Did I scare off this male INFP?
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I'm a female ENFP, mid thirties, went on date# 2 with a male INFP who I really like. We met online about a month ago. Arranging the first date was very slow going due to his schedule, but I also sensed kind of a cautiousness from him. We hit it off when we met in person for the first date, we seem to be very similar in temperament and interests (except I'm much more outgoing/forward), and he's much more reserved/quiet. At the end of the date I asked him if he'd like to go out again, to which he replied yes, but that he'd have to see when because his schedule was tight. We were finally able to arrange date 2, which was 2 weeks after the first date. In between dates we kept contact via email.
So, 2nd date was last night and we had a good time together. After dinner we took a walk by the water and were sitting on a park bench when I announced (in my kind of bold/forward ENFP way), that I wanted to kiss him. He looked a little startled, but said okay, and we kissed. It felt REALLY awkward though, and he stated after the kiss that he is usually VERY SLOW with dating stuff. He likened it to being plane on a runway waiting patiently for take-off and so he has time to prepare while waiting for the take-off. The fact that I threw out the first kiss was like a rocket taking off, lol! Okay, so then the rest of the evening feels really awkward, because of course I'm berating myself for ruining a potentially good start to something. He commented that he felt badly to have made me feel weird. We parted ways with a hug, but no mention of date 3. I didn't want to push it at all, and our other date was pretty open-ended. I texted him this morning to say I had a good time and enjoyed his company, but no response. I had never texted him before though, and he normally takes a day or two to respond to emails.
Have I completely scared the bejeezus out of this shy guy? Is a kiss on date 2 really that big of a deal, or is it just the implications of a potential relationship that scares the crap out of him? Can we recover from awkward first kiss, or has hope been lost? What do I do. Oh, and one last thing is that he said it was actually "quite endearing" that I was so open and direct with my feelings, and that he was aware that that statement might seem like BS to me after his reaction to the kiss. Help!
So, 2nd date was last night and we had a good time together. After dinner we took a walk by the water and were sitting on a park bench when I announced (in my kind of bold/forward ENFP way), that I wanted to kiss him. He looked a little startled, but said okay, and we kissed. It felt REALLY awkward though, and he stated after the kiss that he is usually VERY SLOW with dating stuff. He likened it to being plane on a runway waiting patiently for take-off and so he has time to prepare while waiting for the take-off. The fact that I threw out the first kiss was like a rocket taking off, lol! Okay, so then the rest of the evening feels really awkward, because of course I'm berating myself for ruining a potentially good start to something. He commented that he felt badly to have made me feel weird. We parted ways with a hug, but no mention of date 3. I didn't want to push it at all, and our other date was pretty open-ended. I texted him this morning to say I had a good time and enjoyed his company, but no response. I had never texted him before though, and he normally takes a day or two to respond to emails.
Have I completely scared the bejeezus out of this shy guy? Is a kiss on date 2 really that big of a deal, or is it just the implications of a potential relationship that scares the crap out of him? Can we recover from awkward first kiss, or has hope been lost? What do I do. Oh, and one last thing is that he said it was actually "quite endearing" that I was so open and direct with my feelings, and that he was aware that that statement might seem like BS to me after his reaction to the kiss. Help!
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Don't push him.. I don't think the kiss itself is a bad thing, but what it represents may have him confused and trying to sort out his feelings. INFPs don't like pressure in relationships.
Hrm, I move wicked fast on dates, but I can see how other INFPs may be snail-like.
Without trying to insult your taste in men, this guy sounds somewhat psychologically immature and leads me to believe that you're not really at fault.
INFPs can be scared of commitment early on sometimes while they get a feel for things. The two week break between dates sounds really odd if you like someone, could also sound like hiding though, but hard to say from just a few paragraphs.
I'm sure he's somewhat intimidated, but it may be because of lack of experience or in all honesty, interest. With that said, if he keeps going out on dates with you then you can at least speculate he's interested to some degree.
A few of the things you said make me want to slap my INFP brethren around though. Sorry about the un-due stress
Without trying to insult your taste in men, this guy sounds somewhat psychologically immature and leads me to believe that you're not really at fault.
