[FourLittleMonkeys]

I'm so amazed by all this personality typing because it's explained things about myself that I've never found explainable before. And in a way...it's given me permission to accept those parts of myself and just own them because now I have the reason that "it's just who I am."

I have a couple questions for you because I've noticed some things in my life and I wonder if other's have noticed the same thing.

1. Do you realize, even if it's just subconsciously, that someone is not being honest with you?

2. Are you very forgiving but when you lose trust in someone, is it very easy to cut that person out of your life?

I'll give you my story to explain myself:

My ex-husband and I met when I was 18, very young and naive. He was several years older than me. I don't know what personality he is but I sometimes wonder if he married me because he thought I would be extremely gullible and easy to fool. He was a habitual liar but I didn't realize that for several years.

In the beginning of our relationship, there were occasionally some inconsistencies but he always had a good explanation and I was very trusting. I can't imagine cheating on anyone and so I think I expected the same loyalty to be returned to me. We were married seven years before I started to think something was wrong. I'm talking about a gut-level knowledge. Unexplainable with logic but something that I was certain of in my soul. Later I realized that it was his eyes. I had seen the guilt and dishonesty. But all I knew at the time was that something was wrong and I had to find out. I finally did a search on his computer and found overwhelming evidence of his affairs. I was devestated but confronted him bravely. He denied everything but I didn't believe him and I kept after him until he admitted to some affairs. I'm quite certain that he has never admitted to all of them to me. I lost all trust and thought in my heart that we would have to divorce. We had little children and I was heartsick. BUT...did I say he's a very good liar? He cried and apologized and told me how much he wanted to change, etc., etc., etc. AND...I was torn. I wanted to believe that he could be better than he was, that he could have a chance to be redeemed, that he wasn't destined to be this. I think sometimes that I saw him as he could have been, rather than as he was.

I set down my rules. Absolutely, he had to change. He would have to go to counseling. He couldn't continue in this life. IF HE DID...I would be gone. But I would give him the chance to start over, to regain my trust. I think now, looking back, that he saw this as a sign of weakness in me. But it was actually incredible strength. I knew what I was agreeing to. I know how hard this would be. I knew how heartbroken I was. But I was making a conscious choice to deny my own desire to scream and cry and be heartbroken for the sake of us and the family and our continued harmony.

Over the next three years, I gave him back my trust. I completely trusted him again but it was a "wise" trust. I didn't believe that a marriage could survive without trust and so when I saw that he was going to counseling and appeared to be making every effort to change, I gave him my trust, but I realized that he could make a decision to cheat and that I would then have a decision to make. About six months before the end (and, of course, there is an end to this story) I began to feel within my soul that something was wrong but this time, it was focused inward. I began to feel that I was going to lose him and wondered if he was going to die. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was depressed. I had such a heavy feeling in my soul, my gut, for six months and it got worse instead of better. I was CERTAIN that I was going to lose him. I went through our finances, trying to figure out how I could support the kids on just my salary. I was heartbroken. I grieved him. And, perhaps most tellingly of all...I didn't want to have sex with him. Looking back at all this, I realize I KNEW. Almost to the day that I started having this feeling in my gut was the time he says he started the affair.

This time, it was totally over for me. There was no going back. But he seemed to think I'd take him back. I can only assume it was because I had done this once before. But there was absolutely no way I could ever trust him again: he had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't. It was over for me and, although my heart was broken, I never wavered from my decision once made. It was the right decision.

SO, I'm thinking that INFJ's are capable of much forgiveness and second chances, but if you cross us beyond a certain point, it's over for us and you'll never get us again. Sorry it's such a long story but just wondering if anyone else has noticed anything similar.

 

[strafen]

I think we would probably sense it but we won't register it in as we will always ALWAYS give the person the benefit of the doubt. Though if 1 + 1 equals 2 and it is anything close to blatantly obvious then yes....we will see it.

 

[jd_]

I generally see through deceptions, I might not know it is "cheating" but I can tell when people are acting "off"... very simple things, could be a word choice, voice inflection, body language... And I usually won't ask them directly but I can often instinctively draw at what is wrong listening for cues, dropped hints, etc.

 

[Lightlilly]

If I can see your face straight in front of me, all your facial signals, hear your tone of voice, any variances/pauses, the way your eyes move

it is impossible to lie to my face I will instantly sense it and you will know I can tell you are lying due to my facial expressions following your words.

I don't know if that's the same for all INFJs but that's me
I'm going to say that I would be able to tell before they cheat,
I'll be able to tell when he is no longer in real committed love with me to which I would either try to bring it back
but if not then I'd probably leave him

before he turns to someone else

because I can't love someone who doesn't love me

 

[Melanthe]

I know they are cheating, but then want to believe I'm just overly paranoid. I need proof, absolute proof that they are lying and cheating. So... after some time of telling myself I'm just insecure and crazy, I start asking them. Then I work REALLY hard to believe them. Eventually, though, I can't, and I begin the search for proof.

