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Hi. Hell yes, we want relationships. We just don't know how to get from

"She's got (a) beautiful [ a) smile; b) hair; c) eyes; d) legs; e) *ss; f) rack; g) brain; h) all of the above]"

to

a conversation

to

a date

to a relationship.

Once we're IN one, we tend to burn out partners through sheer strength of our intensity.
However we are nearly inexhaustible in our attempts to revise / refine / improve the relationship;
and are *extremely* loyal once you remember to throw in bread and water once a day and
turn us toward the daylight once in awhile.

Is that a good enough start?

Full Disclosure: I think INTJs need a little bit of extreme encouragement to get out of the starting block, as
we are risk-averse. A girl rubbing their breasts in our face at the end of a playful conversation may be required,
as long as we don't end up thinking she was only doing such to mock and tantalize us.
 

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Why do men do to show it? What can a partner do to encourage it?
Actually, on further consideration, there's more to say.
Assume for the nonce that the INTJ is a man, as you (IQ362430) are female and asking about INTJs.

An INTJ man will show interest by worshipfully stalking from afar. He will go out of his way to research (unbenknownst to you)
your wants, needs, likes, and habits, as best he can; and then go to considerable time and trouble (carefully hidden as well as possible from all viewers) to perform petty, thoughtful acts of service tailored *especially* and *uniquely* for you.
He will tolerate interruptions from you -- who am I kidding? -- he will *hope* for them, as attention from you may serve as an indicator that you are interested in him.
Once he begins to fall for you, and his internal bulkheads fail, you will notice that in person, he goes from witty banter to trying to focus on substance -- in particular, to solve your problems using his mighty INTJ laser intellect; and, in writing, once he begins opening up (showing his intellect, not in a "Ha! Bow before me, mere puny mortals sense" but in a "twinkle in his eyes" sense),
or (this is crucial) *playful* sarcasm, and correcting your grammar, and in *extreme* cases using emoticons -- he is hopelessly wrapped around your finger, like barbed wire wrapped around the axle of a car which has plowed into a pasture by mistake.
Another way to put it was by an INTJ *woman* on another site who was romanced then savagely rejected by an INFP man:
and this is one of the BEST exchanges on an INTJ in love I have ever seen (read the whole thread, this is just a sample quote):
Bloody INFPs and their capacity to turn INTJs into fuzzy hug addicts. - Page 2

Originally Posted by Athenian200
I knew this would happen.

Do you know how many INTJs I've had to patch up after an INFP ruined them? I always want to pick up the lifeless, broken INTJ, put it under my arm, carry it down to the INFP, present it to them, and scream at them, "You idiot! You BROKE it! Is this your idea of fun, of personal growth, of playing around? Explain yourself!"


Ok, bawling, but laughing at the same time.

I mean, REALLY. I happen to be an excellent cook, and this particular man likes pie. Do you have ANY idea of how many pies I made for him? Every variety you could think of--and they were PERFECT pies. He likes pies and gadgets. I would have figured out how to make an iPhone-shaped pie for him eventually (I could have figured out how to pad aluminum foil in the pie pan and food coloring would have worked fine to paint on the SLIDE TO UNLOCK).

I used to have a cat on the farm I grew up on. She caught mice, gophers, and moles, and would bring them to the back porch, and wait until one of us got up to open the door and let her in. At that exact moment, Cat would trail languidly up the back steps, eye us meaningfully as if to say "I just want you to know how AWESOME I am, even if I don't really care about your opinion," spit the gopher out on the porch at our feet, and turn around to traipse away (looking back once or twice out of the corner of her eye so as to fully appreciate the look of gratitude and awe on our faces at how neat she was to catch and kill gophers). Imagine me doing the exact same thing with a Dutch apple pie that was a total work of art, and you'll get the idea.


