felt like she threw herself at me, so I responded, or it felt like we did it at the exact same time. I know today my point of view was biased at the time, apparently I came at her first and she just defended herself, but I truly don't remember it being that way. Anyway, my question is, if it's not psychosis, why did I act this way ? This is a seriously biased point of view, I felt like I could feel what others were feeling without truly feeling it, I just knew and I could act on it.

My theory is that I felt like I was dead inside and I was slowly shutting down my mental system so there were limited options to respond to interactions, and in order to distance myself from people I needed to convince myself I just responded to people the way they wanted me to. I remembered the way I was supposed to feel for my mother for example but I was only pretending. My feelings are back now, I'm stable but this part of my life is still a part of me. I know I had PTSD at some point, which led to depression and depersonalization, but I'd like to know more. Could you help me know more about myself ? I would like answers so much.

After that person died, I felt like it was a rebirth, in a good and in a bad way, it was like I got out of a coma and I realized she was gone. It was really foggy. The others attachments I had were like reinitialized for most of them, the pretending part and the depersonalization was really hard to take away, for example for a year and a half I didn't even care about what happened with my aunt cause I thought we had equal responsibility and because she wasn't important to me (when I was a child she was). So yeah, I started over. I'm talking about psychosis cause my behavior at that time seems like it was truly, truly, out of normality.

I'm an INTP, type 5w6 (I was part of the unhealthy levels, 7-9 seem relevant)

Level 7: Become reclusive and isolated from reality, eccentric and nihilistic. Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulse others and all social attachments.

Level 8: Get obsessed yet frightened by their threatening ideas, becoming horrified, delirious, and prey to gross distortions and phobias.

Level 9: Seeking oblivion, they may commit suicide or have a psychotic break with reality. Deranged, explosively self-destructive, with schizophrenic overtones. Generally corresponds to the Schizoid Avoidant and Schizotypal personality disorders.)

I'm not good with people, socially, I don't know how to respond, I don't think it's autism because I have an emotional understanding of things/people. But yeah, sometimes I can respond in an inappropriate way, either being too cold or trying to be " nice " - but people don't respond as if it's " nice ", but more like it's awkward so I guess I do something wrong ahah -.

And I think I make bad transferts when I talk about things, like sometimes, people don't understand what I mean, I make paths between things and when I explain them to people, they don't understand them, and I don't know if it's because my semantic system is working too well or if it's because it is biased. I say this cause I feel like it could be a symptom perhaps of something I haven't found yet ? It happens a lot actually, and mostly when I'm in class. (I'm just going to put an example for the ones whom it may interest : in psychology, we were talking about chance, for example in lottery and the way people responded to the possibility they may win, and I immediately made a link with terrorist attacks, lottery having a positive valence whereas terrorist attacks have negative ones. To me, the impact of the events takes the upper hand over the low probability of winning, positive events meaning " he has lost, so I can win " or " he has won, I better buy a ticket right now and give it the best shot ", and negative events meaning " Nobody is safe, it can happen everywhere, I better stop going out right now ". Chance isn't something we're used to accept, humans always try to rationalize it and make some logic out of it. But the truth is, stopping ourselves from going out and buying tons of lottery tickets aren't going to make up for the fact that it's still chance, and the chance to get blown or to win a big price is very, very, unlikely to happen considering the statistics. Is that totally biased ? Or is it that I express myself badly when I talk ? Cause the teacher said she didn't understand why I was comparing both of them, and honestly, things like that happen all the time with different teachers)

I know it's long, it's just been on my mind for quite a while. If you could enlighten me or discuss it with me, it'd be great. Thank you :rolleyes:
 

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Post traumatic stress disorder, used to be afflicted with it but it heals after time. You have bad nightmares? If so, you may need SSRIs to inhibit/block dreaming.autism is only relevant if you have less than average mirror neurons in your mind. My cousin had aspergers.heres the general rule of thumb:
1. Buy a book on art of facial features such as emotional expression.
2. Less is more in conversation.
3. When someone raises their voice to you, it's means that aren't pleased with you.
if your psychotic you need antipsychotic meds to drop your dopamine levels. You taking stimulants, drugs or excessive alcohol with infrequent sleep? Those things can cause you to become psychotic. You maybe bipolar 1 also if your experiencing psychotic episodes.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
@maenad

I don't have bad nightmares.

1 -> I know a lot about that, I analyze people all the time, including when they raise their voices for example, it's just I don't know what in my behavior can cause them to react this way, that's why I took the example of what could be a " bad transfert ".

