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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's come to my attention that a disproportionately large amount of people I am acquainted with actually find me extremely unpleasant. Not that I'm particularly surprised by that fact, but the apparent reason for this is that I have an unconventional, dry sense of humor, and very few people can actually distinguish between when I'm joking or being serious because of my deadpan visage.

Anyways, according to one of my friends, a solid 60% (conservative guess) of people she's heard talking about me have had mainly negative things to say, and another 30% were more or less indifferent. Also, I get told all the time by my friends the negative things that other people in their circles say about me behind my back (which I enjoy hearing - now I know who to not waste any time being friendly towards). The interesting thing about this is that I'm not an outwardly mean person -- cold, perhaps, but not unfair, judgmental, or rude -- quite the contrary, actually. People just dislike me because of the snap impression they get of me, which is probably something along the lines of aloof, elitist, and hard to read. Those who have cracked past the coldest part of my exterior always admit to me later in our friendship that they found me very intimidating at first, not physically, but due to my vibe/the general air about me.

Have any of you had similar experiences? If people dislike you, why do you think that is? Or are you generally a well-liked person?
 

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I am always surprised that people I have interacted with seem to like me so much.

I am also always surprised at the amount of people who straight up dismiss me, who wouldn't even give me the time of day.
 

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I think people like me... But for the wrong reasons. It's because of the person that I consciously choose to be rather than the person that I feel that I naturally am.

Or maybe that's the same thing.

I believe very strongly in being considerate of others, polite, helpful. It's not necessarily my natural way of thinking but because of injustices towards me I've come to value that kind of behavior in myself and others.

Now, according to one of my work friends, "Don't you realize that everyone... like... LOVES you?" Because I am helpful, because I consciously bend my point of view to fit the needs of the group? Perhaps, but I sometimes can't tell if that in itself IS me or if they only like me because of the conscious efforts. Because at the end of the day I don't think people realize how hard I actually try.
 

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It truly depends on whether or not I'm competent or established within the group.

I find it EXTREMELY difficult to simply enter a purely social arena and make myself be liked, without having any kind of connection to anyone else. Aside from knowledge I have on a topic or long held connections with someone I find it difficult to have discussions about common topics like TV, movies, pop culture, etc because I truly do not follow these things. The only real friends I've ever made this way were people who were doing the same thing I did, and felt equally separated. I do force myself to actively seek out opportunities to be in social groups; I just find it awkward to be in them when I don't see myself as able to contribute, and have a difficult time establishing the close one to one friendships I overall prefer to groups. I don't think people dislike me - it's just, you have to make an effort to get to know me, because I'm not inclined to "reach out" per se, or broadcast myself to others, especially not in some fakeass, hyperemotional, smiley way (reaches over to vomit). The thought of "conveying a message to others," quite opposite to Fe people, means next to nothing to me.

When people do like me, it's not so much that I make them feel a certain positive way, or that I am outgoing and fun - which are typically the kinds of first impressions that grab people right away. In work settings, or areas in which I know I can contribute something, people like the assertiveness and conviction I put into what I do, and the detail to which I know what needs to be done. They actually do really depend on me, which comes as a surprise and makes me feel good. Outside of that, my close friends know I have their backs and will do just about anything to help them. They also like my advice, humor, and honesty.
 

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I've found the opposite to be true. I'm almost always shocked to find that people think more highly of me than I do of myself. In other words, I'm much harsher on myself than others are. Most people genuinely like me because I'm more or less a happy, pleasant person. I've always been a sort of chameleon in that I adapt very well to my surroundings. Sometimes that camouflage causes me to become a invisible, which is why I think most folks don't like me. More often than not they just don't know how to approach me because I have a very intimidating presence, both in terms of personality and physically.
 

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I am always surprised that people I have interacted with seem to like me so much.
Ditto. It's always my expectation that everyone just tolerates me out of politeness but actually secretly hates me. And when they don't hate me but actually like me for realsies, that always blows my mind.

(Is it possible that I'm less awful around others than I perceive myself to be? Frankly I doubt it. I think some people just have poor judgment though.)
 

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I think if someone is saying people are talking negatively behind your back they may be trying to lower your self esteem or alienate you from the group. I think generally for me at least I give a dispassionately pleasant, polite, helpful impression, people do voice their opinion on how quiet I am occasionally but it's nothing to get too concerned with it's more their problem than mine. When you see how much other types come under attack for their emotional outbursts and present minded naivety it can make you glad you're an INTJ. I try to focus on the few people that want to make me happy and forget about the rest unless it's necessary like in a work situation.