For a partner to encourage it, the following are (as the mathematicians say) "both necessary and sufficient" :
1) You MUST be genuine and authentic. Only the INFP has as finely-honed a bullshit detector as the INTJ: the difference is, the INFPs, being liquid love, will mourn and say nothing: the INTJ will eviscerate you without breaking a sweat, hoping all the while that this is his last-ditch attempt to salvage the one he thought he loved. (For an INTJ, this qualifies as poignant sadness.)
2) Playful banter, about intellectual subjects. You can either lead with a subject you are *very* conversant with, or legitimately ask him. But don't "ooh" and "aah" like an ignorant philistine, do your best to keep up: and if you can't, let him know by your comments that you are aiming as high as you can: he will DELIGHT to stoop down to bring you up to speed.
3) Smile, let your eyes shine at him. The eyes are the light of the soul, it is said; and if an INTJ -- bah, WHEN -- an INTJ is attracted and looks into your eyes, if he sees attraction, delight, admiration, arousal, femininity -- you're in like Flynn.
4) Counterexample: INFPs are allowed to be flighty and random. Some INTJs don't like it, for others, it is like catnip. Think of a cat chasing around a laser pointer, completely oblivious to the rest of the world for the moment, that's what it's like for the INTJ.
5) Be prepared for INTENSITY. Stuff that would make an INFPs inner world look shallow (OK, I'm exaggerating; but it's pretty much the same level of magnitude.) Alpha-Male INTJs are capable of up to 0.5 megaton/second firepower for extended periods. /Keith Laumer's Bolo>
6) Also be prepared for sudden walls of silence. INTJs need time ALONE (preferably with a computer, computer game, or books) to recharge. Don't expect to be let in unless it is to offer food and/or sex.
7) Once you have an INTJ's trust the sex will be ... not as evocative as an INFP, I'm told, but the next best thing. Remember, we're perfectionists: and that includes imparting pleasure to the one we love. Be prepared for numerous hours-long make-out (and more) sessions on a regular (continuous!) basis.
8) Most INTJs are not into the social scene, so forget bar-hopping, crowds, and the like. You may be able to lure him into music, cultural, artistic, or bookish events, if you frame it as either intellectual growth or an opportunity for people-watching (some INTJs feed their introspective side by trying to figure out the social interactions among other people, usually managing the same deep level of understanding as a Labrador Retriever looking at a blackboard filled with quantum mechanics).
9) DON'T criticize us intellectually, unless you can combine it with a Kari Byron from Mythbusters smile. We already know we screwed up at the moment we made the mistake, and are already ripping ourselves to shreds over it.
10) Forget about sending or receiving ANY significant messages via body english, unless you do it by signals so over the top as to put a cliche to shame...your INTJ will then notice and wonder if it was really sincere, and get too afraid to move. If this happens, lean over and kiss him with your best lovestruck shining eyes and/or Kari Byron smile. For some reason, we *believe* it when a woman's whole face is lit up at us.

Full disclosure: I'm an INTJ and I approve this message.
 

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Why do men do to show it? What can a partner do to encourage it?
Oh, one other IMPORTANT point.

INTJs pride themselves on not being like the crowd: don't attempt to entice them by offering "standard fare" beloved by the masses.
INTJs are extremely picky on what they accept as evidence of genuine love -- it's why we have the armor -- and if you can figure out what behaviour/attitude that is, they will roll over on their back and expose their belly to you for a tummy rub, like a cat stretched out in front of the fire.

Oh -- one last. We are EXTREMELY, BRUTALLY, honest, and do NOT play games: we neither seek mercy from, nor extend mercy to those who relate by playing games. Our cubicle walls / front doors are festooned with the heads of insincere salesmen impaled on spikes.

If you EVER want to know where you stand with us, and why, approach, give a "Cliff's Notes" (brief!) description of where you are coming from or what you want to know from us, and why, and stand back. We'll either let you know directly, in as few and concise a method as possible, or duck the question, and explain exactly WHY we're ducking.
 

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I am married to an INTJ. He walked up to me and introduced himself. It wasn't until I got to know him better and saw him interact with (or rather, ignore) other people that I understood how unusual it is for him to initiate communication. I would say that's a pretty good sign - INTJs generally don't chit-chat a lot, unless we are motivated to.

We are terrible at flirting. If you go to the INTJ Forum there is currently a thread on INTJs and flirting and there is also a sticky thread on INTJs and relationships. You might be able to pick up on something there, or you can just post you questions there - I am pretty sure that you would get more responses than in the Gen Forums.
 

