Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Social lasts -- How would you describe your social lives? How numerous and how strong are your friendships? If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel? Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner? If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it? Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,054 Posts
I would describe myself as a bit of a loner.

I have never been super popular. I tried once in college, and it worked! But it was all wayyy too much energy, and I found it really empty.

I've always had a small group of close-knit friends (sometimes these friends know each other, other times they are a handful of individuals). I usually have a significant other (though not always - - but now I'm married, so I always do now :tongue:) and about between 1 - 4 close friends. A few acquaintances I might talk to places, but that's just to stave off boredom.

All I really need to survive is a few close friends;; they fill me up, and sustain me. :)

I have felt the need to overcome this, but only usually because society makes it seem like a handicap. People measure your self-worth and "goodness" by friend count. Job interviews, work environments, and school were all very SO-dom driven (it was a bit of a nightmare for me). It becomes a struggle getting by in society, and that's when it feels like something you need to overcome. But the problem is, every time I've "overcome" it for a limited period of time, I find it was never worth it (and I hate it). It's a double edge sword. I like the way I am, but I live in a world that doesn't. :/

Now that I'm in my mid-20s, I've had a few friendships dissolve. It happens. It was really hard for me to deal with (still is;; it's rather fresh). Most of my friends, I've known for about 15 - 20 years. When I hold on, I hold on tight! It was never about personal interests, or similar life values/goals;; it was about a personal connection. So, if the other person is willing, it should last a lifetime! Some people just aren't as willing when interests or life paths change. . . there was nothing I could do about it (despite pushing hard against it). It was pretty devastating;; it was an adjustment. I don't make friends fast or easily, so it's always hard "replenishing" the friends I lose.

When I do meet someone I click with, it is pretty instantaneous though! It just takes some time finding that needle in the haystack. . .
 

·
Registered
4w5
Joined
·
1,535 Posts
A loner sp/sx. I have always been a loner, even when I have had friends. Even with friends, I will somehow always feel like I truly am alone. My relationships are few and intense. I have a hard time dealing with people if it's not on a personal level, therefore, my friendships and relationships has to be emotional and intense. No matter who I am with, I will somehow always manage to realize I am and will always be alone, with only myself in the end.
 

·
🎀
Joined
·
11,795 Posts
Yes,actually, loner-ish for an extrovert AND a 2.I used to think it was shyness but it's really not,I'm just genuinely not interested in groups and many friends,I find both individuals and random crowds far more important and enjoyable.And although I care about "SO things" to a degree,I don't think it comes instinctively at all,it's a learned behaviour.SO first image types are said to be very aware of who's who and wanna be the leader and as I said,I can relate to it and achieve some sort of popularity when I want to but in the end I always either go back to one or two family members and few other close people I have a strong SX connection to,and when that happens I don't care about anything else anymore.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,069 Posts
I used to be quite a loner, but then when I learned how to dance, going out on Friday nights was much more enjoyable (more SX-friendly) and I became more sociable in the process. I used to spend my weekends at home playing computer games, but now I usually spend my weekend downtown talking with people and dancing. Sociable or not, I still prefer having quiet time alone more than social time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Interesting. It wasn't until I lost my only good friend (she withdrew from me) that I realized I might be a loner. We didn't see each other often, maybe once every couple of weeks, but there was a reliability about her that I appreciated. And I was always, always there for her when she needed me. I'm surprised because I'm mostly ambivalent about it. I feel like I did what I could to revive the friendship, but it's not like I ever confronted her or tried to hash out our problems so we could move beyond them. I just let her go. I wonder if someone with higher social than myself would do more to hold onto a person, even if it involved conflict. As of now, I'm thinking I can't force a bond where there isn't one anymore. Besides I kind of like ridding excess bullshit from my life. To reduce a former friend to bullshit makes me feel like a sociopath, though I'm pretty sure I'm not one. Just a loner by nature. :/
 

