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Did your parents support your INTJ personality as a child

6K views 59 replies 27 participants last post by  stathamspeacoat 
#1 ·
I was discussing this topic with my very good ISTP friend the other night. His parents were very encouraging of his ISTP tendencies. As a young child they took him to bowling alleys, car washes and any other places where he was intrigued by the mechanics. His father traveled often for work but when he was home would take him on these excursions, sometimes to the same place multiple times and patiently wait while my friend was allowed to tour behind the scenes of these places, learning how the machines worked and asking questions. As a result, my friend is very gifted with machinery. Understands them almost intrinsically and builds amazing machines on his own. Very successful entrepreneur and he's only in his mid-20s.

On the other hand are my parents. I was always the "weird" kid. When I was interested in something scientific, my mother did not want to be bothered with buying me things or taking me places to explore these interests. Many times it was met with "you won't be able to do that" or "nobody really does that as a job." I was often told that certain career paths were "not for girls." The only thing that was encouraged was reading which I took and ran. The boy I had my first crush on in 6th grade used to sit with me at lunch and we would see who could read the longest books, often books 1,000+ pages long. Nowadays that "boy" is a professor at Cal *swoon*

Anyways, it took me a long time to be comfortable with my INTJ traits (probably my 30s while I only learned about MBTI this past year. what a relief that was) and I embrace them. I realize now that my parents did not know what to do with a little girl who wanted to build lasers while everyone else's daughters wanted to go to the mall. In adulthood, I went from being a grunt at my current job to leaping over all of the employees into management within a few months to creating my own department managing and repairing all of the diagnostic equipment, which I learned how to do on my own. Always, though, there will be a part of me that can't help feeling like I missed out on realizing my full potential due to the fact that I was discouraged from exploring my childhood interests. I still have a nagging self-doubt as well. There's always a moment when a machine needs repair that I think "I can't do it. I won't be able to fix it." and I have to "swipe left" on that and handle the situation (which I always do. The company that makes one of the systems told me if I ever need a job to call them :cool:)

Sorry so long, I felt the background was important and, perhaps on a level, cathartic. I am interested to hear if what I have experienced is common. If you did experience it, I am curious to know if it is something you still struggle with although I know certain factors are generally considered INTJ traits regardless of upbringing.
 
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#2 ·
@stathamspeacoat do you know what types your parents are? It sounds like your mom is a SJ.

I get on fairly well with my parents. I'm an upperclassman in high school, and they're separated and in the process of a divorce. I split my time between them. We're all Ns though (including my INTP twin brother), which I think is atypical and why I find it a lot easier to connect to them.

My parents have generally supported my interests. My mom bought me a few MBTI related books in the past few months, and many more other books for pleasure over the years.

I've always gotten along better with my mother, who is an INTJ (though she's developed to the point where she seems INFP a lot of the time). She understands me better, doesn't pressure me to talk to her about stuff, and generally leaves me alone when I want to be left alone and let's me do my own thing. We can (and do) just talk about random N stuff for hours. She's a lot less strict than my dad, and doesn't become super irrational about dumb stuff like he does.

(Great example: my dad was supposed to pick my brother and I up last night, and it was 5:30 or so. He had texted me a few times, but I was asleep. I woke up when he called. He asked if we just wanted to stay at our moms for the night at that point because it would probably be easier. We hung up so I could talk to my brother and mom about it, and we decided to stay. I text my dad that. Half an hour later, I get a passive aggressive text about how he wished we would've told him about our plans to stay at our moms earlier. There were no plans to do that until he brought it up!)

My dad is an ENFJ and gets really upset whenever I don't follow a rule he made up on the spot "just because he said so". He also wants to know all the ins and outs of my emotional life which gets irritating. He's not particularly consistent either, because most of his judgements about stuff are based on however he's feeling at that moment. That bugs me a lot. He can be great and supportive when he wants to be as well.

Interestingly, my INTP brother gets along much better with my dad than my mom. So the opposite of me. We've gotten into fights about it before.
 
#4 ·
My dad is an ENFJ and gets really upset whenever I don't follow a rule he made up on the spot "just because he said so". He also wants to know all the ins and outs of my emotional life which gets irritating. He's not particularly consistent either, because most of his judgments about stuff are based on however he's feeling at that moment. That bugs me a lot. He can be great and supportive when he wants to be as well.
Your father is a lot like my elder sister, haha.
 
#3 · (Edited)
My parent(s) did not care about Myers Briggs™ — as my personality development (via) childhood ...

I was assumed to have a mental-malfunction(s) ::

___________________


(A) Playing alone; making up scenarios with myself; abnormally having discussion(s) with myself.


(B) Too imaginative [writing novels, taking my computer apart, instead of doing HW].


(C) (A)-social - more interested in the environment, bugs, plants - than peers.

