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So today, i did it, i tried to top myself, im sorry to share this on here but i dont really have many people i can turn to.Ive been on Citalopram now for 7 months, first 10mg, then 20, and the last 2 weeks ive been trying 30mg which has made me more tired, but i hoped it would get better.

I was thinking alot about my girlfriend who i split up for 3 weeks ago, badly missing her. I hate how bad i am with relationships in genral, i hate how much of a mess i get in when somone who i like, love and miss has enough of me and goes.I feel such a burden on everything, being the way i am, and im just sick of going on.Ive been googling ways i can do it, and im quite sure i will, this is the 2nd time ive tried in 2 weeks and each time im trying somthing more stupid.I hate things mess me up and just coming to a end with everything

Im sorry for such a negative post
 

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You have NOTHING to apologize for! Be as negative as you feel you need to be and get it all out. We're here for you, man.


I'm sorry you're hurting :(
 

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That antidepressant is not helping it seems. I am more depressed since they put me on it, but was taking it to decrease anxiety. It was vice versa with Zoloft. Same group of antidepressants, very chemically similar, but I am more tired and more depressed and dizzy. I am fixing to change it to something else. You are a young person and in young people some antidepressants could cause suicidal side-effects. Oxymoronic I know. But, most likely you should change your medication and see a psychiatrist again asap. I remember you mentioned this medication and you should be feeling better not worse with it. A month and more past already (usually 2-4 weeks when those meds start working). A clinical psychologist would be better who can prescribe meds and provide a talk therapy, and it would be best to seek one who does cognitive-behavioral therapy. Do not isolate and be alone for a few days. Every time you feel the impulse call someone for help. A suicide hotline perhaps. It is hard dealing with depression and the break up when you are already depressed. I wish that you feel better soon! Stay away from things that are making you even more depressed.
 

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It sounds like you're in a very dark place. Is there anyone in your life that you would feel comfortable talking to about how you're feeling? Because I don't think you should have to go through this alone. From one human being to another, I truly hope that you can make it through this and you will be in my thoughts.
 

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I really think its important that you let someone know about your struggles and what you are feeling right now. Call a hotline, or speak to a doctor, or speak to someone you can confide in that can help you.

Don't feel guilty. People with depression often feel needless guilt. You are not a burden and I'm sure you have plenty of wonderful thing to share with the world.

This too shall pass. These feelings are be temporary. Hang in there!
 

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Just gonna say i've been their. not their their never had a break up but their as in suicidal nothing matters i'm a fuck up i should kill myself, people will just stop me if i told them. it gets better, that's all i can say really. it does, it's impossible to believe i wouldn't believe it, it took going to the psych ward and even than i still didn't believe but a year later i'm not suicidal oh prpl shut up this about him he's suffering. I'm sorry.
 

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I'm also in a difficult place right now. To the point- I'm feeling trapped, like I have no control over my life... and I so know what you mean. You sound very neurotic like me. I felt a lot better once I spoke to my parents (which was uncomfortable), but they showed me that they cared and wanted to help, and it made me feel better...
I urge you to talk it out with someone. But then again, who would you talk too? You don't want to talk to someone who can't understand or relate and who'll give you some crappy advice. Why not try talking to a psychologist or something? No disrespect there friend. I'm not saying your crazy! Your just, an INFP man, like us. Were obviously not on a personal level with you, more of a friendly stranger kind of thing but we can understand, and want to help!
For what it's worth, some of the INFPs on here are like bloody psychologists (even if they don't have degrees in it), and they're INFP too, so your in the right place.
 

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First off I want to wish you all the best with this. The only thing I can say is that I do understand where you are right now and the assurance that it does get better and life will seem like it's worth living when you get through the dark. I've been on many different antidepressants but, not for depression.

They are one way they have of treating my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/M.E. Many of them have really bad side effects which is why I now avoid them and just deal with the pain on a day to day basis.