I'm not bipolar, I'm stable most of the time, I don't have big changes in my feelings. And no, I'm not taking stimulants, drugs or excessive alcohol.
 

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These forums really aren't an appropriate place to diagnose problems. It sounds like you have a history of mental health issues, so I would say you probably have something that could be diagnosed by a professional who can give you the attention and focus that you deserve. But there's no way for psychosis, neither active nor latent, to be diagnosed over the internet.

I will make one point though.

If you were in a psychiatric hospital for two months, you have a diagnosis. They might not have told you what it is, but hospitals don't take patients without giving them at least a provisional diagnosis. It's critical for insurance reimbursement, to conceptualize your case for effective treatment planning, and for knowing when milestones have been reached in order for you to be discharged. I can see them deferring a diagnosis for a 2 or 3 hour stay, but for anything longer than that they're going to have some kind of diagnosis. For two months? They're absolutely, 100% going to have a diagnosis.

I'd advise making an appointment with a local mental health agency and letting them know your history of hospitalization. That way you can get services, get an update on how you're doing from a mental health perspective, and they can even request the records from that hospital.
 

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@Usernamexd i'm sorry you are having a tough time.. i looked up depersonalization disorder and it sounds like you may have had bouts of that. psychosis can be a result of trauma, my advice would be to start writing like your autobiography. it can be trying and difficult and emotionally taxing to revisit your past and take a closer look at traumatic events so i would suggest only doing this if you feel ready and/or have a good support system in place, such as a good counselor or psychiatrist/psychologist. i say this because doing that helped me eventually get past some traumatic event in my life and i think maybe it will help you too to see more clearly and to help you express your trauma, both of which i think are necessary or helpful in healing from it. i don't know your story or where you are in life, but if you have attempted suicide, obviously something is greatly amiss. do you have any close relatives you can confide in barring the guidance/listening ear of a counselor or psychologist? there's also a website called seven cups of tea that i've heard good things about. it might be a nice place to go to talk about whatever.. in any case, please try to stay positive and hope everything is for the best for you..
 

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@maenad

I don't have bad nightmares.

1 -> I know a lot about that, I analyze people all the time, including when they raise their voices for example, it's just I don't know what in my behavior can cause them to react this way, that's why I took the example of what could be a " bad transfert ".

I'm not bipolar, I'm stable most of the time, I don't have big changes in my feelings. And no, I'm not taking stimulants, drugs or excessive alcohol.
ok than the only possibility is psychotic features from depression or schizioaffective disorder which is a cross between bipolar and schizophrenia. Not all ptsd people have all symptoms. General avoidance is often a symptom of ptsd though. Bipolar 1 honestly doesn't fluctuate as often as youded assume. You think it's just a manifestation of the psychosis? I once had it happen to me, because I used to smoke weed and had a dealer lace it with PCP. Luckily my doctor prescribed antipsychotics. Ptsd you have to confront head on. My suggestion is that plus psychotropic medication to help ground you better.
 

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Also autism spectrum is linked to deficient mirror neurons in the brain. Not saying you have it, my best guess is your psychosis is making you mistake the information you take in. That maybe it?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
These forums really aren't an appropriate place to diagnose problems. It sounds like you have a history of mental health issues, so I would say you probably have something that could be diagnosed by a professional who can give you the attention and focus that you deserve. But there's no way for psychosis, neither active nor latent, to be diagnosed over the internet.

I will make one point though.

If you were in a psychiatric hospital for two months, you have a diagnosis. They might not have told you what it is, but hospitals don't take patients without giving them at least a provisional diagnosis. It's critical for insurance reimbursement, to conceptualize your case for effective treatment planning, and for knowing when milestones have been reached in order for you to be discharged. I can see them deferring a diagnosis for a 2 or 3 hour stay, but for anything longer than that they're going to have some kind of diagnosis. For two months? They're absolutely, 100% going to have a diagnosis.

I'd advise making an appointment with a local mental health agency and letting them know your history of hospitalization. That way you can get services, get an update on how you're doing from a mental health perspective, and they can even request the records from that hospital.

I agree about the fact that this is not be the right place for this. I was honestly looking for discussion about all of this because I was trying to figure it out. I'm honestly more stable now and I think apart from PTSD/depression/depersonalization, I don't have psychosis or other issues, I just think I've been through some traumatic events, as @MsBrightside said, and it changed my way of perceiving life. I also think PTSD has led me to distance myself from people, making me even more introvert than I used to be, which today makes me " weird " around people I don't know or want to know. PTSD made me distance myself from life as well, to me, I was dead inside and there was no coming back, most people never face that kind of things, they are preoccupied by less complicated things. I think too much and I have still a bit of PTSD left in me, which enhance my distance from people and life, even though I'm feeling much better.

