So, I just found out/got the gumption to create a blog on this thing. (Well, I know that I had a blog, I just didn't know if I wanted to post in it.)
It actually might help to have a blog on here, considering I actually am on this site a fair bit of time. Right now, I'm contemplating going to bed, while watching Mythbusters.
I absolutely love this show, though right now, I'm beginning the "paranoia" part of being sleep deprived. It's fun!
I wanted to kind of talk about how it's been annoying lately, trying to turn off my mind when I want to go to sleep. It seems as though I stay up for around an hour or so just trying to quiet my mind. It can be something as innocuous as just meditating a bit, or whatever, but it seems as though my mind is CONSTANTLY going around and around.
I'm looking into doing more yoga and such, because I feel so much better mentally/physically after I do yoga, though for some reason I can't be arsed to do it as much as would be beneficial for me. I think it maybe laziness, but I've noticed a strange amount of.... soft....almost subconscious resistance around the fact of doing yoga.
On one hand I really like it, etc, but on another side, I think I'm rather scared at the silence that happens in my mind when I do yoga with proper concentration/breathing. It's like I'm afraid of that silence, but I also crave it. It's almost like a black void that happens in my mind, where I'm just PRESENT, in the moment, everything is just alive, and I'm so aware. I wonder if I believe that I'm not worthy of being silent like that in my thoughts? I do constantly over-think everything though. That's part of my problem. I think that my mind LIKES to think, and it does so with gusto, but it needs to know when to shut off as well. It just feels as though a thought is not complete unless I go all the way around, and through it, and above, and below it.... It's just not complete until I see it from all angles.
Lately, that's been really annoying me.
And that brings me to religion. I have found that when I was more of a practicing Wiccan, that I was very happy, but when I tried to be less spiritual because of some outside influence (society), that I'm not so much happy. I truly felt close to the God and Goddess, though I have convinced myself that, since I can't prove that they are there, then I can't have a relationship with them, and that I'm deluding myself into thinking that they are there. I just feel rather lost religiously. I'm trying to tell myself that I don't need it, and I don't think it's really a NEED, but more of a WANT. I WANT a religion, and to quit drifting...but I really need to look deeply into myself to figure out what I actually do believe, and how I want to go about it. Socially, I get along with pretty much everyone, so that's not really a concern, and I prefer to practice a religion solitary instead of in a group. I feel that it's a very personal thing to actually practice a religion, and don't feel comfortable worshiping/practicing with other people.
Ah well, I suppose that's just another thing that I need to sort through. It does baffle me how people can just go with what was taught to them when they were little, accept it as true, and take it to their grave. Do they have no thoughts, or do they just believe with what was originally placed to them? It also amazes me that they are HAPPY not questioning it. Most people are happy not questioning anything... I don't know, it's amazing.
Also, something has been bothering me. I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to criticism, and I hate it. If someone says something negative to me, I internalize it so much, and vow to change it, though I'm not sure why. Is it just to please...or, is it something else? I'm TIRED of feeling this way, like I have a radar stuck to my head that constantly picks up the wants/needs of other people. It's exhausting to know them all the time. I'll probably elaborate on this in another post. I wish there was some way to block it, without getting drunk/getting high.
I really hope that I get to go outside after my nap, and work in the garden. I need it. It will be a rejuvenation from what I normally have to do, which is just hang out inside with lots of people at my job. I really would like to get a job where I'm outside more often, especially in the summer. I get so much spring/summer fever, just because I'm expected to be inside all the time, and I get strange vibes of myself being weird if I just want to go off on my own and walk outside. I don't know, I'm probably over-thinking it again, but I wanted to get that off my chest as well.