·
Subterranean Homesick Alien
Joined
·
11,928 Posts
I don't have friends in "real life" because I have social problems, problems with eye contact, problems keeping conversations going, problems being natural with strangers, etc. whatever. But my online friends I cherish. I tend to be all or nothing. When I actually get into a real relationship with someone, I feel like I want to share myself completely and I want them completely, even in friendships. And it's definitely not easy to lose it. Actually it wrecks my emotions. Like tears, depression, kind of wrecked. But I've had a tendency to feel overwhelmed easily. I even completely cut off two friendships once because it felt more like maintenance than an actual friendship and it weighed too much down on me. I still feel as if I need some kind of deep connection, otherwise I create it haha

I used to be very much a loner but I realized I wasn't gonna be happy without these deep friendships and so I started trying to work on it. I was mostly resigning myself because I didn't feel able, so...I still feel as if things weigh down on me easily, overwhelm me, so my impulse is to move away rather than towards, but I think that has to do with withdrawn/introvert influence. When it comes to these people I care about, I have the constant feeling I'm too clingy, too lovey, whatever

In theory, I love people. I realized a while ago these subtle differences everyone has in their subjective experiences are beautiful and I want them, it's an intellectual desire. I want to know them so that I can have all these different ways of looking at the world as fuel for my own self. In practice, the impulse comes out more. I'd say I'm pretty off or on, never dimmed, only off or on. Plus in reality, most people don't give enough of a damn to think. I think my perspective has been altered by my experiences online where people who do give a damn hangout

Even online, I feel like if I have too many people it starts getting to me and if it's not a deep friendship, I don't stress much over losing it, really. Only reason I would is that I'm trying these days not to limit my opportunities to find meaningful friendships because I've felt bad about that
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,877 Posts
Sx/sp, absolutely a loner.

I don't really have any friends in 'real life', I find most people suffocating and too intrusive.
I don't know how to sustain a conversation either, unless it's about something I genuinely enjoy, I have AvPD among other things and being around too many people drains my energies and I'd rather avoid it. Even if they're not directly involved with me.

It's easier online but as long as it's either:

a) A delayed forum conversation
b) Something fueled by boredom that I can leave easily
c) Someone I have a deep and profound bond with

This is what actually drives me to companionship and obviously love, finding a connection and an ease that I don't have with most people. When I feel so deeply for a person that I feel like I can let them gradually through my walls and be emotionally vulnerable, it's something powerful that makes me want more. It makes me feel a bit lost, a bit needy although it's perfectly understandable and it stems from me being too distant normally. When I'm forced in social situation, there's always one person I figure will be my best option as they seem genuine and we seem to click, even if it won't go anywhere in terms of friendship.

I'd rather focus on individual or very small (3 max) interactions because groups disorient me. They're taxing. They end up merging into some sort of group think or fractionating in dramatic ways, people's intentions are clear but they're hard enough to read and study without all the background noise. I want to understand them but not in the large majority of cases where I prefer to be left alone doing my own thing as I'm already satisfied with what I have or craving ideals they can't give me.

Someone recently posted in a chat "I want to observe Hotes because I can't seem to have an everyday conversation with her" and I'm about to laugh. I really cannot do small talk, even my boyfriend is trying to help me on that front or to express feelings properly because I blank on that front. I'm a Fi-dom, soc last, triple withdrawn. I live in my own head, I have a lot of thoughts but expressing them is another question, especially if feelings-related.

Many soc-doms (not all) have such a broad focus. Jumping everywhere, wrapped up in people's lives, pelleting me with questions (if Fe users), always trying to either figure out what I'm thinking or trying to strike small talk that reads like an endless interrogation to me. I don't know. I get it but I don't get 'why'.

It's all very intrusive and I think you can tell that I don't shine in the social department despite being somehow more engaged and eloquent in online discussions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
I'm likely either soc-first or soc-last (isnt that stupid? But really).

COMPLETE loner. Been one since the age of like, nine.

