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Do INTJs like to be the controlling partner in the relationship? Do you set the tone of the relationship, whether its by laying groundrules/boundaries or setting expectations for how things will be etc.? I am more interested in the INTJ woman perspective. In spending time with an INTJ woman in the early stages of a potential relationship, I feel like beyond coming out of her shell, I have noticed a more controlling streak to her that I hadn't in the past.
 

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Delphic Seer
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IME, a healthy balance of power is preferable for the sake of stability.

Disclaimer: I’m not an INTJ woman but I hope my input is useful anyway.
 

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ABSOLUTELY NOT!

What I want is equality, two capable individuals joining forces. I have no desire to control, nor I'll be controlled.

There might be times I can come across as "controlling", especially to someone who is too passive(or flaky), because I'll call your bullshit and I'll push you to be the best you can be. But it's not to control you.
I also expect the same from my partner.

It's probably why a feeler wouldn't be the best match for me.
 

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Do INTJs like to be the controlling partner in the relationship?
Not at all. I strongly dislike men who wish to put me into the 'mommy' role. I like my 'masculine'/natural leader SO to have control when the relationship gets to the completely committed point (although in my eyes it's about responsibility, control is only a tool to that end. I want none of that domineering/insecure ego/self-serving/unhealthy stuff. Equal value is a must). I'm an outlier in this though (my enneagram sx instinct and a few other things affect my preference). When this has come up before, the majority of INTJ women report wanting an 'equal' power dynamic.

Do you set the tone of the relationship, whether its by laying groundrules/boundaries or setting expectations for how things will be etc.?
"Set the tone" -- no. In the early days I'll communicate a lot about my ideal relationship/lifestyle etc. It's light and 'mutual' at this stage. Discussing each of our views/wants/needs/likes/dislikes/won't-tolerates shows potential compatibility, sets up a general idea of expectations and clear boundaries. Of course this is all stated as preferences; 'I won't do open relationships', 'I strongly prefer to live somewhere not freezing' etc rather than "groundrules". When we're ready to move forward (begin a committed relationship) he can "set the tone"/manage expectations and we can 'negotiate' finer details as necessary.

I am more interested in the INTJ woman perspective. In spending time with an INTJ woman in the early stages of a potential relationship, I feel like beyond coming out of her shell, I have noticed a more controlling streak to her that I hadn't in the past.
It sounds like you need to discuss your relationship dynamic preferences with her. If you don't like where this is going, say so. Also, maybe try 'pushing back' (but in a non defensive way) when she acts controlling in a way you don't like and see what happens. Not that I think discussing expectations/boundaries in the early stages is a bad thing. But presumably something about the way she did it and/or the nature of the 'rules' themselves seem controlling to you.

A thing to note here is some people can be put off by the matter-of-fact/direct language INTJs use. Many times I think I'm speaking normally and another mbti type will feel I'm 'commanding' them (that Te of mine, lol). Where I think if they have a problem with my idea, or know a better one, they'll simply tell me. There can also be a factor of INTJs can be drawn to filling in a void created by another who isn't pulling their weight -- we sometimes 'fall into' the leadership role bc we're capable of it, even though we don't necessarily want it. It happens to me with people generally all the time. I just made a decision to refuse to do it in a romantic relationship (and only date assertive leader types to begin with).
 

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INTJ's prefer partenrships, NOT relationships. In a partnership you are equal. Decisions are made together. One does not try dominating the other.

That expectation may come off to other types as controlling, but that's the other type's ego interfering.
 

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What I want is equality, two capable individuals joining forces. I have no desire to control, nor I'll be controlled.
Precisely. I do look for complementarity of strengths so my hypothetical partner may take the lead moreso in some circumstances and I moreso in others, but on the whole the dynamic should be balanced. I suppose if I fell madly in love with someone stronger than me in most ways I might be more capitulating but I've never seen evidence that that person exists let alone would be loveable to me. If they're weaker than me in a way that necessitates my needing to take most control, they're not offering enough to be a good team mate in life.

I'm very sensitive to the power dynamic potential partners seem to be looking for (or imagining) as well, because in terms of my own real world observation I've never convincingly met someone fixated on the idea of dominating or being dominated (relationally, less so sexually) who was not trying to use the intended dynamic as a crutch for some form of insecurity. Though "crutch" may be too loaded a word because insecurity isn't a crime and if that's their method and it works for them, well, alright. It's not for me, however.

The kind of insecurity that can lead to that isn't un-INTJ though. I've seen it in INTJ men fairly often. I actually demurred from a long time friendship with an INTJ man because he was seeking very unequal power dynamics in his relationships (girls in late teens, often with diagnosed personality disorders and histories of abuse) and then predictably misusing the power it gave him... and somehow expecting me to empathize with him moreso than them.

I will say, I have also had flaky people (mis) interpret some of my behavior as "controlling," but I was insisting on consistency not lopsided decision making influence.
 

