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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare. I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
 

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INTJs generally dislike being told what to do.
INTJs generally dislike being around people.
INTJs generally dislike being told to be around people.
 

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Depends on how you said it I guess. I mean I think that is a perfectly fine piece of advice to give. Even INTJs shouldn't spend all their time in their house. Two of my INTJ friends have been told by their doctors to start taking vitamin D tablets since they don't get enough sunlight. Social interaction & being outside is important for any type.
 

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he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare.
We stay in the house because people do the opposite of make us happier more often than not.

Your comment was like telling a person with a headache to listen to rock music to improve their mood, when in effect what they needed was probably time alone to recover.

I'm fine with social things, have friends and a girlfriend and whatever, but when I retreat to the quiet it is because part of me screams that it is quiet and not social noise that I require for happiness.

Understand, then provide competent insight. You probably had good motives and were telling your friend what made sense to you, but if you didn't understand your friend first... well, please don't ask us the basics of being a good friend, it would be a tad too ironic given this is the INTJ subforum and you are an ESFJ, apparently.
 

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The advice was sound, but I wonder if we have all the necessary context here. What were you discussing before this? Did your INTJ friend express dissatisfaction with anything or did you just assume he was unhappy about something?

I doubt you've screwed up too much with him. If he cares enough about your opinion to get upset over it, he probably cares enough about you to try to fix whatever's going on.
 

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I don't think you were entirely wrong. To be frank and I know immature INTJ's will disagree (or not) but getting out of the house is not exactly kryptonite. For years I was told that I should at least make an effort, smile, try to be aware that I do come across as cold, mean, resolute, and uninterested and how I was utterly confused when people just didnt like me. Well some people also because I was just a lot more studious than they were. The truth is, you do have to make some kind of effort. I think at the end of the day, this INTJ knows deep inside that you are correct. He's just not at that place where he is ready. So hearing unwarranted advice will upset him.
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare. I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
Even if you tried to help, you should understand that befriending people isn't easy for introverts in general, and personally I don't like to be told what I have to do, as I'm aware of my own weaknesses. Apart, the death stare isn't really related to being pissed off, but it's more of a default expression while INTJs are thinking, so changing that expression is a bit difficult to be honest.

Besides, for me at least is bothersome to stay with too much people during a while, as I feel drained, and I'm not exactly small talk friendly, as for me is a waste of time. So maybe your friend also had experienced something similar and for that reason he isn't fond of meeting new people. If you want that he befriends more people, then I suggest to check first if you find someone that could share your friend's interests, as that is a good starting point.

Other thing that make everything more confusing is that INTJs have different main functions than ESFJs, so that also can add another layer of weird things and skewed perceptions as well. So don't feel bad if you don't understand his reactions, as it is something common, so if you think that you messed up, then the most probable reason is that your POV differs from the POV of your friend.
 

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You might ask, why don't you want to leave the house? Is he depressed? (sounds like depression to me) Has he had trouble finding pleasant social interaction, or finding enough reasonable people to talk to?

With INTJ: asking is sometimes better than telling. Pose a question, and then wait through the ensuing silence without talking. Most people break after about a minute or so.

I think there might be something else going on there, and if there is, saying fix the symptoms without fixing the problem could be a little frustrating.
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier
i think the word happier was the mistake. i'm 48 and grownup, and it still pisses me off when other people take it on themselves to assume they know what would make me happy. on top of that, when i'm UNhappy, i don't like how them using that word lets me know they've noticed. unhappiness is very private to a lot of introverts. it's not that we won't talk about it, but we want to be the ones who start the conversation, not the other person. i believe in your intentions, but he might have felt like you'd just blown right past all his privacy rules and arrived in his bedroom while he had all his clothes off.
 

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He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
Why do you think your notion of "positive" is the same as his? Because you enjoy being nice to people and smile while he enjoys being nice to himself and not smile for people that did nothing to deserve that?
Which one is right or wrong? Now you should get it.
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare.
You might find it hard to believe but he is not you... My dear ESFJ.

I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ?
Ironically, your honesty is making everything even worse. By the way, I think he's not "pretty anti social" but you are probably very abrasive. His outlook on life is bigger than you can imagine. Not because you are simpleminded, but because he is "different" and not shoving it down your throat. You didn't screw up but obviously made a mistake. We are patient creatures but that doesn't mean you always know the right thing to do and capable to solve everything, including our very personal problems.

