Personality Cafe banner

Do ENTPs find it hard to forgive?

[ENTP] 
10K views 51 replies 41 participants last post by  dwelfusius 
#1 ·
I don't know if this is just me, but I've realised lately that I find it almost impossible to forgive people if they mess up/piss me off (or lie to me) in a fairly big way. It's odd because I know nobody is perfect, but because I'm honest with people, I do try and avoid messing anyone around of pissing them off. Because of that, I find it incredibly annoying when other people clearly are trying to manipulate or lie to me.

I'm not referring to situations where something goes wrong or something bad happens and it's out of a person's control - that's fine and happens quite a lot. But where someone deliberately lies to me, messes me around or something, I absolutely hate it and tend to cut that person out of my life straight away. I don't give second chances - if you piss me off, you're out of the door and you aren't coming back.

The area of my life I've noticed this the most is in romantic relationships. When I listen to friends moaning about things their partners have done, I can find myself thinking 'Well, I wouldn't put up with that', and yet people can and do put up with their loved ones behaving like arses (as I said above, nobody is perfect) and they still continue with their relationships. In many cases - the 'fuck up' eventually gets forgotten and they seem happy enough together.

If I'm completely honest, I guess a part of this comes from the ENTP self-confidence - so if someone does piss me off, I think HOW DARE YOU PISS ME OFF I AM AWESOME AND YOU WILL REGRET THIS.

Over to you - is this an ENTP thing or am I the fuck up for not forgiving people?
 
See less See more
#2 ·
The whole premise of forgiveness has been bastardized. If you forgive someone, it is on the basis that they won't do it again. Inevitably, they continue with their garbage behaviour. Sure I'll forgive, not forget and be sure to lay the pain down if it happens again.

A spouse is different. I've been that guy saying "I'd never let a woman do that to me"... and then I got married. Happy wife, happy life.
 
#3 ·
Yes, I think this might be true :crying: this is where estp's have a one up on ya. They're such knuckle heads they end up forgiving by the sheer fairness of reality :tongue: you guys and you're damn Si!!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bugs and aliceinbrc
#4 ·
I'm not a "one strike and you're out" guy, and I can get past something. But, yes, it's hard for me to forgive a serious screw up.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Scichick
#6 ·
I guess the question is, what do you guys consider a serious screw up?


I tend to blow everything up to ridiculous proportions in my head. So really, I don't think I have any voodoo dolls with my name on it but, you never know..
 
#7 ·
I tend to easily forgive for most things in life. I have always felt it was more the logically/rationalizing side of me that lets me do it. I don't take too much very personally, which usually is the catalyst for resentment and being able to forgive. Most of the time, my feeling is that a person behaved a certain way (that is the way they are and I am not going to change them) or is in a situation that made them do a certain thing and I am not going to change that, so why get worked up. However, I am going to be wary of that person until I feel the situation has been resolved and it won't happen again. If it continuously happens with no chance for resolution, I usually cut myself off from them; however, I don't really have any lingering resentment for them and really forget about it.

My ESFJ mother is the queen of not being able to forgive and forget. God forbid you get on her bad side, 20 years later, she still would be cursing your name (and often for not anything particularly awful either). She is amazed at how tolerant and forgiving I am of my very difficult mother in law. I realized early on in our marriage that she can be awful to everyone who is not a blood relative, so I don't take it personally when she directs a comment at me. I was just around her at the wrong time and it really does not upset me. I also can see that she is very kind to her grandchildren so it helps to humanize her more. However, I try not be alone with her too often because that is when the comments happen.
 
#9 ·
I forgive way too easily and often. Especially if it's someone I care about. I don't like to give up on people and give them too many chances. But once you've hit a certain threshold, you are dead to me. Show up drunk to dinner? Okay. Show up drunk to a date? Annoying but okay. Show up drunk to an important event? Fine, I'll deal with it later. Show up drunk to try to win me back after I dumped you for being an alcoholic, and I will never speak to you again. Don't care if he goes through AA and comes back in five years to apologise. Don't care if he joins the Peace Corps and is in the newspapers for rescuing kittens. You've crossed that threshold for my tolerance and I will never again grace you with my presence.
 
#11 ·
I will often forgive a person because I know I'm a person as well and they also forgive me of my mistakes.

However, I will not tolerate multiple attempts of blatant disrespect toward myself or anyone I know.
 
#12 ·
i don't think there's anything I've ever not forgiven anyone for

the only thing that will irks me about other is when they judge others and don't forgive them for stuff and hold a grudge


you can lie, steal, cheat, kill, i don't care I'd forgive....think you're better than someone else and not forgive someone, in my eye you're a piece of shit and the scum of the earth

I always think its sad and shameful when people do things out of weakness like lie, steal, cheat etc...but I forgive them because it was done out of weakness

when people lie, cheat and steal etc out of will, with some goal in mind, I forgive them too because they have good intentions and are doing what seems best from their point of view... and I can relate to that. I always have lie to people because what I believe is wrong they think is right and what I think is right they think is wrong for example what I'm saying right here

the only sin in my opinion is not forgiving
 
#13 ·
Forgiving people is ridiculously easy. I actually probably give people way too many chances just because I think they're stupid for making mistakes in the first place. It still hurts though, because it's essentially insulting my intelligence.