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I am married to an INTJ. He walked up to me and introduced himself. It wasn't until I got to know him better and saw him interact with (or rather, ignore) other people that I understood how unusual it is for him to initiate communication. I would say that's a pretty good sign - INTJs generally don't chit-chat a lot, unless we are motivated to.

We are terrible at flirting. If you go to the INTJ Forum there is currently a thread on INTJs and flirting and there is also a sticky thread on INTJs and relationships. You might be able to pick up on something there, or you can just post you questions there - I am pretty sure that you would get more responses than in the Gen Forums.
So you're saying I hosed up (as usual). Le sigh.
 

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So you're saying I hosed up (as usual). Le sigh.
No, no, no, not at all - your posts were great! You were the first male INTJ I thought of who is married. If she wants to get some feedback from the young'ens, this is generally not the pace to be, tough...
 

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Hi. Hell yes, we want relationships.
Agree, with the modifier "genuine and honest relationships" that enhance our life in significant ways. Otherwise, I would rather just be single. I know already that I like my companionship.

We just don't know how to get from

"She's got (a) beautiful [ a) smile; b) hair; c) eyes; d) legs; e) *ss; f) rack; g) brain; h) all of the above]"

to

a conversation

to

a date

to a relationship.
I'll have to respectfully disagree. Not all of us are like this, especially with a little experience and wisdom under our belts. I have no problem approaching women nor dating them.

Once we're IN one, we tend to burn out partners through sheer strength of our intensity.
However we are nearly inexhaustible in our attempts to revise / refine / improve the relationship;
and are *extremely* loyal once you remember to throw in bread and water once a day and
turn us toward the daylight once in awhile.
+100 points for this observation. That said, once I decide that the relationship will not work for me, then there's no going back. (It's related to the intensity...I'm either all in or nothing.)

An INTJ man will show interest by worshipfully stalking from afar. He will go out of his way to research (unbenknownst to you) your wants, needs, likes, and habits, as best he can; and then go to considerable time and trouble (carefully hidden as well as possible from all viewers) to perform petty, thoughtful acts of service tailored *especially* and *uniquely* for you.
Guilty as charged. I am always gathering information and analyzing things...if I'm interested, then I'm meticulously learning everything about you.

Once he begins to fall for you, and his internal bulkheads fail, you will notice that in person, he goes from witty banter to trying to focus on substance -- in particular, to solve your problems using his mighty INTJ laser intellect; and, in writing, once he begins opening up (showing his intellect, not in a "Ha! Bow before me, mere puny mortals sense" but in a "twinkle in his eyes" sense), or (this is crucial) *playful* sarcasm, and correcting your grammar, and in *extreme* cases using emoticons -- he is hopelessly wrapped around your finger, like barbed wire wrapped around the axle of a car which has plowed into a pasture by mistake.
Again, spot on. But remember, this is all very subtlety emitted and doesn't begin to scratch the surface of the intensity of feeling that I am experiencing.

For a partner to encourage it, the following are (as the mathematicians say) "both necessary and sufficient" :
1) You MUST be genuine and authentic.
Can't stress this enough. Now that I'm older, I don't like to bullshit around. To crack the inner circle (of which I'm extremely picky about), I need to know the real you--you're glorious imperfections and idiosyncratic tendencies. Because you know what? I will not hold back who I am...

2) Playful banter, about intellectual subjects. You can either lead with a subject you are *very* conversant with, or legitimately ask him. But don't "ooh" and "aah" like an ignorant philistine, do your best to keep up: and if you can't, let him know by your comments that you are aiming as high as you can: he will DELIGHT to stoop down to bring you up to speed.
This does work...but I like playful banter about all subjects. Just be willing to banter.

3) Smile, let your eyes shine at him.
For me personally, I like to see your eyes shine from laughter.

4) Counterexample: INFPs are allowed to be flighty and random. Some INTJs don't like it, for others, it is like catnip. Think of a cat chasing around a laser pointer, completely oblivious to the rest of the world for the moment, that's what it's like for the INTJ.
I don't do flighty and random. Bugs the shit out of me. I prefer consistency, stability, and reliability.