Last year was a bad year for me, I'd been living beside the neighbours from hell for about a year and a half. Non stop partying, yelling, screaming and fist fights/threats broken windows, the threat of physical violence every time I wanted to leave the house. . On top of this I was suffering pretty bad anxiety because of bullying and bitching by the two girls who shared a field with me where I keep my pony and donkey. So my lovely (and she was brilliant!) GP prescribed me Citalopram and wrote to the council on my behalf about the neighbors behavior.

She recommended I start like you on the 10mg dose. I took one tablet and never took another, I was so sick for two weeks on that one tablet alone. The rest went in the bin. I am not saying you should stop your antidepressants but you do need to find one that works well for you and it's quite obvious that this one doesn't agree. I really do think it's those that are giving you the suicidal thoughts.

If I am ever at a point where I need to take them again I will be requesting prozac which is really the only one that doesn't make me feel really dreadful.

I also went for some counselling and it really does help when you are in a bad place to talk to someone. I prefer to talk to a stranger personally in a setting like this because I feel safer, and you know that you can say anything you want without it going anywhere else.

Please make that appointment soon to talk to someone about your tablets and how you feel. It is urgent you do that now and get this sorted asap!

Good luck.
 

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Oh Targus, i'm so sorry that you are having such a struggle right now. If it helps, I am also feeling in a dark place right now and that as alone as you are feeling, you have support, even just through an internet forum like this.
I see you have been struggling in general for some time. I want you to know that however bad things feel right now, you WILL overcome them. Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow, its all about taking one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel sorrow and all those things you need to get out of your system. Relationship breakup's are just awful, I know, it feels like the whole world is going to end. You have to remember that life still goes on, as hard as that is to swallow, you will also learn from this experience. Things happen for a reason, maybe she just wasn't the right girl and in time you when you start to feel a bit normal again, you will be able to take a step back and see what went wrong and why. For the time being though, maybe the best thing would be to live as a single individual, to become more self reliant, it can be a tremendously valuable thing once you start to appreciate yourself as a person and all the individual qualities you possess as a person. You are well loved here, I know.
In the meantime, if you ever feel really low, you can pm me, there is also these really helpful people you can email(jo@Samaritans.org) who I have turned to a few times in my own life crisis's. It might also be a good idea to get yourself on a waiting list to see a therapist, you can even request to be placed on a CBT list which is a short, intensive course of therapy which might help you get out of some of those destuctive thought patterns. I hope some of the advice here and from others is a little comforting and helpful. Be safe. (((Hugs)))
 

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Just try and relax. You're not a bad person and you're not a burden on the world. Nothing lasts forever, especially the bad times, so take solace in the fact that the place you're in will end. If you have regrets, be better. Otherwise, let go and be happy for the experience. Just relax.
 

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I think girlfriends can really fuck me up. It can really have a big effect on my emotional states that I don't even take into account. I really wish I could help you more than I am. You remind me of me a lot and in some ways I wish I could hit a magic button. I'm going to tell you these things because they help me.

Do not judge or surpress whatever negative thoughts that arise in you. Just let them sit and if they hurt they hurt.... but do not make a value judgment on yourself. The presence of negative in you does not correlate with the presence of immaturity or value in you at all. Sometimes life just feels shitty. But what makes it feel infinitely more shitty is your judgment on yourself for this. Infinitely more shitty. It is also incredibly crucial to know what it is that you don't know. Take some time to sort out the assumptions you are making that you do not have enough information to make. Remember that what you fear is not a prediction or prophecy of the future. I am sure there is a lot of fear in you. It may be overwhelming... likely it is. Try to resist the tendency to want to control this and surpress it. Acknowledge it. To not demand an answer. Just be aware of your emotional state but do not make a judgment about yourself. This is just how you are at this moment. Also remember you are more than your idea of yourself. You are much more and have much more potential. Also... you are not the one to instill your own growth. It is not up to you. You don't have to do anything in particular to make yourself better. You will grow just like a plant grows. You do not need to tug on the plant for it to grow... it will do so.. little by little everyday without effort. So let yourself grow but do not force it. Your fear is what probes you to do so which is why it is so imperative to know what it is that you don't know and can't know and also important to not label things as not you because these things instill fear.

