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I'm an INFJ and she is an ISFJ and we've known eachother since we were 13 yrs. old. were in our 40's and I care about her and it just seems that I say all the wrong things to her. AHAHAHA. And quite honestly, I do not mean to hurt her. Maybe I should learn to just listen. I wish she would say that. That all she wants is someone there to talk to but not neccessarily need advice and someone just to hear her voice. I need feedback. I need help from other ISFJ's. She's important to me and I care about her. Thanks ISFJ's for being who you are!!! Johnny.
 

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I'm not sure, I've always been touched and helped if someone can come in with an honest observation, or suggestion I've not seen before - I prefer this in a one on one setting -, and isn't too forceful about it. Even when it's cold hard criticism, even intentionally hurtful, or emotional on the other person's part, I'll eventually come away having learned something. However stubborness...perhaps pride, also sensitivity and perfectionism, can be a problem if I'm hurt, or feel like the person is forcing me against my will - to do something, or to hear their opinion.

Input makes me feel reassured that the person cares, but when it's too forceful, pride and sensitivity kick in.

So I guess if I can talk and then it feels like the other person is reacting to what I say, as opposed to talking at me, or coming in along a different strain of though or wave legnth ('Where are they coming from...?')...if that makes sense...probably makes for the easiest way to get me to absorb something - I've followed the ideas...sequentially (I can describe them with connections and correct order in place) and the advice can fit into this mental scheme - I feels like the person is on the same page and I'm not sonfusing myself about it, or doubting myself.

And if I am confusing myself - they make some sense of it, or bring a new perspective. They try to fix the thing - the singular idea, so it slots in better with the rest and the rest can...carry on -, not me as a whole, or help me realise the thing is not as significant as I thought - I find this hard to identify.
 

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I once heard this in a conference, and it's always stuck out to me extremely because it rang so true for me:

"If someone tells you about a problem, don't give them advice unless they ask you for it."


For me, this is extremely true. I can't think of one situation in life where I wanted someone's advice and didn't ask them for it. But there have been tons and tons of times where I've just needed to vent and have someone listen, and they've offered me advice, and it just made things worse. I think the problem is that I feel like the person is trying to change or correct me rather than just be there for me when I need them to be.


I'm starting to think this is more of an ISFJ thing than just a people thing.

I think the problem is that our dominant Si gets us into ruts. It's so hard for us to change things, even if it's what we need to do.

I'm not saying it's rational, but I think it's how I function best. I would rather keep on doing something, even if it's not the best, than potentially risk it for something better. It's only when it gets so bad that I feel a strong desire to change it that I finally do. But I have to do it on my own time, and I have to be the one to make the decision. Otherwise, it just makes me go crazy and get miserable.


The problem is, this leads to a lot of built up emotion and stress that I need to let out. And for me, one of the best ways to do it is just for me to be able to vent and have someone listen. Or, it's even better if they agree with what I'm saying or can offer similar frustrations or stories of their own.


So it's true for me. I can't speak for all ISFJ's, but from what I've read about them and my discussions with them, I think it rings true somewhat for ISFJ's in general.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks Teddy. That makes sense. I think that is exactly what she does and all she wants is someone to understand her. Neve once did she ask for my advice or opinion. Your right, I believe. Thanks!
 

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But there have been tons and tons of times where I've just needed to vent and have someone listen, and they've offered me advice, and it just made things worse. I think the problem is that I feel like the person is trying to change or correct me rather than just be there for me when I need them to be.
So true. If I don't ask for advices, I don't really want them (wow, that sounds really mean :unsure:). Like you said, it usually makes it even worse and I just want to end the conversation, and in order to do so I need to pretend that I'm over the issue etc - when I guess I'm just still building more anxiety inside.

I used to wonder what was wrong with me for occasionally just bursting out crying over something very stupid/mundane, and when for example my parents tried to understand why I got upset, I couldn't name any real reason. Then I would just feel really stupid for trying to explain why I got so upset/hysteric for like burning the food etc "normal dissapointments". Guess it is just that even little things became so huge when just suffed inside. And then comes the need to vent, which in my case comes via crying (so embarrassing and annoying, because I cry so easily).

I guess I should learn to deal with the emotions as soon as they come, instead of just stuffing them away because I don't want to handle them.
 

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I'm bad with taking advice but I love to give advice to others, it can be hard to just listen. I guess that tells me something, I should be careful with advice given and listen more :sad:
 

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I'm not sure, I've always been touched and helped if someone can come in with an honest observation, or suggestion I've not seen before - I prefer this in a one on one setting -, and isn't too forceful about it. Even when it's cold hard criticism, even intentionally hurtful, or emotional on the other person's part, I'll eventually come away having learned something. However stubborness...perhaps pride, also sensitivity and perfectionism, can be a problem if I'm hurt, or feel like the person is forcing me against my will - to do something, or to hear their opinion.

Input makes me feel reassured that the person cares, but when it's too forceful, pride and sensitivity kick in.

So I guess if I can talk and then it feels like the other person is reacting to what I say, as opposed to talking at me, or coming in along a different strain of though or wave legnth ('Where are they coming from...?')...if that makes sense...probably makes for the easiest way to get me to absorb something - I've followed the ideas...sequentially (I can describe them with connections and correct order in place) and the advice can fit into this mental scheme - I feels like the person is on the same page and I'm not sonfusing myself about it, or doubting myself.
I agree with Liminality, and I thank you Liminality for your post. Wonderfully worded.

When I share things I am putting myself in a very vulnerable situation. I am opening up, showing my hurt. For me when I share I am hoping for something back. BUT I have just discovered that some people think that when I open up I am just venting and do not want any feedback, so there is no response. I realise I need to be very clear that yes I would appreciate feedback IF that is what I am looking for. I have never been a person to just vent and walk off, I am looking for some advice, some suggestions, some anythings lol!

But this is just how I am; this is not a definition for all ISFJ's.......

Good luck!
 

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I agree with Liminality, and I thank you Liminality for your post. Wonderfully worded.

When I share things I am putting myself in a very vulnerable situation. I am opening up, showing my hurt. For me when I share I am hoping for something back. BUT I have just discovered that some people think that when I open up I am just venting and do not want any feedback, so there is no response. I realise I need to be very clear that yes I would appreciate feedback IF that is what I am looking for. I have never been a person to just vent and walk off, I am looking for some advice, some suggestions, some anythings lol!

But this is just how I am; this is not a definition for all ISFJ's.......

Good luck!
Thank You Miss Rowan. JY
 
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