I also think generally we go can go unnoticed and there have been situations at work in the past where people didn't even know who I was despite the fact they had been working alongside me for years.
 

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I don't know and I honestly don't care, but if I dislike someone (and the feeling is mutual), we just don't recognize each other's existence mostly. Even though it's just the two of us, in say, a room, no interaction would happen. At least not one initiated by me.
 

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I used to drive people away with sarcasm and witty jokes and such (that might have inadvertently upset or offended them), but I've gotten better about keeping that stuff to myself as I've aged.

I would say that there are now very few (if any) people in my life who actively dislike me. The typical response that I seem to inspire is "meh". It's shocking to me when someone appears to actually like me...
 
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Personally, I seem to be well-liked by people. I tend to be a lot healthier these days though, so I'm not really overbearing like I was before. A few years ago though, I was very unhealthy and my emotional intensity and overbearing nature made me a very unpleasant person to be around.

I've been on both sides, really.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I think if someone is saying people are talking negatively behind your back they may be trying to lower your self esteem or alienate you from the group. I think generally for me at least I give a dispassionately pleasant, polite, helpful impression, people do voice their opinion on how quiet I am occasionally but it's nothing to get too concerned with it's more their problem than mine. When you see how much other types come under attack for their emotional outbursts and present minded naivety it can make you glad you're an INTJ. I try to focus on the few people that want to make me happy and forget about the rest unless it's necessary like in a work situation.

I also think generally we go can go unnoticed and there have been situations at work in the past where people didn't even know who I was despite the fact they had been working alongside me for years.
Let me clarify that my friends don't tell me this because they're mean-spirited or making something up, it's because I ask them. If I think someone is a little shady, I'll ask one of my friends what they think of that person and if they know what that person thinks about me. If I suspect that someone specific dislikes me, I might voice this to a friend that the other person and I have in common and see how they respond. And I generally take criticism quite well, so I don't mind if certain people dislike me; the only people I need to impress are myself, those I'm close to, and sometimes a person I want to get to know better. It's not intentional alienation on their parts.


I used to drive people away with sarcasm and witty jokes and such (that might have inadvertently upset or offended them), but I've gotten better about keeping that stuff to myself as I've aged.

I would say that there are now very few (if any) people in my life who actively dislike me. The typical response that I seem to inspire is "meh". It's shocking to me when someone appears to actually like me...
Yes, I relate. It's not that I consider myself mediocre or uninteresting, I just find it very surprising when people have a strong opinion on me either way, whether they love or hate me. There is a bit of extra shock when I find out that someone is genuinely very fond of me, though.
 

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Now, according to one of my work friends, "Don't you realize that everyone... like... LOVES you?"
I had this happen to me when I returned to an old place of employment this summer. Everyone was so happy that I was coming back, I heard similar things from several different people and many personally thanked me for coming back. Very strange.
 

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it varies a lot by environment for me. in other words, chances are good it's not (totally) you; (at least some of) it's them. and again ime . . . it has huge gobs of amount to do with their expectations of you. which, a good chunk of the time . . . yer average bear is so sunk in their own biases and demands they don't even realise how subjective their judgments can be.

people look at me and one glance gives them an entire persona, with attendant attitudes and manners and behaviour patterns, that their un/subconscious mind tells them they ought to be 'entitled' to 'expect' out of me. my experience is that eight or nine people out of every ten will knee-jerk blame you for any disappointment of their expectations, whether they ever get aware of what their own minds are doing and admit it or not. of the others, one in ten will auto-correct on their own and come round, and the other one might be amenable to correcting themselves if you get a chance to confront them on it. but usually they'll do it sometime after the fact and never/rarely acknowledge that they were off base in their initial response.

idk. i kind of try to avoid asking myself whether other people like me or not, or why. there's so much subjectivity in the idea of 'like', it all just reminds me of what i heard steve earle saying once about why he thinks it's critical to his sanity never to go near 'himself' on youtube: "you're either going to read something that makes you think you're somebody you're not, or you're going to read something that's going to hurt."
 

