Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have an entj friend who has been through a lot the past few years. She had a baby with a guy she didn't know very well and they have been having problems since day one. Usually I just listen as she lets off steam and calls him a horrible bastard amoung other things. He's really not a bastard though. He took his parenting role very seriously from day one, he dotes on the child, he bought my entj friend an iPad, a new phone, and a new car, because her old one was on the way out and he wanted her to have something safe and reliable for the child. From what I can make out, he's been really good to her. He just didn't want a relationship with her, and she did, and I think the rejection is clouding her judgement of him. She complains that he can't do anything right and only she can take care of the child, and she's running herself ragged because of it.

She said that things had got so bad between them that they needed to go and see a mediator to help arrange visits. She showed me the text messages they sent back and forth and they really did look very cordial, and it looked to me like the guy was trying, so I said so. She ate the head off me, saying "How does that look like he's trying?" She really laid into me. I said I didn't think I'd be a very good friend if I wasn't honest, but she only wanted someone to complain to. I don't think it's fair to continually complain to someone and when they try to offer a different perspective, to bite their head off. Like I said, she's had her fair share of tragedy the past few years, so I forgive her for being snappy, but I can't sit by and agree to things I don't agree with.

I know that she just wanted someone to listen while she ranted on, but I just felt like I needed to tell her my honest opinion. I think if I was a yes man that it would contribute to her hating him even more, and in the long run it would do more harm than good. It took a lot of guts to tell her my honest opinion, ( I'm an enfp) and I'm not even sure if I should have. I sent her a long email the following day, explaining things to her, but I haven't heard anything back.

Do you think she'll appreciate my honesty in the long run or should I have just kept my opinion to myself? It really isn't any of my business afterall.
 

·
Chatterbox, MOTM August 2013
Joined
·
10,959 Posts
Do you think she'll appreciate my honesty in the long run or should I have just kept my opinion to myself? It really isn't any of my business afterall.
No. It's not. Stay out of it. Problem solved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
No. It's not. Stay out of it. Problem solved.
So if she takes over the conversation and only talks about her problems in the future and nothing else, I should say I don't want to hear about it, and talk about the weather instead?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
This doesn't sound like an ENTJ to me...
Well, she's not really acting like herself lately. She's definitely an entj.
 

·
Chatterbox, MOTM August 2013
Joined
·
10,959 Posts
So if she takes over the conversation and only talks about her problems in the future and nothing else, I should say I don't want to hear about it, and talk about the weather instead?
Ya. Exactly.

First of all, I'm with @Chipps , how is this ENTJ related? Your post belongs in another forum.

Secondly, if you don't want to hear about it, tell her, not us. We don't want to hear about it, either.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Ya. Exactly.

First of all, I'm with @Chipps , how is this ENTJ related? Your post belongs in another forum.

Secondly, if you don't want to hear about it, tell her, not us. We don't want to hear about it, either.
Because I wanted an entj perspective on the matter? Since she's an entj?

I don't mind listening to other peoples problems, I just take issue with them when they make no attempt to solve them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
This sounds like someone with a fragile ego who didn't take being dumped very well. It sounds like she's making it her purpose to punish him and make him sorry for leaving her. In reality he's probably thinking to himself ..."self, good call". Basically, it's not her type, it's HER. She has a fragile ego and a big mouth...best to stay away from toxic people like that.

Edit: And don't hold back when you are speaking up for something you feel strongly about. Technically, she was bitching to you so that means you weren't butting in. I for one am glad you spoke up and I don't think you should regret it. She's selfish and too busy worrying about her ego to be a decent Mom. She's going to stress that poor kid to the max using him or her as a pawn. She needs more people to tell her what's up.
Don't regret it, it will make you doubt yourself and start suppressing your Te. Even if you think it wasn't a great call, never regret it. Be proud that you stood up for what you believe in. Don't apologize either; It's the truth and it's her problem if she can't handle hearing it. Maybe she should stop bitching to you if she doesn't like your opinion on it :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
I would like to add something to enfpleasantly 's excellent comment: Don't regret what you've done, but do take a moment to think about what you were trying to really accomplish (Ulterior motives exist in everything we do. It's best to be honest about those), and whether or not you achieved it. Bank that knowledge for future use.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
This sounds like someone with a fragile ego who didn't take being dumped very well. It sounds like she's making it her purpose to punish him and make him sorry for leaving her. In reality he's probably thinking to himself ..."self, good call". Basically, it's not her type, it's HER. She has a fragile ego and a big mouth...best to stay away from toxic people like that.

