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For some reason, I want to post this as anonymous and write really illiterately..... *Swallow*..

The truth is: I self-harmed again today, for the first time in three months. I just couldn't stop myself this time.

When I was little, something bad happened I've never been able to speak about. I've been pretty isolated my whole life, for various reasons. Later I was in a bad relationship with a guy who'd already been bullying me for years. I guess that all amounted to anger problems. I used to SH every day, it was what I looked forward to when I got back home in the evening.

Oh also, I recently had a break-up, my first real, good relationship, and I seemed to cope really well.... unnaturally well... I saw him the other day for the last time, and we danced, even.. Even after knowing I'd never see him again and feeling utterly dead, I've still managed to smile. His new girlfriend (who he cheated on me with) keeps talking innocently to me about their plans together etc.

Oh, and I used to be schizophrenic.

I'm sorry, this is all coming out in a mess.... I know it's nothing to complain about, but I just feel so fucked up inside. And I really don't want my SH problem to get out of control again, I keep thinking about death. So should I see a psychiatrist or just chin up like usual? Thanks so much if you've got this far reading, and sorry to have gone on about myself! But I'd be so grateful for any advice or anything you could say, I just don't think I can cope with this anymore. Thank you for reading, anyway.
 

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seeing a psychologist and or a psychiatrist would be an excellent idea Cinnamon. "Chin up" unfortunately is not going to solve the problems as they will just resurface again. I'm guessing that the situation that you have not been able to speak about may have something to do with what you are going through. If you start feeling suicidal please call the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 UK local or 08457 90 91 92 UK minicom
 

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For some reason, I want to post this as anonymous and write really illiterately..... *Swallow*..

The truth is: I self-harmed again today, for the first time in three months. I just couldn't stop myself this time.

When I was little, something bad happened I've never been able to speak about. I've been pretty isolated my whole life, for various reasons. Later I was in a bad relationship with a guy who'd already been bullying me for years. I guess that all amounted to anger problems. I used to SH every day, it was what I looked forward to when I got back home in the evening.

Oh also, I recently had a break-up, my first real, good relationship, and I seemed to cope really well.... unnaturally well... I saw him the other day for the last time, and we danced, even.. Even after knowing I'd never see him again and feeling utterly dead, I've still managed to smile. His new girlfriend (who he cheated on me with) keeps talking innocently to me about their plans together etc.

Oh, and I used to be schizophrenic.

I'm sorry, this is all coming out in a mess.... I know it's nothing to complain about, but I just feel so fucked up inside. And I really don't want my SH problem to get out of control again, I keep thinking about death. So should I see a psychiatrist or just chin up like usual? Thanks so much if you've got this far reading, and sorry to have gone on about myself! But I'd be so grateful for any advice or anything you could say, I just don't think I can cope with this anymore. Thank you for reading, anyway.

Cinnamon, when I was a child something really bad happened to me too. I know how scary it is to talk about these bad things that happen to us. But once you open up and speak about what happened to you something magical happens. After you speak about what happened long enough what happened to you don't feel so scary anymore. And you will feel better overall.

I agree that you need to find a therapist that will listen to you. You can always open up to us on here too. I am an old woman of 46 but have experenced and worked through really bad things that happened to me. If you feel like reaching out feel free to send me a private message.
 

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I'm going to be blunt: you're fucked up. You need to see professionals and whatever you do, don't get regression therapy that is non-hypnotic; you're just generating horrible things that never happened. I feel sorry for you, and I want you to get better.
 

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Your chin may be up but the ocean tides will rise one day and the water will soon creep down the very chords of your neck until you drown.

Call out to a lifeguard. Scream at the top of your lungs for help. Someone will hear you and throw out a rescue tube to help you escape the treacherous waves which weaken your being. But you need to tell someone, because this is a battle much better fought with someone by your side.

I wish you the best. You're a strong swimmer and I know you can make it. :wink:
 
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Generally speaking, if you have to ask, you probably do.
 

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*hugs*

I know a lot about self-harm, and I know how hard it is to stop.

But you've managed not to do it for three months, and you can do it again!
Yes, you've had a little setback, but it's really important that you don't give up and let it escalate.
Then the problem will get worse, up to the point where it gets really, really dangerous.

You shouldn't have to cope with your problems all alone, you need to get some help.
The sooner the better. I think you know that.
You should call someone right away, just to have someone to talk to, it can be dangerous to be all alone with your thoughts like that.

And you need to stop surrounding yourself with people that keeps dragging you down; honestly, they seem like a bunch of douchebags.
You deserve better!

Now, here some advise if you feel like harming yourself:

Get outside in public! I know you'd rather be alone, but being around other people will prevent you from harming yourself and distract you from your dark thoughts. You don't have to socialize with anyone, you can sit down alone in a café and observe other people and have someting to drink (not alcohol, it only makes things worse!).

Do something else to stimulate your senses. Put your hands in icecold water. Cuddle with a stuffed toy. Let your hands touch different surfaces and consentrate as much as you can on the sensations.

Draw on yourself. Maybe with a red marker.

Do someting physical. Run. Clean your room/apartment. Re-arrange your furniture. Find something to hit (not yourself or other people, and not hard or sharp surfaces).

Listen to REALLY loud music.

Listen to calm, soothing music while being wrapped in a blanket. Comfort yourself in any way you can.

Write down what you feel. Every dark, ugly thing. You can destroy it afterwards, the point is to just get it out.

Watch/read something you really like. Distract yourself in any way you can.