I had made two suicidal attempts before I got to the psychiatric hospital, the reason why they wouldn't let me out was because they had to be sure I wouldn't make a third attempt, cause if I had done another, it would have been their fault legally speaking, that's why they couldn't let me out before. Also, I went to two different hospitals cause the first one was closing for holidays ahah. My total stay was not two months but a month and a half, in the second hospital, they had to start over again cause the files weren't sent to the hospital, the other hospital just said that two weeks weren't enough.
During those two months, I never had any medications and I could see clearly the difference between others (diagnosed or/and under medications) and me. I indeed got out by lying but it was rational at the time, I knew the only other way to get out was to get cured and I didn't want help, I just wanted to die. The diagnosis was depression and the symptoms were suicidal attempts, I told them about depersonalization but I didn't know at the time I had experienced PTSD, that was the " diagnosis " they had, and that's really what led me to my suicidal attempts.

Thank your for your answers though.
@ClOwNkInG Thank you for your help, but it's not because I theorized that I may have psychosis that I do have it. Bipolar issues have up and downs. Before my suicidal attempts, I was empty, no big ups or big downs. It was just empty. Bipolar issues are caracterized by differences throughout the time, and I had no differences at all. I don't have schizophrenia, I know the symptoms, my uncle is ill, I never got delusional. About the PTSD you're right, though, but I'm dealing with it right now with a clearer head and I'm feeling much better. I wouldn't have been able to get out of the psychiatric hospital without anti psychiatrics if I had had a real issue, of that I'm sure. The only thing they tried to get me was some medication to sleep better cause I told them I had some issue with sleeping. I met 3 psychiatrists, and none of them prescribed me medication, and they gave lots of them to multiple patients. During my month in the adult area, we were two with no meds, and the other one had been put there because he had drank too much too many times (he stayed two weeks).
 

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I agree about the fact that this is not be the right place for this. I was honestly looking for discussion about all of this because I was trying to figure it out. I'm honestly more stable now and I think apart from PTSD/depression/depersonalization, I don't have psychosis or other issues, I just think I've been through some traumatic events, as @MsBrightside said, and it changed my way of perceiving life. I also think PTSD has led me to distance myself from people, making me even more introvert than I used to be, which today makes me " weird " around people I don't know or want to know. PTSD made me distance myself from life as well, to me, I was dead inside and there was no coming back, most people never face that kind of things, they are preoccupied by less complicated things. I think too much and I have still a bit of PTSD left in me, which enhance my distance from people and life, even though I'm feeling much better.

I had made two suicidal attempts before I got to the psychiatric hospital, the reason why they wouldn't let me out was because they had to be sure I wouldn't make a third attempt, cause if I had done another, it would have been their fault legally speaking, that's why they couldn't let me out before. Also, I went to two different hospitals cause the first one was closing for holidays ahah. My total stay was not two months but a month and a half, in the second hospital, they had to start over again cause the files weren't sent to the hospital, the other hospital just said that two weeks weren't enough.
During those two months, I never had any medications and I could see clearly the difference between others (diagnosed or/and under medications) and me. I indeed got out by lying but it was rational at the time, I knew the only other way to get out was to get cured and I didn't want help, I just wanted to die. The diagnosis was depression and the symptoms were suicidal attempts, I told them about depersonalization but I didn't know at the time I had experienced PTSD, that was the " diagnosis " they had, and that's really what led me to my suicidal attempts.

Thank your for your answers though.
@ClOwNkInG Thank you for your help, but it's not because I theorized that I may have psychosis that I do have it. Bipolar issues have up and downs. Before my suicidal attempts, I was empty, no big ups or big downs. It was just empty. Bipolar issues are caracterized by differences throughout the time, and I had no differences at all. I don't have schizophrenia, I know the symptoms, my uncle is ill, I never got delusional. About the PTSD you're right, though, but I'm dealing with it right now with a clearer head and I'm feeling much better. I wouldn't have been able to get out of the psychiatric hospital without anti psychiatrics if I had had a real issue, of that I'm sure. The only thing they tried to get me was some medication to sleep better cause I told them I had some issue with sleeping. I met 3 psychiatrists, and none of them prescribed me medication, and they gave lots of them to multiple patients. During my month in the adult area, we were two with no meds, and the other one had been put there because he had drank too much too many times (he stayed two weeks).
id complain to the facility about you basically not receiving the care you needed or possibly your insurance.
 
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