Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 73 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
307 Posts
Some girls like nice people and some girls reject niceness.
This is probably the best answer. I would expand it a little bit more to say that being nice or not isn't one of the top things that girls care about so being nice or not isn't going to have a huge impact one way or another.
 

·
Sunset Stripper
Joined
·
9,636 Posts
Eh. I really like it, and think most people do. It's honestly one of the top things for me tbh.

I recently told a guy I thought he was really nice. I mentioned it because he was constantly being wonderful, and I meant it. It wasn't meant to friendzone either. He's pleasant to talk to, considerate, polite and I really, really like it. It's something that stands out to me. It's not saccharine nice or overwhelming or 24/7, but it's just like, right all the time. It's amazing.

I guess what people mean is that sometimes you feel like they're nice and it just doesn't mesh well with the chemistry so you don't like the niceness. But idk, it just depends on the guy and their personality. Or it might be the chemistry in general. The guy I'm talking about, him being nice makes him 5000000 times more amazing. Seriously, it's always on my mind. So yeah, I love nice. I might be one of those people that blows up nice behavior, and puts too much stock into it. I'm constantly calling nice people absolute angels for the smallest behavior that's remotely pleasant.

Still, I do think some girls prefer guys that are more rough but I think everyone appreciates nice people.
 

·
EvilShoutyRudolph
Joined
·
5,099 Posts
https://www.google.ca/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/do-women-really-go-for-bad-boys-heres-the-science-that-settles-the-question-59409#ampshare=https://theconversation.com/do-women-really-go-for-bad-boys-heres-the-science-that-settles-the-question-59409

Do women really go for 'bad boys'? Here's the science that settles the question
Viren Swami
May 19, 2016 6.26am BST

Forget waiting by the phone for someone who never calls, science suggests niceness is hot. Olga Rosi/Shutterstock
“Nice guys finish last” is one of the most widely believed maxims of dating. Fleshed out, the idea goes something like this: heterosexual women might say they want nice characteristics in a partner, but in reality what they want is the challenge that comes with dating a “bad boy”. This idea is so widespread that some people are even making money off the back of it, selling self-help books and teaching men how to pick up women by insulting them – a practice known as “negging”.

Recently, an article published by Broadly claimed, “Everyone knows [bad boys] … are desirable. Thanks to a recent study, this is now scientifically verifiable.”

The research it refers to is a study published earlier this year, which suggested that some men smoke and drink because this makes them more attractive short-term partners.

Leaving aside the obvious point that the article is conflating “bad” with drinking and smoking (as Girl on the Net writes, “badness” is really a lot more than just smoking 20 a day or drinking like there’s no tomorrow), is it really true that women prefer bad boys (read: insensitive, macho jerks)? Let’s take a look at some reliable scientific evidence.

One way to investigate the issue is to present women with hypothetical men with different personality types and see which ones they prefer. In one such study, participants had to help a fictional character named Susan choose a date from three male contestants, based on their answers to her questions. In one version, the man was nice – he was in touch with his feelings, caring and kind. In another, he was a self-described “real man” who was insensitive and unkind. The third contestant simply gave neutral answers.

So which contestant did participants think Susan should date and who did they prefer to date themselves? Contrary to the stereotype that nice guys finish last, it was actually the nice contestant that was chosen most frequently for both Susan and for participants themselves.

In another study, participants who read dating ads in which people described themselves as altruistic (“I volunteer at the food bank”) were rated as more attractive short-term dates and long-term partners than those who didn’t mention such qualities. Other studies have similarly shown that women prefer men who are sensitive, confident and easy-going, and that very few (if any) women want to date a man who is aggressive or demanding. The picture that emerges is clear: when women rate hypothetical partners, they clearly prefer “nice” men.

In fact, the power of niceness shouldn’t be underestimated. Some studies have shown that having a nice personality can even affect impressions of a person’s physical attractiveness. Characteristics such as warmth, kindness, and basic decency are valued by both women and men – having them makes us more desirable partners, but also makes us appear more physically attractive.

The attractive power of narcissists
Of course, sometimes we do find “bad” people attractive. Narcissists – people who show high levels of self-importance, superiority, entitlement, arrogance and a willingness to exploit others – are often perceived as very attractive in initial encounters. This may be because they put a lot of effort into their appearance and how they come across. Studies have shown that female narcissists tend to wear more make-up and show more cleavage than women who score lower on narcissism, whereas male narcissists spend more time building up their muscle mass.