I dont get it?
*facepalm*
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare. I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
INTJ or not, he should be able to go out in the world once in a while. He doesn't even have to go party, like you stated. Maybe going out to a park or to a friends house or to a library. He seems a bit depressed as he is displaying signs similiar to what I display when life is taking a dump on me. He will come around, INTJ's tend to think things through and then move on :)

As for the "death stare" thing, I think it's something he doesn't realize he is doing. I am known to do this when I think and it is pretty default. Though I have gotten better at it and it's now referred to as a "blank expression" rather than a death stare :tongue:
 

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You might find it hard to believe but he is not you... My dear ESFJ.


Ironically, your honesty is making everything even worse. By the way, I think he's not "pretty anti social" but you are probably very abrasive. His outlook on life is bigger than you can imagine. Not because you are simpleminded, but because he is "different" and not shoving it down your throat. You didn't screw up but obviously made a mistake. We are patient creatures but that doesn't mean you always know the right thing to do and capable to solve everything, including our very personal problems.


*facepalm*
As an INTJ, I agree with the OP. He doesn't have to change his ways but rather open up and go out once in a blue moon instead or perpetuating an INTJ stereotype. Unless he is content the way he is (which doesn't sound like it), I think perhaps he should venture out when he feels ready.
 

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Yeah, it's possible he might have felt like you were trying to change him more into your image (assuming that, according to your type, you not only find it easy but pleasurable to go out, smile, and connect with people). However, that doesn't mean your advice isn't generally good: we could do with a little bit less cave time sometimes. If he responded the way he did, he probably either felt judged or attacked or frustrated because he hears it all the time. Doesn't mean you were in the wrong or that he wasn't being a bit immature about things. I'm sure he'll come around. We don't like being told what to do but we'll give it some thought if its genuinely good insight.
 

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Blowing up in your face seems like a bit of an overreaction, but I can definitely see where he is coming from. I'm more introverted than most introverts I know, and it gets very irritating when people fail to understand that being introverted is not a condition that needs to be treated. The same satisfaction that you get from hanging out with friends, he will achieve by spending time alone. I can just relate because whenever I talk about my problems to anybody, they almost always relate it to me spending so much time alone, when that has absolutely nothing to do with it. And unless he is depressed or something, being introverted does not make him a negative person. If you think he is depressed, just express your concern for him, but don't try and push him into doing anything about it. INTJs don't like that and he may have his own way of dealing with it.
Anyway, just explain to him that since your opinions about social interaction differ, you mistakenly assumed that him going out more would make him happier, and did not realize that could come off as disrespectful of his viewpoint. Then apologize if you want. If he's still mad at you after that, he's just being a drama queen.
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare. I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
You may think of the death stare as a bad thing, but think about this - how long do you think it took him to refine it to that point? He probably put a lot of hard work into it.

Subtlety is key with INTJs, just as long as they don't see it as 'setting up for an an ambush'. Sounds like you came on too strong and were too direct.

You should consider how much he values your opinion - it's easy to assume you're at a safe distance because he isn't lashing out or pushing you away, but it seems pretty clear to me, that to him you must have crossed the line. I couldn't see an INTJ blowing up like that unless they had already bottled up a lot of prior frustrations w/ the person. Have you considered a mistype? ISTJs can be particularly uninviting at times, and very territorial about their personal space.

FWIW

Source: INTJ father, ISTJ brother.
 
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We are introverts... Such people get exhausted from social interactions.
Also you said that he was a bit anti-social...
Now did you really expect that an introverted anti-social guy, would smile to new people and try to befriend them...
 

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Yeah, that was some silly advice, all things considered. I think blowing up over it was just as silly. I'd have rolled my eyes, said something abrasive, and thrown you from my house for about 24 hours. That'd be about it, though.

Your friend, by the way, probably isn't "antisocial"...which actually refers to a serious, and often sadistic, personality disorder. You mean that he's...well...the "I" in INTJ should say it all, no? An introvert.
 

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So there's this INTJ I know who completely blew up in my face when I told him that he could be happier if he tried leaving the house more often and made greater effort to befriend people, like atleast smile when around new people instead of looking pissed off and scaring people off with his damn death stare. I honestly only had good intentions here, I wasnt trying to force him to come to parties with me or anything, I know thats not his thing :/ He's pretty anti-social and I guess I thought suggesting he change his outlook on life to something more positive would help. Did I screw up with this INTJ? I dont get it?
How do you mean, he blew up in your face? Do you know it was specifically what you said that upset him, or was it just a trigger for him to release his anger/upset at something else? Is there something going on in his life that could be making him very stressed. I wouldn't always assume it's what you've done that's caused the problem, it's good to look around for other contributing factors.

That aside, I agree your wording wasn't great. Next time, why not just say something like 'Hey, you seem a bit down lately. Want to go see a film/play some videogames/do something?' then it's more of a friendly offer rather than a 'I know what's best for you' moment (obviously, you didn't mean it that way, but it could be perceived as such).
 
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