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I was discussing this topic with my very good ISTP friend the other night. His parents were very encouraging of his ISTP tendencies. As a young child they took him to bowling alleys, car washes and any other places where he was intrigued by the mechanics. His father traveled often for work but when he was home would take him on these excursions, sometimes to the same place multiple times and patiently wait while my friend was allowed to tour behind the scenes of these places, learning how the machines worked and asking questions. As a result, my friend is very gifted with machinery. Understands them almost intrinsically and builds amazing machines on his own. Very successful entrepreneur and he's only in his mid-20s.

On the other hand are my parents. I was always the "weird" kid. When I was interested in something scientific, my mother did not want to be bothered with buying me things or taking me places to explore these interests. Many times it was met with "you won't be able to do that" or "nobody really does that as a job." I was often told that certain career paths were "not for girls." The only thing that was encouraged was reading which I took and ran. The boy I had my first crush on in 6th grade used to sit with me at lunch and we would see who could read the longest books, often books 1,000+ pages long. Nowadays that "boy" is a professor at Cal *swoon*

Anyways, it took me a long time to be comfortable with my INTJ traits (probably my 30s while I only learned about MBTI this past year. what a relief that was) and I embrace them. I realize now that my parents did not know what to do with a little girl who wanted to build lasers while everyone else's daughters wanted to go to the mall. In adulthood, I went from being a grunt at my current job to leaping over all of the employees into management within a few months to creating my own department managing and repairing all of the diagnostic equipment, which I learned how to do on my own. Always, though, there will be a part of me that can't help feeling like I missed out on realizing my full potential due to the fact that I was discouraged from exploring my childhood interests. I still have a nagging self-doubt as well. There's always a moment when a machine needs repair that I think "I can't do it. I won't be able to fix it." and I have to "swipe left" on that and handle the situation (which I always do. The company that makes one of the systems told me if I ever need a job to call them :cool:)

Sorry so long, I felt the background was important and, perhaps on a level, cathartic. I am interested to hear if what I have experienced is common. If you did experience it, I am curious to know if it is something you still struggle with although I know certain factors are generally considered INTJ traits regardless of upbringing.
 

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@stathamspeacoat do you know what types your parents are? It sounds like your mom is a SJ.

I get on fairly well with my parents. I'm an upperclassman in high school, and they're separated and in the process of a divorce. I split my time between them. We're all Ns though (including my INTP twin brother), which I think is atypical and why I find it a lot easier to connect to them.

My parents have generally supported my interests. My mom bought me a few MBTI related books in the past few months, and many more other books for pleasure over the years.

I've always gotten along better with my mother, who is an INTJ (though she's developed to the point where she seems INFP a lot of the time). She understands me better, doesn't pressure me to talk to her about stuff, and generally leaves me alone when I want to be left alone and let's me do my own thing. We can (and do) just talk about random N stuff for hours. She's a lot less strict than my dad, and doesn't become super irrational about dumb stuff like he does.

(Great example: my dad was supposed to pick my brother and I up last night, and it was 5:30 or so. He had texted me a few times, but I was asleep. I woke up when he called. He asked if we just wanted to stay at our moms for the night at that point because it would probably be easier. We hung up so I could talk to my brother and mom about it, and we decided to stay. I text my dad that. Half an hour later, I get a passive aggressive text about how he wished we would've told him about our plans to stay at our moms earlier. There were no plans to do that until he brought it up!)

My dad is an ENFJ and gets really upset whenever I don't follow a rule he made up on the spot "just because he said so". He also wants to know all the ins and outs of my emotional life which gets irritating. He's not particularly consistent either, because most of his judgements about stuff are based on however he's feeling at that moment. That bugs me a lot. He can be great and supportive when he wants to be as well.

Interestingly, my INTP brother gets along much better with my dad than my mom. So the opposite of me. We've gotten into fights about it before.
 

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My parent(s) did not care about Myers Briggs™ — as my personality development (via) childhood ...

I was assumed to have a mental-malfunction(s) ::

___________________


(A) Playing alone; making up scenarios with myself; abnormally having discussion(s) with myself.


(B) Too imaginative [writing novels, taking my computer apart, instead of doing HW].


(C) (A)-social - more interested in the environment, bugs, plants - than peers.

What is interesting, however, is I did start off moderately extroverted when very young; (&) then fell very silent (&) then high-functioning socialization + attention became less, and less enjoyable and interesting, I then closed off into introversion around 5th grade, or so. Not sure what occurred.


