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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey everyone!

So I met an ISFP online and got to really liking her. Meeting up with her almost twice a week for a month now. Constant texts/messages at once a day. I know ISFPs love their freedom, but she mentioned that she did not want to have kids. Which is kind of important to me. What should I do to deal with this?

I could decide to not have kids with her. But without children just seems like I would have to get into that awkward conversation with other people about why 'we' decided to not have children. It just seems like it would be this eternal battle that I just don't want to deal with. Dealing with my parents would be the absolute worst, I know for a fact they would demonize me because of it.

Ugh. Is this an elaborate plan this ISFP is cooking up? I don't think ISFPs are all that devious, but this really could push the limit. Or is this an ISFP way of testing me? Gah. My brain hurts. :frustrating:
 

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Electronica Wizard
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Just because she says she doesn't want to have kids, doesn't mean she won't in the future. It's just that the circumstance isn't right at the moment. Her emotions, her capacity, her ambition, the living condition and the support of her loved ones.. Everything must be aligned together in balance for her to make that decision. In life, circumstances can change suddenly so we live one day at a time and make choices based on what comes in our way instead of making long-term planning. As Perceivers, we like to keep our options open. Don't think that she hasn't thought about it very earnestly. Perhaps she doesn't think she would make a good parent. Perhaps she has dreams she hasn't accomplished. Don't be discouraged by that. If you both love each other, then support each other one day at a time. Every step of the way. No rush.
 

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As an ISFP who doesn't want kids, I would say she's being honest. I don't think ISFPs are the type to play elaborate mind games. We're just honest upfront. If you want kids, you should probably look elsewhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I guess maybe what I don't understand is there's tons of things in life that are "responsibilities" and can weigh us down: waking up to go to work, feeding ourselves, etc. Life has it's ups and downs as well, and I wouldn't give up the bad experiences even though they weren't pleasant.

It makes me sad that talking about this just brings up more conflict, which ISFPs probably want to avoid.

I'm also confused by saying that she considers herself selfish. She does a lot of things for others which I do not consider selfish at all. Such a paradox.
 

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I guess maybe what I don't understand is there's tons of things in life that are "responsibilities" and can weigh us down: waking up to go to work, feeding ourselves, etc. Life has it's ups and downs as well, and I wouldn't give up the bad experiences even though they weren't pleasant.
Maybe bringing a new life into the world isn't rewarding to her. Maybe she'd prefer to adopt.
It makes me sad that talking about this just brings up more conflict, which ISFPs probably want to avoid.
What sort of conflict arises? Are you trying to change her mind?
I'm also confused by saying that she considers herself selfish. She does a lot of things for others which I do not consider selfish at all. Such a paradox.
This goes back to her maybe finding that raising children isn't a particularly satisfying or rewarding idea. Perhaps this is what she is attributing as selfish. The responsibilities of being a parent are worlds apart from being a friend. Anyhow, it's better for a parent to have chosen to be a parent on his or her own rather than be pressured into choosing to being one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Maybe bringing a new life into the world isn't rewarding to her. Maybe she'd prefer to adopt.
Funny thing, there's another ISFP I talked to that didn't want children but wanted to adopt. Too bad she hasn't replied back to me for some time.

What sort of conflict arises? Are you trying to change her mind?
No conflict yet. Here's what I'm thinking:

If she truly doesn't want to have children and I do, then anything we do will just make the other feel like we got dragged into it. It's like a lose-lose situation.

This goes back to her maybe finding that raising children isn't a particularly satisfying or rewarding idea. Perhaps this is what she is attributing as selfish. The responsibilities of being a parent are worlds apart from being a friend. Anyhow, it's better for a parent to have chosen to be a parent on his or her own rather than be pressured into choosing to being one.
Well, she doesn't reveal a whole lot about herself, but her father left somehow (I don't know when) and died about 4 years ago. When I talked to her about it, maybe like a 15 second conversation, she immediately excused herself. I notice she excuses herself to the bathroom when the feelings get really intense.

