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After many good years together, my INTJ boyfriend and I have decided to try to have a baby within a year or two. Although he is a great boyfriend (and very caring), he doesn't seem as good with (or as interested in) children as I am. If the neighbor children behave badly he has no problem disciplining them (that is, telling them in a strict (harsh) voice to stop doing what they are doing), which to me as an ENFP seems too direct and autoritarian. He is not used to kids at all, and knows close to nothing about them. If there are little kids singing in a TV show he will tell me he thinks they sing awful and that the parents are mean and the kids will be embarassed later on, whereas I think they sing beautifully (because I know that a 3-year-old doesn't sing as good as a 30 year old proffessional) and tear up because it is so touching. He also thinks children's drawings are ugly. I really hope that if this doesn't change when we have kids, that at least he will pretend to like their drawings and not make them feel inferior/stupid etc. I also hope he won't treat the child like a dog and being too harsh/disciplining with them.

Any experiences or thoughts about this?

He has a big heart though, and last summer we visited a couple (friends) to see their 6-month-old baby. Prior to going there he assured me he was not going to have the baby in his lap, yet when they asked him he was just a big smile and had the baby in his lap for half an hour. The baby loved him and he loved the baby (it was so touching to see!) and afterwards he said "I'm looking forward to becoming a father:proud:" He also often finds kids cute (when they say/do cute things) and will smile/laugh if he sees a little chap who is very serious about riding his tricycle or something else.

I just worry that he will be impatient, demanding and strict, and won't be good at making them feel that they are good enough..

:unsure:
 

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When it's your own kids, it's different. However, if you are worried about these things, you might want to consider waiting a little bit longer. My Husband (ENTJ) wasn't in to other people's kids at all and didn't care if he ever had any of his own...we have 3, and he's great with them, but he does let me lead in raising them though. He trusts that I understand people and the emotions of a child better than he does (as a individual, not a type), so he will listen to me if I tell him I think he was harsh or unfair (not in front of the kids, of course). That doesn't mean I am bossy; we are still a team. I just mean that if I tell him he's being harsh, he will tone it down because he trusts I'm right...I do the same with him in other areas.

The only other thing that seems a bit iffy to me is his views on children in general...critiquing their singing and drawing abilities just seems so odd. Does he think they are supposed to be magnificent? People like the way children sing and draw because it's innocent and cute, not because of their perfect pitch and eye for color :) It's a good sign that he enjoyed holding your friend's baby though :) Good luck to you!
 

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Yes I've changed a great deal. But it happened gradually rather than in an instant. When I was single, I also never liked kids. I didn't talk with them, didn't touch, and I didn't care about them, and their noise is a nuisance in my quiet time. When I was in my teen I planned on having baby in my early 20's or as long as I've finished college. I see myself as a career woman and I didn't want myself child rearing in my 30's. I thought of having children as something to be accomplished. But it changed my view when I gave birth. I see now my baby as human not some object to be accomplished. It developed my Fi more, and I had to step back my plans and put my children in first priority. And breastfeeding releases more oxytocin-a hormone that promotes that helps the uterus to contract ti help return to its prepregnancy state. Oxytocin also makes you high and it helps mother and child bond giving a euphoric feeling.

I don't know about men. But some say that INTJs make a good parent. My dad is an INTJ so I've witnessed how great of a parent he is. Eventually your boyfriend will develop and change for the better but it's a process of time. For the mean time, accept him for what he is and let him be himself.
 

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My dad is an INTJ, and he was great! When he disciplined me as a kid, he actually talked to me and told me why he thought my choice was wrong and how my choice might negatively affect me, rather than just saying "Don't do that because I said so". He also actively played with my brothers and I a lot (board games, computer games, legos, etc.), which is something my mom didn't do very much. When we were really little, he even wrote us little personalized books to help us learn to read. INTJs are very loyal to the ones they love. We aren't always warm and fuzzy, but we genuinely want what's best for the family.

You may want to find some research based information that shows how children need affection and interaction to develop. It's out there, you just have to gather it. For example, the number of different words a child hears at a young age helps them become a better reader and learner later in life.

Seeing my dad now, as a grandfather, he's always trying to make sure my niece has new experiences to try to help her grow. He's very sweet with her. :)
 

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I'm very interested in this thread, and any responses from other INTJs.

Good thread, OP.
 

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Seeing as I'm single right now, I'll share something from my standpoint. I am not interested in raising a child, however I do see it will happen. As an uncle, one of my nephews shocked me by interacting with me, whereas previously he was intimidated. That really made my day and makes me think if my brother can do it, I'll probably be better.
 
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