Edit: And don't hold back when you are speaking up for something you feel strongly about. Technically, she was bitching to you so that means you weren't butting in. I for one am glad you spoke up and I don't think you should regret it. She's selfish and too busy worrying about her ego to be a decent Mom. She's going to stress that poor kid to the max using him or her as a pawn. She needs more people to tell her what's up.
Don't regret it, it will make you doubt yourself and start suppressing your Te. Even if you think it wasn't a great call, never regret it. Be proud that you stood up for what you believe in. Don't apologize either; It's the truth and it's her problem if she can't handle hearing it. Maybe she should stop bitching to you if she doesn't like your opinion on it :)
Thanks for that.

Her brother died 2 years ago and they were really close. It hasn't been easy for her.
I think it's easy to just say someone is toxic and to walk away,
but when under stress, none of us are fun to be around.
Personally I'm a fucking nightmare when I'm under more stress than I can handle, I wouldn't like it if people walked away from me in that situation, and luckily, they haven't.

I'll be here for her if she needs me, and if she doesn't, then I guess she can manhate with her cronies and see where that takes her.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Enfpleasantly

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Thanks for that.

Her brother died 2 years ago and they were really close. It hasn't been easy for her.
I think it's easy to just say someone is toxic and to walk away,
but when under stress, none of us are fun to be around.
Personally I'm a fucking nightmare when I'm under more stress than I can handle, I wouldn't like it if people walked away from me in that situation, and luckily, they haven't.

I'll be here for her if she needs me, and if she doesn't, then I guess she can manhate with her cronies and see where that takes her.
Oh I absolutely agree. It just sounded like she was very toxic to me. Yes, stress can bring out the ugly in us, but that doesn't mean we get a free pass to treat people like crap. Don't let her walk on you, no matter how awful her life is. Being there for her is awesome, just don't start walking on eggshells around her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I would like to add something to enfpleasantly 's excellent comment: Don't regret what you've done, but do take a moment to think about what you were trying to really accomplish (Ulterior motives exist in everything we do. It's best to be honest about those), and whether or not you achieved it. Bank that knowledge for future use.
Hhhm interesting.

The only one I can think of is that I wanted to excercise my Te,
because my overactive Fi was causing me to resent her, for using me as a dumping ground for her problems.
I was being overly understanding of her woes, (Fi gone wild) and allowing her to take over every conversation with her complaints.
Any time I disagree with something she says, she makes an argument,
that sounds really plausable at the time, but later I realise I was right.
I bring it up the next time, and she comes up with another argument, and my Fi just can't take the uncomfortableness of a conflict, so I end up agreeing with her, just so we can all get along.
But I'm sick of being such a pussy.


She should have been a lawyer, like our teachers in school were always saying.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Oh I absolutely agree. It just sounded like she was very toxic to me. Yes, stress can bring out the ugly in us, but that doesn't mean we get a free pass to treat people like crap. Don't let her walk on you, no matter how awful her life is. Being there for her is awesome, just don't start walking on eggshells around her.
Yeah exactly. I think that's what I need to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
Hhhm interesting.

The only one I can think of is that I wanted to excercise my Te,
because my overactive Fi was causing me to resent her, for using me as a dumping ground for her problems.
I was being overly understanding of her woes, (Fi gone wild) and allowing her to take over every conversation with her complaints.
Any time I disagree with something she says, she makes an argument,
that sounds really plausable at the time, but later I realise I was right.
I bring it up the next time, and she comes up with another argument, and my Fi just can't take the uncomfortableness of a conflict, so I end up agreeing with her, just so we can all get along.
But I'm sick of being such a pussy..
This is why I gave that addendum. We make decisions almost immediately, and we can only compensate/fix what happened when the cat gets out of the bag. This is why enfpleasantly's advice is good. You made a snap call and got your head chewed off. Being hard on yourself wouldn't fix that.