Above all.. please be hopeful. Your heart and soul may not want to stay here another day. But they will if you give them time. Just choose to stay here. There is possibility. There is hope. Where? Yea i know it doesnt look like it is anywhere... but jsut because you cant see it doesnt mean it isnt there. All you have now is the information you have judged and your way of making sense of it. You have the deepest love and hope coming from me and i pray things will become aligned for you.

This life can be stark. This life can be many things. The possibility itself, for me, is enough to always stay. Like a kaleidescope or an ocean, life can be continuously renewing and overflowing. That only thing holding it back can be us. Let go and observe as things change. Remember... always remember... taht being yourself requires no particular effort on your part. Growth requires no particular effort. Life requires no particular effort. Breath in the state you are in, make no judgment on the seeming demons that hate you, let them sit, respect them and listen to them just like a child throwing a fit. There is nothing more disarming to a person throwing a fit that being calm and staring at them and allowing them to vent. Allow your inner demons to vent. Look at them and listen to them. Don't hate them. They may in fact be demons because you do hate them or you section them as not you.. or you surpress them. Any part of you that you decide to reject or hate becomes that much more of a monster. The judgment of hating parts of yourself creates more monsters for you to hate. So stop it. You feed the monsters by hating them. Its like in star wars where darth sideous becomes extremely pleased when he seeks luke wanting to kill darth vader. Your ego would like you to believe that you could kill the darkside. Your ego would like you to believe that you could somehow eliminate evil. But like attracts like. By trying to eliminate or surpress evil you become evil. Because that is what evil does. Soon you become what it is that you hate. Which is reason enough to kill yourself. But you must see. You must see that this isnt YOU. You are separate from this battle within you. Simply listen to all aspects of yourself. This includes aspects that are not stereotypically infp. Do not let any label contain you for it limits your potential and causes you to section off parts of you... and that feeds evil.

Buddhism, the enneagram, and the sufi religion deal with this idea of neither surpressing nor acting upon the negative thoughts and feelings that arise in you. I would reccomend seeking them out.

Love love love coming from this end. Help yourself. I have been in similar areas to where you are. Remember you are not your emotions. Who you are is actually quite mysterious. Selves are fascinating things that cannot be contained. They are like water angels that flow in and out of one another. Selves are not meant to be looked at or contained. Merely observe yourself and your state without value judgment. You can assess how you feel. that is fine. but thats it. let it lie. observe it like a corpse along side the road or a beautiful sunrise on a long drive. there will be many feelings. and you will find that these feelings are very dependent on things that you cannot control. the only thing you can do is just lie and be yourself. answers will come to you. this is why i believe religion exists. i think its why the concept of god exists. because the concept of god helps us realize that we do not need to do anything with our problems. we simply give them up to him and he is the one that deals with them.. or so thats the idea. but you need not believe in god but merely in a mysterious order that somehow already grows you without you even being aware.

take care. and above all trust in all that is. trust trust trust in the order and beauty and love and goodness. trust in all that is you and all that is everything. be patient with yourself as hard as it is. i know when people used to tell me this i used to scoff in laughter and sometimes i still do. because it seems a ridiculous expectation. but i agree. we are CRAZY complicated human beings. and that is okay. where you are is okay. it is okay to be confused. shits confusing. it is okay to be exactly where you are... it really is. anyway. hope this helps. stick it in. stay in there. one last thing: remember that any fear you have you WILL find the evidence for it if you go out looking for it... always. So instead when you have a fear ... really look at it. see if this fear really is manifested in teh here and now reality. if it is not accept that perhaps it may happen but there is literally nothing you can do until it does and therefore should not even be thinking about it.

ok I lied... another thing....

