[adlhurle]

Hi all. I'm an ENFP who went to visit an ISTP guy I had dated briefly before he moved across the country. He initally told me he didn't see a point in my visiting, but a few months later he invited me out to stay.

He seemed genuinely excited about my coming. When I got there everything was really comfortable and seemed familiar and we ended up becoming intimate. Afterward, things were ok for a little while, but all of a sudden he started getting snippy and mean--to the point where his roommate even said something. He even invited the girl he is casually seeing out with a group of us one evening, and acted completely clueless as to why I would be upset about this. When I confronted him, he basically told me it was none of my business and acted like I wasn't even there.

I had my cousins come pick me up the following day, and on my way out I asked why he asked me to come in the first place. He responded by screaming at me that he never wanted me there, didn't know how horrible I was, told me I was trying to manipulate him, and that I was trying to rekindle something that had never been there for him in the first place. He tried to apologize a few minutes later and said that he was really uncomfortable the whole time I was there and had never been around someone who made him so anxious before. I don't understand how he could seem like he was enjoying my company one second, and then completely rip me apart the next. Even while I was there when he had opportunities to go be by himself for a while, he would call and have me meet him for lunch or come home early from work to hang out. He even was going to take an extra day off of work. Leading up to the visit I asked him several times, point blank, if it would be better for me to stay somehwere else. I was so completely confused when I left, and I still am. I know I won't hear from him again, but I wish I had some understaning about what happened. What did I miss? Any thoughts?

 

[ClarifiedMind]

Hi all. I'm an ENFP who went to visit an ISTP guy I had dated briefly before he moved across the country. He initally told me he didn't see a point in my visiting, but a few months later he invited me out to stay.

He seemed genuinely excited about my coming. When I got there everything was really comfortable and seemed familiar and we ended up becoming intimate. Afterward, things were ok for a little while, but all of a sudden he started getting snippy and mean--to the point where his roommate even said something. He even invited the girl he is casually seeing out with a group of us one evening, and acted completely clueless as to why I would be upset about this. When I confronted him, he basically told me it was none of my business and acted like I wasn't even there.

I had my cousins come pick me up the following day, and on my way out I asked why he asked me to come in the first place. He responded by screaming at me that he never wanted me there, didn't know how horrible I was, told me I was trying to manipulate him, and that I was trying to rekindle something that had never been there for him in the first place. He tried to apologize a few minutes later and said that he was really uncomfortable the whole time I was there and had never been around someone who made him so anxious before. I don't understand how he could seem like he was enjoying my company one second, and then completely rip me apart the next. Even while I was there when he had opportunities to go be by himself for a while, he would call and have me meet him for lunch or come home early from work to hang out. He even was going to take an extra day off of work. Leading up to the visit I asked him several times, point blank, if it would be better for me to stay somehwere else. I was so completely confused when I left, and I still am. I know I won't hear from him again, but I wish I had some understaning about what happened. What did I miss? Any thoughts?

ISTP or not, he doesn't sound like a very nice person. His behavior was completely out of control and there is no excuse for it. Being an ISTP doesn't give a person carte blanche to walk around acting like an ass.

Not for nothing but if he told you that he didn't see the point of you visiting why did you continue to talk to him considering he moved across the country and told you that he didn't see the point of you visiting? If someone said that to me I would have took it as "here's your walking papers" and left the situation alone. I mean did he just pick up the phone one day and say to you "hey come out to visit me?" or was there some conversations in between that...if so what were those conversations like? Where you asking without really asking? Like hinting around to come out to visit?

I know with myself, I'm not too keen on house guests. It makes me uncomfortable and I just don't like it. Especially if the person is extroverted then I really get aggravated. He probably didn't want to be rude and ask you to stay elsewhere. He also was probably trying to entertain you by hanging out. I'm sure he enjoyed your company but it's tough when you're staying in the same house too. I'm not good for entertainment. I try to do it because I know its impolite not to, but I really don't like it. I feel like your an adult, entertain yourself and if it looks appealing I'll join in. So with all those things grouped together is a blow up waiting to happen...I know it is for me. Also, being alone is not the same as having your house to yourself. I can't go into my room and come out fresh as daisy ready to mingle. No...your still in my house. It's just not the same. It took me a long time to learn these things about myself so perhaps this guy needs to learn these things too.

I tore one of my friends a new one for absolutely no reason when she stayed with me for a few days. I did invite her too! But I didn't realize that I could only deal with her in small doses and that was way too much. Yikes I really went off...I apologized of course, but I never invited her again. And if I did I think she would be crazy enough to come!

 

[fluffstuff]

I don't get these posts. Do you think every ISTP is connected on an exclusive worldwide network, feeding advice and information into each other's heads?

Or perhaps ISTP's are all clones of each other, each one indistinguishable from the last, and we'll eventually form a giant clone army from which a charismatic politician will one day build a Galactic Empire of evil.

