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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was looking at a sex guide I got from the library and I was surprised the author, in one part about female fantasies, mentioned helpless position as being arousing to women. Of course as with everything, that's a generalization but still it did interest me because I misread the title at first, thinking it was male fantasies.

I should also mention I have very limited experience with intimacy and close relationships, so perhaps this is common knowledge. Because I, as a guy, find nothing about being in a helpless position with someone I like, sexual or arousing. I mean I sort of understand S&M thing and how some men and women are into that stuff, but I often figured they're the minority, like it's not a lot of men and women out there wearing leather and pouring hot wax on each other and whipping each other or one person dragging the other one across the floor with a dog collar on or something...or whatever they do.

In any event, what I'm talking about is not S&M type thing, but something milder, like being naked while the partner is fully dressed, or helplessness of being blindfolded during sex, or some spanking - not to make the other person's bum bleed or cause real physical damage...which apparently to some people is arousing...but just enough for it to be in keeping with theme of helplessness and so on.

Would you say this is a common fantasy for women? And what is arousing about it? For me it's arousing when this is in another person, not me. And it's arousing because...well, I guess it gives me power, and I don't know, maybe it's a man thing, maybe it's in keeping with the whole stereotype of man/woman relationship and who takes charge, whatever. So I find helplessness in someone else arousing, but I don't know what it is to the person experiencing this.

I keep editing this, not sure how to say what I'm trying to say. Let me try one last time. What I'm wondering is if women who find being helpless (in a romantic situation) arousing are just sexualizing their helplessness. Like in other words, is it inherently erotic to them or is it like a response to being helpless, the way someone might sexualize something they don't like, like if they were kidnapped and then started to sexualize the kidnapper as a way of making the experience somewhat bearable. Because how is being helpless arousing? I was traumatized a few years ago and I find helplessness so awful. Of course I still do find it arousing in other people and I don't know why I do, but again I'm back to the original issue, why would someone find it arousing, even if it's in a safe enough romantic or whatever relationship. Being helpless is scary, it's not arousing. Do men also have these fantasies? Is it mostly women? Am I just crazy? I don't know....
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I'd say I find my own helplessness as arousing as I would his, it's more of the role playing thing than it is the actual role.
Oh, I understand, that makes sense.
 
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I wouldn't call what you're describing "helpless" in the strictest sense of the word. Even if you submit, doesn't mean you're helpless. You just make a decision to let the other be in control, in whatever way. I also don't think that it is necessary to make a connection to past traumatic events in every case. I totally understand how someone who experienced such an event wouldn't want to engage in certain sexual behaviours/practices, but I'd reckon that for the overwhelming majority if people, they have no bearing. It's simply sexual role-play, and maybe moving away from certain stereotypes.

I personally like both being submissive and dominant, probably with a slight preference for the latter.
I don't feel helpless when I submit. It's more a feeling of letting go, not being in control, giving yourself over to someone. It has to do with trust and being able to show your vulnerable side. And knowing you have that type of connection to someone - yes, that's arousing.

If I'm more dominant, I don't perceive my partner as being helpless, and he certainly doesn't feel that way either (he actually likes it - some men don't, and that's okay). He can say if he doesn't enjoy something, and I'll stop immediately.

If you blindfold someone, or tie their hands, or you stay clothed whilst they're naked - that's not really them being helpless imho. It heightens sensual awareness, it's letting go of control. And it's also trusting them they won't do anything you don't like.


Just my opinion of course...
 

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Whoa OP you are reading far too much into that book.

Its really a matter of power play in the bedroom environment. It works on a sexual level between two partners. Take away that element and the basic human flight or fight response should kick in. Unless of course the person has some serious issues, in which case some therapy would be a lot better than them consistently allowing themselves to be in dangerous situations just to relive the feelings of helplessness.

It works for some people it doesn't work for others. It's really not something you can generalize. I would say for the most part people would generally appreciate having equal amounts of power in a sexual situation.

With that being said there are small things to cause a sense of submission that can usually get either party really aroused if employed correctly.

