Do any other female ENTPs feel weird when others make the first move?

7948 Views 30 Replies 16 Participants Last post by Tad Cooper, Sep 25, 2013

Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · Sep 13, 2013 (Edited)

I don't know if this is a personal thing for me or if other female ENTPs feel the same way, but I recently discovered I actually feel weird if someone else makes the first move. I realized that I am a female who actually prefers to make the first move when it comes to admitting I am attracted to someone or want to take the next step with someone. Also, I am the type of girl who likes to do the "chasing" more than being the one who is being "chased". Part of this is I think is due to the fact that I like to keep my options open and if someone else makes the first move, it somewhat feels like that option is being forced upon me? It also feels weird because if I don't feel the same way about the other person, I don't want to feel obligated in telling them I'm not interested in them that way. I also feel like if someone makes the first move, I wonder where the challenge is and the "game" is not as fun for me.

Sometimes I don't mind if someone else makes the first move yet at the same time if they come on too strongly it makes me feel awkward and out of place. Like if they come on in a more subtle, "gentle" way, I realized that I actually find them more attractive. I definitely don't like the pushy types who exert themselves onto someone they're interested in, as they actually end up pissing me off immensely. Like I don't always want to make the first move but at the same time I prefer to keep myself open to different options and possibilities until I find who I think is a good fit for me.

Are there any other female ENTPs who feel the same or is this just a personal thing for me?

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sighcantthinkofaname

· #2 · Sep 14, 2013

Sapphyreopal5 said:
Sometimes I don't mind if someone else makes the first move yet at the same time if they come on too strongly it makes me feel awkward and out of place.

This hits the nail on the head for me.
I don't like it when a big deal is made, or when it feels forced.
Not to mention the stronger they come on the harder it is to reject them, and the less likely it is to get back to a normal relationship. I mean, even if I'm interested I don't want that much pressure.

I also feel like a lot of guys who come on really strongly have big egos, and then I of course feel the need to show that I'm not impressed and put them in their place.

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Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #3 · Sep 14, 2013

sighcantthinkofaname said:
This hits the nail on the head for me.
I don't like it when a big deal is made, or when it feels forced.
Not to mention the stronger they come on the harder it is to reject them, and the less likely it is to get back to a normal relationship. I mean, even if I'm interested I don't want that much pressure.

I also feel like a lot of guys who come on really strongly have big egos, and then I of course feel the need to show that I'm not impressed and put them in their place.

All of this... especially the bolded! I made this post because I recently had an experience that confirmed this suspicion about me (that I don't like it too much often times when the guy makes the first move) and have been wondering if other ENTP women are the same way. I definitely feel like there's a lot of pressure being put on me if someone comes onto me strongly, which really bugs me. I mean it seems like a lot of women are into that but not me :laughing:

As the story goes:
So there is a guy who happens to be in the same program as me at school. We have been texting each other here and there trying to get to know one another. It is entirely possible if you ask me to try getting to know someone and seeing what makes them tick without actually being romantically interested in them (which this guy doesn't really seem to get as you'll see). I decided why not have this guy take the MBTI? I guessed he's either ESFP or ISFP and well as it so happens he is ISFP. He claimed that he would've guessed ENTP for me based on the dichotomies (could've been saying that to try saying hey I "get" you, let's get together in a "slick" way). So he reads the descriptions and then says to me "so we are so different yet alike at the same time. May be that's why we're so drawn to each other". (and has been saying some flirty stuff the last couple days, which has been making me feel really weird).

After I read that text message, I just stopped replying (which was over 24 hours ago). I mean I am just not interested in this guy to be quite frank. The way this guy jumped to such conclusions about my supposedly being attracted to him and coming onto me that way is not cool in my book. It makes me wonder how he would behave in a relationship, how pushy he'd get with me (yeah, sorry it's just downright creepy if you ask me). I hate that type of pressuring some guys like that do when it comes to making moves. When guys come onto me strongly it just feels really unnatural most of the time and just too much pressure. That and as you said, it'd be hard to get things back to homeostasis should things go sour.

sighcantthinkofaname

· #4 · Sep 14, 2013

Sapphyreopal5 said:
"so we are so different yet alike at the same time. May be that's why we're so drawn to each other".

