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Discussion Starter #1
Hi. I'm an Enfp who is in the middle of getting a divorce with an Infp. I feel terrible, alone and confused about the thing. I guess I feel confused due to the fact that really, in the back of my mind I knew that this was goig to happen and was actually fine by it. (But then again, I was comfurtable then and my heart wasn't broken at the time.) I would day dream about finding a stronger companions with more energy and a zest for life that i could really bug out to. Someone that would think that going for long walks and fish stacking could be a grand time.

But now, less then a week ago, she initiated the divorce, and because it was what she really wanted I agreed. I was fine about it, wrapped up in my selfish thoughts about the possibilited of what could be and the excitement of starting again. But then day two came along and decided that I had enough excitement and felt what i really needed was to be punched in the stomach 500 times with fists of fear, confusion, pain, and all the other negative feelings of the rainbow. Now I miss her, And i don't know why. Sure a three year companionship could do that, and it's not like we are not friends.( this whole thing was purely mutual.) But she seems to be fine, almost giddy about it... then again she is an INFP.. they have like the biggest bottles deep down inside of them allowing them to cram commercial tanker ship sized problem away, and not show any sign of distress. My bottle is most deffiently about the size of a petri dish. But yes, I can't figure out why I'm feeling like this.

Twould be dandy if anyone out there had some insight. Thanks.
 

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then again she is an INFP.. they have like the biggest bottles deep down inside of them allowing them to cram commercial tanker ship sized problem away, and not show any sign of distress.
*hugz*

sorry... lol!... you are soooooooooooooooooooo right!

we really can... *burp* *fog horn*

I hear your pain. Have you thought about counseling? Sounds like you still love her... I can't speak for all INFPs but if you approached her with honesty, sincerity, and love saying "I love you, I miss you, let's try to work this out and see a counselor together"... I know many of us INFPs would say yes... but again each situation is unique.

*deposited 2 very caring cents*
 

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Hey man, I feel your pain having recently gone through almost exactly the same thing. Women tend to deal with these things better than men - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm now just over the curve for feeling miserable about it. If you require instant chat I recommend you join us on IRC as there is usually a willing victim around to listen to your moans and groans :D
 

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Hi. I'm an Enfp who is in the middle of getting a divorce with an Infp. I feel terrible, alone and confused about the thing. I guess I feel confused due to the fact that really, in the back of my mind I knew that this was goig to happen and was actually fine by it. (But then again, I was comfurtable then and my heart wasn't broken at the time.) I would day dream about finding a stronger companions with more energy and a zest for life that i could really bug out to. Someone that would think that going for long walks and fish stacking could be a grand time.
During my long relationship, I did the exact same thing. However, the relationship was abusive towards me. I kept dreaming of how I would be with someone who would have this -deep- connection with me, who would want to do the things I do and respect the things I respect.

If you were dreaming of being with someone else, your relationship probably was not entirely happy?

But now, less then a week ago, she initiated the divorce, and because it was what she really wanted I agreed. I was fine about it, wrapped up in my selfish thoughts about the possibilited of what could be and the excitement of starting again. But then day two came along and decided that I had enough excitement and felt what i really needed was to be punched in the stomach 500 times with fists of fear, confusion, pain, and all the other negative feelings of the rainbow. Now I miss her, And i don't know why. Sure a three year companionship could do that, and it's not like we are not friends.( this whole thing was purely mutual.) But she seems to be fine, almost giddy about it... then again she is an INFP.. they have like the biggest bottles deep down inside of them allowing them to cram commercial tanker ship sized problem away, and not show any sign of distress. My bottle is most deffiently about the size of a petri dish. But yes, I can't figure out why I'm feeling like this.
It's natural that you miss her. After all, you spent a lot of time with her and shared many things with her as well. But it doesn't mean that the divorce was not the right thing to do. If there wasn't enough love, why should either of you have settled for it ?

I still miss both of my exs from time to time as well. However, I don't think getting back together with either of them would be wise. They're looking for someone who is more fitting for them, just like me.

I don't think you should concentrate very much on how she feels at the moment. You're on your own now, so it's best to take care of yourself. You need your strength for that. Look towards other people and let her do the same.

All in all, my condolences. Ending relationships is always sad.