What is interesting, however, is I did start off moderately extroverted when very young; (&) then fell very silent (&) then high-functioning socialization + attention became less, and less enjoyable and interesting, I then closed off into introversion around 5th grade, or so. Not sure what occurred.


(D) Questioning / talking back to teachers too much; but never caused trouble with them. (was a favorite; but an annoyance). I preferred to hold conversation(s) with them, to which they felt were inappropriate for my age, I suspect with the maturity level of the content. Mom had to be phone-called often to explain.


(E) Skeptical of classroom rules; did not sharing with others, being told to sit in the corner.


(F) Studying astronomy books in English class (&) getting in trouble for not paying attention. Likely reading beyond the curriculum; or something completely differential from the assignments during class. (I wanted to do what I wanted; when ready). It was rather rude - parent(s) were always informed (&) I got in trouble at home.

__

etc. — and was repetitively tested for mental disabilities, mostly ADD. Parents were frustrated when the results were blank. I was rather interested in technology since young; so always conjugated around my brother(s), they had all the "cool toys" (e.g., legos, blocks, video games), etc., I craved. Mother thought I was too close to them in interests (&) other means, perhaps in some form of sick incestous relations - so always questioned "what we were doing all the time" - no incest, however, it was them that introduced me to pornography. ;snort;

Parent(s) were also cautious I may get hurt from playing rough / wrestling around all the time with the boys, so if not with them, I was at the adults table listening in to current event(s) / interesting topics, parents supported this - but other adults did not. As it is known I should've been around more peers.

After such (mental) result(s) came out neutral; parents left me alone and accepted my personality traits, however, continued to "force" me into extroverted high (Se)-activities for a "push".

Parent(s) were both ENTJ — so they could not understand why I was more "slower" than them; but thought so similar (&) suspected I was just developing slowly into "them", which was not the case. I would say; parents were relatively indifferent about my interests, and continued to push their agenda - as they were still highly similar.
 
#7 ·
Parent(s) were also cautious I may get hurt from playing rough / wrestling around all the time with the boys, so if not with them, I was at the adults table listening in to current event(s) / interesting topics, parents supported this - but other adults did not. As it is known I should've been around more peers.
Exactly this. Both of my sisters were figure skaters, I am about as graceful as a rabid rhino. I wanted to play hockey, specifically be a goalie. My mom told me it was too dangerous and if I wasn't going to figure skate, I couldn't skate at all. I wouldn't skate again until I was an adult and decided to take up hockey myself. After being an MMA fighter. Which she also loved I'M SURE :rolleyes:

Do you think there is an "residue" from your parents' influence that you still deal with today?
 
#5 ·
In terms of doing whatever I liked, I was not once discouraged. As it has been, my parents actually enjoyed learning new things through their children.
 

My elder sister (enfj) knew she wanted to get a serious education when she was in high school, but she did not have a precise hobby. She decided to become an architect. While she was in grade 10 my parents would drive her to another city to meet with one of the best professors in my country and learn what she needed to get into the university she'd chosen. I'd join sometimes, too.
Then in grade 11 she thought it through and concluded she'd always actually liked Biology, so she wanted to pursue a medical degree. While my father doubted she could do it, my mother was overly excited. They both supported her.

I remember when we were nine, my twin sister (entj) and I became very interested in learning Japanese. Upon the next hour of hearing it, my father went shopping and got us a dozen books to study after. I got indeed happy our new hobby caused him such great enthusiasm.

Then, I've had an interest in computer science from the age of thirteen. I was reluctant to let my parents know until I got into high school, but this was because at the time I'd gotten taken with hacking sites I shouldn't have had any business with as a kid and was afraid they would snap. But at some point I told them I'd hacked my elder sister and they were... overjoyed. My twin told them about my 'history' with hacking and they got excited about that, too. It cracked me up so hard.


I could have thought that, given both of my parents have always been into exact sciences, it was natural for them to wish for their children to hold similar interests. But this is untrue. My sister is an artist, and she wanted to pursue her dream of designing a bridge. She took private sketching and painting classes for many years. She was supported by our parents in this, yet she decided on her own to change her path and go into engineering instead. (Now maybe she will build that bridge herself haha)

What my family doesn't put up with too much is my tendency to stray away from civilisation and end up with my nose inside a book (or e-book) instead. That's always been hard for them to swallow, because they'd prefer it if I went to parties and got drunk sometimes.

They don't know about mbti. I don't even suppose they know what an introvert is (even though my father is one). They might be really ignorant on this side. They don't know much about the habits of our minds and I don't want to imagine starting a conversation with them on mental health...

Now, I do not believe there will be a pattern of intj having parents who did not support them growing up. That shouldn't have to do with personality type, but it's an interesting subject to discuss.
 
#8 ·
My parents (ISFJ, ISTJ) were really fantastic. To their credit, they are both highly successful and intelligent people with self-made careers which may make my experience different than it would have been with less-developed IS_J parents.

