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At the moment, I live at home with my grandmother and siblings (my mother and grandfather died years ago; my father lives close by us and we remain emotionally close) while I work to ultimately go to medical school. I also work full-time and volunteer at three separate locations. I also frequently spend time with my siblings or my close friends.
I have had a consistent feeling of dissatisfaction as I wonder whether or not I'm an 'authentic' person (this isn't to say that I'm self-aware). I often feel like a 'fraud' at work and at home; I feel like I'm deliberately an entertainer because no one would care about me if I wasn't of some value to them. I often deliberately 'imitate' the other person(s) I'm with (i.e., appear as they are); I mirror them and say what they want to hear, be what they want to see, etc.. I've stopped considering the moral and ethical ramifications of my behaviors as such and have become more 'dubious' simply because it's efficient. I 'fool' people into being accepting of me and thus vulnerable, and in their most human expressions I understand I'm a 'fraud' and a manipulator even though I may care about the person. I'm unsure whether or not I care as much as I pretend to about my own family and my friends (and, perhaps, even my own future). I also have a consistent feeling that either I'm an unimportant and insignificant person or that I will never become important or significant in the eyes of others and myself. I have a desire that I will be harmed or killed, though I never actively pursue that desire. Most of the time I appear to most everyone as very amiable, conscientious, enthusiastic and mild-mannered. Inside, however, I feel mentally dissatisfied and empty. No matter what I do (be it healthy or unhealthy), my dissatisfaction and emptiness remains. I may physically act or feel otherwise, but mentally I remain dissatisfied and empty.
I talk to a counselor about this once a week, but even then I feel like I'm 'inauthentic' and have fooled him. That seems highly unlikely, though.
And I don't know exactly what to do about this.
I have had a consistent feeling of dissatisfaction as I wonder whether or not I'm an 'authentic' person (this isn't to say that I'm self-aware). I often feel like a 'fraud' at work and at home; I feel like I'm deliberately an entertainer because no one would care about me if I wasn't of some value to them. I often deliberately 'imitate' the other person(s) I'm with (i.e., appear as they are); I mirror them and say what they want to hear, be what they want to see, etc.. I've stopped considering the moral and ethical ramifications of my behaviors as such and have become more 'dubious' simply because it's efficient. I 'fool' people into being accepting of me and thus vulnerable, and in their most human expressions I understand I'm a 'fraud' and a manipulator even though I may care about the person. I'm unsure whether or not I care as much as I pretend to about my own family and my friends (and, perhaps, even my own future). I also have a consistent feeling that either I'm an unimportant and insignificant person or that I will never become important or significant in the eyes of others and myself. I have a desire that I will be harmed or killed, though I never actively pursue that desire. Most of the time I appear to most everyone as very amiable, conscientious, enthusiastic and mild-mannered. Inside, however, I feel mentally dissatisfied and empty. No matter what I do (be it healthy or unhealthy), my dissatisfaction and emptiness remains. I may physically act or feel otherwise, but mentally I remain dissatisfied and empty.
I talk to a counselor about this once a week, but even then I feel like I'm 'inauthentic' and have fooled him. That seems highly unlikely, though.
And I don't know exactly what to do about this.