(D) Questioning / talking back to teachers too much; but never caused trouble with them. (was a favorite; but an annoyance). I preferred to hold conversation(s) with them, to which they felt were inappropriate for my age, I suspect with the maturity level of the content. Mom had to be phone-called often to explain.


(E) Skeptical of classroom rules; did not sharing with others, being told to sit in the corner.


(F) Studying astronomy books in English class (&) getting in trouble for not paying attention. Likely reading beyond the curriculum; or something completely differential from the assignments during class. (I wanted to do what I wanted; when ready). It was rather rude - parent(s) were always informed (&) I got in trouble at home.

__

etc. — and was repetitively tested for mental disabilities, mostly ADD. Parents were frustrated when the results were blank. I was rather interested in technology since young; so always conjugated around my brother(s), they had all the "cool toys" (e.g., legos, blocks, video games), etc., I craved. Mother thought I was too close to them in interests (&) other means, perhaps in some form of sick incestous relations - so always questioned "what we were doing all the time" - no incest, however, it was them that introduced me to pornography. ;snort;

Parent(s) were also cautious I may get hurt from playing rough / wrestling around all the time with the boys, so if not with them, I was at the adults table listening in to current event(s) / interesting topics, parents supported this - but other adults did not. As it is known I should've been around more peers.

After such (mental) result(s) came out neutral; parents left me alone and accepted my personality traits, however, continued to "force" me into extroverted high (Se)-activities for a "push".

Parent(s) were both ENTJ — so they could not understand why I was more "slower" than them; but thought so similar (&) suspected I was just developing slowly into "them", which was not the case. I would say; parents were relatively indifferent about my interests, and continued to push their agenda - as they were still highly similar.
 

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My dad is an ENFJ and gets really upset whenever I don't follow a rule he made up on the spot "just because he said so". He also wants to know all the ins and outs of my emotional life which gets irritating. He's not particularly consistent either, because most of his judgments about stuff are based on however he's feeling at that moment. That bugs me a lot. He can be great and supportive when he wants to be as well.
Your father is a lot like my elder sister, haha.
 

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In terms of doing whatever I liked, I was not once discouraged. As it has been, my parents actually enjoyed learning new things through their children.
 

My elder sister (enfj) knew she wanted to get a serious education when she was in high school, but she did not have a precise hobby. She decided to become an architect. While she was in grade 10 my parents would drive her to another city to meet with one of the best professors in my country and learn what she needed to get into the university she'd chosen. I'd join sometimes, too.
Then in grade 11 she thought it through and concluded she'd always actually liked Biology, so she wanted to pursue a medical degree. While my father doubted she could do it, my mother was overly excited. They both supported her.

I remember when we were nine, my twin sister (entj) and I became very interested in learning Japanese. Upon the next hour of hearing it, my father went shopping and got us a dozen books to study after. I got indeed happy our new hobby caused him such great enthusiasm.

Then, I've had an interest in computer science from the age of thirteen. I was reluctant to let my parents know until I got into high school, but this was because at the time I'd gotten taken with hacking sites I shouldn't have had any business with as a kid and was afraid they would snap. But at some point I told them I'd hacked my elder sister and they were... overjoyed. My twin told them about my 'history' with hacking and they got excited about that, too. It cracked me up so hard.


I could have thought that, given both of my parents have always been into exact sciences, it was natural for them to wish for their children to hold similar interests. But this is untrue. My sister is an artist, and she wanted to pursue her dream of designing a bridge. She took private sketching and painting classes for many years. She was supported by our parents in this, yet she decided on her own to change her path and go into engineering instead. (Now maybe she will build that bridge herself haha)

What my family doesn't put up with too much is my tendency to stray away from civilisation and end up with my nose inside a book (or e-book) instead. That's always been hard for them to swallow, because they'd prefer it if I went to parties and got drunk sometimes.

They don't know about mbti. I don't even suppose they know what an introvert is (even though my father is one). They might be really ignorant on this side. They don't know much about the habits of our minds and I don't want to imagine starting a conversation with them on mental health...

Now, I do not believe there will be a pattern of intj having parents who did not support them growing up. That shouldn't have to do with personality type, but it's an interesting subject to discuss.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
@stathamspeacoat do you know what types your parents are? It sounds like your mom is a SJ.
I don't but I am actually considering having her take the test because I'm curious. I do agree though, I think probably ISTJ

My dad is an ENFJ and gets really upset whenever I don't follow a rule he made up on the spot "just because he said so". He also wants to know all the ins and outs of my emotional life which gets irritating. He's not particularly consistent either, because most of his judgements about stuff are based on however he's feeling at that moment. That bugs me a lot. He can be great and supportive when he wants to be as well.
This sounds so much like a good friend I had a falling out with. It was maddening. When we got along and he was helpful it was fantastic but when he had his "fits" I couldn't handle it and ultimately everything unraveled.