The biggest thing my parents did correctly in raising me was to give me my space and autonomy, yet always be there if I needed them. Because I had Si parents, my physical and material needs were always really well cared for. Our household was always very organized, comfortable, abundant, and stable with very little chaos or disruption in everyday life. Although my parents didn't always understand my interests and sometimes worried that I was a little "different" from other children they were always supportive of those interests, and never got in the way of my learning. They were terrific facilitators; when I became interested in insects, they would take me to the park. When I was fascinated by cars, my dad would take me to the car dealership. When they saw that I loved to play tennis, they let me join lessons and drove me back and forth. They basically enabled me to stretch my imagination and potential without intrusion, which I think is critical for a young INTJ.

The biggest challenge came when there was difference of opinion. Although my parents were very good to me, they expected me to show appreciation and be a "team player" in the household which, while fair, is a different mindset for an INTJ. We occasionally had Si/Ni clashes, where I'd be expected to behave in a certain way or do certain tasks and didn't understand why they made sense. I have the vague sense that I was expected to act like a young adult at too young an age, and needed to constantly bend my own spontaneous wants to ensure that the Si/Ni misunderstandings were kept to a minimum. On the negative, I felt like I had to make my communication clear enough to be understood by any arbitrary person or else quite literally nobody would interpret me correctly and I may get into an argument, or not get my needs met. I'm actually still a little sensitive to being misinterpreted, because of all those times it was me against my parents in an argument over basically a type-related language barrier.

On the positive, having Si parents made me much stronger in an area I may have overlooked. I would consider myself much better at Sensing than most N types I know, in the sense of being more practical and grounded (some INTJ's almost seem to live in an alternate reality to me). It's not like I'm going to go make a wood carving tomorrow or something, but I can appreciate the ways in which I've learned how to keep my everyday life orderly and stable.
 
#9 ·
My parents (ISFJ, ISTJ) were really fantastic. To their credit, they are both highly successful and intelligent people with self-made careers which may make my experience different than it would have been with less-developed IS_J parents.
I find this intriguing since that is where I would place my mother type-wise. I do think she's intelligent but so unbelievably controlled. Prior to discovering the MBTI I had attributed that trait to being raised in a military household.

I probably need to investigate the function stacks of the IS types.

It's not like I'm going to go make a wood carving tomorrow or something, but I can appreciate the ways in which I've learned how to keep my everyday life orderly and stable.
I think you should make that wood carving. People love homemade gifts!
 
#11 ·
My father is an ESTP and my mom an INFJ.

Both thought I was borderline insane.

My father simply does not have the capacity to understand me. He is a really poorly developed ESTP. All he cares about is money, fame, fortune, so all he cares about is how he could make me rich and "successful" - with devastating effect of course. He's also highly inconsistent, and makes decisions based on the whim of the time. Highly aggressive, manipulative (works on my siblings but not me, I rebel and get beat up) and unethical. He has absolutely no guiding principles / morality and would do anything (literally) to get what he wants. He proudly calls that "pragmatic".

He's unfaithful and betrayed my mother (slept with multiple women) multiple times in their marriage, yet he thinks he's right and that "all men are like that", and if you weren't that way, you're a wimp.

Also did I mention he's an alcoholic too?

Due to his aggressive and no holds barred way of doing things, and by manipulating (overtly) other people, he has amassed a small fortune at the cost of many people wanting to strangle him. Although he is well versed in legal matters so he uses that to protect himself.

----------------

My mom thinks I'm a robot. She has a super strong Fe and facts must to be distorted to protect the "feelings" and "integrity" of other people. I think it wouldn't be a stretch to say that she will ignore / distort the facts to protect a criminal, so that nobody's feelings got hurt.

The good thing (?) was that she would always try to shield us emotionally from the crazy that was my father. But by doing so she just keeps getting caught in the middle.

She's also incapable of saying no. Which is probably why she ended up with my father in the first place. So her life is just constantly messed up by the crazy making from my father.

I think she has really bad Ti. Most of her theories explanations are internally inconsistent / shallow, and would get destroyed by me or my sister (ENTJ). My father would just say she's incapable of thinking.

-----------------

Sometimes I think it's fucking amazing all 3 of us (siblings and I) turned out to be decent / reasonable people.
 
#12 ·
to put this lightly HHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL to the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, they werent supportive.

Even when it came learning, the only way i got real support was if it was something directly related to school itself. the other educational pursuits i had and took time to learn on my own away from school, such as astronomy, computers, etc were ignored in best cases and at worst i was nagged about spending so much free time not learning about something "practical" or something that i couldn't get a job in. The only reason why now that my pursuing of computers is encouraged is because i seeking a job in that field.
 
#13 ·
My mother is an ESFP. We get along great, but she doesn't understand me. Growing up, I could tell she worried about my mental health. I was a very strict teenager, with OCD tendencies. I was highly interested in academics during this time, and she was not very encouraging. She wanted me to socialize and enjoy myself more. I took on the role of the parent in some respects, as I would lecture her about things she did that were irresponsible, and she would tell me to "lighten up."
 
