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Do ISFJ's give others second chances?

5127 Views 11 Replies 6 Participants Last post by  EYENTJ
Hey guys,

I really screwed the pooch with an ISFJ and I'd like your input.

We "dated" for several months, but while I wasn't thinking long-term, it seemed like she was. I kept dropping hints that since she was going off to a new college and I was leaving the country in a year, that perhaps this wasn't the best of ideas. I certainly didn't treat her as well as I would have if she were my girlfriend, but she treated me so well that I couldn't muster the usual INTJ ruthlessness and cut the relationship off. She was always initiating contact and coming over to my place... it was intoxicating.

After a while she began to look elsewhere while still hanging out as friends and hooking up. Her temperature towards me began to fall a little (laughing less at my jokes and pranks, breaking dates, etc) and I slowly, slowly, slowly (I'm an INTJ keep in mind) began to realize that I had fallen in love without realizing it and that I had pretty much lost her. She found a new guy and is dating him currently. I reacted in typical INTJ fashion: Freeze Out, which was a huge no-no. In my emotional distress and severe, atypical loneliness, I wound up sleeping with one of her "best friends," who had been attracted to me the whole time (not excusing what I did, but she initiated the seduction).

I've reconciled with the fact that my chances again with her are extremely low. But, have you, as an ISFJ, ever been in a similar situation with a happy ending? My plan is to just wait it out until she breaks up with her current guy and see if she still has feelings towards me. In either case, I know I've royally fucked up and have since resolved to be there for her if she ever needs anything. Hoping for friendship/relationship, but expecting nothing. Any input would be great. And feel free to yell at me for having acted like an emotionally insensitive d-bag.

Addendum: I've since fixed my insensitive behaviors (the stupid crap I would pull when we were "together") and have been, as much as an INTJ can be, emotionally sensitive. Predictably, when I ended my freeze out, she hated me utterly for about a month and I endured cheap shots, low blows, and her own freeze out. She's since warmed up a bit from "undisguised hate" to "benign tolerance." For what it's worth, I can still make her laugh (alot), but she begins grinning or laughing and then catches herself doing so and immediately stops with a sigh.
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I'm wondering if she is extremely suspicious of me now because of my joking nature. One of the most adorable moments was when she asked me innocently, "are you messing with me?" She seems to take my overtures at reconnecting as insincere or out of character.
I was just talking about this with someone the other day. If I can't know how to take someone's words at face value I can get really tense about being around that person. If I'm being teased I have to know I am, rather than feeling set up to be laughed at if I didn't realise the other person was messing with me. If you used to be really jokey and playful and are now acting differently I can see how that could start this sort of tension -- if it were me I'd be thinking you were playing some sort of game with me and I would be suspicious, especially since pranks used to be a specialty of yours.

I don't think you should try to be anyone you're not, and while she's with this other person just consistently be her sincere friend. While she's with someone else you have a bit of time to try and regain the friendship.
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