Wow, even if I was interested in a guy that line would make me groan.

Anyway, I thought I'd expand by saying that I feel a lot of guys just don't understand what girls think is romantic (meaning I'm bored so I"m telling stories). My mom once told me a story about a guy she went on a date with. She's an INTP.
They had dinner plans.
He called her around 4:00 asking if he could come over early
She said no
He asked why
She said because she was cleaning her apartment.
And then, of all things, he offers to come help.
Who would say yes to that?

And then my poor poor INFJ friend. She's a really nice person, and there's this guy who is commonly disliked (in my opinion for good reasons), and she talks to him and is friends with him. Not because they have a lot in common or their super close, because she doesn't mind his company and she knows it makes him happy, and INFJ stuff. Last year he asked her out, and she declined, but stayed his friend.
Recently someone told her that he liked her again, and so she decided to go and ask him about it. Well.
He got mad that she still doesn't like him. He has apparently told all his friends that he likes her. And now she has people telling her she should apologize for leading him on, when she treats him no differently than she treats me (as far as flirtation goes).
The fact that she has people mad at her because she was his friend makes me so mad I can't even begin to express it.

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Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #5 · Sep 14, 2013

sighcantthinkofaname said:
Wow, even if I was interested in a guy that line would make me groan.

Anyway, I thought I'd expand by saying that I feel a lot of guys just don't understand what girls think is romantic (meaning I'm bored so I"m telling stories). My mom once told me a story about a guy she went on a date with. She's an INTP.
They had dinner plans.
He called her around 4:00 asking if he could come over early
She said no
He asked why
She said because she was cleaning her apartment.
And then, of all things, he offers to come help.
Who would say yes to that?

And then my poor poor INFJ friend. She's a really nice person, and there's this guy who is commonly disliked (in my opinion for good reasons), and she talks to him and is friends with him. Not because they have a lot in common or their super close, because she doesn't mind his company and she knows it makes him happy, and INFJ stuff. Last year he asked her out, and she declined, but stayed his friend.
Recently someone told her that he liked her again, and so she decided to go and ask him about it. Well.
He got mad that she still doesn't like him. He has apparently told all his friends that he likes her. And now she has people telling her she should apologize for leading him on, when she treats him no differently than she treats me (as far as flirtation goes).
The fact that she has people mad at her because she was his friend makes me so mad I can't even begin to express it.

Some people are just downright clueless, like that guy who likes your INFJ friend and that guy who offered to help clean your mom's apartment. I saw that line and was like "oh god.... this is NOT corny as hell and not to mention borderline creepy on top of that". I mean it sounds like that guy is big time desperado. I mean if someone doesn't like you, they don't like you. Get over it and move on with your life, there are plenty of fish in the sea. There's a difference between being friendly and being flirty. It can be hard to tell for some people but for me, I tend to be rather obvious if I am actually flirting as opposed to being friendly.

This guy in my class is starting to come off as very desperate and even creepy. I got some weird vibes from him when I first saw him (felt he is a nice person but seems desperate and even pushy for what he wants). Any chances this guy from my class had of things going a certain direction just shriveled up... gah!

LadyO.W.BernieBro

· #6 · Sep 14, 2013

lndeed. l much prefer that l say something charming after watching someone for a given period of time.

lf they receive my charms, l don't mind if they chase me, but l have to ''fertilize'' so to speak.

l don't know what to do with this fucked up brain, anymore.

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Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #7 · Sep 14, 2013

OMG WTF BRO said:
lndeed. l much prefer that l say something charming after watching someone for a given period of time.

lf they receive my charms, l don't mind if they chase me, but l have to ''fertilize'' so to speak.

l don't know what to do with this fucked up brain, anymore.

I like to be the one who at the very least wants to push the ball to get it rolling. It's okay for me if they continue to roll the ball, although for me personally I actually prefer to be the one chasing them (seem to have that hunting instinct men are widely claimed to have). If anything, I would imagine that a lot of men appreciate a woman who's not afraid to make the first move because hey, it can be scary making first moves and well it'd take off a lot of pressure for them. That's just my two cents on the matter anyways.