#15 ·
I would say yes to a degree. part of that effect is on my use of Ni, i feel its not quite as developed as it could be. But it has had no effect on any of my adult responsibilities or anything like that.
 
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#16 ·
Parents always have an effect on their children and I am certainly no exception.

Superficially, I'd say they made me more suspicious of authority and the capacity / capability of people for sure.

What kind of effect are you curious about?
 
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#17 · (Edited)
My parents were not supportive of my INTJ personality at all. The whole environment growing up, was anti-INTJ. :laughing: My parents are both extroverts, loved parties, being around people, & were only concerned about making money. Education was not important to them at all. My parents only supported me financially but in no other way. They were both abusive, verbally & physically. To them, I was like a wild horse that needed to be broken. Kids were to be seen & not heard. Which is fine for an introvert until you give an INTJ a command that makes no sense. I always got in trouble for "talking back". They didn't know I wasn't trying to be disrespectful, I was just trying to understand their reasoning. So I would constantly ask, "why?" Since I would never get answers to my questions I developed a chronic case of eye rolling. :rolleyes: It continued into my early twenties until I realized they will never change, so I had to. Now I'm very patient with them & will avoid confrontation to keep the peace. I've become very good at letting things go.

Since my parents both worked a lot I was usually home alone with my siblings so I was able to enjoy that independence. I learned how to run a household at a very young age. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, & took care of young children all by myself. To my younger siblings, I was 'mom'. My parents would just give me the money & I took care of everything. Granted it wasn't what I wanted to be doing but at least I had a measure of freedom. I think it did solidify my decision to never have children of my own.

However I am glad that I was forced to "smile", be personable, & even charismatic. Those traits have helped me get through life. They definitely helped me at school & work.

I'm a little resentful of my father because he was absent a lot. Even now I invite him to go eat or something & he always has some excuse not to go. But when my half siblings from his first marriage invite him he almost always goes. :dry: Funny cause of my two parents, I share more things in common with him, like my love for travel & music. Even though he always tries to discourage me from traveling somewhere he thinks is dangerous, he should know by now that I can take care of myself.

I'm not resentful towards my mother even though she was probably the most abusive. Because I know she has always had some type of mental illness, I'm more forgiving. I'm her caregiver now, it's easier because she is on medication.

Edit: I have to say being an INTJ was a protection in my household. My siblings were affected much more because of the lack of affection, approval, neglect, & abuse, than I was. I never took the verbal abuse personal because I viewed it as their opinion but not as truth. I have always had self confidence even though my self esteem is low. In other words I believe I can do anything I put my mind to. And since I don't care what anybody thinks, approval is not needed. And lastly, I thrive with neglect, like a cactus. :wink:
 
#19 ·
Since my parents both worked a lot I was usually home alone with my siblings so I was able to enjoy that independence. I learned how to run a household at a very young age. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, & took care of young children all by myself. To my younger siblings, I was 'mom'. My parents would just give me the money & I took care of everything. Granted it wasn't what I wanted to be doing but at least I had a measure of freedom. I think it did solidify my decision to never have children of my own.
I had an extremely similar upbringing. My youngest sister still refers to me as her mother.

If anything I'd say your parents took advantage of your INTJ personality
 
#21 ·
I have an INTJ close friend and from what he says, his parents have always been supportive of him. I recalled him telling me that at least one of his parents is an N. His family is kinda well-off with a stable business, yet his father will not just simply let him inherit the business but invest in his education so he can choose whatever he wants to do in life later on (which is a researcher).
 
#22 ·
When I was a kid I was praised for my good behavior, intelligence, politeness, and patience, but that's the extent of my positive reinforcement.

My mother and I had big quarrels during puberty because she simply wanted to relate and understand me but she couldn't at all, and I didn't know how to explain myself. She always wanted me to make friends because "that's what's normal," at that age. I made a point to only have a few friends tops, because I didn't like big groups. Still don't.

Many people, including adults thought I had a serious problem, being able to space off anywhere and block out 99% of external stimulus. My father was very concerned when I developed a unique understanding of biblical scripture that he thought was too counter-culture and radical for someone to think at my age. "Their loss" I thought.

I still think I have some deep-seated resentment about being misunderstood. I didn't like being called "smart." That was an over-simplification. No one seemed to acknowledge my "will," or the specifics of my understandings. But what am I going to do feel sorry for myself? No, I was loved by both my parents, even if they misunderstood me. It's hard to ask for more than that.
 