It is SO important to not assume what you do not know. And sometimes its surprising how much you DO assume. This girlfriend thing. I don't know whats happening there... but I know... I know deeply how it can leave many many unanswered questions for you that .... is very hard to accept that you just simply do not know. And in some ways it may be so painful that you cannot look at them all at once. Understand that breaks ups are so hurtful. So very hurtful. They can be a disorganized mess. But also understand that it is terribly important to perservere through them because out of them often comes GREAT growth. I would hate that idea in the midst of a break up. Like yea thats FUCKING GREAT im in PAIN RIGHT NOW. Which is fair. You dont really get anything from knowing there is light at the end of tunnel until you get there. But what can help in this time of pain (and gosh a few weeks after a break up... thats early) is to not assume or imagine any scenarios that are not true. management of fear is key. do not assume things are happening that are not. do not check her facebook because it is not an accurate source of information and nor are memories! memories are not accurate sources of information either. the only accurate source of information comes from the person themselves in the here and now. So do not read into things you cannot. if you feel pain from not knowing then let it sit. lye in bed. it may be too much to take here and there. like i said it is PAINFUL. somethign that also helps is self work and also working towards making your life how you want it to look. Now from past posts ive noticed life is NOT going the way you want it to go. The break up and the life not looking the way you want i can totally understand how you would just feel like giving up. Realize the possibility though. Hope is NOT lost. Id like to inspire you to really tackle this. Do what it takes. This is your life. Reality is fucking cold. It is. It leaves no mercy. Thats fine. Its something you can take. Look into yourself. Find that part of you that can handle this. You are adaptive. You have tools. Use all of the parts of yourself that are at your disposal. This is a hard time. And in hard times you cannot afford to ignore a part of you that you need to get through this. Be courageous and bold. Do what you need to survive. If you need to get a job do it. know what you want out of this life. If you dont know thats fine. Dont force it. But just listen to yourself. trust yourself. you can do this. What do you need to do? There are some times in life where there really is no time or help from refelcting on pain. If this is one of those times... then act and progress in whatever way possible. But never ... never ignore parts of yourself. If there is pain as you are acting and moving forward and there is nothing you can do about it... then there is nothing you can do. You will have to live with the pain for now. But that doesnt mean other parts of your life cant progress. This is survival mode. And sometimes life requires this.

if you ever have an impulse to hurt yourself again pm me. talk it out. really. take care and know.
 

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If you weren't in England, I was going to give you the number to the crisis/suicide line I volunteer at. But it's in the US so I'm guessing you wouldn't call it.

Everyone has advice for you and a lot of people can relate to your situation but I know that only you can fully understand what you need right now. You are feeling hopeless, empty, maybe even numb. the world seems so bleak, like there is nothing worth fighting for anymore. I've heard some people on here say that it will get better for you. I hope it does but honestly no one knows the answer to that. I'm glad it got better for them and life frequently does 'get better' if you wait it out. But sometimes it really doesn't feel like it. Sometimes you want an instant fix. You feel like you've suffered long enough. You would do anything to make the pain go away.

I guess I don't have any advice for you other than know that there are other people out there who have been in your shoes, and you are not alone. that always comforts me when I think about the big picture and how we as humans all have to suffer together. We all have joys together, too. It just depends on where you are in life. I sincerely hope that there will be more joys for you in your future. I hope that you can find the strength to keep going. What is worth fighting for? What happens in death? Is it really peace or is it just more pain?
 

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There is no need to apologize, I am glad you felt you could speak out here. I have no real advice other than be forgiving of yourself and take everything one step at a time. This particular article has been helpful for me as well.

Stay with us, ne?
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Well i tried it again last night, i hooked up the exhast on my car through the boot and tried to fall asleep, i really just wanted to drift off and never wake up.It failed to do anything, and i just woke up fine and went to bed.I just hate the way i am, i hate being this overly sensitive person, this person with low self esteem, and other problems, i dont feel normal, i dont feel i fit anywhere.I hate hate hate the way im so over senstive, its messed up so many relationships, also, how much i over think things.I dont WANT to accept this is the way i am, im not happy being like this, i dont fit into this world being the way i am, im messed up.I try to change, i read self help, go counselling and it doesnt make enough change, the books and online advice makes me more self aware, and more self absorbed and doesnt really work other than just educate me

I keep going in and out of depression moods, wanted to end, then getting a bit of hope, i really do think its coming close to my time, ive tried so much to change, reached out for help, but just annoyed people, and they carnt cope, or what i have tried hasnt worked.Why not end it, why?? Im so messed up, i dont wanna ruien anyones life anymore, like my ex girlfriends.Even my friend who i live with is getting fed up of my problems i have everyday, im too much for people, and becoming too much for myself to handle anymore.Yes i could change a bit, maybe in 3-4 years with therapy, but still thats 3-4 years of going through crap and thats if i can keep it up and get the constand help
 

