Do other INFPs withdraw when someone tries to deepen the relationship?

I'm also a type 4 I think i'm on the unhealthy side currently..

Yes. In fact, I have yet to have a relationship last over the 1.5 year mark because of my skeptical tendencies.
I find problems in people and in my relationships. An ex-boyfriend's parents asked me and my previous partner when we were going to get engaged haha - it freaked me out and I broke up with him two weeks later.

I think I need someone really, really different to keep me with them.
I'm not an easy person :/

Or maybe I just haven't found the 'right' person.

LyeLye said:

I notice that I have this really bad tendency to pull away from people when the other person wants to deepen the relationship. I know that a lot of it has to deal with a cynicism I have of other people, as I don't always think they know me enough to want that. Is that common for INFPs? Does this happen to you? Or is it just my problem? I wouldn't want this to be common for INFPs, yet I'd really like some insight into my own thinkings. Also, I'm a Type 4 and I'd like to hear the answers to the same questions I asked INFPs (I figure there will be a lot of overlap anyways).

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Funny, I have the same problem, even happens online sometimes. I am distrustful of people because of some personal stuff and relationships within family. Even if they like me, I think it must be for just some part of me, not my whole self. I'm comfortable with distance mostly as a way to protect myself but at the same time I want closeness because I am that kind of person too. And I'm slow to build up to closeness, which will come, but with great time and effort and care. I sometimes wonder if I have a wild scared animal inside. Suddenly it hears a sound and jumps up and goes back and hides and I'm like, Oh no not this again...I have to start all over....

What kind of depth is that person pursuing? Is it compatible with your's? Is it possible their speed in "getting to know someone" is faster (and possibly not as deep) as your own? Do they need to slow down (and are they willing to, or do they continue pushing?)

Have they reciprocated? In other words, have they shared their own depth to make you comfortable enough to open up your own?

Have you run into a barrier where they have been unable to understand adequately those things you have already shared, and thus see no point in revealing more?

Are you sure this has to do with cynicism? I would think that is just what you tell yourself rather than the actual emotional cause. Do any of these thoughts relate to you?

You may be unsatisfied about yourself and therefore not want someone to figure out your flaws.

You are afraid to love. You don't want to be that weak.

You actively search for reasons not to date a guy, rather than reasons to date him

It scares you when others suddenly want something from you that you've never given before and you chicken out

You cannot figure out your own feelings and thus don't know if you actually feel enough for a guy or not.

I am not saying that all of these apply to you. Just think about them. Maybe there is something in it to guide your way. I personally have never had a similar problem. Giving in to people is kind of my natural state

I'm a type 8w9 INFP and any time someone tells me they love me I withdraw like Stuart from MadTV: <-When she tries to say 'hi,' that's me when someone tells me they love me. However after a bit -couple of days- I usually think about it and figure, 'hey, this person does actually love me, maybe I should try.'

Laeona said:

What kind of depth is that person pursuing? Is it compatible with your's? Is it possible their speed in "getting to know someone" is faster (and possibly not as deep) as your own? Do they need to slow down (and are they willing to, or do they continue pushing?)

Have they reciprocated? In other words, have they shared their own depth to make you comfortable enough to open up your own?

Have you run into a barrier where they have been unable to understand adequately those things you have already shared, and thus see no point in revealing more?

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It's usually either depth in a romantic relationship or a friendship. If I pull away in a friendship, sometimes it's because I think they want something more. Other times it's because I don't want them to think I'm a tedious person to be around...I mean, they tell me that I can come to them but can I really? I doubt it. Not without our relationship being affected in a negative way. No, I guess it's not always compatible...sometimes I feel like people want more than I can give them. Yes, they often go way faster than I'd like them to...which causes me to not believe that anything they say they feel is authentic. I'd appreciate it if they slowed down, even if it's just a friendship...but if it's a romantic relationship they want, most of the time I'd like them to give up pursuing me at all. I've always felt duped by those friends that have wanted more...it makes me feel like there's something unsatisfactory about our friendship.

Probably not. If they've shared their deepest secrets to me, then that would imply a lack of depth in them from what I've seen so far.

Probably. I'm pretty honest about my shortcomings and I wonder how they take that at times. Other times though I'm completely closed off and I wonder if I'm even giving them a chance.

UnicornRainbowLove said:

Are you sure this has to do with cynicism? I would think that is just what you tell yourself rather than the actual emotional cause. Do any of these thoughts relate to you?

You may be unsatisfied about yourself and therefore not want someone to figure out your flaws.

You are afraid to love. You don't want to be that weak.