Personally I enjoy being both submissive and dominant (more dominant though) and would appreciate the same qualities in an SO as well.
Submission and dominant play is a lot more complex than one might think. Its not about taking away control but giving it up freely to the other person. In this case those feelings of "helplessness" are associated with arousal due to the lack of control of the situation by ones own conscious desire and the submission of control to someone of desire.

I wouldn't really use the word helpless if I can help it.

Also I believe you are associating your own trauma related to helplessness and are trying to come to grips with the idea that that book had.

Being helpless is scary, it's not arousing.
What you say is quite true. But what you are attempting to describe or understand really doesn't have the same correlation.

I've been in traumatic helpless situations myself in the past. But there always was a clear distinction between those and being submissive in a sexual environment.
 

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Because how is being helpless arousing? I was traumatized a few years ago and I find helplessness so awful. Of course I still do find it arousing in other people and I don't know why I do, but again I'm back to the original issue, why would someone find it arousing, even if it's in a safe enough romantic or whatever relationship. Being helpless is scary, it's not arousing. Do men also have these fantasies? Is it mostly women? Am I just crazy? I don't know....
Being helpless is terrifying, yes. Being able to trust someone enough to be helpless with them, knowing they won't actually hurt you, that they'll be careful and considerate... very sexy.

It'll be worse if you've had a bad experience, true. Don't beat yourself up about it.
 

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I'd say it's more about surrendering than being helpless. Even in the BDSM community, it's the sub who has the real power, not the dom. It's about surrendering to someone you trust to lead you through your fantasies ect. Even hardcore fantasies like rape fantasies are all about trust and surrendering, but it's far from being helpless. That's what safe words are for.
 

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Not the sad, self-deprecating, pathetic or cutesy sort of helplessness...... but being calmly yet direly wanted for something can be very hot.
 
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No. I do not find being helpless a funny thing or a sexual thing (!)
To me, this thread just goes to show how others judge what they do not even know. Or that there are some screwballs of a person out there in this big world, which again alarms me, a LOT.

To me, if someone is helpless, or if I felt vulnerable and I needed a shoulder to cry on, I would still be absolutely shocked if this was responded back to me by some random stranger who is not my partner. To me, consolation, compassion and empathy in a close relationship is what emotional intimacies is about. Showing simple compassion and empathy to another human being in their frustration or anguish is indeed what basic decencies is about. To take that opportunity and to twist it into something else when there has not been any agreement or trust between two people is what "S&M" is about. It is that sick boundary or using sex, without the underlying foundation of what is required in a relationship to make things work such that, some people market this as "pleasure" when in reality it is not pleasure but mere selfishness of displace and dominance over someone else's downfall in life. Which is absolutely sick if you think about it. I am quite shocked to see such judgments and things written online and what goes on in the minds of other people.

If you think about it, it is going over that fine line into sadomasochistic tendencies... and letting yourself go insane and hurt someone badly. Why would anybody be this sick ??...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks guys for your responses, (I try to thank all replies I found helpful), I think I have a better grasp of it.
 

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@Bago ???
I'm not entirely sure if we're reading the same thread.

Taking a dominant or submissive role during sex is not the same as a Dom/sub relationship, and Dom/sub is not the same as S&M.
The former, nearly every couple does to an extent (a woman is already submissive to an extent if she mostly enjoys the missionary position ;)) - sometimes you lead, sometimes you don't.

Also, what everyone here has written about is intimacy and trust in committed relationships. Vulnerability is a part of that. Vulnerability in this case has nothing to do with physically or emotionally hurting someone. Vulnerability in this case means being emotionally open, and putting trust into someone.
Nobody here spoke of "twisting it into something without agreement or trust"...
 

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Just another one of those sick sick threads. Even when I was growing up and I questioned the world and I questioned things, I kept them to myself, and I analysed the world and learn for myself but not to actually go ahead and dilute and make the world more sick by writing things out publically or acting them out publically too. I do not understand why threads like this should exist in a public forum.