Forgetting is another thing. Never lie to an ENTP.
 
#16 ·
I think that my relationship with people is defined by the culmination of all behavior between me and the other person. So when someone does something vindictive or hurtful, I will never forget that they're capable of that type of behavior. I forgive and get over things rather easily, but don't ever think I'll forget.
 
#18 ·
For me I forgive too easily, but I never forget. I will still feel pissed or angry no matter how much time passes but I learn to look passed that because I have a too large view of things, for example if someone did something such as get me in trouble on purpose I will be livid for like 4 days at least then my rational side will take over and I will start thinking about it in a much broader prospective: "Man who cares if they did that to me we are all young and I probably wont ever see them again and it's stupid to be caught up in such small petty things when bigger things are happening all around me plus who knows what kind of life they led, they probably have to face a lot of trouble from how tiny their brains are" and that's the thought process of moving on, I still feel angry though sometimes, that and a bit of pity.
 
#19 ·
Normally I forgive very fast and also aim to forget if it wasn't something of a great importance to me

Then again, sometimes I get incredibly stubborn and refuse to discuss with the person until ages later I realize that I haven't been angry in a long, long time and am like shhiiittt when I wonder whether I should approach the person or not.
 
#21 ·
It's amazing how easily I forgive people, and sometimes I forget sometimes I don't. Sometimes I fight with people, and stop talking to them and then I forget about it and call them like nothing happened; then I remember I'm supposed to be angry, but at this point I can discuss it calmly and move on. That's regarding small things though. Trust is very important to me, and if I make myself vulnerable to someone and trust them, and they exploit that and betray me, I kick them out of my life in a heartbeat. And I always remember.
 
#22 ·
I can learn to let go of the little things and move on, but I have been burned a few times. I usually make the executive decision to remove the toxicity from my life, especially if I'm not invested in that person. I do have a few best friends that can get away with a lot more, but I guess that is because I've known them my whole life. When it comes to relationships, I have been cheated on more than one occasion. The very first time it happened to me, I tried to forgive because I was emotionally invested at that point, which took a lot of work to begin with. Since then, there is no excuse, and first time offenders get the boot.
 
#25 ·
Thanks for everyone's replies - really interesting reading!

There's a part of me which knows full well that not forgiving is harmful only to me, though so far it hasn't ever happened like that - simply because I'm good at compartmentalising my feelings so they don't eat away at me.

A few weeks ago I had a Facebook friend request from my ex-ex boyfriend, who I haven't had any contact with for nearly 10 years - he's tried to contact me several times, but I've ignored all attempts. He's married now with two children, so I am wondering why the hell he thinks after this length of time that I would be interested in him at all, even as a friend? He was a MASSIVE twat in our relationship and dumping him brought nothing but sheer relief.

Maybe he's totally different now and has grown up a bit (though to be fair he was early 30s when we were dating, so definitely not young and stupid) but I genuinely have ZERO fucks to give about what he is doing with his life. Not interested at all. I haven't forgiven or forgotten the things he did, but it doesn't harm me because I never think about it. He just got cut out of my life and that was it.

Seriously though, married man trying to get back in contact with an ex-girlfriend who has ignored all his previous attempts at contact?! He wants an affair, right? It's been nearly TEN YEARS, for crying out loud. :rolleyes:
 
#29 ·
I like to see both sides of the situation and then evaluate forgiveness. Therefore I often forgive easily if I can see the other side's logical reasoning - simple things like being late or forgetting something. However if the offender's reasoning is flawed and unreasonable (usually selfish/arrogant/ignorant acts) then it's extremely hard for me to forgive them. Often personalities that have primarily sensing functions are the one's I disagree with since ENTPs lack the most in sensing and thus they view sensing reasoning as flawed.

I will often accept the offender's apology verbally, but will not view them positively until they can prove that they no longer act upon such an unforgiving manner. For example, the person that I hold the biggest grudge on is someone whom led me on. I view leading people on as selfish and unreasonable acts that cannot be justified nor forgiven. I confronted her and easily accepted her apology verbally, however when I tried to stay friends it just did not work out because mentally I did not forgive her. It's been two years and I've pushed off all her attempts in trying to contact me. The only way for me to forgive such a person is if they actually prove that they agree with my reasoning that selfish acts are wrong.

Maybe he's totally different now and has grown up a bit (though to be fair he was early 30s when we were dating, so definitely not young and stupid) but I genuinely have ZERO fucks to give about what he is doing with his life. Not interested at all. I haven't forgiven or forgotten the things he did, but it doesn't harm me because I never think about it. He just got cut out of my life and that was it.