You actively search for reasons not to date a guy, rather than reasons to date him

It scares you when others suddenly want something from you that you've never given before and you chicken out

You cannot figure out your own feelings and thus don't know if you actually feel enough for a guy or not.

I am not saying that all of these apply to you. Just think about them. Maybe there is something in it to guide your way. I personally have never had a similar problem. Giving in to people is kind of my natural state

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Eh, it's cynicism derived from my low self-esteem. I have abandonment issues, I think.

1. Yes.

2. Well, I'm just not sure loving someone at my age is practical. I don't want to put myself in a relationship that's destined for failure. I'm fine with being vulnerable as long as the other person doesn't think I'm weak.

3. Yes.

4. Yes. My romantic liaisons always end when they want to have sex. Theoretically, I'm not against having sex with people. There's nothing inherently wrong with having sex with a person you don't yet love or won't love forever, yet I don't feel...comfortable with the idea.

5. Well, typically I feel a lot less for him than he or she feels for me.

I suppose that's another reason why I'm reluctant to get closer - I've had people abuse, manipulate, and use me because I naturally want to please others. At the same time, I think I subconsciously try to sabotage myself by withdrawing/displeasing them.

I wouldn't say I withdraw from people. I am also type 4, and what I want most is to be closer to people and to be understood.

I don't usually actively go to people with my problems. I relate to not wanting to bother or overwhelm others. I kind of keep that to myself because I'm insecure with how emotional I am.

I'm a pretty honest person, though, and like I mentioned, I want to be closer to others. I just want to feel like they want that, too. If a loved one asked me something explicitly, I would tell them almost anything. I revel in revealing secrets about myself to others.

Do you ever feel like people don't know what they're getting themselves into? Maybe it's easier to withdraw than to open up only to be rejected.

under skies said:

I wouldn't say I withdraw from people. I am also type 4, and what I want most is to be closer to people and to be understood.

I don't usually actively go to people with my problems. I relate to not wanting to bother or overwhelm others. I kind of keep that to myself because I'm insecure with how emotional I am.

I'm a pretty honest person, though, and like I mentioned, I want to be closer to others. I just want to feel like they want that, too. If a loved one asked me something explicitly, I would tell them almost anything. I revel in revealing secrets about myself to others.

Do you ever feel like people don't know what they're getting themselves into? Maybe it's easier to withdraw than to open up only to be rejected.

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I completely relate to what you said. I also revel in revealing secrets about myself but that's countered with my fear that, as you said, "they don't know what they're getting themselves into." Most likely, it is easier withdrawing than being rejected.

i react similarly to emotional intimacy and am also a type four and i think it has more to do with deep seated trust issues i have ingrained in my person from childhood via standoffish/emotionally unavailable parents + vindictive schoolmates. I just cant seem to get over the idea that if i actually LET GO and be vulnerable and care for someone without strings attached or reservations i will inevitably be brutally mocked and rejected or some bullshit which is obviously not true at all, there are a lot of nice people out there. If trust is ever gained from me, it is a product of a LONG period of struggle, most/99% of people don't get there because i retreat into myself so quickly and so often. I don't know, sometimes i think being infp is the worst thing ever, but i guess you can't change who you are.

I'm frightened off by people who want to go way too fast, or who approach me out of the blue and ask me on a date before they've even asked me my name.

Can't really help the latter but the former is partly my fault. My sx-instinct craves deep connections and so when I'm making friends it often jumps the gun at the first meeting, leading them to think I'm a lot more interested than I really am. My dominant sp-instinct then pulls it in afterwards, going, "Is that relationship really going to be any good for you? What do we really know about this person? Do you think there's really any long-term potential here or are you going to get sick of them/disappointed like you do with all the rest?" And unfortunately it's usually right, so I step back a bit and the other person keeps pushing, probably because they think I'm either playing hard to get or are just having a bad day and need some extra love, and of course that frightens me even more and makes me feel like they aren't respecting my boundaries.... eek.

I can relate to withdrawing after opening up to people. I even do it with my parents sometimes. I reveal something in a moment of weakness, and afterwards regret it bitterly because I was rejected so much in my childhood that I feel like it's become a universal truth that no one will understand me, and will be weirded about by what I say. I'll then avoid that person for a while if I can, and never bring up that conversation again. Sometimes I'll find out that they never thought anything of it, and it surprises me every time.

