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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So I found myself in this situation: I really like male barista in a cafe where I usually get the coffee 1-2 times a week. I realized he smiles at me much more than he has to (in comparison to other customers), we've made deep eye contact few time. The last time he gave me such a beautiful smile while looking into my eyes :) There is apparently chemistry between us, and I would like to know him better as a person.
I did a small research (I asked few people I know about him) and through known acquaintances I received his facebook and instagram, so I know a bit more about him (his name, age, where does he live).
I've seen him only three times in the last week and only five times in total. The thing is - I don't know his shifts, so I don't know when I can meet him again in that cafe (I really cant visit this cafe everyday :D). The second thing is - he is obviously a bit shy, probably I make him nervous (his hand was a bit shaking while he was handing me a cup, he confused my order a bit etc.) and he is younger than me.

What would you suggest? Do I have to visit this cafe again and again, smile at him and wait if he approaches me?
Do I have to approach him? If yes, how? Or just wait? Something else?
 

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If you like the shy types go for it. Better to do it than live with the regret of not doing.

Otherwise there will more googly looks, more butterflies, and more of everything you experienced with other suitors. Suitors potentially more fitting to your character.
 
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Tantalizing post, but depending on his age, perhaps you intimidate him. You definitely make him nervous. Older women have their stuff together (or at least they look like it)
There are many options to take; however, being completely passive may not net in a result to your fancy. The people above me have suggested a very proactive approach, which could work. At the very least, perhaps you should solve the information inequity? You likely know more about him than he does about you. He might not know you are single, that you find him interesting, or that he has a chance. All of which might be solved if you drop him your Facebook- provided update your page.
 

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So I found myself in this situation: I really like male barista in a cafe where I usually get the coffee 1-2 times a week. I realized he smiles at me much more than he has to, we make deep eye contact few times, the last time he gave me such a great smile while looking into my eyes :) There is apparently chemistry between us, and I would like to know him better as a person.
I did a small research through known acquaintances I received his facebook and instagram, so I know a bit more about him (his name, age, where does he live).
I saw him only three times in the last week. The thing is - I don't know his shifts, so I don't know when I can meet him again in that cafe (I really cant visit this cafe everyday :D). The second thing is - he is obviously a bit shy and he is younger than me.

What would you suggest? Do I have to visit this cafe again and again, smile at him and wait if he approaches me?
Do I have to approach him? If yes, how? Or just wait? Something else?
OMG, I'm an INFJ too and I am definitely EXTREMELY shy about approaching people. I am terrified of being rejected, terrified of coming across as awkward, terrified of fucking everything up... so I think I definitely know how you feel. But unfortunately, you'll have to act (if you really want to get closer to the dude).

If you're really determined to get to know the guy, just go to the bar at the exact time and day you went the last occasion you saw him there. He'll probably be there again. Approach him with light expectations, like someone who is just trying to start a friendship (this will make everything easier for you in the beginning). See how things develop from there, how he responds to you and if he gives positive signs, just ask him out on a date. If you're feeling very insecure, you don't have to be ultra straightforward in the beginning.
 

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Adding to what Aiwass said, even if things don’t line up to your expectations, it’s not an automatic failure. Some things take time, especially the good things.

I’ve slept with two older (8+ yrs) women, and am currently chatting with one a several months older (who actually had the nerve to tell me she was older HAH)! So your age might not even be the factor you think it could be. You should mention it at some point though.
 

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where I usually get the coffee 1-2 times a week.
(I really cant visit this cafe everyday :D).
given the first quote, i'm not sure where the issue is as far as encountering him.

on the what-do part of your post, some thoughts:

- do you have to 'get the coffee' (? a work thing?) from there? if so, plan ahead for whether a 'no thanks' will make it awkward enough to mess up other parts of your life. such as whatever it is in your life that has you 'getting the coffee' a few times a week.