Ok, disregard that last part, I just finished seeing Star Wars again.

 

[adlhurle]

I did leave the situation alone. We were just randomly catching up after a few months of not talking. I asked him if he was ever coming back home to visit and then he suggested I come out there.

No, I don't think all ISTPs are the same or communicating on some special network.

Really, all I'm wanting to know is if this personality type is more prone to non-verbal cues or subtle behavior that I may not have picked up on.

But I agree, he's basically just a major douche.

 

[DJArendee]

I don't get these posts. Do you think every ISTP is connected on an exclusive worldwide network, feeding advice and information into each other's heads?

Or perhaps ISTP's are all clones of each other, each one indistinguishable from the last, and we'll eventually form a giant clone army from which a charismatic politician will one day build a Galactic Empire of evil.

Ok, disregard that last part, I just finished seeing Star Wars again.

Its a legitimate question to ask for personality related advice, as it plays a big part in how we behave.

As for your question, I agree with ClarifiedMind. Its possible he didn't even know he would start acting like that. But on the other hand, I don't have enough details to know if you somehow pressured him or something... or the close proximity brought out everything in you he didn't realize at first, and he realized it would have taken too much effort to compromize, or didn't like what he saw... or maybe he had an ISTP freakout, where he believes his freedom to be taken away because he might feel he had to pay attention to you as you were living in his house. I couldn't tell ya. But ISTP men are a dime a dozen, if you can't figure this out.

And then there's always the possibility of him just being a plain douche bag that is way behind on the maturity curve.

 

[fluffstuff]

Its a legitimate question to ask for personality related advice, as it plays a big part in how we behave.

At the same time, anonymous people are going to have a hard time giving relationship advice about a guy who's acting like a sociopath, same type or not.

 

[MissFixit]

I have impulsive problems in relationships (i.e., I jump into things before I'm sure, and then have regrets, or sometimes I might not be able to communicate how anxious I am, or I can't stand to feel pressure and react the wrong way)

When I was about 18, I pulled a few heartless stunts on boys because of these things. But this guy is acting like a complete asshole, so just move on and try to date someone more mature.

 

[sofort99]

He responded by screaming at me...

That doesn't even sound ISTP at all.

 

[alionsroar]

Maybe he got the impression that you wanted more out of him than he wanted to give and so he got put under pressure and he just didn't know how to say that well he thought he wanted a relationship, but now he realises he doesn't.

 

[gpky]

Its a legitimate question to ask for personality related advice, as it plays a big part in how we behave.

As for your question, I agree with ClarifiedMind. Its possible he didn't even know he would start acting like that. But on the other hand, I don't have enough details to know if you somehow pressured him or something... or the close proximity brought out everything in you he didn't realize at first, and he realized it would have taken too much effort to compromize, or didn't like what he saw... or maybe he had an ISTP freakout, where he believes his freedom to be taken away because he might feel he had to pay attention to you as you were living in his house. I couldn't tell ya. But ISTP men are a dime a dozen, if you can't figure this out.

And then there's always the possibility of him just being a plain douche bag that is way behind on the maturity curve.

Agree with you DJArendee - not enough details, or could even have been an (apparently) TINY detail that has been left out but happens to be something that triggered this guy. I've come to realised that I often cannot predict how I would react, especially in the context of emotions and relationships. When I go into that zone, it's like groping in the dark. Especially with people who are of some level of familiarity and who can impact on my emotions. Something they say or do (which to them may be a completely innocent act of no purpose or intention) may push a really hot button in me, causing me to react quite explosively. This often shocks them, and sometimes, myself.

Or at times, I accumulate a whole lot of grievences and then that one last straw will just cause my system to crash and the unlucky guy cops it.

I'd imagine it can be quite draining on an ISTP to take a house guest. I myself couldn't do it. I'd try to do the polite thing and keep the person company as much as possible, but inevitably, I'll develop a sort of resentment inside. And this will keep growing and break out at some point.

I don't know about the other ISTPs, but there are a lot of little things that people do that can really irritate the hell out of me. It can be the way they look, how they talk, what they wear or their personal habits - any amount of little things. I dislike the existence of people in general.

 

[Starfish]

I'd imagine it can be quite draining on an ISTP to take a house guest. I myself couldn't do it. I'd try to do the polite thing and keep the person company as much as possible, but inevitably, I'll develop a sort of resentment inside. And this will keep growing and break out at some point.

I don't know about the other ISTPs, but there are a lot of little things that people do that can really irritate the hell out of me. It can be the way they look, how they talk, what they wear or their personal habits - any amount of little things. I dislike the existence of people in general.