5) Be prepared for INTENSITY. Stuff that would make an INFPs inner world look shallow (OK, I'm exaggerating; but it's pretty much the same level of magnitude.) Alpha-Male INTJs are capable of up to 0.5 megaton/second firepower for extended periods. /Keith Laumer's Bolo>
Yep. This one backfires on me from time to time. I have to self-talk on just staying in the moment and relax...

6) Also be prepared for sudden walls of silence. INTJs need time ALONE (preferably with a computer, computer game, or books) to recharge. Don't expect to be let in unless it is to offer food and/or sex.
7) Once you have an INTJ's trust the sex will be ... not as evocative as an INFP, I'm told, but the next best thing. Remember, we're perfectionists: and that includes imparting pleasure to the one we love. Be prepared for numerous hours-long make-out (and more) sessions on a regular (continuous!) basis.
8) Most INTJs are not into the social scene, so forget bar-hopping, crowds, and the like. You may be able to lure him into music, cultural, artistic, or bookish events, if you frame it as either intellectual growth or an opportunity for people-watching (some INTJs feed their introspective side by trying to figure out the social interactions among other people, usually managing the same deep level of understanding as a Labrador Retriever looking at a blackboard filled with quantum mechanics).
9) DON'T criticize us intellectually, unless you can combine it with a Kari Byron from Mythbusters smile. We already know we screwed up at the moment we made the mistake, and are already ripping ourselves to shreds over it.
10) Forget about sending or receiving ANY significant messages via body english, unless you do it by signals so over the top as to put a cliche to shame...your INTJ will then notice and wonder if it was really sincere, and get too afraid to move. If this happens, lean over and kiss him with your best lovestruck shining eyes and/or Kari Byron smile. For some reason, we *believe* it when a woman's whole face is lit up at us.
Can't argue with any of these either. I appreciate bold, physical gestures (which is hypocritical since I send subtle signals my own self).

Be yourself. Let your inner weirdness out. Be playful. Have your own thing going on. And don't let the intensity scare you...
 

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MindBomb said:
I'll have to respectfully disagree. Not all of us are like this, especially with a little experience and wisdom under our belts. I have no problem approaching women nor dating them.
I have a LOT of experience "under my belt." I've been married 27 years next month. Neither my wife nor I ever even *tries* to say "No" anymore...
 

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I have a LOT of experience "under my belt." I've been married 27 years next month. Neither my wife nor I ever even *tries* to say "No" anymore...
Not married to one as long, but near 100% accurate. My hubby's aloof, except to close people, and to me he's just fun! totally the cat on the back displaying the belly, but just for me, and that's special indeed.
 
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I have a LOT of experience "under my belt." I've been married 27 years next month. Neither my wife nor I ever even *tries* to say "No" anymore...
Well, many younger INTJs may have this issue of approaching someone romanticly, but I'm not so sure about this being generalizable to us older INTJs. And don't take this the wrong way, but you haven't quite been on the dating scene in recent years ;-)

But yeah, congrats on the 27 years! Truly. :)
 

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Well, many younger INTJs may have this issue of approaching someone romanticly, but I'm not so sure about this being generalizable to us older INTJs. And don't take this the wrong way, but you haven't quite been on the dating scene in recent years ;-)

But yeah, congrats on the 27 years! Truly. :)
Yah, that's just my *point*.
What I was like when I was dating was totally awkward /awestruck -- "I'm talking to a --a GURL! ME!!"
But now the situation is almost exactly the opposite: I'm so used to being able to say almost *anything* of a come-on nature to my wife (and get at the most a giggle and a slap on my arm before we're off to the races) that I basically have to be stone silent around co-workers if the topic is even *two* segues away from anything of a bawdy nature.

It reminds me of when I had a female high-school friend visit me in grad school, and she laughed when I
a) instinctively put my arm around *her* as I had been in the habit of doing with my then-girlfriend (since broken up with);
b) my arm was at the COMPLETELY wrong height for her, since she was way shorter than that girlfriend

Thanks for the critique!

Your mileage may vary.
 

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pin in this thread to read it later
;)
 
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