[silvs]

Hello everyone!

I am not sure if this is a topic that fits well into the INFP category because it could actually concern everyone, but I hope this is still a good place to write this

The main problem is that since i was a young child i have always had problems with my dad. I know that deep down he is a very good person and he does not intentionally want anything bad to anyone, but still, he hurt me a lot during the time I have been a teenager (i am 20 now, btw). He has his own company and he really lives for it. He always put almost all his energy into this company and he is good at it, because it's running very well and he really achieved something with it. I am actually really proud of him, but I think I never tell him this often enough. This might probably be because when I was a kid and a teenager, he was never really there for us when we needed him. I had some anxiety/depression/being in wrong circle of friends - issues as a teenager, and I was always afraid to tell him anything about that.
He is a very dominant person with a lot of charisma and i know that people have a lot of respect of him. But again, he never wants to do anything bad to anyone. It happens unconsciously if he hurts someone emotionally. As a kid and teenager i was pretty shy and i also had some respect of my dad and as he wasn't at home very often (my parents are seperated, but he still comes home about once a week or every other week), so that's why we never managed to have a very close and trusting relationship. I think I always was afraid that he thinks that I am a fail or that I am somehow strange.
Now i thought I somehow got over all that, but I notice that every time I start to get serious with a boy all this history I have is kind of...catching up. Deep down I just feel it's weird that a guy likes me or really appreciates me for my personality. Because this is something my dad never really showed me. He was always good to me and we went on lots of holidays together, but he actually never really showed me any kind of love. I mean, in sense of appreciating a kid for what it is and showing him/her that he/she deserves to be loved.
And although i know the theory (that all this is bullshit and i should grow up and get over this), I still somehow can't. It's like magic - I'm always attracted to guys I know in advance that they will probably hurt me emotionally.

Well, I think I talked enough

I really want to have a good relation with my dad and I really like him. But I have no idea how to establish any trust to him. Talking about all that past stuff and how he hurt me would feel good to me, but I know he wouldn't respond well to it as he is not an emotional person at all.
Every time we see each other we can talk about different things (on a surface Level). But I know that if I want to get my problem with boys managed, I have to somehow fix the problem with my dad first.
Oh, and I forgot to say that my dad also had a difficult relationship with his parents when he was a teenager. (And he still has today.) So that's why I understand where some of his behavior is coming from. But still, I just want to have a good and trusting relation with him.

Do you have any tips or ideas or inspirational thoughts about this issue? It would be really helpful and I would be super grateful for that!
Thanks in advance for your answer!

(And sorry for any mistakes in this text, english is not my native language.)

 

[Belzy]

This is like... my story?

Except, I don't like my dad.

And I am the opposite sex, but pretty much everything else is the exact same. Just a few details are different, very few details.

Oh tips, right. If anything, get rid of all the people who have a negative impact on you, and build a social netwerk excisting of people who give positivity to you. It will improve your confidence and growth, and I think that is what matters the most in fixing your boys problem, too.

 

[littlemoon]

Sounds a lot like my ISTJ dad, minus the charisma - he rarely speaks.

I want to be really honest, even though it's unpleasant. My dad did not want kids, and strictly did it to please my mom. I told myself (and my ignorant relatives told me) how much my Dad loved me all throughout my childhood, and a large part of my adulthood. But he never engaged with the family. Any television show, work - anything else - but spending time with us.

My only interactions with him involved him shouting cruel insults and very severe beatings.

And I've come to an honest place in my life - where I can say that the fact of the matter is that my dad didn't care. I think he wanted something that wouldn't bother him, that wouldn't ask anything of him, and that's not parenting, of course.

It's an ugly lesson to learn but no matter how people treat you, no matter what position those people have in your life, and no matter what you've told yourself, sometimes you have to step back and see that some people may say a lot of things, but their actions or inaction show the truth. Our best assumptions can be terribly wrong, and very painful to realize.

As a mature adult, I'm able to understand that my father, now 80 years old, was damaged from a very early age, and hid from his pain and lack of emotional connection.

For some time now, I've strongly felt that many mental maladies and illnesses are caused by a lack of love in childhood. I know that my father's childhood was brutal and grim, and a good person was never given the nurturance and guidance to fully grow.

 

[UberY0shi]

WTF.... your dad seems so similar to mine in a lot of ways. Issues with his parents too. If he is ENTJ by chance... (mind blown.)

It's rough for me, but I think my father understands how I feel via by-product of facts.

"I felt this emotion when I saw you do X and say Y to me. This hurts. I trust you don't do this to hurt me and I know you love me."

If you cannot communicate with your father. You may need to rely on introspection. You feel neglected when he was away from home to work. You're proud of him and his accomplishments, perhaps seek his approval and feel shame about your own dealings and are afraid to reveal this to him, especially knowing how he handles emotions... ? I don't want to assume how you experience things with your life or father relationship. Perhaps he works to provide and that's a show of love, but not the way you experience love so there's a disconnect?

How you're struggling with your future relationships with boys may be the same situation considering how he struggles in his relationship from his parents. The cycle continues. But I believe you can break this, with or without amending things with him. But there's going to be some scary interaction/introspection before the healing can occur. You're worthy of love, but your first hand experience of it was lacking. So experiencing romantic interest seems unnatural. Not sure how you feel on meditation, but I would suggest it. Mindfulness of your thoughts and questioning them, dissociating yourself from them, may help in your healing process.

 

[ButIHaveNoFear]

I think you should forgive your dad.

Let yourself grow for the future, not waste away in the insecurity of the past. Even if you get to tell him about all the ways he's hurt you and made you feel bad, it's still your choice to forgive him or not. It is always your choice, and I suggest you make that choice soon. Your dad—though the relationship with our fathers has real statistical impact on us—is not a god. He is imperfect, and he is incapable of loving someone perfectly, just as you are. Mending things with your dad will help you a lot, but you need to start it in yourself and remove the first brick of the wall.

A lot of issues in our lives can stem back to the imperfection of our fathers, but an apology from him can't fix us. He isn't magic or omnipotent. Some of us might not ever get an apology! What would we do then?

 

[littlemoon]

Forgiveness is rarely practiced, though the bullshitters do love to push it. Let go. Accept reality. The only thing you have control of is your attitude.