Here's a page with more suggestions:

154 Things To Do Instead of Self-Injury

And again - please get help! You can beat this, but not alone!
*more hugs*
 

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You probably should, talk to someone. If nothing else it will give you peace mind knowing you have professional opinion about it. I know that fucked up inside feeling all too well. You might have slipped up, but you don't have to quit trying. You can overcome the SH. If you want to spill it, feel free to message me, I may be the best at advice, but no matter what I won't think ill of you and it might help to let it out to someone. *Hugs*
 

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For some reason, I want to post this as anonymous and write really illiterately..... *Swallow*..

The truth is: I self-harmed again today, for the first time in three months. I just couldn't stop myself this time.

When I was little, something bad happened I've never been able to speak about. I've been pretty isolated my whole life, for various reasons. Later I was in a bad relationship with a guy who'd already been bullying me for years. I guess that all amounted to anger problems. I used to SH every day, it was what I looked forward to when I got back home in the evening.

Oh also, I recently had a break-up, my first real, good relationship, and I seemed to cope really well.... unnaturally well... I saw him the other day for the last time, and we danced, even.. Even after knowing I'd never see him again and feeling utterly dead, I've still managed to smile. His new girlfriend (who he cheated on me with) keeps talking innocently to me about their plans together etc.

Oh, and I used to be schizophrenic.

I'm sorry, this is all coming out in a mess.... I know it's nothing to complain about, but I just feel so fucked up inside. And I really don't want my SH problem to get out of control again, I keep thinking about death. So should I see a psychiatrist or just chin up like usual? Thanks so much if you've got this far reading, and sorry to have gone on about myself! But I'd be so grateful for any advice or anything you could say, I just don't think I can cope with this anymore. Thank you for reading, anyway.
no you didn't "used to be schizophrenic" because schizophrenia can't be cured. sniff test failed.
 

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no you didn't "used to be schizophrenic" because schizophrenia can't be cured. sniff test failed.
Full blown schizophrenia cannot be cured, but mild schizophrenic symptoms early in life(<22) may turn out to be nothing, in the long run. Yes, you would still want to be watchful but if the symptoms regress to non-existence then they very well could stay that way.
 

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Peanut Brittle, I like the analogy. It's true, you're right. :) Blue Butterfly, I'd really like to belive that. Can I ask you how you managed to tell people what happened? How did you push away the part of you that won't allow it? It's very inspirational that you did. You must be strong. GrannyWeatherwax, thanks for the ideas, I'll definitely use them. And Dear Sigmund, for the numbers. And everyone, thank you so much. I feel a lot more positive about being strong with this, now, and I wasn't really expecting anyone to reply. It means a lot that you bothered to. So thanks. :)
 

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Cinnamon, it took me a very long time to be able to tell anyone what happened to me. A very very long time felt like forever. And I could not tell everything that happened to me right off. I started off with just little bits and pieces. I found someone that cared and that was patient and I talked very little but I did talk. Let your own internal self guide you on how much to share and when.

By admitting that something bad happened happed to you is a big step forward. It took me a long time to even go that far. You next step could be saying something that causes you some stress but not overwhelmed you. Then you could talk about that until it feels not so stressful. Then you can talk about a little bit more of what happened. And keep going deeper and before you know it the memory will have less and less power to hurt you. Believe me it does reduce the power of the memories.

If you have a trusted therapist you can tell that person. They are trained to handle hearing about these kind of things. Do you have anyone else that you feel comfortable telling these things? You could try telling me if you would like too. The good thing about on here is that we both are anonymous so there is no way I could ever hurt you. If you want to talk to me just send me a private message. If you read some of my post you will see that I have already been to hell and back.
 

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Thank you. Yeah, it's quite a big thing for me even to admit to myself something ever happened, I think this is actually the first time I said it in so many words. Let alone the details. There was someone.. but I missed the chance. Wow, I've read some of your posts. You've been through a lot. =( I really admire (and appreciate) the way you can talk about it. Right now, I'm not ready to. Taking steps is a good idea, though; I'm trying to do that. One day, maybe I will talk to you about it, (thanks!) if that's still ok.
 

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Full blown schizophrenia cannot be cured, but mild schizophrenic symptoms early in life(<22) may turn out to be nothing, in the long run. Yes, you would still want to be watchful but if the symptoms regress to non-existence then they very well could stay that way.
i repeat, sniff test failed.
 

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i repeat, sniff test failed.
Schizophrenia is often attributed to general psychosis that can be caused by many curable things, true schizophrenia is rare and the OP in all likelihood does not have schizophrenia. My statement rings true, schizophrenic like symptoms can be caused from anything a metabolic disorder, to epilepsy, to bipolar, to syphilis, to a system-wide infection, to alcohol withdraw.
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Cinnamon, I'm glad to hear you are feeling bit more positive now. Talking helps, evening writing helps lift the weight. Just take your time, and don't be afraid to seek professional help. :happy:
 

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Thank you. Yeah, it's quite a big thing for me even to admit to myself something ever happened, I think this is actually the first time I said it in so many words. Let alone the details. There was someone.. but I missed the chance. Wow, I've read some of your posts. You've been through a lot. =( I really admire (and appreciate) the way you can talk about it. Right now, I'm not ready to. Taking steps is a good idea, though; I'm trying to do that. One day, maybe I will talk to you about it, (thanks!) if that's still ok.

Cinnamon, just take it slow. If you don't feel like talking about then don't talk about it. Go as slow or as fast as you want to. The memories will keep surfacing until you have faced them completely so you will have plenty of time to heal them.

And just a not on telling others. A major mistake I made while I was just starting to heal was that opened up to people that were not so kind and it make it worse. Make sure when you do open up it is to people that will be kind and gentle with you. Open up slowly and watch their response. The healing will come. It takes time.
 
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