I don't want to analyze this too much, but it might be that she just doesn't want to be responsible. I guess for me, the past is the past. And parenting is TWO people, not a solo effort. If men could carry children I definitely would, but too bad nature isn't that clever.

I would hate to force her into something. I think she would just pack her backs and leave if I did something like that. So that's why it feels like a lose-lose situation to me. It's like the decision isolates us instead of being something we do together.
 

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If you really feel like her not wanting to have a baby is seriously aggravating your "relationship" to the point of creating conflict, then leave her. I suppose, if I'm not wrong, there are a lot more women in the world to choose.

Also, if you feel the need to change someone so a relationship can work out.. you're doing it wrong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
If you really feel like her not wanting to have a baby is seriously aggravating your "relationship" to the point of creating conflict, then leave her. I suppose, if I'm not wrong, there are a lot more women in the world to choose.

Also, if you feel the need to change someone so a relationship can work out.. you're doing it wrong.
I think that's the easy way out though. I can't imagine every relationship that is conflict free. What would be the 'right' way?
 

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Also, if you feel the need to change someone so a relationship can work out.. you're doing it wrong.
Exactly this. Parenting is a big deal, it's basically a life goal. If your goals and values are not compatible, there really isn't a real relationship. You need to have common ground to even begin a relationship, let alone raise children. If someone wants kids, and I know I don't, I would break it off.

Instead, find someone who shares your goals and values.
 
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She is not shirking a responsibility. She simply does not value having children. It is a personal preference and it is also her right to deal with her past in her own way and in her own time.

It is a lose-lose situation. Why not pick a partner who wants the same thing you want?
 

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I think that's the easy way out though. I can't imagine every relationship that is conflict free. What would be the 'right' way?
I never said a relationship is conflict free. However, creating conflict out of nowhere in a "relationship" that is only 1 month old is ridiculous and utterly unnecessary. Leave her alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I never said a relationship is conflict free. However, creating conflict out of nowhere in a "relationship" that is only 1 month old is ridiculous and utterly unnecessary. Leave her alone.
We haven't even started a conflict. It's just that I see that as a cause of conflict if I were to start a serious relationship with her. I plan things ahead of time, so this is just an issue for me if I were to get serious with her. We haven't argued at all.
 

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You want kids, she doesn't. End of line. Why start a relationship that is most likely to end in friction and hurt feelings?

It's one thing to be ambivalent or even afraid of having kids--that was me. I really didn't expect myself to want to have children--actually, it is the baby part, and toddlers that I didn't look forward to. But from the first moment I held our first son, I loved him, and loved having him, and loved every part about being his father. Then we had a second child, and I doubted I could love another like the first. But I loved her just as much, and all my fears were unfounded. Then our third. And many years later, our fourth. I'm not young any more. I really doubted I could do it, and then... same thing, but with her, in the neonatal care from birth, health problems, almost died twice. Lots of fear, but tons of love for her. Looking back, I wonder how I could have wondered if I could love a young child. But this is dealing with fear and uncertainty.

That is not the same thing as simply not wanting children. There are reasons people don't want children, and those are usually quite solid, even if not expressed convincingly. People think that because someone's reasons don't sound that convincing, that they can convince the other to change their mind, but that is seldom the case--especially with ISFPs. What we say is usually only the tip of the iceberg. Yes, it is how we feel, but it doesn't tell you the depth of how we feel. Because of that, people think they can change our minds--but you can't. Don't try. Better to just let it go in this case.
 

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As an ISFP who doesn't want kids, I would say she's being honest. I don't think ISFPs are the type to play elaborate mind games. We're just honest upfront. If you want kids, you should probably look elsewhere.
Some folks think im an isfp- a part of me really wants to be :) it does come out now and then- and I'm the same way, no mind games, no wasting people's time- and also don't want children.
 

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I guess maybe what I don't understand is there's tons of things in life that are "responsibilities" and can weigh us down: waking up to go to work, feeding ourselves, etc. Life has it's ups and downs as well, and I wouldn't give up the bad experiences even though they weren't pleasant.

It makes me sad that talking about this just brings up more conflict, which ISFPs probably want to avoid.