#25 ·
I still think I have some deep-seated resentment about being misunderstood. I didn't like being called "smart." That was an over-simplification. No one seemed to acknowledge my "will," or the specifics of my understandings. But what am I going to do feel sorry for myself? No, I was loved by both my parents, even if they misunderstood me. It's hard to ask for more than that.
I identify with this - no one was seeing the forest for the trees. It is frustrating to have depth and complexity but no one wants to take the time to recognize that aspect of you. I have a similar aversion to being labeled "smart."

I tried until this year to get respect from my family for my ideas and concepts, but then I found accidentally MBTI while my internet wanderings.

Now I understand myself, my need for structures, my strange thoughts, the differences between me and them, and I have the option to either use it to better the harmony in my family, which is not so good… or to let it be.

I am just starting to be more structured and organizing myself and my environment and do my own thing. And the self-doubts are mostly gone. Time to rule my world!
It's great that you are at this point. When I moved out and just let me "be me" I was a much happier person. From the thread responses, it seems as though many of us had to deal with being compared to siblings and peers because our families didn't understand. Glad you found your swagger!
 
#23 ·
Please excuse my bad grammar here and there, I am from Germany ;)

- Father, ENFJ, now 68, first business man, then author of books for poXitive thXnking, then a wannabe spiritual guru. No contact since years.
- Mother, ESFP, now 65, first office employee, then part-time work in other areas because the computers got to complicated for her to work in an office (rapid changes in the 80s and 90s). She became a trainer in our sports club in aerobics and gymnastics, and introduced us brothers there too (soccer and more)
- Brother, ISFP, now 45, first a highly intelligent and expressive but sensitive child with best notes in school, and high interest in technology, science and programming, and later a computer scientist, with family and high income.

----------------------------------------------------------

My parents got divorced when I was 4, and my brother got nurtured and found his interests until then. I just began with 4 years to discover the world.
First, I was told to be too precocious and cheeky, then my mother said I should think less, and just do it (whatever), because thinking is not good, it leads to pondering. They found my ideas and fantasies more like daydreams, and not as concepts. My wish for structure and household schedules was rejected, because if You see something, just do it. We can do it, so You can do it too! And don´t sit in Your room, go out and play with the other kids.

My brother was always the best at school, so I was always compared to him. If he can do it, why can´t You? Please be more like him. This was all the worse as my brother began to bully me for years (I think he used me to let off his pressure), physically and verbally, until I reacted often with loud screams (after physically bullying).
The neighbours complained about this, and I was the one to be blamed. Not one time my mother said something to him, he was nearly perfect and taboo. Important was what other people could think or say about her family, so we had to function healthily…. One time I was going home and thinking and my eyes were on the ground, and someone from her sportsclub people told her that i looked so sad. She said that i had to look normal, so nobody would complain about me. Yeah…

My father was only ever interested in my brother, because he couldn´t see anything useful in me for his plans. He was never really interested in my thoughts and opinions. I gave up on him.

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So I „learned“, thinking is not good, my ideas are nothing special, i am very emotional and sensitive (because I was so much crying and screaming), and I have to be flexible everyday, not to forget I have to be social and always nice and polite etc… but I have to be as good as my brother!

I achieved my high-school diploma, and tried 2 years in a academic highschool, but I was too unprepared and unstructured.

This whole thing bothered me very very long. I felt like an alien, was very insecure and not stress-resistant. I lost every fight in games against my brother (he has talent in strategy too), and didn´t know what to do with me and my life. My only interests left were reading (comics (Marvel, DC, etc), books (historic, mythical, sci-fi, fantasy, philosophical, psychological)) and playing games, having interests in toys.

Because I was in the sports club, I became an assistant trainer in children gymnastics, and tried then a school for kindergarteners, but this felt wrong.
Then an apprenticeship for sales assistants, and later a retraining to become a management assistant in IT-systems.
I thought, my parents were business/office people, and my brother is programmer, so perhaps it could fit me, but no…

All the time I was trying to find myself through astrology, psychology, etc..

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Then with 28, I thought something is missing, something which the others had.
So I parted from my family, and moved over 300 miles away to online friends, and tried a life without family and with new people (many a little bit crazy), an adventure.
I made many experiences here, became slowly more socially skilled, and have now a job since 9 years with an income of meanwhile 35,000 dollars/year for a part-time-work, which is ok for now.
(In the meantime I read nearly hundred manga series, and I am continuing this, because it was good for my power of imagination and it gave me many ideas)

I tried until this year to get respect from my family for my ideas and concepts, but then I found accidentally MBTI while my internet wanderings.

Now I understand myself, my need for structures, my strange thoughts, the differences between me and them, and I have the option to either use it to better the harmony in my family, which is not so good… or to let it be.

I am just starting to be more structured and organizing myself and my environment and do my own thing. And the self-doubts are mostly gone. Time to rule my world!
 
#24 ·
I view the neglect as support for this INTJ.

The abuse is character building.

The deliberate withholding of appropriate educational opportunities and physical provisions was a lesson in resourcefulness and independence.