In terms of doing whatever I liked, I was not once discouraged. As it has been, my parents actually enjoyed learning new things through their children.
I think that is a key difference. My mother did not want me to stray from her values and preferred to try and corral me instead of learn through me.

Now, I do not believe there will be a pattern of intj having parents who did not support them growing up. That shouldn't have to do with personality type, but it's an interesting subject to discuss.
Oh I don't believe it influenced my personality type at all - if anything since adulthood, the INTJ kinda forced itself out of me. I had always had to make an EXTREME effort suppress my tendencies because I was taught that being argumentative or my lack of "girlie" behavior was incorrect. I always diluted my language because I was told that speaking a certain way to people was rude. I was very depressed and uncomfortable through most of my childhood and teenage years because I was constantly fighting myself.

Once I moved out, it was kind of like a snake shedding it's skin. I just became the person I felt natural being since there wasn't anyone to "enforce" their "boundaries" on me. When I discovered MBTI earlier this year and read the INTJ description, it was such a relief. I was already at a point where I had accepted that this is "just me" but reading the type description made me feel like I wasn't a complete freak and there were others like me.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Parent(s) were also cautious I may get hurt from playing rough / wrestling around all the time with the boys, so if not with them, I was at the adults table listening in to current event(s) / interesting topics, parents supported this - but other adults did not. As it is known I should've been around more peers.
Exactly this. Both of my sisters were figure skaters, I am about as graceful as a rabid rhino. I wanted to play hockey, specifically be a goalie. My mom told me it was too dangerous and if I wasn't going to figure skate, I couldn't skate at all. I wouldn't skate again until I was an adult and decided to take up hockey myself. After being an MMA fighter. Which she also loved I'M SURE :rolleyes:

Do you think there is an "residue" from your parents' influence that you still deal with today?
 

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My parents (ISFJ, ISTJ) were really fantastic. To their credit, they are both highly successful and intelligent people with self-made careers which may make my experience different than it would have been with less-developed IS_J parents.

The biggest thing my parents did correctly in raising me was to give me my space and autonomy, yet always be there if I needed them. Because I had Si parents, my physical and material needs were always really well cared for. Our household was always very organized, comfortable, abundant, and stable with very little chaos or disruption in everyday life. Although my parents didn't always understand my interests and sometimes worried that I was a little "different" from other children they were always supportive of those interests, and never got in the way of my learning. They were terrific facilitators; when I became interested in insects, they would take me to the park. When I was fascinated by cars, my dad would take me to the car dealership. When they saw that I loved to play tennis, they let me join lessons and drove me back and forth. They basically enabled me to stretch my imagination and potential without intrusion, which I think is critical for a young INTJ.

The biggest challenge came when there was difference of opinion. Although my parents were very good to me, they expected me to show appreciation and be a "team player" in the household which, while fair, is a different mindset for an INTJ. We occasionally had Si/Ni clashes, where I'd be expected to behave in a certain way or do certain tasks and didn't understand why they made sense. I have the vague sense that I was expected to act like a young adult at too young an age, and needed to constantly bend my own spontaneous wants to ensure that the Si/Ni misunderstandings were kept to a minimum. On the negative, I felt like I had to make my communication clear enough to be understood by any arbitrary person or else quite literally nobody would interpret me correctly and I may get into an argument, or not get my needs met. I'm actually still a little sensitive to being misinterpreted, because of all those times it was me against my parents in an argument over basically a type-related language barrier.

On the positive, having Si parents made me much stronger in an area I may have overlooked. I would consider myself much better at Sensing than most N types I know, in the sense of being more practical and grounded (some INTJ's almost seem to live in an alternate reality to me). It's not like I'm going to go make a wood carving tomorrow or something, but I can appreciate the ways in which I've learned how to keep my everyday life orderly and stable.
 

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My parents (ISFJ, ISTJ) were really fantastic. To their credit, they are both highly successful and intelligent people with self-made careers which may make my experience different than it would have been with less-developed IS_J parents.
I find this intriguing since that is where I would place my mother type-wise. I do think she's intelligent but so unbelievably controlled. Prior to discovering the MBTI I had attributed that trait to being raised in a military household.

I probably need to investigate the function stacks of the IS types.

It's not like I'm going to go make a wood carving tomorrow or something, but I can appreciate the ways in which I've learned how to keep my everyday life orderly and stable.
I think you should make that wood carving. People love homemade gifts!
 