But if I really connect with someone and think I can trust them and they want to go even deeper.... OH YEAH BABY BRING IT ON

Yes. 99% of the time (which means not always, yaaay). It depends on the person, ime. I'm apathetic towards almost everyone, and I want to keep all my relationships superficial. The funny part is that I can't stand superficiality so I drop the person soon and move on to new circles of people, and this cycle continues forever.
My reasons for withdrawing are:
1- skepticism that the person actually likes me, or that they will like me when they get to know me better. It's a "I'm not good enough for them" thing, where I make the decision that they won't like me so I won't even try cause I don't feel like experiencing rejection to my face.
2- friendships come with obligations. I minimize rules & chores in my lifestyle, and one way of minimizing is by not having relationships except the most basic ones for emotional health. Nothing beyond family and 1 bff. That's all the chores I'm willing to do, everyone else who wants to be in touch with me stays in the superficial level, and if they try to push I'll withdraw, stop contact for a while.

And when I open up to my closest people with really intense vulnerable stuff, I withdraw too. Instead of feeling closer to them, I feel ashamed and want them to forget everything I said.

I have love, time, energy in my life for my family, husband and my bestie bestest BFF female friend. Everyone else I will hide from. Well, I have a few I talk to on email, but that isn't every day. I LOVE detachment and distance from most of the human race. I feel I must protect my time and energy from others. I hate it when I have responsibilities to others and I love FREEDOM. I have a very low interest in others. My plate is full, sorry. I'm not a 4 at all, but test as an 9 then 5 then 7. I have often said, if there is a triple withdrawn enneagram type, I am that.

I have this problem as well and can't manage to explain it. Here is an example... About a year and a half ago there was a guy I liked and he liked me as well. (Not sure about his type, just that he is an introvert too.) Our sisters put much work into trying to set us up because they believed we were absolutely perfect for each other. And we were. We were both so painfully shy though, that whenever we talked it was incredibly awkward. For months, we slowly started to become friends over text and sporadic face to face conversations. But as the months went on it never went any further. I liked him very, very much... like I actually think I might've been in love? He eventually would try talking to me more or suggest we do something together, but even though I wanted nothing more than to talk to and be with him, I panicked every time and ruined it all. Now we haven't talked in a year (probably because I was so stupid and stubborn and shy) and I still think about him all the time and it breaks my heart. Pathetic, isn't it?

Anyway, I know you all didn't want to hear my sad little story... Here is a little poem by David Levithan that I find very relevant for INFPs.

I'm not good at relationships.
I always manage to find the flaws,
sometimes in others,
but mostly my own.
I foretell the ending
then go and create the cause,
save myself,
and end up alone.

Nope. I go...

- Thay, I love you!!!
- Wonderful, me too! :tongue:

lilyelsie said:

I have this problem as well and can't manage to explain it. Here is an example... About a year and a half ago there was a guy I liked and he liked me as well. (Not sure about his type, just that he is an introvert too.) Our sisters put much work into trying to set us up because they believed we were absolutely perfect for each other. And we were. We were both so painfully shy though, that whenever we talked it was incredibly awkward. For months, we slowly started to become friends over text and sporadic face to face conversations. But as the months went on it never went any further. I liked him very, very much... like I actually think I might've been in love? He eventually would try talking to me more or suggest we do something together, but even though I wanted nothing more than to talk to and be with him, I panicked every time and ruined it all. Now we haven't talked in a year (probably because I was so stupid and stubborn and shy) and I still think about him all the time and it breaks my heart. Pathetic, isn't it?

Anyway, I know you all didn't want to hear my sad little story... Here is a little poem by David Levithan that I find very relevant for INFPs.

I'm not good at relationships.
I always manage to find the flaws,
sometimes in others,
but mostly my own.
I foretell the ending
then go and create the cause,
save myself,
and end up alone.

Click to expand...

Not pathetic at all...it's just unfortunate. I could see that happening to me.

Definitely feel like running away from people who try to get closer.

I cringe when I'm the recipient of overly showy expressions of feeling, and I don't want to be under another person's expectation for reciprocated expressions of care.

"Look, I care for you, alright and I know you do too - can we just leave it at that? Thank you very much, have a nice life "

It's just a feeling though. I try to recognize that other people have a need for 'overly showy expressions of feeling' *cough* Fe *cough*, and that they aren't intentionally trying to make me feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable.

When someone tries to deepen a relationships, I am usually touched. But it also often frightens me, and I do withdraw a bit. Even when I notice myself doing this and actively try not to, it is a phase that I seem to have to go through. It's mostly because deepening the relationship is a risk to me--a risk of getting hurt and/or a risk of hurting others, and that is also a risk for my ideals to be damaged. So I have to take time to process those fears and feelings inside of me, figure out where they come from, why they are there, and whether I want to listen to them or not. Once I understand my feelings, I am usually able to make a choice and take the risk to deepen my relationship with someone. But this is usually a step they have to take a big active role in, because it doesn't come naturally to me! Fe is hard and confusing but also wonderful

Because they have the lurgies.
Duh!