Only on the internet will people talk SO openly, without even think about THEIR audience, whether children will read it, whether other people of the opposite sex will read it. How the poster will feel if they learnt and had shocked feedback from the other readers etc. Or even if their mother will read it !

These are not "human words". They are NOT.

If you cannot even accept something of yourself, then why accept something that others won't be able to accept ?
 

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Yeah, in general my internal experience is similar about being vulnerable but not about being helpless in a relationship.

There's a big difference being overpowered by a stranger whose motivations I cannot trust, versus someone I'm in a relationship with and and am willing to be overpowered during sex. I personally find it a huge turn-on during sex play. I don't know if type has anything to do with it, but I'm a pretty solid P type. I'm also into varied and rough sex (if I'm in the mood / the situation plays out that way).

I don't really begin to understand it and how much is human psychology versus simple animal instinct during sex.
 

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As someone in a D/s relationship, I am not touching the responses to this thread lol. Just wanted to provide some clarity to the discourse.
In the world of BDSM there are subs and there are bottoms, and I think that is where the confusion is coming from on this question. What you are referring to is bottoming, ie being or feeling physically overpowered. NOT the same as submission. Socially women fit easiest into this role, but there are plenty of male bottoms too (and subs!). I don't think it's "naturally" a female thing, but it jives well with the gender conditioning. There is a physical component that makes it appealing, as you get a big adrenaline rush. IRL being helpless usually comes with a side of terror, but since that (in theory) doesn't play a part in consensual sex you can just ride the wave of good feelings. And not being hateful, but a lot of vanilla's like it because they are sexually lazy :p
Hope that helps!
 

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I was looking at a sex guide I got from the library and I was surprised the author, in one part about female fantasies, mentioned helpless position as being arousing to women. Of course as with everything, that's a generalization but still it did interest me because I misread the title at first, thinking it was male fantasies.

I should also mention I have very limited experience with intimacy and close relationships, so perhaps this is common knowledge. Because I, as a guy, find nothing about being in a helpless position with someone I like, sexual or arousing. I mean I sort of understand S&M thing and how some men and women are into that stuff, but I often figured they're the minority, like it's not a lot of men and women out there wearing leather and pouring hot wax on each other and whipping each other or one person dragging the other one across the floor with a dog collar on or something...or whatever they do.

In any event, what I'm talking about is not S&M type thing, but something milder, like being naked while the partner is fully dressed, or helplessness of being blindfolded during sex, or some spanking - not to make the other person's bum bleed or cause real physical damage...which apparently to some people is arousing...but just enough for it to be in keeping with theme of helplessness and so on.
I just felt the need to interject, as I always see people do this when talking about anything BDSM-related, that S&M is merely one aspect that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, but it isn't the totality of it. Virtually every time people talk about BDSM, what they're talking about is S&M, while there's also B&D and D/s.

Bondage (the use of physical restraints) is not the same as S&M. People can enjoy temporarily giving control to his or her partner without being whipped, having hot wax poured on them, etc. There's tie and tease, sensation play involving non-painful things like ice, feathers, etc. There doesn't have to be any pain involved at all if the participants have no interest in it, but that's the popular perception of it and the first thing people seem to think of when they think "BDSM."
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I just felt the need to interject, as I always see people do this when talking about anything BDSM-related, that S&M is merely one aspect that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, but it isn't the totality of it. Virtually every time people talk about BDSM, what they're talking about is S&M, while there's also B&D and D/s.

Bondage (the use of physical restraints) is not the same as S&M. People can enjoy temporarily giving control to his or her partner without being whipped, having hot wax poured on them, etc. There's tie and tease, sensation play involving non-painful things like ice, feathers, etc. There doesn't have to be any pain involved at all if the participants have no interest in it, but that's the popular perception of it and the first thing people seem to think of when they think "BDSM."
Thanks for clearing that up. So what is the essence of BDSM, like what sets it apart from your run of the mill teasing and games in the bedroom?
 
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