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Exactly this. Both of my sisters were figure skaters, I am about as graceful as a rabid rhino. I wanted to play hockey, specifically be a goalie. My mom told me it was too dangerous and if I wasn't going to figure skate, I couldn't skate at all. I wouldn't skate again until I was an adult and decided to take up hockey myself. After being an MMA fighter. Which she also loved I'M SURE :rolleyes:
This remind(s) of the time my parent(s) forced me into cheerleading - I was terrible; and they still deny it (&) throw the photo(s) around as if I were ecstatic to be there. That smile was forced; all cheerleading smiles are as requirement. :biggrin:

I enjoyed wrestling (&) fighting with my brother(s), very often - I got minor injuries (sometimes); however, I was always injuring myself elsewhere, anyhow outside; or fiddling with something I was not supposed to from keen curiosities. I was for quite some time a clumsy (&) cluttered child. I had a an indifferent sense of anatomy when younger; that got stronger with age.

Mother tried "keeping me away" from many of my tendencies, but it did not work. I was having fun (&) did not think twice.

Do you think there is an "residue" from your parents' influence that you still deal with today?
Indeed — I suspect my XNTJ personality still would've developed independently; regardless of my parental influence, however, the "residue" of such parenting still continues into adulthood — such as higher ENTJ tendencies (or higher (Te)-favoritism), in a similar fashion to how Figure expressed having more refined (Si), tendencies learned from (Si), parents. In myself, I have a higher amounts of enjoyment toward(s) (Se)-like activities, and minor things, as mentioned.

There has also been instances I have tried to "break-free" of my parental guidance to enforce certain thing(s) on me, such as extroversion (e.g., being more socially engaged; branching out beyond my own imagination (&) more readily applying it without too much scrutiny / analysis), like an ENTJ would — to which I still have a keen tendency to dislike.

A lot of this thinking is a tad turbulent, and still manifests in copious amounts through my decision-making, the nurtured part of my personality — that is, and not so much the general development of the INTJ-persona.

Upon observation of other INTJ's collectively; I can surely recognize myself as INTJ — but still (differ) from some of the alleged stereotypes; due to parental influence.
 

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My father is an ESTP and my mom an INFJ.

Both thought I was borderline insane.

My father simply does not have the capacity to understand me. He is a really poorly developed ESTP. All he cares about is money, fame, fortune, so all he cares about is how he could make me rich and "successful" - with devastating effect of course. He's also highly inconsistent, and makes decisions based on the whim of the time. Highly aggressive, manipulative (works on my siblings but not me, I rebel and get beat up) and unethical. He has absolutely no guiding principles / morality and would do anything (literally) to get what he wants. He proudly calls that "pragmatic".

He's unfaithful and betrayed my mother (slept with multiple women) multiple times in their marriage, yet he thinks he's right and that "all men are like that", and if you weren't that way, you're a wimp.

Also did I mention he's an alcoholic too?

Due to his aggressive and no holds barred way of doing things, and by manipulating (overtly) other people, he has amassed a small fortune at the cost of many people wanting to strangle him. Although he is well versed in legal matters so he uses that to protect himself.

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My mom thinks I'm a robot. She has a super strong Fe and facts must to be distorted to protect the "feelings" and "integrity" of other people. I think it wouldn't be a stretch to say that she will ignore / distort the facts to protect a criminal, so that nobody's feelings got hurt.

The good thing (?) was that she would always try to shield us emotionally from the crazy that was my father. But by doing so she just keeps getting caught in the middle.

She's also incapable of saying no. Which is probably why she ended up with my father in the first place. So her life is just constantly messed up by the crazy making from my father.

I think she has really bad Ti. Most of her theories explanations are internally inconsistent / shallow, and would get destroyed by me or my sister (ENTJ). My father would just say she's incapable of thinking.

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Sometimes I think it's fucking amazing all 3 of us (siblings and I) turned out to be decent / reasonable people.
 

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to put this lightly HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL to the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, they werent supportive.

Even when it came learning, the only way i got real support was if it was something directly related to school itself. the other educational pursuits i had and took time to learn on my own away from school, such as astronomy, computers, etc were ignored in best cases and at worst i was nagged about spending so much free time not learning about something "practical" or something that i couldn't get a job in. The only reason why now that my pursuing of computers is encouraged is because i seeking a job in that field.
 

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My mother is an ESFP. We get along great, but she doesn't understand me. Growing up, I could tell she worried about my mental health. I was a very strict teenager, with OCD tendencies. I was highly interested in academics during this time, and she was not very encouraging. She wanted me to socialize and enjoy myself more. I took on the role of the parent in some respects, as I would lecture her about things she did that were irresponsible, and she would tell me to "lighten up."
 