INFPs can be scared of commitment early on sometimes while they get a feel for things. The two week break between dates sounds really odd if you like someone, could also sound like hiding though, but hard to say from just a few paragraphs.
I'm sure he's somewhat intimidated, but it may be because of lack of experience or in all honesty, interest. With that said, if he keeps going out on dates with you then you can at least speculate he's interested to some degree.
A few of the things you said make me want to slap my INFP brethren around though. Sorry about the un-due stress
He could be blaming himself for the awkwardness and failure of the second date. Try to express to him how much you like him and try not to bring up the awkward kiss moment. I think INFP's, surprisingly, have a lot of pride.
If I were him I would have appreciated you being so forward. It sounds like maybe there might be some personal emotions he's feeling regarding dating in general due to some recent event in his life like a break up or divorce. Maybe he's scared of falling for someone that is obviously into him and doesn't want to get ditched. I'd say give it a week or maybe a little more, and if he's not a complete wierdo he'll respond to your text/email at least just to be a nice person and then you'll be able to gauge where he's at and what he's thinking. He's probably aware that girls love falling for people the first time, which means they want plenty of first times, and he doesn't want to be one of the many first times.
Thanks for the responses so far. No word back from INFP yet and i can't stop berating myself for perhaps invading his space. It's just a kiss, right? I don't know, it just feels like I ruined what could have potentially been the start of something nice. He seemed to like me, commented that he felt badly that now I was feeling weird and came up behind me and rubbed my back to comfort me. When we were saying goodbye he said "please don't feel awkward", but I feel like he's sitting at home ruminating and either saying 1. i can't believe she did that or 2. I can't believe i reacted that way. I can't figure him out, but is it so bad to want to kiss someone and then ask for it? But I guess if he really didn't want to, it would have been hard to say no.....Yes, I'm obsessing.
and i can't stop berating myself for perhaps invading his space. It's just a kiss, right? I don't know, it just feels like I ruined what could have potentially been the start of something nice. He seemed to like me, commented that he felt badly that now I was feeling weird and came up behind me and rubbed my back to comfort me. When we were saying goodbye he said "please don't feel awkward", but I feel like he's sitting at home ruminating and either saying 1. i can't believe she did that or 2. I can't believe i reacted that way. I can't figure him out, but is it so bad to want to kiss someone and then ask for it? But I guess if he really didn't want to, it would have been hard to say no.....Yes, I'm obsessing.Kiss him again. :tongue:
ñoo! I think you may need to look for a more confident INFP
Umm... I am going to use an analogy here... don't take it literally.
Have you ever tried to get a dog to play? If you run *at* him, he runs away. If you want him (the dog) to chase you, you have to run away.
As stated earlier in the thread, INFPs don't like pressure. If you push at him, he will react... not by pushing back but by resisting and seeking escape. But if you try the gentle tugs -- the "chase me" moves -- he will be much more likely to pursue.
Just about every woman knows how to tease a man into pursuing... at least way more than I could instruct. So I won't go into the "how to do it" for you. It has been a high art-form for millennia.
If he seems to you like someone you really want to know better... and are okay with the possibilities that your relationship will be more of the same (on different topics but the same tenor), then keep working at it.
Surprisingly enough, you already have a good idea of what he is like and what life with him will be like. Your unconscious has already taken a reading of him and it is pretty accurate. So take stock of that reading and decide if it is worth it to you to keep working at it... or not.
I wish you luck and success whichever way you decide.
John
Have you ever tried to get a dog to play? If you run *at* him, he runs away. If you want him (the dog) to chase you, you have to run away.
As stated earlier in the thread, INFPs don't like pressure. If you push at him, he will react... not by pushing back but by resisting and seeking escape. But if you try the gentle tugs -- the "chase me" moves -- he will be much more likely to pursue.
Just about every woman knows how to tease a man into pursuing... at least way more than I could instruct. So I won't go into the "how to do it" for you. It has been a high art-form for millennia.
