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Sounds like a "I love him but I'm afraid I'll forever wonder alone" situation.

With some people what-you-see-is-what-you-get. There's literally nothing more going on. There's no inner world happening. It's not that they're withholding it or hiding it. It's that it's simply not there.

I spent most of my life presupposing in others an internal world that was more or less similar to my own only to discover later on that this was not the case at all.

For instance if someone's inferior function is introverted intuition then they rarely or never experience the place where I've lived for my entire life and so they have difficulty speaking from that place or relating to it.

I live with myself 24 hours a day and I don't fully comprehend me so I can't very well expect another person to fathom my depths, but if there's not a genuine intention from my partner to see into me and understand me beyond the surface layer then I'll feel like I'm alone even if I'm sitting right next to them and looking them in the eye.

I can't experience partner-love without depth of feeling and mutual understanding. Otherwise it'll be one-sided and it'll feel more like agape love or like the kind of love a parent might feel for a child, which is not what I want in a partner relationship.
 

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I'm the kind of guy that goes...
"What's on your mind?"
"How does X Y Z make you feel ?"
"What's your opinion on ________?"


For me, it's not really about what they think, but rather -how- they think. As if there's a sort of logical flow or rhythm to their thoughts and it was always important for me to try to stay in sync with them so I could better read them.

There was this one girl I dated, I swear she looked just like Katharine McPhee, in any case whenever I asked those sort of questions she'd always say "nothing" or "I don't have an opinion on it." At first I thought it was nerves, maybe being worried she may sound stupid or something, or just being unable to articulate herself, but no... it was literally nothing by her claims. It honestly took me awhile to sort of accept that. That said, I'd probably say that was my least fulfilling and shortest overall relationship ever.

In terms of people understanding me, I actually don't seek that out whatsoever. Similar to @KingOfAllAlphaMales I believe it's not possible to truly understand yourself, let alone someone else. Sure you may pick up on some cute tendencies here and there or she likes cookie dough ice cream because it reminds her of being at home, but generally you're a fish out the water. That aside, I still think there has to be a sort of burning passion in a relationship filled with curiosity and an insatiable appetite to constantly want more from your partner. Ideally, they seek the same.

Drivel aside, sounds like it's time to move on. I'm sure you could work on it to some degree with him, but even then he'll likely barely be passable. May as well get an 'A' student in what's important to you.
 

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I think with INFJs we have this basic Intuition that is extremely important to us. We can hide our secondary or tertiary functions, but at the end of the day we are extremely intuitive and like to mull things over (and over and over.. or maybe that's just me :p). Being with someone who you can't connect with on a very basic level just will make things more difficult down the road. Not that it couldn't work out, but that it would be more challenging imo.

I met an INFJ last summer, and we connected pretty easily. We both had the same unusual tastes in music, had the same (sometimes dark) sense of humor, and both kind of just clicked well. We were good friends, and even if we didn't express it openly, I think we both deeply appreciated the fact that our lives crossed even though it was only for a couple of months. It made me value what it means to have an intuitive connection with someone that goes beyond words. The funniest thing is that it took us more than 6 hours of conversation (just two of us in a car) to realize that we were both INFJs. We hid our intuitive side so well that we hardly even recognized it in each other. :/

It's a little scary to think about. Like maybe I've met many others like her who fundamentally seemed to get me, whether it's typology, enneagram, temperament, life experiences, I'm not entirely sure. But I do think that two people who are more Intuitively inclined should be able to talk to one another about the "imaginative craziness" that goes on in their heads. Something like that shouldn't be ignored or repressed, but should be openly expressed (to benefit all of society).

Maybe that's a bit abstract. I'd recommend you have him take the myers briggs test, see what he gets, google INFJ and ____ compatibility to see what the strengths and weaknesses are of those two types together. Maybe do enneagram as well. Also, love languages might help too, to be more aware of how to show you truly care for one another.