And I mean a real loner, too, the kind who has no friends or family, celebrates birthdays alone, reaches adulthood alone, eats out alone, sleeps alone, ignores facebook, talks to the walls for companionship. Even surrounded by other human beings, I lack the capacity to actually reach out to them. They're just irrelevant to me somehow. (Not one of the angsty teens thinking s/he has "no friends" today because of a spot of turbulence in a friendship. Posers. Nope, it's the real deal with me.)

I always thought this had something to do with my childhood (or core type) rather than instincts, however.

EDIT: I wouldn't be surprised if this were par for the course on places like PerC, though. Part of why 4, 5, and social-last are incredibly common typings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,725 Posts
@avidity

Social lasts --

How would you describe your social lives?
Fairly non-existent. Throughout my life, I've usually had only one/two people I really hang out with at a time, on a regular basis.

How numerous and how strong are your friendships?
Numerous > Strong, for sure. I find it important to note that this is due to my own preference. I'm a pretty closed off person, and just don't really open myself up enough to formulate strong friendships.

If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel? Eh, I can feel a void when a friendship ends, certainly. However, I wouldn't necessarily feel "BAD" unless the friendship ended on bad terms because of miscommunication, etc.

Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner? Yes.

If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it? I've resigned myself to it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: avidity

·
Banned
Joined
·
14,145 Posts
Not really. Kinda. Kinda sorta but not really. Every new environment I end up getting invited to social events (when not everyone is invited which is always upsetting and awkward to me), and now I've got a coming of age party for a girl at work (for her daughter) which is like a wedding which means $for dress, hair etc. Plus the gift. A baby shower and another girls kids party and the whole thing I'm like... I just met you people less than a year ago! It's actually kinda frustrating. When I was married he was super social so kept things up (like updating people I'm alive when I burn out for awhile), and it gets tiresome because it's sorta like a mask I wear for people, not that I'm pretending but more like, only that one shade of all my colors they see. Deep bonding where I can be all my colors is not often at all and at times, it feels like I'm this lone wolf living in a large city with all this concrete... It's weird. So while I want to say yes. The answer more realistically is no.

It is a strategy though. Certain people are privy to my weirdness and others are not (and are sold). I'm so aware that this probably means I'm part monster. :(

P.S. I'm sorry I didn't answer the questions as is. I'm on an iPad and that's just too much work :p
 

·
Sharp Cutting Thing
Joined
·
9,678 Posts
Most certainly. I tend not to let others IRL get close to me. Even trying to be moderately social for me takes up an ungodly amount of energy. It chafes against my instincts. I want others to come to me, not the other way around.
 

·
Registered
INFP 9w1
Joined
·
788 Posts
How would you describe your social lives?
I don't really have a social life. I have a boyfriend (one very close person is all I need) and I usually see him 2 days a week. We don't meet with other people though. We play video games, cook, go for walks, watch television, go shopping and so on.
Sometimes I do something with my family or his family (nothing crazy, just going out to eat or so) and very rarely I might do something with someone else. I have some kinda close friends, but I only chat with them and we rarely meet.

How numerous and how strong are your friendships?
3 close friends and numerous random people that seem to like me much more than I would even invest energy to open the door for them... sad, but true.

If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel?
Sad, but I'd be able to deal with it.

Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner?
Yes, I'm evolving from a fake person with many friends to a loner and being a loner feels much better.

If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it?
Not really... it's just who I am. I just do whatever gives me the best quality of life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,184 Posts
I am a 5w6 sx/sp or sp/sx. I do feel the effects of sx and sp quite equally and it's really frustrating trying to figure out which I am, knowing that there ARE significant differences between the two, but I know that I am a social-last.

I would consider myself a loner, yes, although I do have a few good friends. While I've learned how to talk to people over the years, I still find it a frustrating endeavor for the most part. I've had a "lone wolf" mentality pretty much since I was a kid and still have that to this day.
 
  • Like
Reactions: avidity

·
Registered
Joined
·
174 Posts
From my observations:

SO-lasts are usually polarized introverts. There are some exceptions.
One I know has at most three friends he wants to talk to, including me. However, he doesn't even really want to talk that much unless he is particularly energized that day.
 