I am so grateful to have been born an INTJ and to have received "good enough" parenting from my INFP? Mom in my early years before she died. Being stuck with my ISTJ + personality disordered abusive Dad is disappointing, of course, but it affects INTJ me far less than you would expect and I am stronger and smarter for it. I don't believe my upbringing affected my personality type but I think it's had a big impact on my character, my maturity, my skills and learning. I am also very grateful that my parents are introverted. No problem getting enough alone time.

Even with neglect, as @Mmmm said, I am like a cactus that thrives with it. With the abuse, at one point I pulled a fight club and hit myself repeatedly right before seeing my Dad's friends leaving them shocked and not knowing what to think. Amusingly my Dad never even asked about that but never hit me again. When my Mom died he wanted to play power games with food. So I lied about my age and got a job to buy my own rather than give him the satisfaction of feeling my frustration. That financial independence has grown into a big strength of mine. He withheld educational opportunities. I found a way to turn that in my favor. He says discouraging or mean things. I ignore or thank him for thinking of me. I give him zero satisfaction.

It's like the movie Home Alone only I'm dealing with narcissistic psychopath long term rather than burglars one night. I don't mean to make light of a serious and sad situation but since this doesn't hurt me anymore, it is a little funny to me to have been born so willful and independent that this big bad guy is ultimately outwitted and/or disabled at every turn. My Dad and I are at the point now where we avoid each other for the most part. I only see him in passing every other day despite living together. I sense he knows I'm not frightened anymore and see him as a coward and a bad father. I think we are both looking forward to me going to college and cutting ties.
 
#26 ·
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#30 ·
i'm not much on the my-parents-ruined-my-life wagon these days, but that could just be because i've been a grownup far too long for that to still fly. comes an age imo where if you're still blaming your parents for how your life IS then you're permanently infantilizing yourself and something is wrong. identify the stuff that isn't best-suited for you, sure. but then make different calls and move on.

with all that said: i don't think intj was well-suited for a female child in the 1960's and 70's. maybe especially not for my collectivist/totalitarian culture or for parents who were both born in the 1920's. so i had my personal revolution against all that headspeak as well. but i don't think it's as simple as 'i'm an intj and if my parents had been more on my side i'd be a different person today.' there were things about life that would have been easier if someone had understood my point of view. and there were contexts where things about me got supported and other contexts where the same things were not.

with long hindsight, i don't know how different or intj-specific any of that really is. i don't think any parent perfectly gets inside the head of any child. and i don't think any child really grows up without having to look at the headspeak their parents gave them, and make their own calls about whether to keep listening to it or not.
 
#31 ·
I think as I aged I just became more "understanding" of how unprepared and how little foresight they had for raising children. I certainly do not "blame" my parents for whatever predicament / problem I have as an adult these days. For me it's simply a matter of what I wanna do and how I'm going to achieve it. My parents are just another pawn in my game of chess.

Nobody should blame their parents for failings of their own life, because you are always in full control of it (unless you're enslaved etc.).
 
#34 ·
I'm really curious about this question bc in the end, you inherit your parents genes, and end up like them in more ways than you'd like to admit. Since this thread seems to imply there is a possibility of negative traits in existence, especially since I've grown older, I definitely start to notice some similar tendencies within members of my family.

That said, even if there are similarities, differences arise. Other times, there are differences in personalities, but both add to a common goal, which results in support.

I'm not intj, and I've never felt there was a lack of support for who I am as a person. I think the times there were conflict (which there was a lot of, at times), it came from differences in seeing the world how we do, which often lead to differences in values. Sure, a lot of these do seem to be rooted in mbti differences (10 y/o me was pretty much describing Fi vs Ti clash w/o knowing the terminology :p), but I'd never say that was the cause of these conflicts.


There were certain things my parents were "supportive" of, one of the greatest in freedom, which is all an Ne user can ask for. Again, I think that comes more from a similar viewpoint about the world more than much else. I think it's so hard to judge whether your parents were supportive of your personality or not bc your personality has flaws and can get you into trouble especially if the flaws are untamed. On the other hand, you want them to support your strengths and allow you to be who you are.

No doubt I'm overthinking this question and I might be missing the point. Very fair. [emoji14]
 
#36 · (Edited)
I'm really curious about this question bc in the end, you inherit your parents genes, and end up like them in more ways than you'd like to admit. Since this thread seems to imply there is a possibility of negative traits in existence, especially since I've grown older, I definitely start to notice some similar tendencies within members of my family.
I have a daughter of my own - I have a theory that the way you treat your own children is either in agreement or, conversely, a rejection of your parents' method of child rearing. My daughter is an INFP - there are absolutely facets of this dynamic that I struggle with. Teenage girl INFP plus INTJ mom is really something sometimes, I'll tell you. I make every effort to be a supportive/guiding influence because I believe that is my responsibility to her. To help her find HER place in the world, not enforce my personal agenda. At the same time, I would prefer my daughter not turn out like a character from "Rent," living in an abandoned building in order to achieve her artistic dreams. I definitely hear my mother's negativity climbing up my throat at times and I admit, it screws with my head.

