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Do ISFJ's give others second chances?

5130 Views 11 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  EYENTJ
Hey guys,

I really screwed the pooch with an ISFJ and I'd like your input.

We "dated" for several months, but while I wasn't thinking long-term, it seemed like she was. I kept dropping hints that since she was going off to a new college and I was leaving the country in a year, that perhaps this wasn't the best of ideas. I certainly didn't treat her as well as I would have if she were my girlfriend, but she treated me so well that I couldn't muster the usual INTJ ruthlessness and cut the relationship off. She was always initiating contact and coming over to my place... it was intoxicating.

After a while she began to look elsewhere while still hanging out as friends and hooking up. Her temperature towards me began to fall a little (laughing less at my jokes and pranks, breaking dates, etc) and I slowly, slowly, slowly (I'm an INTJ keep in mind) began to realize that I had fallen in love without realizing it and that I had pretty much lost her. She found a new guy and is dating him currently. I reacted in typical INTJ fashion: Freeze Out, which was a huge no-no. In my emotional distress and severe, atypical loneliness, I wound up sleeping with one of her "best friends," who had been attracted to me the whole time (not excusing what I did, but she initiated the seduction).

I've reconciled with the fact that my chances again with her are extremely low. But, have you, as an ISFJ, ever been in a similar situation with a happy ending? My plan is to just wait it out until she breaks up with her current guy and see if she still has feelings towards me. In either case, I know I've royally fucked up and have since resolved to be there for her if she ever needs anything. Hoping for friendship/relationship, but expecting nothing. Any input would be great. And feel free to yell at me for having acted like an emotionally insensitive d-bag.

Addendum: I've since fixed my insensitive behaviors (the stupid crap I would pull when we were "together") and have been, as much as an INTJ can be, emotionally sensitive. Predictably, when I ended my freeze out, she hated me utterly for about a month and I endured cheap shots, low blows, and her own freeze out. She's since warmed up a bit from "undisguised hate" to "benign tolerance." For what it's worth, I can still make her laugh (alot), but she begins grinning or laughing and then catches herself doing so and immediately stops with a sigh.
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The dreaded ISFJ/INTx combo.

Maybe while she is with this other guy you can take some time to figure out if you are willing and up for the challenge of dealing with an ISFJ, especially given your type (this said with very limited experience, but enough to avoid INTP's from now on.....). It would probably mean a lot of work, a lot of misunderstandings etc etc. BUT if you do come to the conclusion you want her, I wish you the best. The positive is that you know your type and hers, and that will help you out when things become sticky.

If someone had done wrong by me, I would leave it up to them to decide if they wanted to contact me. I don't think I would be making that move. Especially b/c of how she was before this whole debacle started-she was always the one initiating. Liminality makes some wonderful points, one of which is yes, as you are the one who actually knows her, you are best qualified to answer these questions. So maybe what I am saying does not apply.

And one more thing: Women need to be pursued. If she does exit this other relationship and you do still love her, you need to be the one pursuing her.

This is all in my own humble opinion, mind you.

Good luck, I wish you and her the best.
1) The time and patience required to turn this thing around is going to create unbearable amounts of resentment towards her.
To me this sentence speaks volumes and exudes foreboding. I think you should ask yourself if this is really what you want. And then ask yourself again. And again. :frustrating:
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