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LadyO.W.BernieBro

· #8 · Sep 14, 2013

Sapphyreopal5 said:
I like to be the one who at the very least wants to push the ball to get it rolling. It's okay for me if they continue to roll the ball, although for me personally I actually prefer to be the one chasing them (seem to have that hunting instinct men are widely claimed to have). If anything, I would imagine that a lot of men appreciate a woman who's not afraid to make the first move because hey, it can be scary making first moves and well it'd take off a lot of pressure for them. That's just my two cents on the matter anyways.

That's basically how l got an INTJ.

Though, he had this kind of alpha/beta hybrid thing happening. Liked to be chased but ultimately wanted to be dominant sexually.

Eh. Nothing wrong with it, l just have these instinctual male tendencies that don't always match with what l want in life and maybe if l'd been given the choice, l'd opt for less prenatal testosterone exposure lol.

Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #9 · Sep 14, 2013

OMG WTF BRO said:
That's basically how l got an INTJ.

Though, he had this kind of alpha/beta hybrid thing happening. Liked to be chased but ultimately wanted to be dominant sexually.

Eh. Nothing wrong with it, l just have these instinctual male tendencies that don't always match with what l want in life and maybe if l'd been given the choice, l'd opt for less prenatal testosterone exposure lol.

That's interesting, although I think that kind of thing is more commonplace than we'd think. From what I've heard, it's not that uncommon for socially dominant people to enjoy being sexually dominant and the shy people wanting to be sexually dominant. May be it'd be because the socially dominant person would be more able to "take a break" and relax while letting the otherwise less socially dominant person have an opportunity to feel in power?

I can completely relate to the bolded part XD

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O_o

· #10 · Sep 14, 2013

Indeed. Everything you posted hits home base for me. Always been that way and probably always will be.

I know my waiting time and once I'm certain that he is the only guy I'm interested in and want, I ask without any kind of hesitation. Generally though, I don't have a problem with him asking either as long as the waiting time has been around mine as well. Something about the process of being in that stage where you're trying to figure out how the other feels and get to know each other, is amazing. Why rush into it and make it obvious right away that you like the person when you haven't even taken the time to know them? So when a guy seems like he's rushing into it and not being casual, asks me out before I feel like enough time has passed and we actually know each other and for any form of genuine attachment to happen, it fucks everything up and the answer is no.

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Jabberbroccoli

· #11 · Sep 14, 2013

Sometimes I don't like making the first move. Maybe that means we're meant for each other BB.

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Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #12 · Sep 15, 2013

Jabberbroccoli said:
Sometimes I don't like making the first move. Maybe that means we're meant for each other BB.

Really now? Why not try swooning me then? You know with offering to cook me a nice homemade dinner, setting the mood with pink scented candles, and then also telling me to follow the path of pink rose petals that lead to the bath tub where you'll offer to massage my scalp with coconut scented shampoo and run conditioner through my hair and also washing my body. Afterwards, carrying me out of the bath tub following a path of red rose petals to the bedroom which is lit up with candles. Then you know what happens afterwards....

Oh wait.... that would constitute as you making the first move, wouldn't it?

DeathRipper

· #13 · Sep 15, 2013

Not just you. It's not that I really like making first moves, but I prefer it over others doing it. Sometimes, I just need terribly big amount of time to decide that that's it. The thing is, I'm not a type to get into a relationship if I'm not sure it'll endure. Because in most cases, I wouldn't be the one hurt if it falls apart. When I see a potential problem in the future, be it his or my flaw, or some conditions, I really really have to be attracted to somebody to still decide to get into it, mainly because I don't want to hurt him. That's why I prefer leaving me space to decide when to make the move, thank you very much. I know it's pretty selfish, wanting to engage only when I'm sure despite the other person, but meh.

However, I don't really do kissing on the spot or confession kind of things. I leave it to them. I just guide them to the point, when I think it's time. It's really impossible not to pick up the clues. I don't know, you just somehow know this kind of things. I can't really phrase it properly, it kinda just comes naturally to me. XD

Although there's an exception to this. I can stand pushy ENTJs, at least when I'm in good mood. Because although they tend to be extremely pushy if they decide for that method, you see that's just means to get what they want, and not something they'd truly get upset about. It's so easy to tease both ways around, it's nearly a determination game. I don't know, their pushiness suits them.