- same thing, only from his pov. you maybe don't have to go to that coffee shop, but he probably does. it's where he earns his rent money most probably.

idk. i would personally never hit on anyone where they work. [i never hit on people anyway, actually :pbut if i did . . . ]. work is just too close to the realities of people's lives. at the very least i'd make sure there was a definite some-kind-of-something already in place before doing it - well beyond eye-contact and intimations of 'chemistry'. but then i'm an intj. typically, we approach relationships at about the speed of a stalled glacier.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Why go through all this bullshit? Social media stalking is creepy. Just ask him out next time you see him. Of course you don't "have to," but do you want a date or not? Do you want to play games or not? Do you want to keep smiling at each other and doing nothing and over-thinking this or not?
Yeah, I agree with you, I'm also not a fan of social media but it can be helpful for us - shy people - sometimes :) thanks for the encouragement :)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Tantalizing post, but depending on his age, perhaps you intimidate him. You definitely make him nervous. Older women have their stuff together (or at least they look like it)
There are many options to take; however, being completely passive may not net in a result to your fancy. The people above me have suggested a very proactive approach, which could work. At the very least, perhaps you should solve the information inequity? You likely know more about him than he does about you. He might not know you are single, that you find him interesting, or that he has a chance. All of which might be solved if you drop him your Facebook- provided update your page.
But this is the last thing I want - to intimidate him. He is really young, be he looks older. On the other hand, I look younger (people regularly think I'm 25 or 26) but he can obviously see that I'm older than him and I also appear much more confident than most of the girls in his age. I remember very well when I was old as he is what I thought of men his age (that they are too inexperienced and shy :) That's why I think I cannot approach him in a way that it looks like romantic interest (though I'm very attracted to him and I feel like everyone can see it :), but in a very friendly way.
Anyway, you gave me some good remarks - e.g. he can't know if I'm single. Uhh, I have to think about the best way yet.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
OMG, I'm an INFJ too and I am definitely EXTREMELY shy about approaching people. I am terrified of being rejected, terrified of coming across as awkward, terrified of fucking everything up... so I think I definitely know how you feel. But unfortunately, you'll have to act (if you really want to get closer to the dude).

If you're really determined to get to know the guy, just go to the bar at the exact time and day you went the last occasion you saw him there. He'll probably be there again. Approach him with light expectations, like someone who is just trying to start a friendship (this will make everything easier for you in the beginning). See how things develop from there, how he responds to you and if he gives positive signs, just ask him out on a date. If you're feeling very insecure, you don't have to be ultra straightforward in the beginning.
Haha, yeah, exactly.
Thank you for the helpful advices! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
My friend told me that this guy (barista) gives private English lessons (we are not native speakers) and she sent me his "teacher's profile". It's funny because for the last 2 months I have been thinking about taking English lessons because I need to improve it. Is it really a stupid idea to contact him in this matter? It could be the way to know him better, also...
 

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Is it really a stupid idea to contact him in this matter? It could be the way to know him better, also...
It's stupid and also creepy to try to get to know him better in this way. I used to be a tutor, and if anyone had signed up because they had a crush on me, UGH. You already have an opportunity to approach him. Why play games?

As for the age difference, I think it's irrelevant per se. Eventually it could make a difference if things start to get serious (e.g., if he wants to go to university in another city, and you're already settled where you are). But even people of the same age face similar challenges.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
It's stupid and also creepy to try to get to know him better in this way. I used to be a tutor, and if anyone had signed up because they had a crush on me, UGH. You already have an opportunity to approach him. Why play games?

As for the age difference, I think it's irrelevant per se. Eventually it could make a difference if things start to get serious (e.g., if he wants to go to university in another city, and you're already settled where you are). But even people of the same age face similar challenges.
Yeah, you are right, it would be really strange.
For me the age difference doesnt mean much, because from my experience the age is not everything. But there are people who say things like I scare him because I'm much older etc...
 

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Yeah, you are right, it would be really strange.
For me the age difference doesnt mean much, because from my experience the age is not everything. But there are people who say things like I scare him because I'm much older etc...
For reference, I'm 25, and every 30+ woman intimidates me a bit. I don't know your relationship history, but the people I'm thinking about spent their 30 years working on themselves, so they're comfortable in their own skin and present themselves that way. Just how it is, you have ~25% more life experience than him so it'll reflect in your confidence level, but it doesn't mean you aren't compatible or anything. From the little cues you reported about him, yes, it's quite clear he does not view you as an equal, so letting him know more about you could help ease that gap.

As for the tutor thing. I think it could be fun. Could get a little awkward if he doesn't understand how you found out about it, but I could see it going okay if you let him know you found out about his name, and if you approached him in person to ask him about how that is like. <- not a conversation I envy having. Since you've reported how often you can see him maybe once every two days, I've worked out two possible plans of attack for comparison.