*hugs*
 

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Well we don't really know your situation and what lead to the divorce. In my limited experience with INFP women though I find if they make their mind up on something it is awfully hard to change it. You might very well love her and I still love my ex-wife but I know it was our best decision. Give yourself sometime to get use to it and if you still feel like you want to be back with her suggest councelling. It takes two people willing though so she has to really be on board.
 

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warning... very long post... sorry I need to write this! hugz:sad:
Ok… so, in looking over Totally T Rex’s post, it brought home some things to me. I have enclosed a post from a personal blog (that few outsiders have seen) to show what I have lived with. It was brutal to write and is getting easier to read… now. When I first started the separation/divorce journey, I was given a book through a counseling service entitled : Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 8th Edition, by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D and Robert E. Alberti, Ph.D. It is now my goal to complete this private counseling session by myself with this book. I don’t know where I am going with this, but Totally T Rex’s post has hit me very hard. I so understand what he is feeling, but I was in a long term sad place…..
If anyone has suggestions to help me, please let me know. I am healing but a little too slowly. L

My Life Now........
some changes, some happiness, some experiments, some surprises.

So. It has been a while. 2008 will be remembered for many changes for me.
I finally got up the nerve and left hubby. 27 years of marriage and 31 together. Seems I guess I never really knew him at all and the love, respect, trust, is GONE.
It started years ago. Living with a narcissist is HELL. Living without one.... priceless. The frustration, anger, hate, apathy and all the other feelings associated with being emotionally hurt have finally gone away. Took me less time than I thought. (((Well I have not healed YET))) When you meet someone and you are too young, not fully matured....it can't be good. Too bad I didn't listen to my mother... she told me on my wedding day I didn't have to get married. but then,,,,, look at my beautiful, wonderful, great children who are turning into wonderful young women and man. I am so proud, even tho they did not get enuf support from their dad.... I was/am always there!

Here is how the relationship between me and ex (wow i am now an ex) started to die.
He had been chatting for a few yrs and making friends. It bothered me alot, seems they would get more attention than me. So, when he started chatting to an ex fiance (from 32 yrs ago and NO communication since then), I was startled, sad and asked him to stop. He refused, said I knew about their history and they are just friends. Did not matter to me... who was concerned and trying to ""fix"" our relationship. It bothered the kids and explanations given to son (13)by ex, were not necessary (telling him that you always have a spot for your first love and someday he will understand that). total bullshit. ( some more background. seems when I took 2 weeks vacation in January to be with daughter and new baby/grandbaby, he was pissed.. says i took time away from him WTF?... also i decided to invite myself with daughter and her new family to go to Florida for 2 weeks and HE was not to go... pissed again. it was a time for me to realize how unhappy I am.... also realized that happiness is a given... I watched daughter and her new family relate and it made me cry. I asked if it was always like that no yelling, belittling, anger, walking on pins and needles... and daughter replied Yes mom,,,, this is what a normal family is like. )

So, mid march i receive an email from this "woman's" daughter telling me that she did not like the way her mom and my husband were "chatting". she enclosed a portion of the email which said this:

N**** hugssssssssssss,

I am sorry A***** feels that my gifts were wrong but that is the way i am. I wanted to brighten your day and to let you know that it's great to have you back as a friend.My family knows about you and that i am talking to you.My son J**** was asking about you and i told him that i loved you very much when we were young and when you really care about someone in life the love is always there. I told him he would probably have the same feelings if he met a girl and they broke up on good terms. My wife also knows that you mean alot to me and knows alot about you.Lynn knows that i want to take vacation when you come so i can spend time with you and see what's been going on over the years. I will be sending you more things like your birthday gift and stuff later on but it's all in friendship. If something happened between us we'd have to deal with it and it has nothing to do with breaking up a marriage.
N**** i love you more than anyone i've know and I never have ever felt so happy as i do know knowing you are there for me.

*holds you close,please don't cry unless it's tears of joy. love ya beautiful
Phil xxxxx oooo

so THAT is the email.... can you say I WAS ROYALLY PISSED?
He laughed it off and I am furious. That was the final straw. Seems the daughter does not speak to her mom now (and does not to this day!)