I have not harbored any hard feelings towards my mother since adulthood. I understand now that most people are ill-prepared for what parenting ACTUALLY entails and ultimately, what's done is done. She did what she felt was the right thing to do at the time. It's not so much blaming as musing and perhaps not understanding why there was so much resistance towards my desire to explore "unfeminine" pursuits. I think that's where my thought process loops: being someone who thrives on exploration, I cannot reconcile the idea of quashing someone's desire to explore. I have never been able to wrap my head around that aspect and most likely never will.
 
#37 · (Edited)
I do not disagree.

Even if we disregard MBTI, my mother is just the type of person that will enforce and adhere to tradition as well as the "rank and file." Prior to discovering the MBTI, I had attributed it to her being raised in a military household. Meanwhile, I have always been the type that would rather look at all available options and decide for myself. If I like it, I like it - I just happened to enjoy things that the other little girls did not and never acknowledged any pressure, at least from my peers, to conform.

No matter what the root was, me wanting to be a little mad scientist was still in opposition to what everyone else's daughters were doing and she would not support that.
 
#39 ·
Far from that. My mom keeps telling me to be more confident, have more self esteem, be more sociable, etc up until this day. Sure, maybe she wants me to be more 'balanced'. But, she's also always telling people how different I am from my sister, that I'm unconfident, have no self esteem, anti social, set in my ways. There's no excuse for that. I'm done trying to make her (or people in general) understand. If they do, they do, and vice versa.
 
#40 ·
They weren't very supportive but they didn't try to change me that much too. They used to try when I was a child especially my dad controling me grounding me for stupid reasons or trying to fix my bad not girly handwriting by making me rewrite pages from books and shouting at me which I always thought was just stupid and unnecessary. But he was pleased to discover that I liked math and overall did well at school so when I was a bit older and my sister dropped out of uni because of them they took a little bit different approach. Basically, I think that they realised that I don't need anybody controlling me to do my work and in fact I do better on my own so they let it be like that and it worked on a basis of trust, they only checked my grades twice a year. My parents themselves didn't have a high school diploma, they had a kind of education specifically for a given job, it was a working class family. However strict I made my dad look, my parents were generally quite easy for me to please. Basically, I was way more ambitious that they would probably imagine, I wish they could show me that sooner. When you grow up in a working class family I think it is easy to fall into that mindset of some things being not for people like you and I think that they themselves had trouble to look beyond some boundaries.
They didn't really take me anywhere, they were fine with things I would find for myself to pursue though as long as it did not cost them. They did try to encourage some more girlyness but they understood that I was different so they made more like a suggestion, they knew it wouldn't have affected me anyway. I was weird for my family, they knew it, I knew it, we even talked about this but I was fortunate enough to be given quite a lot of freedom growing up. I think they wish I would go out more and have boyfriends like other teenage girls, they say I'm cold, they even thought I was dating someone for a while but then they realised that I was literally going on those walks alone or with my best and only entp friend. My ISTJ mom though always had a problem with me not caring about what others think and being a bit messy and not paying attrntion to details. There are still some things that I don't argue about with them, like it's clear that we have different views on things like sexualities, politics, social standards. I don't know if I'll ever tell them that I don't believe in god. I wouldn't lie if they asked me but it's hard for me to just bring it up, they'd probably think that I had lost all of the remainings of a soul I still had haha (btw english is not my first language so ya know)
 
#41 ·
Yeah I generally don't offer any information that will cause conflict if I don't need to. Not because I'm afraid of conflict (I'm definitely not) but because some people won't let it go and great, now that's something else I have to hear from this person, like a broken record. You're doing the right thing.
 
#42 ·
My parents supported me pretty well up until the moment I entered high school at age 12. Once I got into high school, my parents stopped pushing me in my studies, they stopped making me do my home works, I was a lazy teenager and neither my parents or my teachers seemed to care. I know I didn't... I had no clue what I wanted to do later in life. Every times I'd say something was interesting I'd get shut down with negative criticisms instead of constructive comments to help me get where I wanted to go. They go on about every problems I might encounter if I went down that road instead of finding solutions. They still do It today too, I hate that...

It was more around the time I finished high school and turned 18 that my parents noticed something was different about me. I didn't go out, I didn't have friends, I never had a girlfriend. The perfect opposite of what people normally do. They even sat me down one day to ask me if I was gay or something. lol

I remember them yelling at me multiple times "Go out, meet people" and I was like "What? Who exactly am I supposed to meet, I don't know anyone". I honestly didn't know at the time that people my age went to bars to meet people, In my mind a bar was a hole where drunkards hung out. But my parents never elaborated on how I could go about meeting new people, where I could go, how I could develop social skills. They just assumed it'd be easy If I just started talking to complete strangers or something : /

They honestly had no Idea how to deal with me really. Had they just elaborated a bit instead of yelling the same 2 lines over and over again I'd probably be better off today.
 