If he seems to you like someone you really want to know better... and are okay with the possibilities that your relationship will be more of the same (on different topics but the same tenor), then keep working at it.
Surprisingly enough, you already have a good idea of what he is like and what life with him will be like. Your unconscious has already taken a reading of him and it is pretty accurate. So take stock of that reading and decide if it is worth it to you to keep working at it... or not.
I wish you luck and success whichever way you decide.
John
yeah he's probably blaming himself for you being awkward. I know a few years ago in a similar situation I'd do the same ><
You could straight out ask him if he's open to the idea of a third date. It'd be a good indicator.
You could straight out ask him if he's open to the idea of a third date. It'd be a good indicator.
Oh God, I think pushing for date 3 would be very bad. I've been stewing all day about how stupid I was to attempt to kiss him when I knew of his shyness, but who knew that I'd be met with the one guy on the planet who didn't want to be pursued? Maybe we'll get over this hump, but right now I just feel like the biggest, and most aggressive, jerk on the planet.
And no response to my text message of earlier
And no response to my text message of earlier
Oh God, I think pushing for date 3 would be very bad. I've been stewing all day about how stupid I was to attempt to kiss him when I knew of his shyness, but who knew that I'd be met with the one guy on the planet who didn't want to be pursued? Maybe we'll get over this hump, but right now I just feel like the biggest, and most aggressive, jerk on the planet.
And no response to my text message of earlier
And no response to my text message of earlier
I meant it more like, see if he's open to the idea.
ie. See if he's still interested.
He's unlikely to approach you and could be thinking that you don't want to go anywhere. Even if you bring it up in conversation, he's obviously going to need a little prompting, especially if he thinks he's on the back foot.
ie. See if he's still interested.
He's unlikely to approach you and could be thinking that you don't want to go anywhere. Even if you bring it up in conversation, he's obviously going to need a little prompting, especially if he thinks he's on the back foot.
I agree with unleashtheclouds and johnthementor
Ok, so I won't pressure him, but what exactly does that mean? No contact? Wait for him to respond to my text and if he doesn't, that's the end of story? Ugh, why are you guys so hard to understand ?
What in the name of God is he so scared of? It's just a kiss, it feels good, it's nice.....It's not like I was asking to jump in the sack....
I do think that he feels somewhat responsible for the awkwardness as he said something like "I tend to have that effect on people". Sigh, this is the first guy I've met, online or otherwise, that I felt that instant connection with.
?What in the name of God is he so scared of? It's just a kiss, it feels good, it's nice.....It's not like I was asking to jump in the sack....
I do think that he feels somewhat responsible for the awkwardness as he said something like "I tend to have that effect on people". Sigh, this is the first guy I've met, online or otherwise, that I felt that instant connection with.
This is all my own opinion based in part on my own position if in a similar situation.
This could be also a question of values/beliefs too. Perhaps a kiss is a real big deal to this person. Though I couldn't know. I wouldn't run away or play hard to get or anything at this point though. If he has concerns about making you feel awkward, I know, personally, I wouldn't be chasing after you if you did. He could be really busy. Who knows? I know some pretty busy people too. May take a week for them to get back to me at times. I wouldn't send too many messages without a reply, or at least a two week breather between attempts. I do like the directly asking if he is interested in a third date. It will put the question out there, show you are interested in a third date, and make it a bit difficult to avoid the question, without flat out ignoring it. If he is interested, I would think the answer would be yes. He may be guarded and/or unsure of his feelings and desire for commitment. He could be evaluation his feelings and position in life right now, before giving the go ahead on a third date. After all, date 2 was a kiss, to him... perhaps everything after this is somewhat serious?
Anyways like I said this is all my opinion, subjective at that... very speculative. In this situation, I think the best bet is to wait a little bit. Better to wait a little longer than you are used too... than jump the gun.