OMG WTF BRO said:
Though, he had this kind of alpha/beta hybrid thing happening. Liked to be chased but ultimately wanted to be dominant sexually.

Question, is it just me, or we're the opposite? Like to chase, but ultimately want to be submissive sexually? Somewhat as being dominant socially and submissive sexually, if you'd like. Dunno if it's ENTP thing, tho.

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Sapphyreopal5

Discussion Starter · #14 · Sep 15, 2013

DeathRipper said:
Question, is it just me, or we're the opposite? Like to chase, but ultimately want to be submissive sexually? Somewhat as being dominant socially and submissive sexually, if you'd like. Dunno if it's ENTP thing, tho.

I'm the same way quite honestly. As I said in another post (don't mean to be redundant here) but I've heard that it's not uncommon for the more socially dominant person to be more submissive in the bedroom as it could be their way of "sitting back and taking a break" sort of thing. Likewise, it's not uncommon for the more socially shy person to desire being more sexually dominant as a way of having an opportunity to be in power of the situation they wouldn't have otherwise?

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series0

· #15 · Sep 16, 2013

sighcantthinkofaname said:
Wow, even if I was interested in a guy that line would make me groan.

Anyway, I thought I'd expand by saying that I feel a lot of guys just don't understand what girls think is romantic (meaning I'm bored so I"m telling stories). My mom once told me a story about a guy she went on a date with. She's an INTP.
They had dinner plans.
He called her around 4:00 asking if he could come over early
She said no
He asked why
She said because she was cleaning her apartment.
And then, of all things, he offers to come help.
Who would say yes to that?

And then my poor poor INFJ friend. She's a really nice person, and there's this guy who is commonly disliked (in my opinion for good reasons), and she talks to him and is friends with him. Not because they have a lot in common or their super close, because she doesn't mind his company and she knows it makes him happy, and INFJ stuff. Last year he asked her out, and she declined, but stayed his friend.
Recently someone told her that he liked her again, and so she decided to go and ask him about it. Well.
He got mad that she still doesn't like him. He has apparently told all his friends that he likes her. And now she has people telling her she should apologize for leading him on, when she treats him no differently than she treats me (as far as flirtation goes).
The fact that she has people mad at her because she was his friend makes me so mad I can't even begin to express it.

Both of your stories were hilarious.

Can I come over and clean your apartment - wow - that one is still making me laugh.

INFJs may be great at deciphering other people's bizarre emotional landscapes but that is because they have to live amid the Cool World psychotic hell that is their own heads. I am ridiculously drawn to them, but I haven't met one yet that was not unstable personally. The sort-of blaming you for their own dreamworld crap like the example you gave is perfect spot-on INFJ anti-sense.

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DeathRipper

· #16 · Sep 16, 2013

Sapphyreopal5 said:
I'm the same way quite honestly. As I said in another post (don't mean to be redundant here) but I've heard that it's not uncommon for the more socially dominant person to be more submissive in the bedroom as it could be their way of "sitting back and taking a break" sort of thing. Likewise, it's not uncommon for the more socially shy person to desire being more sexually dominant as a way of having an opportunity to be in power of the situation they wouldn't have otherwise?

I guess it makes sense. I heard something along those lines too, but not that well formulated.

I also thought submissiveness might be a way for women to make their men feel more protective towards them.

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nujabes

· #17 · Sep 16, 2013

Let me tell you, if someone offered to come clean my house before we went on a date, I'd take the offer.

But fat chance we're getting down to sexiitiemz. You offer to clean, you're gonna make sure my house is goddamn spotless.

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gracElizabeth

· #18 · Sep 17, 2013

I relate to some of this. I don't really enjoy chasing, but I do find it hard to say no and get annoyed when guys make the first move, yeah. But then sometimes I'm relieved because I really didn't want to. Guess I think everyone can read minds.

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steffy

· #19 · Sep 17, 2013

Haha <<mental fertilizing. Frankly, the type of men to come on strong... aren't my type.

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iowagal22

· #20 · Sep 18, 2013

Yeah... I feel like I don't mind if the other person makes the first move if it's a scenario where I've already decided that I like the person. But I'm not about creepy bar come-ons and the like. If you come on too strong initially, I'll likely get super sarcastic and try to cut you down. It mostly gets mistaken for flirting and then :dry:

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