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Been tempted to share this, it's not for everyone to agree, I'm just sharing it and might give some people and idea on how many intjs work (not every intj). It's related to "enabling bad behavior" there is a thread here too. I'm a guy so that's why the story goes guy-girl, the context is NEGATIVE, keep that in mind, I'm talking about an specific thing, not that women are like that (if you really think otherwise, that's dumb and you are trying to twist the meaning).

Example, love relationship:
So, I have a date with my GF and I'm there at 8:00pm. She is late, as usual. I'm not happy, we finally go out at 9:00 I tell her it's important to be ready at the hour we discussed or the plans will fall apart. She tries to get away with what she wants, a dead end. We go out again and the same thing happens, I'm not happy. After 5 times I'm convinced this won't get any better. AS THE INTJ I AM I'm projecting this into the future, raising kids, always late for everything, she always doing the make up thing, etc. I decide to walk away.

The problem is, it took 5 times. So from the 2nd one is very likely she thought we were adapting to each other pretty well when I was actually convincing myself of the opposite. Take note: there is a difference between tolerating something while I'm getting to know her and then deciding to stay or not, AND the other thing that she might be thinking is "acceptance", 1, 2, 3 times "he is accepting me as I am", wrong. Of course some men do, I do not.

This has a lot to do with the many threads where people don't understand the intj male saying "everything was ok", it was not. Every word has a meaning, take it serious.

Many times the key is: it's not my problem, so, we could be ok with it but with our stuff near the door almost deciding to walk away because there is no agreement, instead of fixing it, or struggling with it, we leave. Some will say that's coward because they expect other to engage on a battle trying to dominate or fix bad behavior, wrong, we are not your parents.


Now this is what many people get wrong: Example, friendship
Same scenario, always late, but the intj is most of times there and won't argue, won't fight. THIS IS DANGEROUS because we are FRIENDS but the other person might think "we are understanding each other pretty well, he tolerates that I'm always late, he accepts me as I am". That's wrong because we are FRIENDS, I'm fine if you paint your hair on bright green: I don't have to live with you or raise kids with you.

I'm trying to explain that there is a diff "tolerance" when we are friends than when we are on a relationship. VERY DIFF THINGS and don't mix them.

On example #1 the intj male is worried about the many things that could go wrong in the future: the kids, family reunions, important businesses, etc. On example #2 the intj is not worried at all because at the end he won't marry her and he just go home at the end of the night.

We must make sense, we must be responsible and not rely on others to fix what we already know is wrong. And most of all don't expect people do deal with your sht. Don't confuse tolerance, acceptance with a neutral behavior, it's not my problem just as watching spoiled kids at the park, I won't fix that.


Sure, change the genders, it also applies with the opposite, it's not gender specific. So keep in mind before going lost in love with an INTJ, if he "tolerates" a lot of bad behavior on you don't take it as "you have a future together" it means he is fully aware that he will not live with you by his side.
 

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#3 INTJ communicates, everyone knows what's tolerance and what's acceptance.

#4 INTJ realises that what he believes is right is only one perspective, INTJ grows.

:tongue:
 

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黐線 ~Chiseen~
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You cannot expect to change people. They can only change themselves.

You can only lead a horse to water, but you cannot force the horse to drink.

If the horse dies of thirst, find another horse.

Applies to both genders.

Unless your name happens to be Atreyu or your horses' name is Artax.
 

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Haha, it took me over two decades and a ton of relationships to finally calm down enough to realize that I can't expect the world to change to be like me 'cus I'm right. Being able to say my desires/emotions/what upsets me/thoughts/etc and remaining light hearted and humorous has helped me soooooooooooo much with my relationships with every single person in my life.
 

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Tolerance: The WORST thing you can do.

If you tolerate something it implies that it is something that does not make you happy. So you need to either address the issue or accept it. This of course can take a while to determine what you want to do with it. But, in the end, if you choose to continue "tolerating", you are in a unhealthy relationship imo.

ACCEPTANCE:

eventually, what does not make us happy (the things we tolerate) we must accept in order to maintain our equilibrium of happy. Acceptance is hard. It isn't easy. And it is for those we are willing to love, those whom we accept and are available to us.

Not My Problem! :

This one is sometimes for those you accept. Ironically. NOT MY PROBLEM is for those who perpetually push you away and are broken. And they are broken for no other reason than they true to DENY the problem. The internal conflict will never go away. And no one can fix you, but you. God helps those who help themselves (and if you don't believe in god, the metaphor is still true. so stop crying).

When you are faced with someone who pushes you away, the only thing you can do is make a choice to either accept to be strong (NOT ACCEPT THE PROBLEM) ... but to accept to be strong and be supportive for when they choose to address the problem. OR ... you can walk.

Whether you wait or walk, you are left with the ultimate choice of "NOT MY PROBLEM".

Unless you choose to tolerate. Which is, in the core of it, a co-dependent relationship.
yeah, I'll pass on that co-dependent bullshit, thank you very much.
 
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