#46 ·
It was more around the time I finished high school and turned 18 that my parents noticed something was different about me. I didn't go out, I didn't have friends, I never had a girlfriend. The perfect opposite of what people normally do. They even sat me down one day to ask me if I was gay or something. lol

I remember them yelling at me multiple times "Go out, meet people" and I was like "What? Who exactly am I supposed to meet, I don't know anyone". I honestly didn't know at the time that people my age went to bars to meet people, In my mind a bar was a hole where drunkards hung out. But my parents never elaborated on how I could go about meeting new people, where I could go, how I could develop social skills. They just assumed it'd be easy If I just started talking to complete strangers or something : /
It's funny how no one's parents ever ask if they are happy. Just unsolicited advice.
 
#43 ·
@stathamspeacoat

My parents are both S types, one is Introverted(father) one is Extroverted(mom).
Well my parents has never wanted to support what I dreamed about, until recently where my mom said she did believe in my dream(only a little bit).

When I was a kid mostly my father used to say to me, that I could never do anything I dreamed about doing without an education, even if I had plan figured out and everything, my mom kinda always supported his words. I was such a good boy back then that I would stupidly/naively listen to my parents and what they told me, even if it was discouraging me.
After that I told to myself that I would never listen to them about what I wanted to do, I only wanted to listen to myself on what I was going to do with my life(Still am).

Right now my parents says they care so much about me and what I am going to do with my life, they would even help me figure it out(Like I haven't even figure anything out to do with my life, I have figure something out), but it should be something like taking an education get back to school, where I just escaped from(It was absolut hell). Or going the normal way of living your life, Get a boring shit hole job to do the rest of my life.

My father usually says to me, I do nothing with my life all day long, What I am actually doing I am trying to program something that I know will become a thing in the future. He lacks the power to see in the future(no wonder why my parents are not married anymore).

My father is a very snobbish about his educations(About 2 engineering degrees and a MBA), it's almost like he feels like he can't be unsuccessful because of his educations. Because of that, I think he is going to be very unsuccessful in his newly started business(it's almost like I know that, that business is gone in 5 years).
He always discourages me because I want to start a company, out from that program that I am programming(I learned how to code when I was 15, when I was 14 I looking for things that could do so I could escape from this life I had at the time).

The way I want to go in life will make me a billionaire, but my parents they don't understand that, they don't see it like that. My parents are very middel class like.

Another example of how I am misunderstood by my parents, my mom does not understand Introverts, she does not understand that people like me do not need many people in life or she can't understand wanting to be alone all the god damn time or approach random people on the streets and then start a random conversation with them about a random subject for no reason(If someone can't do that they are weak in her opinion).

When I was a kid, I enjoyed taking old computers, electronics or other interesting things apart to see how it looked/worked on the inside. They saw it as: I was making work for them and I was destroying things.

It really feels like my parents lacks sympathy completely when it comes to understanding me.
 
#45 ·
@stathamspeacoat
It really feels like my parents lacks sympathy completely when it comes to understanding me.
There are times, at least with my parents (and your story seems similar to mine) that it seems like they really wanted to force me into a mold and they tried to shepherd me through discouragement. I was so foreign to them that they might as well have had a dragon.

Stay on your course. I'd rather fail on my own terms than succeed on someone else's.

I really have nothing in common with any of my family and the more I wake up to realize this,
the more sad it actually is.
Cause I've spent oh so much time trying to fix it.
Oh, don't I know this. My family is all extroverted feelers. Mostly impulsive. I end up with the lions share of the responsibility because they know I just can't let things go unresolved or done incorrectly and no one is capable of researching/figuring things out. I love them but I cannot relate to them. I've always been the outsider and when I realized I will always be the outsider, I didn't know what to make of it. I still don't really - I just don't think about it anymore because it isn't going to change. Things aren't bad, they just don't feel meaningful or connected. It's strange to have a superficial relationship with your family.
 
#44 ·
No

My ISTP father always struggled with my lack of Se.
But we had some crossover interests.
However when I started crushing him at chess and strategy games he suddenly lost all interest in it.
Much of my time was spent as a hostage at SJ social events.
I'm still held hostage at times, but I've gotten better at avoiding the full onslaught.

I really have nothing in common with any of my family and the more I wake up to realize this,
the more sad it actually is.
Cause I've spent oh so much time trying to fix it.
Even spent tons of time trying to make them understand our differences when I stumbled over MBTI.
I later realized how impossible it was when I learned more about it.
I'm in wrapup/damagecontrol mode now.
Just trying to make the rest of my life as meaningfull as it can be to me,
without being a total dick about it if I can manage.
Still being willing to be a total dick about it if I have to.
 
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