He said she was coming up in august and he wanted to get together... as a family if we want..... I THINK NOT!

so.... to shorten this up..... . The marriage had ended in my mind and I was done... all that was left to do was leave.
It was a horrible time for me.... I hurt, suffered, felt I had given all and gotten nothing back.... but that is done now. I felt he never even tried/wanted to fix things. He asked me to email her and explain that our "marriage trouble" was not about her. that was done under duress.

When she came to Ontario (she is out of province and Winnipeg will never be the same for me again ) i decided i was done and was leaving. When I told him i was leaving do you know what he said?????
What about me? where will i go? what will i do? I have been trying (bs)... what about my workshop? Never ONCE did he say... I love you. I want you. I need you. That was when I knew it was done...
So all that was left was to go. so I began to pack and leave... me and the kids .... never did he help me, lift a finger.
His last question to me was..... Can I still see her? i said it is done i don't give a fuck.... THEN, THEN he asked,,,, will u be mad if I fall in love with her? what do you say to that? I was totally done and crushed...

So when she came he spent 3 whole days with her...never once complaining about his ""pain"" that had debilitated him so badly... and would come home as i was packing and try to tell me about it WTF???? We were unfortunately in the same bed but miles apart... It was mortifying.
I actually moved out by the time J started school in Sept... Later that month I found proof that he was kissing her and trying to sleep with me (email pics). I did email her daughter telling her that the email i sent under duress was a lie and that the "relationship" they started online and continued when meeting was the final straw in the breakdown of the marriage. She thanked me for telling her and wished me and the kids well.
Present day: We moved in with my mom (she has always told me we have a place here) and are helping her. Ex is in the house alone and it is falling to ruin. I hope to sell in the spring and be finally done with him. He finally took the poor dog to be put down (was long overdue and I had to put the $$ in the bank to pay). I am still paying 1/2 the mtg and loans.... but the house is full of dogshit ground into the furniture and floors; food wrappers everywhere and dirty dishes (ALL of the dishes) are piled beside the bed along with much garbage. Granted he said he has had pneumonia but i argued that the energy expended making food would be greater than the energy expended for putting them into the dishwasher.... fuuuuuckity fuck. He has always been a slob and continues to show it. I could never keep up and will not do so now. (what will i do when we have to fix house? omg)
The kids won't even go in the house it is so bad. I want him gone and this done.... Can u believe I don't hate him, love him, respect him anymore? yep i don't wish him dead either...he is not worth it.... and sorry he is a waste of a human being/body.

so, i have met some wonderful men, some stupid men, and some weird men.... but the few wonderful men have taught me some things:

I am a loving passionate sensual woman.
My weight is not a reflection of me.
I can be more than I am.
I like kissing passionately, making love, being adored...(I missed that)
I love passion and have met some wonderful lovers who have shown me what REAL passion and lovemaking can be

... so, lets see what happens next. This was long and still not all is said and recorded here.

I did go back to school in the summer while all this shit was happening and passed a 2nd yr anthro course. I am proud of me. I will be going back for more university courses starting in January and am working towards my degree in Anthro/Archaeology. Wish me pleasure in my exciting journey... I am learning about Lynn and loving her! :mellow:
 

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*hugz*

*lots of hugz for everyone*
 
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My parents divorced when I was one. :mellow:

 
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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Thanks for the support and understanding, from you all. It really has help me out a bit. Things are still complicated and catch myself romanticizing the past quite often, which in turn I have to shake myself out of it. It's quite the emotional roller coaster, which I'm sure is normal given it has only been a week since I was graced with this pleasant learning/growing experience, and the stress has been about the same. I'm really looking forward to that wacky healing thing. I could totally go for some healing.... and some boc choy. But! that is beside the point. I would just love to feel like myself again so I may focus on me and my projects. Again thanks so much for the support and hugs and the pile of kittens. I think that this could end well.
 

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kittens make everything better:
 
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I hear you T Rex. I too am slowly healing and it is a hard journey. We need to focus on ourselves right now and know that our decision is best for US. Hugz
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I hear you T Rex. I too am slowly healing and it is a hard journey. We need to focus on ourselves right now and know that our decision is best for US. Hugz
Aye, I'm sorry about your bleeding heart. It Totally sucks. This is a hard journey for sure, but we will get through it some how, just how physically intact we'll be at the end, I have no idea, but we will make it through. I just really hate this situation because it interferes with my projects, which where in a get away for me (when i could set myself down and work on them :wink:) And now I want to work on them more then ever but from past experiences I have learned that it's not such a great idea. I have this wonderful nack of, when heart broken, pushing myself way to hard and being ultra to critical on my projects, thus burning myself out, which adds another huge weight to my already current problems.