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@SilentNote @peyandkeele Do you think your parents' lack of support and/or understanding has had an effect on you in adulthood?
I would say yes to a degree. part of that effect is on my use of Ni, i feel its not quite as developed as it could be. But it has had no effect on any of my adult responsibilities or anything like that.
 
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@SilentNote @peyandkeele Do you think your parents' lack of support and/or understanding has had an effect on you in adulthood?
Parents always have an effect on their children and I am certainly no exception.

Superficially, I'd say they made me more suspicious of authority and the capacity / capability of people for sure.

What kind of effect are you curious about?
 
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My parents were not supportive of my INTJ personality at all. The whole environment growing up, was anti-INTJ. :laughing: My parents are both extroverts, loved parties, being around people, & were only concerned about making money. Education was not important to them at all. My parents only supported me financially but in no other way. They were both abusive, verbally & physically. To them, I was like a wild horse that needed to be broken. Kids were to be seen & not heard. Which is fine for an introvert until you give an INTJ a command that makes no sense. I always got in trouble for "talking back". They didn't know I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I was just trying to understand their reasoning. So I would constantly ask, "why?" Since I would never get answers to my questions I developed a chronic case of eye rolling. :rolleyes: It continued into my early twenties until I realized they will never change, so I had to. Now I'm very patient with them & will avoid confrontation to keep the peace. I've become very good at letting things go.

Since my parents both worked a lot I was usually home alone with my siblings so I was able to enjoy that independence. I learned how to run a household at a very young age. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, & took care of young children all by myself. To my younger siblings, I was 'mom'. My parents would just give me the money & I took care of everything. Granted it wasn't what I wanted to be doing but at least I had a measure of freedom. I think it did solidify my decision to never have children of my own.

However I am glad that I was forced to "smile", be personable, & even charismatic. Those traits have helped me get through life. They definitely helped me at school & work.

I'm a little resentful of my father because he was absent a lot. Even now I invite him to go eat or something & he always has some excuse not to go. But when my half siblings from his first marriage invite him he almost always goes. :dry: Funny cause of my two parents, I share more things in common with him, like my love for travel & music. Even though he always tries to discourage me from traveling somewhere he thinks is dangerous, he should know by now that I can take care of myself.

I'm not resentful towards my mother even though she was probably the most abusive. Because I know she has always had some type of mental illness, I'm more forgiving. I'm her caregiver now, it's easier because she is on medication.

Edit: I have to say being an INTJ was a protection in my household. My siblings were affected much more because of the lack of affection, approval, neglect, & abuse, than I was. I never took the verbal abuse personal because I viewed it as their opinion but not as truth. I have always had self confidence even though my self esteem is low. In other words I believe I can do anything I put my mind to. And since I don't care what anybody thinks, approval is not needed. And lastly, I thrive with neglect, like a cactus. :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Parents always have an effect on their children and I am certainly no exception.

Superficially, I'd say they made me more suspicious of authority and the capacity / capability of people for sure.

What kind of effect are you curious about?
I suppose superficial is a lot of what it would be, really. My example with myself would be my mother's constant discouragement is still a little, floating head when I need to confront a problem. Or the fact that I wonder if I would be doing something far more interesting with my life if I had been encouraged to explore my interests vs my mother trying to change me into something she found more palatable.

In my opinion, we are born INTJ, it's not something where outside influences can completely alter course but can leave an impression. I guess the curiosity would be if there are things you struggle with or possibly excel at something as a result of your upbringing that you don't think would have been there otherwise. But I think you answered the question when you said "suspicion."
 

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Since my parents both worked a lot I was usually home alone with my siblings so I was able to enjoy that independence. I learned how to run a household at a very young age. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, & took care of young children all by myself. To my younger siblings, I was 'mom'. My parents would just give me the money & I took care of everything. Granted it wasn't what I wanted to be doing but at least I had a measure of freedom. I think it did solidify my decision to never have children of my own.
I had an extremely similar upbringing. My youngest sister still refers to me as her mother.

If anything I'd say your parents took advantage of your INTJ personality
 

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My mother is an ESFP. We get along great, but she doesn't understand me. Growing up, I could tell she worried about my mental health. I was a very strict teenager, with OCD tendencies. I was highly interested in academics during this time, and she was not very encouraging. She wanted me to socialize and enjoy myself more. I took on the role of the parent in some respects, as I would lecture her about things she did that were irresponsible, and she would tell me to "lighten up."
I can relate to this completely. The relationship with my mother was the same, I was always a "parent" to her.
 
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