Seriously though, married man trying to get back in contact with an ex-girlfriend who has ignored all his previous attempts at contact?! He wants an affair, right? It's been nearly TEN YEARS, for crying out loud. :rolleyes:
To reply to this quote - I think it's natural for ENTP's to ruthlessly seek out and discover everything about a person. Then when there's no more value in a person they are forgotten and pushed away - hence ENTP's tendency to get bored easily. You probably already know all about your ex ex and he only brought negative value - unless he can prove positive value somehow then it's unlikely you will give him any attention. I do the same for a lot of my relationships - if I get to a point where the person no longer offers any value I ignore them. It's a shallow thing to do, but ENTPs value efficiency and growth over feelings so we can't help it.

As for what you should do about your ex ex - you should see what he has to offer. Ask him to join you with a group of friends or something that's not an intimate 1 on 1. If he's changed - which is unlikely imo, then you can rekindle a friendship. If he's the same as before then go back to ignoring him.
 
#26 ·
I find it pretty easy to forgive(maybe too easy).

Even when I meet people with whom I've had serious screw-ups in the past, I smile as usual and greet them with genuine enthusiasm as if nothing had happened.I've found this cheerful forgiveness to be rather effective all in all and it's gained me this reputation for being a sort of optimistic clownish guy:crazy:Not that it's always good though.Forgiving far too easily makes people take you less seriously and start stepping over you(this hasn't happened to me yet though).

A lot of other ENxPs I know have this quality too.It's probably being an enneatype 7w6 that does this for you.
 
#27 ·
I don't really hold grudges. If someone has done something egregious then I think forgiving is not so easy. Part of me wants to forgive (Ne-Fe) but a small part of me finds it hard sometimes ( inferior annoying Si). If someone has made a permanent negative impression upon me I usually just move on and don't really think about it anymore after a short while. It all depends on the circumstance.
 
#28 ·
I think I very quickly forgive pretty much anything. Things may emotionally move me but I quickly move from feeling to analyzing and taking an objective stance. C'est la vie is what I think of pretty much anything. But like many said, I don't forget.

One thing I have a slight problem forgiving is unforgivingness in others :). I guess to me a grudge is like a strange, potentionally dangerous force that I can't relate to and there fore don't know how to handle.
 
#34 ·
One thing I have a slight problem forgiving is unforgivingness in others :). I guess to me a grudge is like a strange, potentionally dangerous force that I can't relate to and there fore don't know how to handle.
I know exactly what you mean, my mother is the type of person to hold a grudge and I could never understand why growing up. She never knew that I kept a very firm stance on objectivity lol, I would just be agreeable and let her rant away.
 
#30 ·
I think it depends on what your ex did to you. Some boundaries should never be crossed.

I had a similar experience, forgave him many times for cheating on me/dumping me and seeing the good and hoping it will turn better, second chances etc. The ultimate showdown was when I crossed countries and we moved in together, within 3 months he cheated on me again and would be texting and talking to his new squeeze on the other side of the bed with me. It was messy and he moved out and he is still dating that girl to this day.

I am just trying to share my experience (so please don't comment on how I shouldn't have taken him back in the first place etc.!) but 2 years later, I rarely think about it anymore and don't even get angry when I do. I also have no desire to see this person ever again purely because of the character that he is, and it is liberating.

However, I bumped into him for the first time a few weeks ago and it all came flooding back. I had no desire to hold a friendly conversation and felt humiliated and angered all over again. So if you look at it that way - did I ever forgive and forget?

Besides, the two seem mutually inclusive because I can't get around the differences between the two definitions. How can you "forgive" and not forget, because by remembering this incident you are holding on to the same grudge. The outcome is the same when you can no longer revert to the situation you had before.
 
#32 ·
I'm not referring to situations where something goes wrong or something bad happens and it's out of a person's control - that's fine and happens quite a lot. But where someone deliberately lies to me, messes me around or something, I absolutely hate it and tend to cut that person out of my life straight away. I don't give second chances - if you piss me off, you're out of the door and you aren't coming back.
Depends on how big of a fuck up it was, context, who are they to me. If I think they are sincerely won't to not fuck up again AND I find them important to be with I'll give second chance. Relatives has a leeway on this by default. "someone deliberately lies to me, messes me around" I'll remember it in any case. I'll probably will be suspicious to such persons motives n the future.

In most cases, yeah, I've cut many people out my life. Why waste your time? Especially if this happens before any real relationships are formed.

The area of my life I've noticed this the most is in romantic relationships. When I listen to friends moaning about things their partners have done, I can find myself thinking 'Well, I wouldn't put up with that', and yet people can and do put up with their loved ones behaving like arses (as I said above, nobody is perfect) and they still continue with their relationships. In many cases - the 'fuck up' eventually gets forgotten and they seem happy enough together. ?
Constantly. God, I hate listening to this kind of bemoaning. "Your SO is making you miserable, why are you still there?" but then if you say so you are an insensitive ass. So you have to try and make it so that your friend will think they thought about it themselves.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Scichick
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top