So instead of completely drowning myself with the things that I love to kill the pain, this time I'm just giving myself a lot of time to heal up. And then when I'm feeling better about myself, I can start caning my self-esteme over my projects without causing any serious mental damage. Untill then I will just wait and talk about my feelings with those that will listen. That seems to always help quite a bit.

And I figure my hearts going to come out of this with a pretty sweet scar. I hear the womens still dig scars.:wink:

So Crzysttchr, I'm pullin' for ya's. Have some* Hugz*, perhaps* mugz*, and most definitely *Tugz...boats.*
 

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Aye, I'm sorry about your bleeding heart. It Totally sucks. This is a hard journey for sure, but we will get through it some how, just how physically intact we'll be at the end, I have no idea, but we will make it through. I just really hate this situation because it interferes with my projects, which where in a get away for me (when i could set myself down and work on them :wink:) And now I want to work on them more then ever but from past experiences I have learned that it's not such a great idea. I have this wonderful nack of, when heart broken, pushing myself way to hard and being ultra to critical on my projects, thus burning myself out, which adds another huge weight to my already current problems.

So instead of completely drowning myself with the things that I love to kill the pain, this time I'm just giving myself a lot of time to heal up. And then when I'm feeling better about myself, I can start caning my self-esteme over my projects without causing any serious mental damage. Untill then I will just wait and talk about my feelings with those that will listen. That seems to always help quite a bit.

And I figure my hearts going to come out of this with a pretty sweet scar. I hear the womens still dig scars.:wink:

So Crzysttchr, I'm pullin' for ya's. Have some* Hugz*, perhaps* mugz*, and most definitely *Tugz...boats.*
I hear you about putting too much into your projects. I am the opposite right now... so focused on this whole thing that nothing else is getting done....hobbies, work, life... all is suffering, but I have found something to help. I am reading that book Rebuilding (here is a link) chapters.indigo.ca: Rebuilding Workbook: When Your Relationship Ends: Bruce Fisher: Books
I am on the second building block.... fear.. when i completed the first chapter (denial) and answered the questions about the relationship (do you trust each other? no were you and your partner friends? no....it goes on and on... suffice it to say that most of the answers (except one) were NO's. it made me realise then that the memories I have are flawed... so I am healing.

I think because we give soooo much of ourselves that we almost lose everything when a love relationship dies/ends. and because it was soooo long (31 yrs) that it was most of my life. NOW I have to start and rebuild EVERYTHIING about ME...find ME.... love ME (hmmmmm see a pattern here?)

I keep saying I will not fall like that again, but it has been sooo long that I have felt love and desire, that I know I will fall and eventually fall hard. but I know that is ME. and the lucky man who finds me and loves ME? will get ALL OF ME.

Yes we will get thru this... and it is difficult... the MOST difficult thing I have ever done. But we are the strong, ever loving ones... who see the good and best in all.... (I have not yet forgiven him...THAT will take a long time - and I know this is needed to truly heal, but not yet).

So, T Rex... we sound like we can cry on each others shoulders and be there for each other. feel free to add me as a friend outside of here! we need to stick together us ENFP's ... lol

Lynn
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Now the dreams are coming! I can't even get a moment peace in my dreams. I keep thinking of her. Romanticizing her of course, and I know this but it doesn't make waking up after dreaming of her easier. I have one week left in the house, she has already moved out of course, and I can't wait. A lonely house it absolute hell on my emotions. I do try to get out and stay busy but it's still hard.

This is week 3 AD (After Divorce) and will possible be the most chaotic, due to all the selling of possessions, bank jazz, house jazz, car jazz, and the hunt for a new place to live... which I'm thinking of Portland, OR. It's a ways away for sure, but I have never been out there nor seen mountains or the ocean, so I figure this is my chance.