I'm also confused by saying that she considers herself selfish. She does a lot of things for others which I do not consider selfish at all. Such a paradox.
She does not want them. Should the reasons matter? I don't want them either and that has been the constant since I was as early as 4 years old, but if some case I was forced to have them- I could feel a little better about it (and not suicidal)with the perfect of circumstances and sense of safety and absolute unlimited love from other sources.

I am one of those women too, that would make a great mother/parent/leader, what have you and would protect and love my children and give them the best I could. In many ways, I'm protecting my future children by not having them. If you're looking at it from a point of inconveniences and responsbilities, then you're not seeing it from her point of view at all. And if you love this woman and marry her some day, who the hell cares what everyone else thinks of her feelings and boundaries, dreams and desires- that's for you to honor, protect and cherish.
 

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Hey everyone!

So I met an ISFP online and got to really liking her. Meeting up with her almost twice a week for a month now. Constant texts/messages at once a day. I know ISFPs love their freedom, but she mentioned that she did not want to have kids. Which is kind of important to me. What should I do to deal with this?

I could decide to not have kids with her. But without children just seems like I would have to get into that awkward conversation with other people about why 'we' decided to not have children. It just seems like it would be this eternal battle that I just don't want to deal with. Dealing with my parents would be the absolute worst, I know for a fact they would demonize me because of it.

Ugh. Is this an elaborate plan this ISFP is cooking up? I don't think ISFPs are all that devious, but this really could push the limit. Or is this an ISFP way of testing me? Gah. My brain hurts. :frustrating:
So someone you're texting does't want to make a baby with you. Is that... bad?
 

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So someone you're texting does't want to make a baby with you. Is that... bad?
Lol. It's funny because I have seen and talked to guys who said they didn't want children, but they got irked and shocked and I got all kinds of interrogations once they found out I did not want them too. If a woman does not want children, then there is something "wrong" with her.
 

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I think that's the easy way out though. I can't imagine every relationship that is conflict free. What would be the 'right' way?
I don't think it is the 'easy way out' if you acknowledge, early on, that the two of you have such drastically different life goals that you won't work in the long term.

Don't try to change her mind, but do discuss with her how set she is on this... like Ferroequinologist said, is it just that she's uncertain she will be a good mum but thinks she may want kids one day, or has she made up her mind that she doesn't want kids?
In either case, you need to think about how important kids are for you. If they are definitely a part of your future plan, and she doesn't want them, it will be much better for both of you if you guys bow out now.
Sure, all relationships have issues, but some issues are bigger than others. You have to decide whether, for you, the kids thing is a 'deal breaker' or not.

Hope you can think through it wisely and calmly... it's not easy!
All the best!
 

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I never said a relationship is conflict free. However, creating conflict out of nowhere in a "relationship" that is only 1 month old is ridiculous and utterly unnecessary. Leave her alone.
I think it eminently sensible to be thinking about this at the start of the relationship, rather than, say, five years down the track when a breakup would cause so much more heartache as well as financial issues etc. etc.
It isn't 'creating conflict' to both think about what your passions are and whether they are compatible. If you're going to enter into a relationship with someone, you ought to be mature enough to do that, otherwise it's totally selfish.
 

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Hey everyone!

So I met an ISFP online and got to really liking her. Meeting up with her almost twice a week for a month now. Constant texts/messages at once a day. I know ISFPs love their freedom, but she mentioned that she did not want to have kids. Which is kind of important to me. What should I do to deal with this?

I could decide to not have kids with her. But without children just seems like I would have to get into that awkward conversation with other people about why 'we' decided to not have children. It just seems like it would be this eternal battle that I just don't want to deal with. Dealing with my parents would be the absolute worst, I know for a fact they would demonize me because of it.

Ugh. Is this an elaborate plan this ISFP is cooking up? I don't think ISFPs are all that devious, but this really could push the limit. Or is this an ISFP way of testing me? Gah. My brain hurts. :frustrating:
So you want to have children just so you won't have to have awkward conversations about it? That's quite extreme. Only get children if you really want them, not just for your convenience.
 
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