I find the proof, then I'm out of there.

Until I have absolute proof, though, I put myself through hell trying to believe them. I wouldn't ever want to leave someone I LOVE out of my own baseless insecurity, based on nothing more than a "hunch".

I'm trying to change this. The last guy I was getting to know lost me over this. And... it turns out my intuition was right. Luckily, this time, I trusted myself and made my moves to protect myself, regardless of evidence or proof. And I did it before I was emotionally invested.

I think I'm learning...!

 

[ohnoezitsjoez]

I would give benefit of the doubt for the most part. It takes a lot for me to give in to suspicion, though insecurity would have it bounce around my mind often.

If I am driven to the point of actual suspicion, though, I am prone to become a detective, and I would do some pretty unacceptable things. I am bad for passive aggressive tactics, trying to trap/test just to see. I have to fight back urges to break into email and follow from a distance. Definitely bad, and honestly ashamed I get like that.

Insecurity makes me defense from jump street, though. I would walk into a relationship assuming that she is eventually going to do something like this, so I default to a bad position to begin with. While my benefit of the doubt is strong, I still assume they aren't going to be loyal to me, so I essentially wait for them to leave me: first mentally, then emotionally, then physically. I am afraid that loyalty will have to be proven in order for me to trust. This is also bad position to start in.

I dont think I could leave the relationship before I got proof though.

 

[jd_]

I would give benefit of the doubt for the most part. It takes a lot for me to give in to suspicion, though insecurity would have it bounce around my mind often.

If I am driven to the point of actual suspicion, though, I am prone to become a detective, and I would do some pretty unacceptable things. I am bad for passive aggressive tactics, trying to trap/test just to see. I have to fight back urges to break into email and follow from a distance. Definitely bad, and honestly ashamed I get like that.

Insecurity makes me defense from jump street, though. I would walk into a relationship assuming that she is eventually going to do something like this, so I default to a bad position to begin with. While my benefit of the doubt is strong, I still assume they aren't going to be loyal to me, so I essentially wait for them to leave me: first mentally, then emotionally, then physically. I am afraid that loyalty will have to be proven in order for me to trust. This is also bad position to start in.

I dont think I could leave the relationship before I got proof though.

Definitely a hard temptation, especially when it is so easy if you know much about computing/networks.
But what happens when somebody leaves their email wide open...
I did this once using their computer... BAM email was wide open on the screen, and it was bad, caused the breakup.

 

[Arclight]

Once there was this girl.. Her and I were very warm for each other.. We even had sex.. I thought we would become a couple but she said "no".. When I asked "why?" she said "because you are too smart I wont be able to lie to you or get anything by you"
I was crushed.

This doesn't happen with just anyone.. If I am tuned into someone though, nothing get's by me. I am however a bit vulnerable if I don't want to know the truth.

 

[Symphi]

I haven't had any experiences with cheating thus far in my romantic endeavors, thank heavens.

I have had an experience of feeling "the end" of a relationship approaching though.

While dating an INTJ, I felt as if things were going quiet well. About three months into the adventure, he went home for about a week to see his family for Thanksgiving (they were about three hours away from where he lived). The next time I saw him, he was... less charismatic. Something was off in his demeanor and in his features, and I couldn't figure out if I had done something or what had happened. (He wasn't stupid enough to cheat; he knew I would literally punch him in the face and that, though I wouldn't take any action to ruin him, my friends would.)

Shortly afterwords, he stopped giving me affection. No hugs, kisses, cuddles, or words of affirmation.

Three months after that, he dumped me. I will never know his true reasons because he's a bit of a liar, but I told him that he'd been acting in such a way before finally cutting me loose. He denied it, saying he'd only been thinking about if for two weeks. I think I knew what he was going to do before he did, and felt it coming in the pit of my stomach.

 

[Susanna]

I just want to see the good in people. I too like you, don't see things in people that are not part of me. In the end though it seems I see things when ready and when they can be dealt with. The hardest thing is high standards in place for me by me and benefit of the doubt, slack etc for the people I love. Humanity I love as well which makes things hard when anyone else is involved.

 

[II Kung foO fight II]

Absolutely. It's something I've never been able to explain w/out coming off a little crazy.

 

[Ramysa]

I can totally feel it. And not just when cheated on but other stuff too. I can "smell" it. Even if it's something that I witness and doesn't affect me directly , I can still tell.

 

[Feelings]

intelligent infj intuition on ppl are really good, unless the infj doesn't care to read people, or unless their own biases cloud their judgment

 

[Hokahey]

Yes I knew. I even told my ex she was falling for the man she left me for weeks before she left me.