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I'm so amazed by all this personality typing because it's explained things about myself that I've never found explainable before. And in a way...it's given me permission to accept those parts of myself and just own them because now I have the reason that "it's just who I am."
I have a couple questions for you because I've noticed some things in my life and I wonder if other's have noticed the same thing.
1. Do you realize, even if it's just subconsciously, that someone is not being honest with you?
2. Are you very forgiving but when you lose trust in someone, is it very easy to cut that person out of your life?
I'll give you my story to explain myself:
My ex-husband and I met when I was 18, very young and naive. He was several years older than me. I don't know what personality he is but I sometimes wonder if he married me because he thought I would be extremely gullible and easy to fool. He was a habitual liar but I didn't realize that for several years.
In the beginning of our relationship, there were occasionally some inconsistencies but he always had a good explanation and I was very trusting. I can't imagine cheating on anyone and so I think I expected the same loyalty to be returned to me. We were married seven years before I started to think something was wrong. I'm talking about a gut-level knowledge. Unexplainable with logic but something that I was certain of in my soul. Later I realized that it was his eyes. I had seen the guilt and dishonesty. But all I knew at the time was that something was wrong and I had to find out. I finally did a search on his computer and found overwhelming evidence of his affairs. I was devestated but confronted him bravely. He denied everything but I didn't believe him and I kept after him until he admitted to some affairs. I'm quite certain that he has never admitted to all of them to me. I lost all trust and thought in my heart that we would have to divorce. We had little children and I was heartsick. BUT...did I say he's a very good liar? He cried and apologized and told me how much he wanted to change, etc., etc., etc. AND...I was torn. I wanted to believe that he could be better than he was, that he could have a chance to be redeemed, that he wasn't destined to be this. I think sometimes that I saw him as he could have been, rather than as he was.
I set down my rules. Absolutely, he had to change. He would have to go to counseling. He couldn't continue in this life. IF HE DID...I would be gone. But I would give him the chance to start over, to regain my trust. I think now, looking back, that he saw this as a sign of weakness in me. But it was actually incredible strength. I knew what I was agreeing to. I know how hard this would be. I knew how heartbroken I was. But I was making a conscious choice to deny my own desire to scream and cry and be heartbroken for the sake of us and the family and our continued harmony.
Over the next three years, I gave him back my trust. I completely trusted him again but it was a "wise" trust. I didn't believe that a marriage could survive without trust and so when I saw that he was going to counseling and appeared to be making every effort to change, I gave him my trust, but I realized that he could make a decision to cheat and that I would then have a decision to make. About six months before the end (and, of course, there is an end to this story) I began to feel within my soul that something was wrong but this time, it was focused inward. I began to feel that I was going to lose him and wondered if he was going to die. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was depressed. I had such a heavy feeling in my soul, my gut, for six months and it got worse instead of better. I was CERTAIN that I was going to lose him. I went through our finances, trying to figure out how I could support the kids on just my salary. I was heartbroken. I grieved him. And, perhaps most tellingly of all...I didn't want to have sex with him. Looking back at all this, I realize I KNEW. Almost to the day that I started having this feeling in my gut was the time he says he started the affair.
This time, it was totally over for me. There was no going back. But he seemed to think I'd take him back. I can only assume it was because I had done this once before. But there was absolutely no way I could ever trust him again: he had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't. It was over for me and, although my heart was broken, I never wavered from my decision once made. It was the right decision.
SO, I'm thinking that INFJ's are capable of much forgiveness and second chances, but if you cross us beyond a certain point, it's over for us and you'll never get us again. Sorry it's such a long story but just wondering if anyone else has noticed anything similar.
I have a couple questions for you because I've noticed some things in my life and I wonder if other's have noticed the same thing.
1. Do you realize, even if it's just subconsciously, that someone is not being honest with you?
2. Are you very forgiving but when you lose trust in someone, is it very easy to cut that person out of your life?
I'll give you my story to explain myself:
My ex-husband and I met when I was 18, very young and naive. He was several years older than me. I don't know what personality he is but I sometimes wonder if he married me because he thought I would be extremely gullible and easy to fool. He was a habitual liar but I didn't realize that for several years.
In the beginning of our relationship, there were occasionally some inconsistencies but he always had a good explanation and I was very trusting. I can't imagine cheating on anyone and so I think I expected the same loyalty to be returned to me. We were married seven years before I started to think something was wrong. I'm talking about a gut-level knowledge. Unexplainable with logic but something that I was certain of in my soul. Later I realized that it was his eyes. I had seen the guilt and dishonesty. But all I knew at the time was that something was wrong and I had to find out. I finally did a search on his computer and found overwhelming evidence of his affairs. I was devestated but confronted him bravely. He denied everything but I didn't believe him and I kept after him until he admitted to some affairs. I'm quite certain that he has never admitted to all of them to me. I lost all trust and thought in my heart that we would have to divorce. We had little children and I was heartsick. BUT...did I say he's a very good liar? He cried and apologized and told me how much he wanted to change, etc., etc., etc. AND...I was torn. I wanted to believe that he could be better than he was, that he could have a chance to be redeemed, that he wasn't destined to be this. I think sometimes that I saw him as he could have been, rather than as he was.
I set down my rules. Absolutely, he had to change. He would have to go to counseling. He couldn't continue in this life. IF HE DID...I would be gone. But I would give him the chance to start over, to regain my trust. I think now, looking back, that he saw this as a sign of weakness in me. But it was actually incredible strength. I knew what I was agreeing to. I know how hard this would be. I knew how heartbroken I was. But I was making a conscious choice to deny my own desire to scream and cry and be heartbroken for the sake of us and the family and our continued harmony.
Over the next three years, I gave him back my trust. I completely trusted him again but it was a "wise" trust. I didn't believe that a marriage could survive without trust and so when I saw that he was going to counseling and appeared to be making every effort to change, I gave him my trust, but I realized that he could make a decision to cheat and that I would then have a decision to make. About six months before the end (and, of course, there is an end to this story) I began to feel within my soul that something was wrong but this time, it was focused inward. I began to feel that I was going to lose him and wondered if he was going to die. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I was depressed. I had such a heavy feeling in my soul, my gut, for six months and it got worse instead of better. I was CERTAIN that I was going to lose him. I went through our finances, trying to figure out how I could support the kids on just my salary. I was heartbroken. I grieved him. And, perhaps most tellingly of all...I didn't want to have sex with him. Looking back at all this, I realize I KNEW. Almost to the day that I started having this feeling in my gut was the time he says he started the affair.
This time, it was totally over for me. There was no going back. But he seemed to think I'd take him back. I can only assume it was because I had done this once before. But there was absolutely no way I could ever trust him again: he had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't. It was over for me and, although my heart was broken, I never wavered from my decision once made. It was the right decision.
SO, I'm thinking that INFJ's are capable of much forgiveness and second chances, but if you cross us beyond a certain point, it's over for us and you'll never get us again. Sorry it's such a long story but just wondering if anyone else has noticed anything similar.