If things don't get better, I would try dating someone who's a bit more intuitive, if possible... But that's hard to say for sure from an outsider's perspective. Best of luck, though! :)
 

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We're not really complex, just quirky as hell. It also depends on the individual, some people will read between the lines a lot better than others

I've really only tried pursuing a relationship 3 or so times. Dating has always felt like a waste of time to me, I'm too idealistic. The odds of finding someone with whom I can do the whole 'soul sharing' thing is laughably low. First partner was naïve and critical, second was evasive and motherly, and third doesn't even qualify as far as I'm concerned, but they were ignorant and disinterested. The first two hurt, because I was involved. The latter was by far the worst, but was painless to end because they made me feel 90% single from beginning to end, and as far as I'm concerned anything above 0% is unacceptable... So I guess I don't have that issue, because I try to avoid romantic entanglements if I can foresee those circumstances arising, and I'm quick to end things now if I don't feel that they're salvageable, whereas I used to have a hard time letting go.

That said, of all the NFPs and SFPs, I feel that ESFPs are the easiest to get along with. They're more fun-loving and far less drama-headed. I think they're generally very forgiving as well, and they actually value and find Ni intriguing (all the INFJs hail ENTPs as being our ideal match, but I've never seen it. They'd value our 8th function, and always shrug off our subjective intuition because they're Ne doms). What I'm getting at is that there's no "perfect type" for any given type, it all depends on you; what you crave, and being an Ni dom, what you anticipate you'll crave in 10-20 years time (surely I'm not the only one who imagines myself as a 50 year old, reflecting upon my now-future, then-past?).
 
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And the award for most pretentious thread title goes to...
Oh please, don't make me despise (most of) the T types even more than I already do, I know who I'd give the title for the most feeling-oblivious response to...

Do other INFJ's find this situation relatable, if so how do you cope and what are your partners personalities like? If you don't have this issue, why and what are your partners like?
Yes, I do know what you mean. I do have this hope that inside all have rich inner worlds, or at least curiosities. But this may not be true and some people may just exist. I think we can try and explain to our partners how we are and give them full access to this world, but I am afraid that they will not be too fascinated by it and will not ask too much. So, this leaves you with 2 options. Kill your inner world or find someone that will love living with you inside it. I'd go with second. I mean, a lifetime of unhappiness versus the possibility of not finding someone to share your ideas? I rather take my chances. I need someone to share these things with, at least someone that can hear me out and try to understand. Otherwise I find no happiness in the mundane basic, daily tasks, and to live my life in absence is not my thing.

I have been dating an ISFJ for the past 7 years. Recent times were rough and we are still trying to pull things the right way up. However, while I have always thought she just gets my thing, recently I have noticed that she may not be fully be able to. Still, unlike other types, the ISFJ is similar to INFJ, even if they lack the rich inner world. So she makes up for things by trying to learn about my inner world and asking me questions and asking me how I feel and why. I guess that I would have loved for her to intuitively know me, but I guess you can't have it all. She has her other strong points so it's really a matter of balancing things out. Sometimes I dream of her being intuitive, but others not. She is a type 2w1 which makes her a bit more closer to INFJ than your typical ISFJ so that helps.

She has rare moments of what I call Ni outbursts where she asks some difficult questions of the mind. When I pick on them we start interesting conversations and I go wild and explore all possibilities and topics on the matter that I can find. She listens and adds her own ideas. But I do get that occasional answer that "you are being too complex about this" which indicates to me that I surpassed her usual limit of her inner world. So I kind of know she is able of inner world living, even if it's not as brightly colored or as sharp as mine, but the fact that it exists, means it can be enriched with practice. I have to show her the way and she has to want to do it. In your case, if you're being ridiculed, then the chances of finding what you seek are low. Try to have a serious talk and if you're being mocked, then you will get your answer. We don't need to answer this for you, you're an INFJ, you'll find the answer on your own very easy.
 

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Oh please, don't make me despise (most of) the T types even more than I already do, I know who I'd give the title for the most feeling-oblivious response to...
You do you boo.


People are different, yeah? They have different focuses, orientations, places they want to expend their energy. Evidently yours is inside, internally. Creating your majestic feelscapes and thinking of the Deep Things. I get it, I'm the same. This doesn't make you deep. This doesn't make you complex or difficult to understand. It makes you different from your bf whose brain and feelings go out to sense things on a 'deeper' level on the outside. He experiences things you don't and values things you can't and vice versa. Yes you can leave him and find someone who and revel in your mutual depth or you can learn to appreciate and value a different perspective. Equal but different.
 