  • Like
Reactions: avidity

·
Moderator
Wielding the mafia banhammer
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Social lasts -- How would you describe your social lives?
Fairly quiet. I don't particularly enjoy *socializing*. I might hang out with someone one-on-one if I like them. If I do engage with a group it's because I'm interested in the activity - like, I might be willing to take a canoe trip with mere acquaintances, but I wouldn't go to their house if we were just going to sit and talk.

How numerous and how strong are your friendships?
Dozens of "friends", right now there's no one I really rely on, not the way I want. :/

If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel?
I'd feel more badly that I *don't* feel badly.

Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner? If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it? Thanks.
Yes, pretty much, unless I'm in love in which case I become a complete leech. Most people, even those I really like, I rarely think of them unless they're in front of me. I've tried working on this but I feel like I'm being very utilitarian and I kind of suspect others can pick up on that so I dunno what to do about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,381 Posts
Social lasts -- How would you describe your social lives? How numerous and how strong are your friendships? If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel? Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner? If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it? Thanks.
My social life... well, er, it involves me, mostly. I lived in New York city, and I noticed everyone is so far into what theyre doing, you gotta just go do things by yourself, etc. I was cool with that, being sx, I liked how assertive and friendly people were off the street, but you don't necessarily commit, but will go to their party, or meet them for lunch or whatever. My socializing, is very no strings attatched. I like walking into friendships were people don't make it a obligation or a game to play, often if they don't expect anything from me, the more likely I will stay around.

I have multiple friends, friends of each clique, as I was a drifter of social groups in highschool and even now. I go to X and Y when Im in the mood to act like a hipster, being pretentiously artistic.. I go to B and C when Im in the mood for nurturing sort of friends, the ones you drink wine and talk about boyfriends and life together... I go to G & H for strictly all laughs. I'd be around the all the time, but we do have lives. I only have one best friend, A. I have it all with her, so I'm content. I feel like I'm settled when it comes to friends, I don't regret anything like being more social during high school or sticking around.

As a military child, moving around pratically once a year, I know relationships come in chapters, and friendships dissolving because of life, is well, natural. Nothing to cry about, every now and then I chat with my best friends from elementary school or middle school, and we talk about meeting up, and I know if it happens, things will be cool. But I'm not stressing for it? I hardly stress about it. Idk

I am a loner. An intimate loner? I can rile a group of people, make them laugh, make them cry, but the whole.... socializing thing is made a job. And the only thing intimate about a large group of people is when we're all enjoying the same interest, or sharing some laughs. Other than that, I seem to withdraw from that area. I do well if I'm individually close to each person, as I am SX dom, then I'm boisterous and friendly.

I never felt the need to overcome a tendency to be less 'by myself'? Erm. I'm content when I don't have to answer to a body of people. The only time I ever got annoyed with it, is when I was misunderstood by a social dom. But then, I never felt truly compelled to please a social dom in the first place.. lol
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
17,781 Posts
How would you describe your social lives?
I don't really have a social life. I have a boyfriend (one very close person is all I need) and I usually see him 2 days a week. We don't meet with other people though. We play video games, cook, go for walks, watch television, go shopping and so on.
Sometimes I do something with my family or his family (nothing crazy, just going out to eat or so) and very rarely I might do something with someone else. I have some kinda close friends, but I only chat with them and we rarely meet.

How numerous and how strong are your friendships?
3 close friends and numerous random people that seem to like me much more than I would even invest energy to open the door for them... sad, but true.

If one were to dissolve, how badly would you feel?
Sad, but I'd be able to deal with it.

Would it be accurate to describe yourself as a loner?
Yes, I'm evolving from a fake person with many friends to a loner and being a loner feels much better.

If so, have you ever felt the need to overcome this tendency or have you mostly been resigned to it?
Not really... it's just who I am. I just do whatever gives me the best quality of life.
^Sexual 5 par excellence =)
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Top