All the change just makes me sick. I don't do well with massive changes but I can get through them. I have in the past and I will here in the present. The future? Well i will probably end up in the woods somewhere with no short-term memory and some sort of crime related object.

Now my heart craves passion and affection, severely. I think that this is the hardest thing about the whole situation. Not having someone to love and to love you is a real kick to the throat. I feel desperate, which I'm amazingly enough controlling, but the loneliness is absolutely horrid. I'm not putting myself in any bad situations, because I'm practically "addicted" to passion and that could end up painfully for myself or another heart.​
 

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Now the dreams are coming! I can't even get a moment peace in my dreams. I keep thinking of her. Romanticizing her of course, and I know this but it doesn't make waking up after dreaming of her easier. I have one week left in the house, she has already moved out of course, and I can't wait. A lonely house it absolute hell on my emotions. I do try to get out and stay busy but it's still hard.​


This is week 3 AD (After Divorce) and will possible be the most chaotic, due to all the selling of possessions, bank jazz, house jazz, car jazz, and the hunt for a new place to live... which I'm thinking of Portland, OR. It's a ways away for sure, but I have never been out there nor seen mountains or the ocean, so I figure this is my chance.​

All the change just makes me sick. I don't do well with massive changes but I can get through them. I have in the past and I will here in the present. The future? Well i will probably end up in the woods somewhere with no short-term memory and some sort of crime related object.​


Now my heart craves passion and affection, severely. I think that this is the hardest thing about the whole situation. Not having someone to love and to love you is a real kick to the throat. I feel desperate, which I'm amazingly enough controlling, but the loneliness is absolutely horrid. I'm not putting myself in any bad situations, because I'm practically "addicted" to passion and that could end up painfully for myself or another heart.​
Hun, my heart breaks for you! I am in the same spot, but it has been almost 11 months. Now while it is TRULY over, I am so lonely and miserable, I am not nice to be around. I crave intimacy and passion and am finding it in ALL the wrong places. It is terribly hard for us to not have someone to love. kids are one thing, but a partner is another. Time will make it easier, but the gut wrench is still there for me too. Know that I am thinking of you during this time!
:sad:
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Know that I am thinking of you during this time!:sad:
Thanks a lot for the sympathy, it does mean a lot to me. the struggle continues. I don't expect it to end soon, but I hope that the coming distractions of moving out and traveling will help with it.

Guh! This loneliness can't be healthy. Albeit, it is getting better but when I am alone, it strikes hard. The future is so foggy, not that that is anything knew, but what is so different is now I have to make that journey on my own. There's a lot of fear. I relied on my ex for comfort maybe too much, then again, maybe not. maybe it's just the fact that I have never liked doing things alone. I'm more of a team experience kinda guy, rather then personal.

And the longing for the arms of another is still outrageous, but what I think is a more intense longing is for an ear to listen. I do have my friends and that does help, but I crave something closer. Someone that I can sit around for hours and talk with me. Just a companion.

Wow, there's a lot of desperation talking here, haha.
 

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My door is always open any my cell is on bro. we just have to make it like 3 weeks and we can hit South Carolina i cant give u mountains there but we got a shit tone of ocean and good times. we can stop in the mountains on the drive down if you want that could be cool. altho anything making the drive any longer sucks but to hell with it its our trip we can do what we want. hope this makes ya feel better to know there is shit happin and soon.
 

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Discussion Starter #18 (Edited)
Venting

Well I have hit another speed bump, One that put me on the side of the road. It has been about three months since all this divorce fun went down, and actually about 4 days ago it was supposed to be final. I have just spent the last 3 months being told and thinking that the divorce was all due to my fault. That it was my temper, and my stubbornness that brought the marriage to an end and that we where just no good for each other. But I have just found out recently that is was not the case. I do admit that Towards the end of the marriage I was becoming cold, depressed and angry, but this was due to the fact of having a technical job (Layout Inspector) that I was not qualified for, nor did I want to be qualified for. I took the job to avoid all the layoffs. Bad Idea. And due to the wonderful economic state of my fair town, finding another job isn't so easy. But even after the job I had to come home and do everything else, which also included making my wife happy. I carried her though our whole marriage. She dragged her feet as I was guilted and controlled persuading me to doing the majority of the tasks around the house.