Narcissists often struggle to maintain long-term relationships. Guryanov Andrey/shutterstock
In the very short term, narcissists can even seem more well-adjusted, entertaining and generally nicer. But over the long term, narcissists find it difficult to maintain a favourable impression and tend to be perceived as less adjusted, less warm, and more hostile and arrogant. Not surprisingly, the evidence shows that narcissists don’t like long-term, committed relationships and don’t do well in them anyway.

And there may be all sorts of other reasons why some people end up dating “bad people”. They may be repeating patterns of behaviour they’ve become used to in past relationships or they may find the world of dating stressful and end up making bad decisions. Or they may simply have bought into myths of dating and behave accordingly. But, for the most part, the evidence suggests that both women and men prefer nice partners and are turned off by jerks.

The problem with the nice-guys-finish-last stereotype, aside from going against the grain of years of scientific evidence, is that it may compromise the possibility of forming meaningful relationships. Perpetuating this myth not only creates unhelpful expectations about how we should behave, but trying to live up to the myth can sometimes damage relationships.

In the end, the idea that women want to date bad boys really just reinforces the misogynist’s idea of deceitful women and earnest “nice” men baffled by their lack of dating success. It allows some men to blame and hate women as a means of deflecting attention away from their own shortcomings. So, if you’re looking to science for some advice, it’s simple: be nice.
 

·
Charge'n Thru The Night
Joined
·
14,239 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Eh. I really like it, and think most people do. It's honestly one of the top things for me tbh.

I recently told a guy I thought he was really nice. I mentioned it because he was constantly being wonderful, and I meant it. It wasn't meant to friendzone either. He's pleasant to talk to, considerate, polite and I really, really like it. It's something that stands out to me. It's not saccharine nice or overwhelming or 24/7, but it's just like, right all the time. It's amazing.

I guess what people mean is that sometimes you feel like they're nice and it just doesn't mesh well with the chemistry so you don't like the niceness. But idk, it just depends on the guy and their personality. Or it might be the chemistry in general. The guy I'm talking about, him being nice makes him 5000000 times more amazing. Seriously, it's always on my mind. So yeah, I love nice. I might be one of those people that blows up nice behavior, and puts too much stock into it. I'm constantly calling nice people absolute angels for the smallest behavior that's remotely pleasant.

Still, I do think some girls prefer guys that are more rough but I think everyone appreciates nice people.
Personally a lot girls have told me how nice and sweet I am. I think it is a great compliment:)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
307 Posts
That study sounds absurd.

1. Smoking and drinking aren't the, "bad boy" traits anyone is talking about when they say girls like, "bad boys".

2. Using hypothetical situations is useless. What people will admit to and what they actually do are two different things.
 

·
Registered
My vehicle is INFP, 9w8. Vroom vroom!!
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
I like nice guys. I like nice people in general. I think they will get far in society since they can mesh with people through good will.

I'm not going to be attracted to someone who is rude to others and me, and I'll make sure my friends don't end up with a guy like that either!

Some guys kind of friend-zone themselves if they don't add some playful banter into their niceness to show that they think I'm cool, but maybe that's something specific that I like. A guy can be nice to everyone, and that's great, but if he likes me in an extra way, there should be a slight difference in the way he treats me—and not in a worse way than he treats others! The friend zone happens when everything is stagnant for so long that my window of romantic opportunity closes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gossip Goat