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I'm also in the "surprised people like me as much as they do" camp. I guess because I don't exude the typical characteristics that most people find likeable. I will say that people have to wait and get to know me first. But mostly I think I figured out that people like me because I don't get involved in drama, I'm not petty...I think there's a lot of pettiness and BS that people get sick of dealing with so they find me pleasant because I don't play all that.
I do my own thing and don't care too much what people think about me, and I allow others the room to "just do you" as well (for the most part).

In workplaces, I get a lot done and don't spend weeks/months being incompetent and floundering (even if I feel like I am, I'm still floating higher than most people starting out, from what I've been able to figure) and I take initiative to do/ask for extra work if I do all my stuff. So, people tend to appreciate that. I temped at a place for 3 mo. as a receptionist and they practically threw me a parade when I left....lol flowers, CEO took me out to lunch, etc.

When people have been put-off by me it's usually because I'm not super friendly/kind of hard to get to know so I can seem cold or seem like I don't like them. Or I say something offhand a little too truthfully/bluntly or I violated some unspoken social rule that only certain people care about and feelings got hurt (accidentally/unknowingly on my part).
 
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I relate as well with being surprised people like me.

I don't really go out of my way to do things for people to like me, like compliment them or give them gifts. Then again, I don't seek to mess around with people without a reason, and confront them rationally.

I do my thing as efficiently and effectively as possible, and eventually earn the respect of my peers. Maybe it's because I don't interact with them much outside work, so it doesn't give them much grounds to dislike me. If ever they do, it's because I happen to be part of a group they generally dislike such as "those underclassmen", or it's out of envy which I don't have a reason to deal with.

Simply sitting down quietly to mind my own business, acting and talking like a civil person and not making a mess apparently makes clerks at places I frequent remember me. (Now I wonder how other people act in public.)

Generally, it's more of a distant respect people have rather than an outright favoring me. It's a comfortable place to be in relation to people, as I don't seek deep and intense connections with most of the population. That's another issue.
 
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I have always been very reserved and cordial so I often make really good impressions on adults older than me.

I would say I tend to make bad first impressions with my peers because I can seem stiff, serious, and not very fun. However once they get to know me better their opinion of me can go either way. Some find me self-absorbed or intimidating, do not relate to me well, or feel uncomfortable around me since I seem very serious and am not emotionally expressive. Others think I am charming, funny, and interesting. From what I know, most of my peers seem either indifferent towards me or have slightly positive opinions of me.

In a work environment or in school group work I can be a lot more intense. In school when I have a group project I am very blunt with the others and will report people to the professor very early if they aren't doing enough. I've had multiple projects where half the group ended up hating me by the end, but we all got As!
 

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Most people like me fairly well. I work at being friendly and polite. Really insecure and neurotic people don't, though. I'm not sure why not. Maybe I don't reassure them enough. And my impatience with their neediness shows through sometimes.

On the other hand, the people with big time mental illness, like extreme paranoia and schizophrenia, like me way too much. I work at a public library, so I run into quite a few people like this. It has become a joke among my coworkers. I have gotten marriage proposals, special close up looks at oozing sores, frequent comments that I'm their favorite person, daily visits, the whole shebang. I don't know why, but it has happened a lot. It's kind of flattering in a very strange way.
 

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There's a part of me that wants to know, but I would feel weird asking and I don't have a large circle from which to hear gossip about myself, so I'm mostly in the dark one way or another.

All I know is, sometimes I get the impression people find me intimidating (either in a positive or negative way) and sometimes I get the impression they plain like me, or that they put me on a pedestal. The impression varies.

Sometimes I see overt indicators, just shy of saying "I like you." Sometimes all I can get is subtle signals.

But I tell you, what's interesting to me is the reactions I see when I go to this acting workshop. A lot of the people there know me, but every so often there's somebody new. And sometimes when that new person notices me, I'll pick up these "I don't know how to handle this person" vibes from them - like they're intimidated by me or perceive me as aloof and judgmental.

And then there's the fun part... I'll get up for my turn and do my performance, which often includes a degree of emotion. And suddenly, after that, the person gives me quite different looks. As if they're thinking, "Damn, I didn't think he could have that kind of side to his personality."

It's quite the ice-breaker in a way. If only I could get up and do a performance in normal social situations. Maybe people would be less confused.

Then again, I think some of my getting impressions about such situations is just textbook neurotic insecurity. I give too many fucks.
 

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I tend to be in good standing with lots of people because I project an attitude of refined respect. It's something that one develops when working on public relations skills :kitteh:.
 
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