However, questioning *why* you did something is very useful afterwords. It tells you what to do next. She was bugging you, something was going to eventually snap. Being honest about it (as opposed to feeling 'I was doing something pure and noble/good/etc...,) allows you to then deal with things to cut to the heart of the matter. In this case, you're now figuring out how to reestablish some boundaries in a friendship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
This is why I gave that addendum. We make decisions almost immediately, and we can only compensate/fix what happened when the cat gets out of the bag. This is why enfpleasantly's advice is good. You made a snap call and got your head chewed off. Being hard on yourself wouldn't fix that.

However, questioning *why* you did something is very useful afterwords. It tells you what to do next. She was bugging you, something was going to eventually snap. Being honest about it (as opposed to feeling 'I was doing something pure and noble/good/etc...,) allows you to then deal with things to cut to the heart of the matter. In this case, you're now figuring out how to reestablish some boundaries in a friendship.
Yeah you're right.
I would have snapped and I have done in the past. It wasn't pretty.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
147 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
So what I should really gain from this is that I'm just boring to ENTj's and that's why she takes over the conversation?
To avoid listening to my boring drivel? Great. Problem solved so.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bumblyjack

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
So what I should really gain from this is that I'm just boring to ENTj's and that's why she takes over the conversation?
To avoid listening to my boring drivel? Great. Problem solved so.
No, it's that lots and lots of people come here asking for advice and describing their problems with an ENTJ. They tend to make the ENTJ sound like an ass, or extremely difficult. A lot of times, it's not even a for sure thing that the person is ENTJ, but because the person is described as an ass, the writer says they're an ENTJ (not saying that's what you did). So, these are the responses most of those posts get. That is also one of the reasons why it's annoying to them to see so many relationship questions...because it's always the other person describing their difficult, and even sometimes borderline abusive "ENTJ".
 

·
Chatterbox, MOTM August 2013
Joined
·
10,959 Posts
@MyBigToe
Your comment:
So what I should really gain from this is that I'm just boring to ENTj's and
that's why she takes over the conversation?
To avoid listening to my boring
drivel? Great. Problem solved so
.

No, it's that lots and lots of people come here asking for advice and describing their problems with an ENTJ. They tend to make the ENTJ sound like an ass, or extremely difficult. A lot of times, it's not even a for sure thing that the person is ENTJ, but because the person is described as an ass, the writer says they're an ENTJ (not saying that's what you did). So, these are the responses most of those posts get. That is also one of the reasons why it's annoying to them to see so many relationship questions...because it's always the other person describing their difficult, and even sometimes borderline abusive "ENTJ".
@Enfpleasantly: That sounds so much more diplomatic than if one of us would have said it, but spot on ;)

But, you left out this part (and this is the part that really bugs us): see comments below:

No. It's not. Stay out of it. Problem solved.
She sounds like a ( insert a few very derogatory names here ) and has some issues. Best bet is to get away from her. She'll find someone else to whine to.
This sounds like someone with a fragile ego who didn't take being dumped very well. It sounds like she's making it her purpose to punish him and make him sorry for leaving her. In reality he's probably thinking to himself ..."self, good call". Basically, it's not her type, it's HER. She has a fragile ego and a big mouth...best to stay away from toxic people like that.
OP, you asked us for our opinion. We gave it. We probably didn't tell you what you wanted to hear, so you kept posting. And posting. And posting. It's not going to change our opinion. It's obvious to us that you're not going to take our advice, so there comes a point where we just don't care to listen anymore and why you get replies like this one from @Miss Scarlet:




The only person who is still engaging you is Enfpleasantly, and she's not an ENTJ. You asked for our perspective, we gave it. Please move on.
 
1 - 20 of 28 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top