This could be also a question of values/beliefs too. Perhaps a kiss is a real big deal to this person. Though I couldn't know. I wouldn't run away or play hard to get or anything at this point though. If he has concerns about making you feel awkward, I know, personally, I wouldn't be chasing after you if you did. He could be really busy. Who knows? I know some pretty busy people too. May take a week for them to get back to me at times. I wouldn't send too many messages without a reply, or at least a two week breather between attempts. I do like the directly asking if he is interested in a third date. It will put the question out there, show you are interested in a third date, and make it a bit difficult to avoid the question, without flat out ignoring it. If he is interested, I would think the answer would be yes. He may be guarded and/or unsure of his feelings and desire for commitment. He could be evaluation his feelings and position in life right now, before giving the go ahead on a third date. After all, date 2 was a kiss, to him... perhaps everything after this is somewhat serious?
Anyways like I said this is all my opinion, subjective at that... very speculative. In this situation, I think the best bet is to wait a little bit. Better to wait a little longer than you are used too... than jump the gun.
: ).... yea no joke like honestly the judgments you are making about him... he's prolly making about himself as well.
Yea thats true.... it is just a kiss. You should tell him that..... maybe loosin him up a bit.
I def don't think this is a death sentence at all.
Yea thats true.... it is just a kiss. You should tell him that..... maybe loosin him up a bit.
I def don't think this is a death sentence at all.
Ok, so I won't pressure him, but what exactly does that mean? No contact? Wait for him to respond to my text and if he doesn't, that's the end of story? Ugh, why are you guys so hard to understand
What in the name of God is he so scared of? It's just a kiss, it feels good, it's nice.....It's not like I was asking to jump in the sack....
I do think that he feels somewhat responsible for the awkwardness as he said something like "I tend to have that effect on people". Sigh, this is the first guy I've met, online or otherwise, that I felt that instant connection with.
I can't really speak for moving slow, I've always been the type to take the lead in relationships when it comes to the physical aspects.
However, as John mentioned earlier..
It sounds as if he was put off by your advance, caught him off guard. You put some degree of pressure on him and he got scared. I can't speak for all INFP men, but personally, I like to do the chasing. Relationships are a game of cat and mouse on some level, it's the only way to keep both parties interested. Perhaps he prefers to be the cat? Give him a little space, wait it out, make him come to you. If he doesn't then he either isn't interested, or isn't emotionally mature enough to handle an adult relationship.
Best of luck miss.
However, as John mentioned earlier..
It sounds as if he was put off by your advance, caught him off guard. You put some degree of pressure on him and he got scared. I can't speak for all INFP men, but personally, I like to do the chasing. Relationships are a game of cat and mouse on some level, it's the only way to keep both parties interested. Perhaps he prefers to be the cat? Give him a little space, wait it out, make him come to you. If he doesn't then he either isn't interested, or isn't emotionally mature enough to handle an adult relationship.
Best of luck miss.
hey, i've been lurking on here for the longest time and i registered so i could reply to this. you sound really stressed and it doesn't sound to me like you need to be!
i really think he was just totally surprised and had no idea what to do. based on his reaction, i get the feeling he's more upset with himself than he is with you, most likely because he's really into you. the first thought that came to my head was that he was worried about scaring you off by being awkward...
so, my suggestion is that you write him a completely honest and open email and pretty much tell him everything you just told us. if it was me, i wouldn't want to try and figure out when to call or what to say or how to set up another date if i was already afraid that i was being extremely weird and awkward. so just tell him what's on your mind, don't worry about signals and timing and weird dating protocol, and he'll do the same, and you can both stop stressing and just fall in love already. :tongue:
i really think he was just totally surprised and had no idea what to do. based on his reaction, i get the feeling he's more upset with himself than he is with you, most likely because he's really into you. the first thought that came to my head was that he was worried about scaring you off by being awkward...
so, my suggestion is that you write him a completely honest and open email and pretty much tell him everything you just told us. if it was me, i wouldn't want to try and figure out when to call or what to say or how to set up another date if i was already afraid that i was being extremely weird and awkward. so just tell him what's on your mind, don't worry about signals and timing and weird dating protocol, and he'll do the same, and you can both stop stressing and just fall in love already. :tongue:
^ yeah that could work. Get everything out there in a not so frontal assault kind of way.
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