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Do INTJs like to be the controlling partner in the relationship? Do you set the tone of the relationship, whether its by laying groundrules/boundaries or setting expectations for how things will be etc.? I am more interested in the INTJ woman perspective. In spending time with an INTJ woman in the early stages of a potential relationship, I feel like beyond coming out of her shell, I have noticed a more controlling streak to her that I hadn't in the past.

No. That sounds exhausting and leaves question to some competence of my partner.

I do expect common respect and integrity, if I see it is lacking, I will say something. It may come off as controlling if the person is meek, covertly refuses to work with me, or has deeply ingrained notions of how a woman should behave. If you were a third person looking at the relationship you are in, genders switched, would you think it were still controlling? If no, you need to reevaluate your situation and thoughts. If yes, then I suggest you try working with her.

Edit in: This doesn't mean I would steer from dating a 'submissive' person. I would need to trust the person understands the truth of equals on a larger level, would not resort to unhealthy behaviors or have a mommy-complex-turn off.
 

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....

Yes, I have a domineering, controlling streak at times. :blushed:

I don't like it, though. Me being bossy usually happens when I don't trust this person because their judgment sucks or their opinions/principles sway with the wind. People who are easily led are just as unattractive as the leaders who insist on controlling weak people.

I start to lose respect once I see that you don't have a backbone or if you're perpetually wishy washy. That's when Ms HBIC comes out.

Are you talking about your coworker? Is her bossy-ness part of her job?
 

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nope
actually I prefer if they do
I consider it 50/50
I get sick of choosing all the activities
let them contribute or suggestions
 

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I've had some personal experience with controlling INTJs, and unfortunately I've been trying to wrestle a fellow INFJ from a female INTJ who has her in such a tight grip that she feels like she can't even leave their apartment without permission (ugh).

But I'd say that this is definitely a part of their unhealthy side, and an INTJ doesn't have to be a controlling partner. I've even witnessed a good amount of leniency from them.
 
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I will comment that Socionic theories of romantic styles maintain that INTJs (more accurately, strong Ni-users) of both sexes idealize strength in their significant other. The comments in this thread would tend to confirm it. On the other hand, they also suggest an element of submission, which is not what comes across here.

I personally hate indecisiveness in other people. The ideal woman for me is assertive, independent, and self-confident; that is, someone who is unwilling to be controlled.
 

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I personally hate indecisiveness in other people. The ideal woman for me is assertive, independent, and self-confident; that is, someone who is unwilling to be controlled.
I would say the same thing about men.

However, it may be difficult to figure out people's personality at first. I imagine I actually do come across as submissive - or: much more submissive than usual - at first, when I meet someone I really like. I'm not normally like that, which people who know me know of course, but I can imagine men who haven't known me out of the romantic context and whom I like from the beginning can get a wrong idea about who I really am because of this initial shyness and weakness that sets in when I'm impressed by somebody.
 

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We are not all the same, but since you're asking the question as though we are I'm going to answer the question in the same vein.

Yes, the INTJ woman likes to control relationships. She wants to control the dealings of her heart, so quite naturally she will want to control any relationship she finds herself in. No one else will control a relationship she is in because she is not at all comfortable giving control of her heart/life to anyone. Moreover, she doesn’t like being in relationships to begin with because of how odd she feels in them, so again quite naturally she will want to control any relationship she finds herself in.

Yes, she sets the tone in relationships. She makes her likes, dislikes, tolerances, and expectations known upfront so that there are no misunderstandings. She will be the dominant personality in the relationships because her personality is dominant. Also, she is so foreign, odd, and uncommon for a female in a constructive way that it will just seem natural to follow her lead to see where it leads, confident that she will not lead you wrong because of how constructive, efficient, proficient, and deliberate her thinking is.

She is not the affectionate, submissive, emotionally needy female expected of the female human species, and everyone knows that whoever exhibits the most strength and restraint emotionally and sexually in a relationship controls the relationship. Granted she may try to be the woman for you that society expects women to be, but if/when she decides to be "herself" she will be like all the descriptions you've ever read about an INTJ female in relationships. “An intimate relationship is her Achilles heel, nemesis, chink in her armor,” etc.

Her personality is not really conducive to being in an emotional/affectionate/intimate relationship, so whoever chooses to be in a relationship with her will find that she controls it because she really doesn't want to be in it to begin with, which makes her substantially more willing to remove herself from it when it’s not working (when she’s not in control) than her partner. And the partner knows this early in the relationship. He can feel and sense that she will be fine without him; that she’s not nor ever will be so emotionally attached to him that she won’t choose herself (her peace of mind) over him/(them)their relationship; and that she is naturally independent and will be happier on her own, though she enjoys him. He knows she can and will get over him relatively quickly and easy if need be. So yes, she controls the relationship because he knows she has a natural ability and propensity to "move on", so he bows if wants to remain in the relationship with her.