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And the award for most pretentious thread title goes to...
You're not even an INFJ, why are you here criticizing our threads? This is actually a real issue, its not just us sitting around trying to sound pretentious or special.

My best friend and partner for 3 years was ISFP and we definitely had this problem. First off, I don't really care about people understanding me-- I'm okay on my own. We would always have these conversations where she would go "You're just too complex for me!!" And I would "Yup..." But I hated being labeled as complex.... it made me sound like I was emotionally needy. There was a lot in our relationship that wasn't "working", our types were SO different, but we stuck it out and after many years, we've gotten to a point where we really love and understand each other.

I also always thought that everyone had the same complicated world inside that I did, and then when I grew older, I thought that nobody else did.... it wasn't until I discovered MB that I realized what was really going on.
I don't know how many types feel this way, but it seems from this thread that many INFJs feel they just have this HUGE world inside of themselves that they can't communicate to others. Its a disorienting thing, because you have these weird moments where you realize just how removed from the real world some of your thoughts are..... Its very strange. Sometimes my inner world really does seem MORE real than the real world, which is freaky.... But I wouldnt give it up for anything.

Oh also a huge theme of our relationship (with the ISFP) was her begging me to stop being so secretive and just TELL her everything (like for example what I wrote about in my journal, which I never let her read), and me being like I REALLY JUST CANT EXPLAIN IT and her being like WHY NOT??? And me being I CANT EXPLAIN THAT EITHER!
She always thought I was writing SECRETS in my journal, or that I was writing about her, when in reality I wasn't writing about her at all, and I wasn't writing secrets per se, it was just that my journal was jumping right into the middle of my inner world, and theres no way that anybody else can read that because its just.... it would seem SO crazy to anybody else. At least thats what I expect.
One time, actually, she did just pick up and read a portion of my journal without my permission, which horrified me, but then she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever, except for the mention of a certain guy I'd had a crush on that I didnt tell her about.... All the other crazy stuff... no reaction. So I shouldn't have freaked out so much about her reading it. And its times like those that I LOVED being with an ISFP. I loved that she ignored most of my inner most complex thoughts... it left my inner world in privacy, which is what I wanted.

SP's are really great, people.

Oh also there were times when my inner world bothered me.... because of how removed it was.... I would try to bring it all "in line" with reality, so that I felt I could express myself fully to others. It bothered me that there was a part of me I couldn't share with anyone. But. Thats just how it is I guess
 

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You do you boo.


People are different, yeah? They have different focuses, orientations, places they want to expend their energy. Evidently yours is inside, internally. Creating your majestic feelscapes and thinking of the Deep Things. I get it, I'm the same. This doesn't make you deep. This doesn't make you complex or difficult to understand. It makes you different from your bf whose brain and feelings go out to sense things on a 'deeper' level on the outside. He experiences things you don't and values things you can't and vice versa. Yes you can leave him and find someone who and revel in your mutual depth or you can learn to appreciate and value a different perspective. Equal but different.
Funny how you claim that people are different, yet you come in here and then decide that the title is not good, because... you forget that people are different. You lose at your own logic. I get it, you can't access the F, so you find it ridiculous. I actually can access the T and get how you're thinking, but it feels very incomplete to me. I love logic. My computer loves logic. But my computer cannot love me, because it is not creative. It just does things because that's what it knows, not feels. Much like T types.

I think this discussion is beyond your feeling capabilities. You see it black and white, 1 and 0, even if you falsely claim like you really understand that people are different. Yeah, I can see past your little self defense charade, but the honorable thing to do is to not bug into a discussion that you can't completely understand because you lack the correct API.
 
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You're not even an INFJ, why are you here criticizing our threads?
Would it have been more acceptable to voice my opinion on the thread title if I had been an INFJ?

Funny how you claim that people are different, yet you come in here and then decide that the title is not good, because... you forget that people are different. You lose at your own logic. I get it, you can't access the F, so you find it ridiculous. I actually can access the T and get how you're thinking, but it feels very incomplete to me. I love logic. My computer loves logic. But my computer cannot love me, because it is not creative. It just does things because that's what it knows, not feels. Much like T types.

I think this discussion is beyond your feeling capabilities. You see it black and white, 1 and 0, even if you falsely claim like you really understand that people are different. Yeah, I can see past your little self defense charade, but the honorable thing to do is to not bug into a discussion that you can't completely understand because you lack the correct API.