I did do these tasks, (Although she should have shared the load) but I feel the one task that really grated on me the most was trying to make her happy. She reached out for help, then ran when I tried to help her. She just would not have my help. She Is an INFP so she used her ability to make people feel bad for her all the time on me. Hell, after the divorce, and while I was torn up, on the ground bleeding, It was up to me and me alone, to sell all of our items, attend an empty house, put it up for sale, and even go to the court date in her stead, all simply because she didn't want to. And yet To this day I feel very bad for her. I still feel inclined to help her, like it's my responsibility, I'm still stuck with the feeling that it is up to me to go and pick her up and to help her realize that she has so much potential, that she's brilliant, that I believe in her and know that she can do great things.... But it is not my responsibility. And really, it never was. I poured so much of myself into this marriage, and all I have ever asked of her is to stand on her feet and walk beside me. How utterly heart breaking.

I figured all of this out with the help of my friends and a professional. I have figured out that I never really wanted a divorce, but she had me to twisted into thinking that it was a good idea and it was a good idea to be cool with her pursuing one of my closest friends. Which didn't happen, thank god. But she tried. All the while I thought it was me. I thought I wrecked it all. But it turns out she just needed the attention. Recently, She left me messages which sent out mixed signal, and she had a slip up at her work and had to go to the hospital. She turned away her father when he came to pick her up and called me to take care of her. How very confusing, for I still love her, all the while she's saying I hope this doesn't make the divorce hard for you. I had to cut her off. I could not let her get to me and play with me like this, all for the sake of attention. And her need for attention led to very dangerous ways of seeking it. And she did try to get us (my friend and I) to chase her. To feel bad for her, to run to her and comfort her. To save her. But we saw through this and we just called the police instead. The hospital staff would have to come to her aid.


I was doing ok, until all of this. Thinking that she didn't want me anymore, I put a lot of effort into healing. But now it has been ripped wide open again due to seeing her so down and all the mixed signals. But at least I have the anger this time and the realization that I have carried her through this whole marriage and no show of appreciation, just being kicked to the curb. Anger, I have found, can make some pretty strong sutures. But the infection or feeling bad for her remains. The feeling of having to help her, wanting to help her is still with me. So with my tears I turn my back to these feelings knowing that I cannot let myself be hurt like this again. I still, for her. I still have hopes that someday she will be able to stand on her own, and realize what her actions can do to people. I hope on that day she leans how important it is that she walks beside her mate, and not rely on people to drag and carry her through life. I cannot wait around for that day. This is something that she has to realize and do on her own. And again, I hope so badly that she does.
 

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OMG hun... I am so sorry for all your pain and loss... I cannot believe how much of a burden you have carried... know that you have done all and MORE than most could or would have done. You are amazing and when you find the right one??? you will both be blessed and happy. I know i carried my ex.... when he wasn't trying to crush my spirit into the ground... I was always apologizing for him, making excuses, sticking up for him and believing him against the wishes of my kids... I am heartbroken to hear some of the things my kids have said to me.... what the HELL was I thinking?
My ex is still in the house 1 yr later and I am still paying 1/2 the mtg until it gets sold. he is living in filth and will be moving within a few days with the ex that broke us up.... but her loss.. lol SHE will find out... now if I can just stand to wait a little more and hopefully not lose my shirt cause he is dicking around with the house??? soon soon soon.... divorce should be final ina few weeks and then WHAM he is gonna be hit with papers to sell upon MY demand! mwaahahahahahahaha...
hang in there rex... luv and hugz and kissez to you!!! Love Lynn
 

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Dude. Let her go. On the inside. It may take a while, don't beat up on yourself.

The thing that's specific about our types, is that we are future-focused. Relationships dissolving, messes with our vision and many times we stay in bad situations to avoid the future.

I encourage you to let her go, because i have been tormented by ex-s that know i feel responisible for them, long after we've split. They know you, better than you know yourself (or them). And they can play you like a fiddle if you hang around. It can get costly: financially, emotionally, physically.

I'm just coming out of a deep, self-diagnosed, depression of almost 10 years, due the breakup between my oldest son's mother and i. I wouldn't wish that darkness on my worst enemy, not even my son's mother! So, please avoid it if possible.

** My new motto: U R OK AS-IS **
 
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