This may be where an ISTP and an INFP are very similar-----my guess is that he impulsively invited you to stay without thinking about the consequences, i.e. living in the moment. And that he was responding to his feelings about you. What he didn't foresee was his lack of control over these feelings, coupled with feeling "trapped" in his own space. I know myself better, I guess: I know not to ask someone to be a houseguest, because I wouldn't be able to handle it! Obviously he doesn't know himself well enough---maybe he will learn from this incident. I'm sorry you were the one who was part of the lesson, though. Man! :crying:

 

[adlhurle]

This may be where an ISTP and an INFP are very similar-----my guess is that he impulsively invited you to stay without thinking about the consequences, i.e. living in the moment. And that he was responding to his feelings about you. What he didn't foresee was his lack of control over these feelings, coupled with feeling "trapped" in his own space. I know myself better, I guess: I know not to ask someone to be a houseguest, because I wouldn't be able to handle it! Obviously he doesn't know himself well enough---maybe he will learn from this incident. I'm sorry you were the one who was part of the lesson, though. Man! :crying:

So, I think what you're saying is that he invited me impulsively and then realized he didn't like me as much as he thought once I got there. Then he felt trapped in his own space and sort of lashed out

 

[Starfish]

I have no doubt he still has feelings for you (otherwise he would have probably ignored you completely instead of getting upset---i.e. anger/hatred is not the opposite of love: indifference is), but that he felt walled-in and out of control in his own environment. Wait and see, odds are you will hear from him again, and when this happens he does have some apologizing to do.

 

[U-80]

What about this glaring detail:

He even invited the girl he is casually seeing out with a group of us one evening, and acted completely clueless as to why I would be upset about this. When I confronted him, he basically told me it was none of my business and acted like I wasn't even there.

If the guy has these two women going at the same time, he's obviously not all that serious about either one of them. He was comparison shopping, that's all.

I have no doubt he still has feelings for you (otherwise he would have probably ignored you completely instead of getting upset---i.e. anger/hatred is not the opposite of love: indifference is), but that he felt walled-in and out of control in his own environment.

I don't like this answer. First of all you're giving hope where there is none. And second, your argument is silly. He got angry, therefore he must have feelings for her? If that was true of ISTPs, then we must have feelings for almost everyone we deal with. You said above that INFPs are similar to ISTPs, well they're not. Please don't speak for us.

 

[Starfish]

Maybe I am likening the two types, but it does seem that INFPs and ISTPs share impulsiveness and live in the moment more than other types?

First of all you're giving hope where there is none.

There is always hope, heheh. Always. And anger at a stranger (i.e. driver in the car that just cut you off) is different than anger directed at someone you have been intimate with, wouldn't you agree?

 

[gpky]

Maybe I am likening the two types, but it does seem that INFPs and ISTPs share impulsiveness and live in the moment more than other types?

I don't know about impulsiveness. I don't like it when people make the statement that ISTPs are impulsive. I don't think we are. We are spontaneous but not impulsive. There is a difference between being spontaneous and being impulsive. One involves quick thinking, one involves no thinking.

 

[Starfish]

Ah yes, good clarification. Yes, I mean spontaneous rather than impulsive.

 

[chiagirl27]

If the guy has these two women going at the same time, he's obviously not all that serious about either one of them. He was comparison shopping, that's all.

I'm jumping into this conversation a little late - but this is a big deal right here. Why spend any time worrying over this guy's personality type, intentions, "hidden feelings" etc - when he's juggling two women and shoving your face in it? (uh - "your" = original poster). Seems an enormous waste of energy.

OP, I understand your desire to figure out what went wrong, but it's not your job. Your job is to back way the hell off, enjoy your life, and IF this guy contacts you in the future (not likely, at least not any time soon), to just listen to what he has to say. At that point you'll either be able to fill in the blanks - or you won't. Either way, you should try to consider the subject closed for now, because you won't get anywhere analyzing this with a bunch of strangers on a forum.

I don't like this answer. First of all you're giving hope where there is none. And second, your argument is silly. He got angry, therefore he must have feelings for her?

The argument IS silly, actually - but (in my opinion) for a different reason. The issue here, I think, is that the guy has two women going simultaneously, and no shame in revealing that to the visiting woman. That's just ballsy, and really shitty. The fact that he got angry is almost completely separate from the douchiness of the two-timing thing.

I may be wrong about THIS aspect, but juggling two women at a time - and inviting them both to a get together - doesn't seem very ISTP to me. In my *mind* ISTPs are far more practical and wouldn't waste their time on such nonsense. All that lying and juggling and potential DRAMA. Please, who has time for that shit? He had to know there would be a confrontation, and that he would be the bad guy in the end... yet he did it anyway? Seems off.

But that's discounting the idea that this guy could just be a total douche, and no typing will explain that away.

My analysis: the guy's a douche. And if he really liked you and wanted you in his life, OP, he would not have paraded another woman in front of you, he would not have screamed at you, and even if it was some momentary lapse of reason - he would have tried to make it right with you by now. Every day that passes is another day that he's said, basically, "Fuck it. Not worth my time."

Which is exactly what you should be saying.

Good luck getting past this. Hugs.