I will put your user under ignore, because that is quite logical, isn't it?
I'm not going to respond to most of this since it seems to be more about you and whatever preconceived notions you've constructed than any point I was making BUT!

Funny how you claim that people are different, yet you come in here and then decide that the title is not good, because... you forget that people are different.
What I was objecting to was that difference in others was not being recognized and was being devalued instead. The thread title, the OP and the various replies seem to be implying a 'more than' attitude. Not 'me and my bf see the world differently' but rather 'my bf isn't deep enough to get all my feels [but I definitely get all of his].' Saying that me pointing this out is not recognizing that people are different is kinda like saying the action of pointing out something offensive if inherently offensive, it might be but that doesn't dismiss the point.
 

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Sounds like a "I love him but I'm afraid I'll forever wonder alone" situation.

With some people what-you-see-is-what-you-get. There's literally nothing more going on. There's no inner world happening. It's not that they're withholding it or hiding it. It's that it's simply not there.

I spent most of my life presupposing in others an internal world that was more or less similar to my own only to discover later on that this was not the case at all.

For instance if someone's inferior function is introverted intuition then they rarely or never experience the place where I've lived for my entire life and so they have difficulty speaking from that place or relating to it.

I live with myself 24 hours a day and I don't fully comprehend me so I can't very well expect another person to fathom my depths, but if there's not a genuine intention from my partner to see into me and understand me beyond the surface layer then I'll feel like I'm alone even if I'm sitting right next to them and looking them in the eye.

I can't experience partner-love without depth of feeling and mutual understanding. Otherwise it'll be one-sided and it'll feel more like agape love or like the kind of love a parent might feel for a child, which is not what I want in a partner relationship.
Yes! So true man.
 

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Would it have been more acceptable to voice my opinion on the thread title if I had been an INFJ?
Well it certainly still would've been irritating. Its makes it a bit hard to talk about INFJ issues with random people coming over trying to shut down the conversation by being like "you guys just think you're special". Like, what difference does it even make to you?
 

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After eight or so relationships, plus some more romantic stuff, I'm at my wit's end, this was perhaps the major issue every time. I need that soul connection, the real one.

Actually I don't even think that INFJs are all that complex, just very different, way too different. I tried to minimize the "inner world" as much as I could and focus on the outside world and the "inner world" of the woman, but still, that's just not enough. They say they feel very understood, well good for them, they never even seemed to notice the real me in return. Completely one-sided.

You should be able to meet me halfway, but if I go 80% of the way and you still have no clue..

I admit that one of the reasons why I'm on PerC now is to learn what INFJ women are like and how to spot them IRL in the future. Seems to be my best bet right now.


I get it, I'm the same. This doesn't make you deep.
Time for you to get out of the T denial and realize that INFJs are deeper on average than INTPs, emotion-wise. Deal with it.
 

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Well it certainly still would've been irritating. Its makes it a bit hard to talk about INFJ issues with random people coming over trying to shut down the conversation by being like "you guys just think you're special". Like, what difference does it even make to you?
Not trying to shut the conversation down, the exact opposite actually. I grant you the intial comment wasn't terribly constructive but the follow up has been. Not that anyone seems interested in discussing that.

Time for you to get out of the T denial and realize that INFJs are deeper on average than INTPs, emotion-wise. Deal with it.
Okay? What does this have to do with my objection about devaluing those who don't see the world like you do tho?
 

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It’s not easy to admit you have a problem and then ask for feedback. It’s incredibly unhelpful dismissing thoughts that are shared here as not important. Part of the reason the INFJ forum is so active is that such a wide range of topics are brought up and discussed. I’d really hate to see anyone afraid to post, it’s such a great thing.
 

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What the hell is devaluing about the thread title?
Nothing. The thread title is pretentious. It's some of the comments that come across as devaluing. Like these partners lack something fundamental that makes them unworthy.
 

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Nothing. The thread title is pretentious. It's some of the comments that come across as devaluing. Like these partners lack something fundamental that makes them unworthy.
What the hell is pretentious about the thread title?

"Fundamental" and "unworthy" would suggest that you see people through some universal qualities, in a world where human qualities are of course all relative, which is obvious to most INFJs. You are misunderstanding things here.
 
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