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Well i tried it again last night, i hooked up the exhast on my car through the boot and tried to fall asleep, i really just wanted to drift off and never wake up.It failed to do anything, and i just woke up fine and went to bed.I just hate the way i am, i hate being this overly sensitive person, this person with low self esteem, and other problems, i dont feel normal, i dont feel i fit anywhere.I hate hate hate the way im so over senstive, its messed up so many relationships, also, how much i over think things.I dont WANT to accept this is the way i am, im not happy being like this, i dont fit into this world being the way i am, im messed up.I try to change, i read self help, go counselling and it doesnt make enough change, the books and online advice makes me more self aware, and more self absorbed and doesnt really work other than just educate me

I keep going in and out of depression moods, wanted to end, then getting a bit of hope, i really do think its coming close to my time, ive tried so much to change, reached out for help, but just annoyed people, and they carnt cope, or what i have tried hasnt worked.Why not end it, why?? Im so messed up, i dont wanna ruien anyones life anymore, like my ex girlfriends.Even my friend who i live with is getting fed up of my problems i have everyday, im too much for people, and becoming too much for myself to handle anymore.Yes i could change a bit, maybe in 3-4 years with therapy, but still thats 3-4 years of going through crap and thats if i can keep it up and get the constand help
okay. your actions and what you have done in the past is not necessarily who you are. Do you see how that would be true? I don't know who's lives you have ruined but it sounds like its a two way street. There is a lot of hate I see... please... just let it sit. What are the external stressors coming into your contact? For some reason I feel like this may be a mix of life, girlfriend, and then your general pain in yourself. You must try and distinguish between what is causing what before you can get better. Also this person with low self esteem. This is something that isnt constant. Self esteem is CHANGABLE. I don't care how long you have had low self esteem it is a completely changable thing. YOu must realize that. I know right now these words are probably slipping through since you are so overwhelmed with emotion. I don't know. I think all of my best advice I gave above. I think one other thing that helps me is to not assume what or how other people react to me. Because I get their facial expression and reaction but I do not get a TERRBLY important part which is WHY. I do not know the cause. And just like in psychology and statistics it is a great fallacy to assume that correlation is causation.

Personal Growth for Enneagram Type Fours

4 - Enneagram Type Four: The Individualist
 

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Well i tried it again last night, i hooked up the exhast on my car through the boot and tried to fall asleep, i really just wanted to drift off and never wake up.It failed to do anything, and i just woke up fine and went to bed.I just hate the way i am, i hate being this overly sensitive person, this person with low self esteem, and other problems, i dont feel normal, i dont feel i fit anywhere.I hate hate hate the way im so over senstive, its messed up so many relationships, also, how much i over think things.I dont WANT to accept this is the way i am, im not happy being like this, i dont fit into this world being the way i am, im messed up.I try to change, i read self help, go counselling and it doesnt make enough change, the books and online advice makes me more self aware, and more self absorbed and doesnt really work other than just educate me

I keep going in and out of depression moods, wanted to end, then getting a bit of hope, i really do think its coming close to my time, ive tried so much to change, reached out for help, but just annoyed people, and they carnt cope, or what i have tried hasnt worked.Why not end it, why?? Im so messed up, i dont wanna ruien anyones life anymore, like my ex girlfriends.Even my friend who i live with is getting fed up of my problems i have everyday, im too much for people, and becoming too much for myself to handle anymore.Yes i could change a bit, maybe in 3-4 years with therapy, but still thats 3-4 years of going through crap and thats if i can keep it up and get the constand help
honestly you probably belong in a psych ward depressed as you are, personally i find them great free foood, nice bed, other depressed people to keep company with. no one saying tomorrow is a better day or some bullshit like that. but i'm one of the few, just think about checking into a hospital. part of you don't want to die, it might be a very small part but that part will be the part you need to survive this shit storm.
 
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