She usually doesn’t know she doesn’t want to be in a relationship until she’s already in it, so it’s worth it to find out and know beyond any doubt if she wants to be in a relationship AND is she wants to be in one with you before or as oppose to trying to woo or impress her into a relationship with you. Some will remain in the relationship out of loyalty even after she has discovered that she doesn't to be in the relationship, but most will follow their heart and leave once to obtain the almighty peace of mind. She enjoys her own company and her peace of mind above all else, and is therefore more willing to remove herself from a draining relationship regardless of "love", "kids", etc. Oh, and kids? Forget about it, she doesn't want any; and whoever decides if the relationship will include children or not controls the relationship. You may be thinking, but all women decide that; but that’s not true. The INTJ woman is the only woman you can rest assured makes the decision to be or not to be with children. She does not have children by mistake, or because she’s pro-life, or because of some fleeting emotional need or reason, as so many women do.

Now I know I just probably made the INTJ woman seem like the most undesirable woman to be in a relationship with, but one might say quite the opposite is true. I will not go into all the details about why the INTJ female is so awesome as a girlfriend/life partner because clearly you already know since you're digging on one, but I will say it's possibly and highly likely for an INTJ female to be the best friend/girlfriend/life partner you’ve ever had, IF she’s really an INTJ and IF she wants/chooses to be in a relationship with you.
 

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Plague Doctor
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Ideally, it's an equal partnership.

I wonder - has something happened in her life that has really thrown her off? I tend to attempt to control more aspects of my life (get really weird about sleep schedule, diet, exercise, etc...) when I am under stress and there's something "out there" I can't control.

My partner of 15 years hasn't ever called my controlling, but I sometimes (very very occasionally) have to just lay down how it's going to be. I don't think it has anything to do with being controlling, being an INTJ (or his being an INTP), or with gender or anything. It's just sometimes we need to keep the other in check.

For example, if one of our children has a new challenge and we come to an agreement of a new parenting technique to help them overcome their challenge, I find myself needing to remind him to be consistent more often than in other areas of our relationship. He just takes longer to get used to a new routine, though...
 

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I suppose it is useful to expound on "controlling," - as I do prefer a certain element of control in relations; but it is not necessarily a domineering, inconsiderate control - but rather, I set the rules before the other specimen does.

In spite of popular belief; if I set no rules, the (opposing specimen) will just act accordingly and set their own rules:

Thus, acting how they desire, and indeed, when in 'romantic' partnership with myself, you loose many 'individualistic' freedoms, the ability to satisfy/act on certain desires, and indeed, you will serve.

I do appreciate, from time to time, if you would challenge my rules - and engage with highly-dysfunctional agumentation from time to time [so I know you have a functional-ego] - & in some regards, I require an understanding of how you (handle) yourself (re: innovate / submit) - against dynamicism / uncontrollable circumstances / (and deal with psychologically complex-conflicts) (re: dealing with flawed systems & flawed people) - & would prefer we not "smooth sail," so I can actively assess your reasoning & innovative skills (&) intelligence levels.

Set rules of your own; so I can frustrate you a tad, as well.

Nonetheless, I like flexbility / dynamicism of the 'masculinized' feeler-male (&) (Fe/Se) tendencies to get rough (&) aggressive; or 'go rational' - while maintaining an overall subconscios driven intergrity towards humanity; I can also screw you in the butt rather happily, if this is a fetish of yours.
 

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My partner would be my equal. Now, there are many situations in a relationship where a partner insists that something is done by the other. This is perfectly natural, and being aware of and communicative of ones' needs is vital to the health of a relationship. It is important, however, that requests can always be asked of either person, that they are reasonable in nature, given an honest explanation for, and the tone in which they are delivered is appropriate.

If the person you are engaging with is giving you innumerable demands and not communicating the reasons for them then that is an issue. It could be that they are demanding, but it could also be they just have not given sufficient or any consideration toward you. Furthermore, if you have been or are provided an explanation and they continue to not sit well with you... this spells death for the longevity of the relationship. If you begin to catch yourself rolling your eyes during your communication, that's an unhealthy dead relationship that just hasn't crumbled yet.
 

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I personally hate indecisiveness in other people. The ideal woman for me is assertive, independent, and self-confident; that is, someone who is unwilling to be controlled.
i don't care about most trivial things like what i want to eat, what i want to do, if i mind taking care of something (boss asking me), etc and i'd say it doesn't matter and some people take it as being indecisive or that i'm unable to stand up for myself. although when i suggest something, they will say "naaah, i don't feel like it" or "i want to train someone else but nobody can do it better than you".

...

i don't think anybody wants to be controlled (i sure hope no one does), but i also don't want to waste time arguing about who's gonna drive if we're going to dinner and at the same time be respectful of each other's needs.
 
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