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,243 Posts
How about during your personal experience? Do you notice that more women reject nicess or prefer niceness?
I am nice to girls so the ones that have liked niceness have definitely paid more attention to me and shown more interest. Some girls treat you like you must have a disease if you’re nice to them or interact with them at all and I never take that personally. I see it as them having issues. I couldn’t really say what the majority is because my experiences are colored by my own individual choices. Also who cares about the majority? I’m not dealing with all girls every time I interact with one individual girl. The majority doesn’t mean anything either way. It bothers me when people apply stereotypes to their actual experiences or vice versa.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29,055 Posts
Being called sweet isn't being called sexy. Let's put it that way. It isn't a bad thing, but apparently a lot of guys think that once a woman calls you sweet, except it to be doom for any chance that you'd get in a relationship her. It sounds kind of odd but that is what they believe. Well you could also try it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
307 Posts
Being called sweet isn't being called sexy. Let's put it that way. It isn't a bad thing, but apparently a lot of guys think that once a woman calls you sweet, except it to be doom for any chance that you'd get in a relationship her. It sounds kind of odd but that is what they believe. Well you could also try it.
Also a lot of times the girl might just be letting a guy down easy and say some generic positive things about him like that he is, "nice" and this will get misinterpreted. The girl might not even think he is nice, she's just trying to not be a jerk about rejecting him.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
14,150 Posts
Being called sweet isn't being called sexy. Let's put it that way. It isn't a bad thing, but apparently a lot of guys think that once a woman calls you sweet, except it to be doom for any chance that you'd get in a relationship her. It sounds kind of odd but that is what they believe. Well you could also try it.
Sweet is just one description--but it's definitely not the same thing as being called a soulmate or a boyfriend.

There are many sweet people in the world, and it doesn't mean that all of them are compatible with that individual who perceives them sweet, for a relationship.

It's not bad--it probably means they like you unless they somehow hate sweet things or they are lying. In general it's a compliment. But you are right that it isn't the same as saying that people should be in a romantic relationship. It isn't a rejection either. It's just a description based on their perception of you.

I don't remember ever calling anyone sexy. I call people sweet when they seem sweet. Sweet is a taste--it means something like 'this is pleasant to me' or 'you are pleasant.' I'm not super into sweets, but I do think they taste pretty sweet. Sexy is harder to define.

Edit: Sorry--reread your post. What a weird thing for people to think about the word 'sweet.' As if people can't express things outside of code. I guess it is used in a patronizing way sometimes, like it means naive or overly nice to the detriment of self preservation. I don't use it that way myself though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29,055 Posts
Sweet is just one description--but it's definitely not the same thing as being called a soulmate or a boyfriend.

There are many sweet people in the world, and it doesn't mean that all of them are compatible with that individual who perceives them sweet, for a relationship.

It's not bad--it probably means they like you unless they somehow hate sweet things or they are lying. In general it's a compliment. But you are right that it isn't the same as saying that people should be in a romantic relationship. It isn't a rejection either. It's just a description based on their perception of you.

I don't remember ever calling anyone sexy. I call people sweet when they seem sweet. Sweet is a taste--it means something like 'this is pleasant to me' or 'you are pleasant.' I'm not super into sweets, but I do think they taste pretty sweet. Sexy is harder to define.

Edit: Sorry--reread your post. What a weird thing for people to think about the word 'sweet.' As if people can't express things outside of code. I guess it is used in a patronizing way sometimes, like it means naive or overly nice to the detriment of self preservation. I don't use it that way myself though.
I remember that everyone complains about doormats. So you can throw that into the conversation as well. But I think even though a boyfriend can be perfectly sweet, it applies as a sign that girl sees you more as a friend than a potential mate. Like you try to complement her but it's you falling for her and not the other way around. So she thinks it's nice, or possibly just doesn't want to say something mean, but either way it doesn't really agree with the boy's bottom line of trying to get into a relationship with her. There has to be something attractive about you to her, otherwise you are just being complimentary. I find that it doesn't really matter if you tell someone that you love them if they don't love you back on the same level. You could also cynically frame it in the harshest way possible and try to make it as an ulterior motive to have sex with a girl who is a friend but gets disappointed when she doesn't like him which is bad.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
14,150 Posts
I remember that everyone complains about doormats. So you can throw that into the conversation as well. But I think even though a boyfriend can be perfectly sweet, it applies as a sign that girl sees you more as a friend than a potential mate. Like you try to complement her but it's you falling for her and not the other way around. So she thinks it's nice, or possibly just doesn't want to say something mean, but either way it doesn't really agree with the boy's bottom line of trying to get into a relationship with her. There has to be something attractive about you to her, otherwise you are just being complimentary. I find that it doesn't really matter if you tell someone that you love them if they don't love you back on the same level. You could also cynically frame it in the harshest way possible and try to make it as an ulterior motive to have sex with a girl who is a friend but gets disappointed when she doesn't like him which is bad.
I wouldn't describe my closest female friends as sweet--actually one was quite aggressive. I was always the sweeter one imo.