Plan 1, get tutored, takes ??? amount of time
1. Say hi, and get his name
2. Wait two days, which would be a reasonable amount of time to pass and it might be natural to have looked up someone on Facebook by then
3. Comment about his profile in person
4. Wait two days, a reasonable amount of time to pass by before digging into what they do for a living
5. Tell him you're interested in a tutoring session
6. Wait an indefinite amount of time until he starts to tutor you
7. Make him suffer lovey-heart-pullling feelings whilst he has to tutor you angry smiley face

Plan 2, say hi, takes one day
1. Say hi, and get his name near the end of his shift
2. Ask him if he has any plans afterward...
3. Which he does, people are busy beings. To which you can then leave him your number and tell him about a time you are free.
4. Profit, easy first date?

Do your best! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Haha, thank you for well done planning! :) Well, as I said, just the thought that I could intimidate him makes me upset. Anyway, I haven't seen him in a cafe since the last Friday, so who knows when he will be there again. I will have to be really brave to ask him about his plans after the shift. Ufff! I was also thinking to ask him which coffee he would recommend me, or simply ask him something to start conversation, to see his reaction.
Because the last time when I ordered coffee at him, he confused the order and I confused my client card - we both were smiling at each other but also very confused and it was difficult to think on what we have to do....

But yes, it's easier to approach him in a cafe (when he will be there and hopefully without the presence of the other baristas..).
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Btw @secondpassing - you have experiences with older women - do you have some tip what I could do to make him less nervous? Or, contrary, what I should not do at all?
 

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Btw @secondpassing - you have experiences with older women - do you have some tip what I could do to make him less nervous? Or, contrary, what I should not do at all?
I'm friends with people of all ages. I'm sorry if I made anyone think I have a lot of experience in the matter '-' I have no idea what it looks like from the other end, so nothing specific to advise you in this regard. Conversation is a way to get closer to people, but you already knew that.

Well he is a barista... maybe he likes coffee? Pretty safe subject right? He might have a favorite origin or brew method or might be trying to earn money for some pursuit as a barista.
 

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Maybe you could just give him a compliment some time.

You don't know him but you are attracted to him because of his looks, his smile or whatever--so next time you're in line getting coffee tell him you really like his whatever it is you like about him (smile, eyes etc.)

You could give him your phone number.

He might not be interested, but at least this way you're letting him know you noticed him and are interested in him. Plus, hopefully it wouldn't be intrusive, as I didn't really think of Lilysocks points before, but it is where he works and if you come in there a lot you want to keep it natural and friendly, as a compliment.

Also, my experience as an "older lady" is that some young guys are interested in women who are older than them for some reason (I honestly did not think that was gonna happen). I don't believe in dating anyone who's brain isn't done developing--so that means someone would have to be at least 25-30 or else I'd feel like I was messing with a kid. But some younger men are still attracted to women who are older than them, and that's fine--just not my thing. I would feel like I was doing some disservice to them.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Maybe you could just give him a compliment some time.

You don't know him but you are attracted to him because of his looks, his smile or whatever--so next time you're in line getting coffee tell him you really like his whatever it is you like about him (smile, eyes etc.)

You could give him your phone number.

He might not be interested, but at least this way you're letting him know you noticed him and are interested in him. Plus, hopefully it wouldn't be intrusive, as I didn't really think of Lilysocks points before, but it is where he works and if you come in there a lot you want to keep it natural and friendly, as a compliment.

Also, my experience as an "older lady" is that some young guys are interested in women who are older than them for some reason (I honestly did not think that was gonna happen). I don't believe in dating anyone who's brain isn't done developing--so that means someone would have to be at least 25-30 or else I'd feel like I was messing with a kid. But some younger men are still attracted to women who are older than them, and that's fine--just not my thing. I would feel like I was doing some disservice to them.
I was thinking if giving him my phone number isn't too straightforward (?) There are always other baristas (one or two) around him. I could do it discreetly, write my number on the napkin with "for (his name)", but...uhh, I really don't know.

And about his age - well, he is 21. I was quite surprised when I found out how old he is, because I thought he must be 25 or so. But he behaves as balanced and reasonable person in general, which is interesting in relation to his age and that's why I'm attracted to him. All my life I've been attracted to men who are "wise" and balanced, who have the calm aura around them, and that is mostly older men. And now, this almost "kid".

But as you say, I don't know much about him, his motives, the roots of his possible attraction to me. I still have to find out :)
 
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