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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
so, I'm an ESFJ. My best friend is an INFJ.

I can easily understand her, more than she knows.
But I've been seeing a lot of posts from INFJs saying that they felt like nobody really 'got' them. The thing is, would an INFJ feel like nobody understands them even if there was somebody really close to them who knew them well?

Do people feel this way because really nobody understands them, or do they feel this way in any situation?

What I mean to say is, is this feeling situational or dispositional?
 

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Needing to be understood is a common enough need.
I no longer much care about being understood, but for as long as it was an issue, it was a major one.
Often, my wife, when asked if she understands, says she does.
Often, I check her understanding, and it turns out she didn't understand at all.
If my own wife, believing she understands, does not, then it would seem that understanding is quite rare.
The phrase: "Know what I mean?" is very common.
Everyone says "yes", but never checks to be sure.
As long as you know what you mean, you have done your bit.
Whether or not anybody else does their bit, is beyond your control.
 

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It is with most people. I would say that close friends more so get me. So I can tell by the amount of time I want to spend with them maybe. So it is most people I see each day.
 
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I feel like I can be understood if people try hard enough and we have *something* in common. I feel understood by my INFJ boyfriend, my ISFP best friend, and I used to feel understood by an ex-friend who was an INFP. I feel like other people can understand aspects of me, too, to different degrees. I feel, towards the end of my time with her, that one of my ex-therapists understood me pretty well. I do think I am more difficult to understand than most people for a variety of reasons, but I generally don't suffer from feeling chronically misunderstood.
 

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I have an ex-girlfriend I was very close with, we dated for a couple years and spent every waking moment together. It's common to have the misconception of thinking you understand someone, only to find out you really don't understand them at all. She was forever under the impression that I was a purely logical, unemotional person because I'm very reserved, never really understanding the raging torrent of emotion under the surface.

I think it's more difficult in a lot of situations for introverts, especially INFJs, because so much lurks beneath the surface that we don't ever show people.
 

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to be understood means that you could dump the weight of the world on the understand-er and they'll stay with you because they can make you feel like its okay.
 

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"Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson (Self Reliance)
Wow, with perfection he finds a quote.
 

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"I've always rejected being understood. To be understood is to prostitute oneself. I prefer to be taken seriously for what I'm not, remaining humanly unknown, with naturalness and all due respect"
— Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
 

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Being understood for me is like two people getting into separate elevators of a 20 story building and pressing the exact same floor button without discussing it first.
 

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I am the "understander", the "listener", but I am never understood to be who I am, they see the outer layers, or what I allow them to see, even though I may strip my inner self bare to the world, people would still not understand what I am. I am somewhat of an infamous character in my old highschool, for the way I'd take tiny insults about family and friends and explode, but smile and shake my head at the bigger insults aimed at me, I was called a "Psycho", "Nutter", I was "Dangerous".

I'm not.

They just didn't know how much I put myself out for the ones I hold close to my heart.

They didn't know such a reserved person could bite so hard, scratch so deep.

Under the surface is a monster, but under that, I've a heart big enough to love people despite their flaws, no matter how they act, as long as they are good people inside.

The surface is a thin layer of logic, under that is the raging torrents of anger and hatred, below that are the tranquil depths of understanding and love.

Nobody has understood me for who I am yet.

I doubt any who meet me will.

But I understand.

I have to.
 

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INFJ males seem to be misunderstood. INTPs understand them and ESFJs don't. INFJ males seem to have an even harder time sometimes than INTPs, all things being equal. However, things are not equal.
You just made my head hurt >.<;

Besides, I don't feel I have a "Hard time" being misunderstood, I'm content to let people believe I am what they think I am.
 

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My problem is I think people know me to where I really believe they know me and then I find out they don't and its crushing. for example I am 21 and how bout one of my 2 thesis professors (full blown DR who is double my age) who I have been working with (1 on1)for over a year and have had many classes with said to me in her office 2 weeks ago. "I'm complicated" I acted like it was no big deal but I cried, b/c I thought she knew me well & understood me. My ex-best-friend who knew me for 9years constantly said up to the end I always surprise him. things like this make me dream of places where my professors and such could see me in another setting (like at a basketball game,with my friends)and maybe they would understand me better.
Idk why I want somebody to understand me other than I feel I understand many people (and work really hard to make sure I do) and just want it reciprocated.

Yes I always feel like no body understands me and I think INFJs realize this because 1.) we are so rare 2.) we really know ourselves well so we know when somebody really does not understand us (other personalities maybe this is not as true) .
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
My problem is I think people know me to where I really believe they know me and then I find out they don't and its crushing. for example I am 21 and how bout one of my 2 thesis professors (full blown DR who is double my age) who I have been working with (1 on1)for over a year and have had many classes with said to me in her office 2 weeks ago. "I'm complicated" I acted like it was no big deal but I cried, b/c I thought she knew me well & understood me. My ex-best-friend who knew me for 9years constantly said up to the end I always surprise him. things like this make me dream of places where my professors and such could see me in another setting (like at a basketball game,with my friends)and maybe they would understand me better.
Idk why I want somebody to understand me other than I feel I understand many people (and work really hard to make sure I do) and just want it reciprocated.

Yes I always feel like no body understands me and I think INFJs realize this because 1.) we are so rare 2.) we really know ourselves well so we know when somebody really does not understand us (other personalities maybe this is not as true) .
this is the most useful post so far, thanks! Did you deliberately open up to the people who you thought knew you, or did they just know? Sorry if it's a vague question...
 

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The only way you can know me well is to spend a considerable time around me. Not that I'm hidden or anything but I only speak when I have something relevant to say. So basically you have to see how I react to virtually every situation to get a grasp.
 

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I am the "understander", the "listener", but I am never understood to be who I am, they see the outer layers, or what I allow them to see, even though I may strip my inner self bare to the world, people would still not understand what I am. I am somewhat of an infamous character in my old highschool, for the way I'd take tiny insults about family and friends and explode, but smile and shake my head at the bigger insults aimed at me, I was called a "Psycho", "Nutter", I was "Dangerous".

I'm not.

They just didn't know how much I put myself out for the ones I hold close to my heart.

They didn't know such a reserved person could bite so hard, scratch so deep.

Under the surface is a monster, but under that, I've a heart big enough to love people despite their flaws, no matter how they act, as long as they are good people inside.

The surface is a thin layer of logic, under that is the raging torrents of anger and hatred, below that are the tranquil depths of understanding and love.

Nobody has understood me for who I am yet.

I doubt any who meet me will.

But I understand.

I have to.
how eloquent, this really hit home for me. one-hundred percent how i feel and view myself, but i have never put it into words or organized thought.
 

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I generally assume people don't quite understand me, even those I'm closest with, and therefore I don't get as upset when people don't.

But yes, we can be understood by some individuals. I have a very close ENFJ friend who just gets me, 100%. Initially I thought it was maybe impossible and just a fluke, but we're really on the same wavelength in life. I very quickly realised I should stop doubting her understanding and just be happy to have found her.
 
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