But if you're doing something like complimenting someone, it might seem sweet. Like you are saying something nice to them--so it makes sense they might call you sweet even if they aren't prepared for, or interested in, a relationship. I can see that.

Sweetness can be attractive.

I also want to point out that there can be 'attractive' qualities in a person, but many women will still not choose to have intimate relationships with them. I mean, if we were to quantify them, I really do think that many people have attractive qualities--but having attractive qualities doesn't mean I will engage in a more intimate relationship. So maybe that's part of it that sweetness can be and is attractive, but for most women it's not the deciding factor (as if any one factor is for most women). I think men are similar.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
Jesus christ this is stupid. We all do this, how many times has the average man pays more attention to someone who looks better while neglecting someone who is kinder and would treat them better?

The origin of this comes from guys - namely in high school - observing that guys who don't treat other guys well, and might be outright bullies, are often successful with girls. That is because the girls are judging whether the guy is nice based on whether he is nice to them, because their dumb teenagers, and men don't fair any better, men that age (and sometimes older) aren't even emotionally equipped to judge a woman as a person, jumping back and forth between "all women are good & innocent" idealization and "all women are self serving bitches" misogyny long before being able to make a value judgement per individual, because they are too, dumb teenagers.

So the obvious conclusion is, if you want to solve this problem...
 
We need to get rid of teenagers.
 

·
MOTM Sept 2014
Joined
·
8,492 Posts
"Nice" doesn't mean much to me in this context. What does nice even mean? Like not a dick? Sure I like that. I don't want to date a guy who kicks puppies and is rude to my mother. But like, almost nobody does that. So.

I know lots of nice guys who I both like and dislike. Doesn't seem to be a significant factor with regards to attraction barring any puppy kicking or emotional abuse. There are more important/interesting factors to consider.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,417 Posts
No one rejects niceness. Absolutely no one. But it doesn't mean they want to date a person who just has "nice" going for him. What else are you beside nice?

And then they complain that girls date assholes. There is no evidence to back it up. It's like "oh that girl isn't dating a nice guy like me. He's with that guy, he has to be an asshole!!!" All the while, the other guy must be as nice as he is.

It's just pathetic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,365 Posts
Behind every actionable character trait lies underlying motivation. Both known and unknown.

You can be a good, decent human being and still not be nice per se. The inverse is also true.

If you can answer the question of "why are you being nice?" Define the structure in which it is carried out and identify the core motivation for it and relegate it to either an honest genuine character trait or one born out of deceit and manipulation in order to paint a persona unlike the core self that is seeking a fundamentally dishonest course of action or future goal. One can quite easily then figure out if the gender they are attracted to would be accepting of them or reject them.

Human beings are quite remarkable in that even though they can't define it well most well adjusted people can root out dishonest character traits quite successfully.

[Here I use the dictionary.com definition of nice. Nice | Define Nice at Dictionary.com . Namely the first two, which interestingly one could correlate the agreeable aspect of niceness to the big 5 personality trait of agreeableness to a degree. Which would make sense since a higher percentile of Agreeableness as a trait would lead to character traits that could be considered niceness].


Jesus christ this is stupid. We all do this, how many times has the average man pays more attention to someone who looks better while neglecting someone who is kinder and would treat them better?

The origin of this comes from guys - namely in high school - observing that guys who don't treat other guys well, and might be outright bullies, are often successful with girls. That is because the girls are judging whether the guy is nice based on whether he is nice to them, because their dumb teenagers, and men don't fair any better, men that age (and sometimes older) aren't even emotionally equipped to judge a woman as a person, jumping back and forth between "all women are good & innocent" idealization and "all women are self serving bitches" misogyny long before being able to make a value judgement per individual, because they are too, dumb teenagers.

So the obvious conclusion is, if you want to solve this problem...
 
We need to get rid of teenagers.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
748 Posts
It depends.. If I sense there is something behind you being nice, I will not like it and see it as deceitful...

I had a friend once, and he was always really nice.. Turns out he wanted to date me, my mom though he was a creep and at the time he was best friends with my boyfriend.
 
1 - 20 of 73 Posts
Top